N cousin and other venting thoughts
N cousin and other venting thoughts
Sometimes I just wish to let everything go from inside myself, to go in a forest and scream as loud as possible!..
Or drive on a free highway at maximum speed..
Maybe it was the recent visit of my N cousin and his new woman, and the fact that he reminds me so much of my ex Narc boy. They showed me some photos and stuff from holidays, and a bunch of concerts, and he seemed so detached and happy. I was thinking ivariably, how easily those people, or should I say "aliens" (!!) move on so apparently easy, and don`t look to see what they have left behind.
His before woman, was genuine nice and loving being, I feel sorry for what happened to her, because while this Mr parties and screws his new thing, moves from coury to country, that person still lingers on, since they broke up. Common to these people.
I don`t buy his new "I-want-to-settle-down" attitude with his new aquisition. His new woman seems like sort of a Narc herself. So maybe it is for her best, because if he will do some Narc move, she will suffer less, than the genuine ones with hearts.
And after that encounter, my own turmoil and anger started..but mostly because my N cousin reminds me so much of ex N, whom I sometimes miss like hell. Something, anything, and yes I know perfectly how wrong this is.
I don`t act on these thoughts, try not to break NC or something. I seriously need to turn the light on myself, I cannot afford to waste any more minute of my life!.. And neither should you.
Not only that they don`t deserve it, nor want it, but they continuously run from feelings and intimacy!..That`s not a way of living.
Let`s stop for a moment to try and rescue them, and instead try to understand and rescue ourselfs. I know it`s not easy, and it feel terrible to give up on the person you love the most.
But they cannot fill us. Even if he was a healthy non toxic person, he couldn`t have "filled" my childhood wounds and hunger to be loved..it is OUR responsibility to do this work, to mend ourselfs, to learn to love and treat ourselfs with kindness and unconditional love.
How can he give me, what am I missing in myself? I don`t know if this makes much sense, but I read this quote on a psychologyst site, and after meditating some days (lol), I simply understood the answer so crystal clear (lightbulb moment:]!
I can`t ask another to love me, or know me, or make me happy, when I don`t even know who I am, what makes me happy, what needs I have, what dreams I have..how can the N hold the answers to these questions, or anyone, when I don`t even know the answers?..
The thing with N people, is that they take so much of your soul, energy that it remains none for your own self, for your career, for your dreams. They demand and take 100%, but give NONE!! Only promses, shadows and big words. Nothing real.
Let`s stop letting ourselfs defined by these toxic people in our lives, be them Narcisists or other disordered kind. Let`s find out who we are, be emotionally independent, spiritually, financially, and discover beauty in ourselfs!
They say that children of Narcisistic parents learn to rebirth, for the second time when they broke the chains. I am one of them too. It is no wonder that we keep trying and trying to rescue our pasts, and modify it into a happy-ending story.
We have to stop, accept, grief the loss of the non-existing relationship in our lives, N relationships, and then dare to fly into the unknown. Nobody said it was easy, but I am sure it will be worth it!
Stay strong, believe in yourself and your values, and don`t let toxic people impose their views in your life, especially Ns, who have no respect for boundaries at all.
We all tried to love them, we all gave and gave, until there remained no energy no soul for ourselfs! They may abandon us, beat us, or turn people against us, rob us of our souls, minds and hearts.
But they can`t take away our power to feel, our power to love!..Never let yourself forget that. Our object of affection may have been a fake, but our love was true.
Thank you for letting me space out my thoughts here tonight, and for reading. Peace to everyone :-)