idk1903 My story

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#1 Nov 3 - 3PM
idk1903
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idk1903 My story

So this is my story...

It has been getting close to 2 years and I am finally making an attempt to move on from my roller coaster of a relationship. I have allowed someone to totally turn my life upside down in hopes things would get better and that he really did love me. but the longer i stay the worse it gets. I feel emotionally tramatized from the cruel things he has said to me and the selfish and heartless actions he has taken. Which he justifies and blames me for.

I can seriously say i havent done a mean or hurtful thing to this man and from day one i have been consistent and always wanted the same thing. I have been dumped repeatly, demeaned, put down, disregarded, and the list goes on and on and for the life of me i cannot understand any of it. But I dont want to deem myself to be a total victim because i allowed it for quite a while and kept taking him back. So I do except responsibility for that. Each time he has somehow manipulated me to believe it was my fault or feel bad for him and being the type of person i am i would apologize and feel bad or try to be understanding and try to fix it. Now looking back and reading stories on here i see what a big mistake that was and i only prolonged the process.

The red flags were there from the very beginning but I didnt see them. He broke up with me the first weekend we were an official item saying he doesnt know what he wants and he didnt expect to have a girlfriend so soon after his other relationship ended. Which was close to a year prior and we had the conversation about being over our past experiences. I truly believe in moving on completely from one relationship before starting a new one. I think its unhealthy to jump from one to the other without giving yourself a chance to get to know who you are again without that person in your life. so i was a little shocked and told him okay i respect that and i guess i misunderstood you. He immediately changed his mind and told me he was just scared and also concerned about my busy schedule if i was going to have enough time for him. he isnt used to someone being as busy as i am. I am a single mommy of 2 amazing kids and at the time i was working 2 jobs. I decided to give him a chance and little by little other red flags started to raise. From him cancelling our plans to go with his friends, lying about an ex being around his family, disinviting me to go on his bday trip that turned into an all guys trip, to ruining our first christmas after i put so much work into it. He then started to break up with me and would use different reasons. One was my children which is a deal breaker to me. He knew about them the whole time and I waited a long time to bring them together because i dont bring just anyone around them. Since he told me he loved me and i loved him i thought it would be okay. So i decided to walk away. But not if he had anything to do with it. He came back saying he was just scared and has never dated anyone with children so i tried to be understanding again.

Every disagreement or selfish act on his part always meant break up. I believe you can disagree or even be upset with someone and fight fair. But with him it was always over. But he always came back saying he knows he is selfish and he knows he doesnt put me first and he is going to etc etc...but each time...same broken record would play on and on. Then came his move. He decided to let his house go and move over an hour away. This was not something that was discussed with me as far as what my opinion was. Even though i was at his house every night cooking for him and my children and our lives (when he wasnt dumping me) had become routine to include one another. He had been talking about marriage and now all of the sudden he is moving, not asking me to come w/him, and that was that. I was not happy and i felt it was hard enough living between both houses in the same city. i just didnt think i could do the long distance. I had given up one job for the sake of the relationship, why couldnt he commute? But despite all my efforts to compromise he did what he wanted. which left me feeling as i had no voice and i just felt really unimportant. If we were so serious how could he do that and not factor me in at all? I still helped him pack up his entire house, sell things, have a yard sale, and get his new office up and running despite how heartbreaking it was for me. I was used to sleeping next to this man every night and those little things are what kept me happy in the relationship. And i couldnt get how he needed me there every night before and now was okay with a couple days a week. It caused alot of problems. He woud complain about driving to see me but before he moved he said he would do whatever it takes to make it work. I started getting dumped again and again and the way he talked to me became more and more disrespectful. Going with his friends instead of using our time for us. It all came to a head when i was to go on a vacation w/my gfs. I dont get out much. i have my hands full with kids, work, a side business i started and this long distance relationship. I didnt spend as much time w/my friends anymore because of my relationship and if we did hang out w/friends it was usually his. So when my vacation rolled around he broke up with me and told me to go sleep with someone else. he basically ruined my trip. I couldnt understand why the man that loves me would tell me to sleep with someone else. every message was just cruel. we spent a month broken up but he still called every day. He told me he picks me apart and looks for my faults that is why he breaks up with me. I told him how ridiculous that is and that i dont want that for my life and i dont deserve it. I said while i look for reasons to love you and stay with you and see the good in you after all you have put me thru, you look for reasons to leave me and i just cant handle that. Anything i wanted he would always say he cant do because we need to have a solid few weeks without fighting. but honestly all the fights he created so it was like i would never win that battle. So i started to disconnect. It didnt seem as he was jumping thru hoops to get me back anyway and if the subject was brought up it seemed as if he had a million excuses. ANd if i didnt reply the way he wanted he would tell me how he didnt want me. So i went back to working the second job and i started back to school. One night at work i had someone that was nice, attractive and funny talking to me. And i liked it. My N. always seemed very disinterested in my jokes or anything in regards to what i was interested in. So when this guy asked me for my phone number, and it had been over a month i decided why not? i can have friends. And when i talked to my n. i told him. i wasnt dishonest. I went out to dinner with the new guy after a few lengthy phone conversations which i was also very honest with him and my situation. Well N. comes back and doesnt like that very much and decides he wants to work things out and in the meantime he has a very very sick family member. So i went back. I wanted to be there for him. and i put everything behind us and did everything i could for him. If he upset me i bit my tongue and thought he didnt need that right now because of the anticipatory grief he was going thru. but something just didnt feel right. i had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. So one night before i was to drive to make him dinner at his place an hour away i told him i had this bad feeling about something. I asked if he had something to tell me. and he was furious that i would ask him such a thing. i said wait hold on, i am not accusing you of anything i just wanted to know if you were okay and if anything was going on. i dont know what the bad feeling is..i just have it. i dont want to fight i was just asking. i believe you. well he was so mad he didnt want me to come up anymore and broke up with me again. come to find out...he did have something to tell me. he had took someone out on a date. and instead of being honest..he hid it from me and someone else told me. this was also on a night that i was upset about something and asked him to come be there for me and he yelled at me and told me i give him anxiety and he isnt going to be there for me. and he drove to take another woman out then showed up at my house the very next day and blamed his behavior on greiving his sick relative. If i had known he was testing waters i wouldnt have went back. he knew that was the one thing that would hurt me the most. but instead of own it, he blames me for my date. But i honestly feel my date was by default and his was by choice. He wasnt letting our relationship work and also made the choice to not be there for me and take someone else out. He came to see me to talk about it but when i ask questions he gets snappy and is mean and goes back and fourth from blaming me to saying he is sorry. He told me that he doesnt need me to be there for him, i am the worst part of his life, I am a drain, i need to get a F'in life, and the list goes on and on. but then he says denies ever saying it. I am just completely broken up about all of it. I stayed for this? and to add insult to injury.. you blame me? if it was my choice none of this would have ever happened. we would have been friends and happy and respected and loved each other. I am not disposable where you can throw me away then come back and fish me out of the garbage dust me off and throw me away again. Last night he messaged me since i have gone NC and said he thought we were more then what we actually were since i am not talking to him. that girl was nothing and he wasnt seeing her and nothing happened. but to me, doesnt matter. If he took the time and energy to see someone else, be nice to someone else while he emotionally beat up on me... there is no recovery. So that is my story. I am doing my best to keep it together because i have alot on my plate already. but its hard. And i have a feeling he will try to use the sick relative to guilt me into being there for him. But he told me doesnt need me and how worthless i am... so why would he need my support? and i cant tell you one time he has been there for me.

it will not change.

Thank you for reading my story, it felt good to get it out. Today has been a good day. I woke up, dolled myself up and came to work. I know i have done everything i can for that person and i treated him with respect and uncondition love. I didnt get that back from him and you know what, that is okay. It hurts but i have so many people in my life. He can think i am awful all he wants...because that is his opinion and his alone. no one else feels that way about me. He might have made me question myself a million times but deep down i know i am worth more. So even if i miss him... I know the him i miss...isnt my reality. I dont know who he is anymore. I never thought he would cheat.

Nov 4 - 5AM
indenial
indenial's picture

wow you sound really strong and wise

Already. Well done. And your story sounds so familiar to me. He was always trying to find reasons to leave me. It didn't matter what I did. The end result was always the same. Push pull. It just gets exhausting in the end. I'm never going back to that hell.
Nov 4 - 5AM (Reply to #9)
idk1903
idk1903's picture

Thank you indenial

I dont really feel all that strong is the thing. Everything i have wrote, I know its the truth. I know no matter what actions speak louder than words and this man is a selfish man and if he "wanted" to be good to me, wanted to have a healthy relationship with me... he would. because its all about him right? I struggle with it alot. Yesterday and today were the first days in a long time i didnt cry. And i hope to keep that streak going! My heart is still very heavy from it all but being that i found out about the cheating, no matter how he downplays it or justifies it... its just a deal breaker. I dont look at him the same. And prior to finding that out i was really sick of the treatment, neglect, negative enviorment he created and how he talked ot me in general. I was an emotional wreck. I also knew he wasnt going to give me anything i actually wanted. This last time i had went back he told me he was going to move back for me. He even had me look at a house. I liked it and really thought maybe our problems wont be as bad if we can see other everyday like we used to. It was a very nice place and I thought he was finally stepping up... told my gfs and what do you know... "no, i decided i didnt want to commute" and that wasnt the first time he did that. Even his vacation he is on right now.. he invited me to... but then i was disinvited because it was all boys. Happens all the time. Like there is really nothing to be excited about anymore. and a year ago we were much closer than we are now. We are suppose to grow closer i thought? Bring out the best in one another and progress. nope. wasnt happening. but i will say.. I feel alot better at the moment. This site did help. So far so good. Also getting up the in morning, getting pretty for work, listening to happy upbeat music and just doing what i need to do. Even if i have to kick on auto pilot for a bit I make it through. every day is an accomplishment right? I am trying to stay positive. Its just amazing how many of us went through such similar experiences. My girlfriends really dont have stories like this to relate to. Their advice has always been leave him and what are you doing. It wasnt so easy. At least i feel better knowing someone out there knows how that feels. I am glad you arent going back either. High five to you too.
Nov 3 - 8PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Go sleep with someone else IDK

...they really have a way of making you feel special don't they? I was told that also. It was the ultimate disrespect and insult in my relationship. Who says that to a person they love??? I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I can really relate to your story. They devalue in so many ways! I did not put this in my story, but xN and I both lost close family members during the course of our r/s. Even though I was going through my own grief for years, I stood by her and supported her in every way during her grieving. She couldn't even be bothered to come to my loved one's funeral. Yet, after all she put me through in the end she tried to make me feel guilty and actually said "I thought you would love me through it" Sound familiar? He is pushing your buttons with the sick relative. You can't fathom abandoning someone during a time like that, but if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one with the dying relative, ask yourself if he would be there for you??? Just like mine, he has proven himself to not be there for you time and time again...and you ARE worth more!!! "I know i have done everything i can for that person and i treated him with respect and uncondition love." With that you can walk away with your head held high...and start NC! Hugs, Rose
Nov 4 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
idk1903
idk1903's picture

Thank you Rose

I am so sorry to hear you have had a similar experience. I would never wish this type of treatment on anyone. You are absolutely right he would not be there for me. All past experiences have shown that he wont. I had to undergo a biopsy of a nodule found in my breast last year and instead of being supportive he was actually putting me through it. He really has never missed an opportunity to make things harder on me whenever i have something going on. And looks like you know how i feel. Big hugs to you and glad to know you made it through all of that. My father passed away 3 yrs ago and i thought it would be a nice tradition to start to go out to the place where his ashes were spread and have each of us write a message and put it in a bottle and throw it out to sea and spend a nice day at the beach in the same town where his ashes were. I asked my N to come with me and he told me he had plans to golf with his friends already and maybe he will take me out to dinner later if they werent doing anything. Those things happened all the time. he wasnt really my friend when i think about it. I was able to see his true colors of just how selfish he truly is. Right now he is on vacation. While his sick relative just had hospice come in... he is golfing on vacation with his friends. He said that family member wanted him to go. And i said i am sure she does. But dont you think it would mean more if you said I know you want me to go but i would rather be here with you when you dont feel good? I just didnt want him to regret this but He didnt think so. I know everyone deals with everything differently but i got to thinking about it. If i was to marry this man and something happened to me...would he skip out on me too? chances are very likely he would. I want a man that puts his family and loved ones at top priority. Because that is what its all about right? The people in life that you love and that love you too. he attempted to contact me earlier. I am still NC. Thinking about his sick loved one just breaks my heart. I was spending hours looking stuff up online related to what is going on. I wanted to know what all of it meant and if they talked about different treatments i knew what they were talking about and i printed it out but i didnt give it to them unless they asked me. I didnt want to force information on him. He didnt know alot of it and seemed to appreciate that i cared enough to do that. I even looked up how to support someone greiving and what was the sympathy meals to cook and take over to the family. I really did care. But like i said.. I did everything i could. I am going to keep sending positive thoughts and love towards his family but that is all i can do right now. :(
Nov 3 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

OMG!! He has my head

OMG!! He has my head spinning .. Your must be rolling .. You tried your best but with these people your best is never good enough!! Welcome to Narcville Hunter
Nov 3 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
idk1903
idk1903's picture

thank you

He has that sort of affect. It has been kinda rough. I have lost alot of sleep over it but i say the same thing to myself. I tried every different angle i could. I gave chance after to chance to someone who didnt appreciate me. I bent over backwards for him, his friends and his family. I put him first along w/my children when i came in dead last. So no regrets right? The worse part for me is the blaming. That he somehow thinks he can get me to believe i dont deserve anything. That i did something so terribly wrong to deserve someone to ditch me or say the most cruel things in the world to me. Or lie or cheat on me.I think my breaking point was when he said " oh i dont have that problem that you do where you cant sleep. I sleep just fine at night knowing that the only reason i took that girl out was because you went on a date first" I have slept just fine ever since. How about go back to that girl... and be a jerk to her. Take her on a few more dates and see how she likes your true colors. Its always rainbows and jelly beans in the beginning when you are being nicey nice pants but show her this side of you and see how fast she runs for the hills or how great your relationship is. I tried and tried to tell him to stop picking everything apart and self sabotaging. Accept the good. but i think he has this image he has to uphold. everything has to be perfect. And that just isnt life. ANd when you are in love you go thru good and bad times. And our relationship was pretty much what he made of it. I was just along for this rollercoaster ride and i would like to take the wristband off and go home now. And get an effing life? oh yes... i will do just that because being in that relationship is no way to live! Thank you for a warm welcome hunter. :) high five. Game on... lets move on!
Nov 3 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

take the wristband off and go home

I love it!!! Catch phrase!! I can't help but be reminded of a quote I saw the other day. "Never make someone else your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" (unknown)
Nov 3 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Just stay the NC course

Just stay the NC course .. You have no other option he's given you none. He is disordered.. It's hard work but you will see .. NC wins the eviction from Narcville., Hunter
Nov 3 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

idk, good for you for

deciding to get off the crazy train and head out of narcville! I second my sister in strength Hunter. No Contact is the key to clarity and peace of mind. The key to freedom from chaos, pain, self-doubt and confusion. The key to happiness. It will be a rough ride. This guy's already hoovering. We are here to help you. Please please please please stay No Contact. You do not need this "individual" bringing you down. You have listened to that voice inside of you and it will save your life! Post here and get it out. We are here to help you stay the course. I am proud of you for knowing you've got to rid yourself of this disordered individual. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT BUT I'M IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL

spinning