looks like your narc has quite high EQ. My Narc is also clever enough to hide who he really is. about public image etc.
On 1:1 its a totally different ball game and rules is always the narcky's.
at keeping the mask on in public than others. Many of them don't take the mask off until they are safe at home with their partners. They fool many people and are masters at making the non look like the crazy one.
All that matters is that you know who you are dealing with and that you get out so you can begin the healing process.
nor are you stupid and crazy, Sumiko. My N was quite upfront from the start, possibly because we both meant to have a strictly sexual affair. Like your guy he gets bored fast and discards his women soon. By the time he discovered my potential as a partner he had told me far too much about himself. That I refused to be that caused endless resentment for the 11 years we were together. I had figured him to be a borderline. Having had expert training by Narcs back home I played him well. The disadvantage of his openness was that I could hardly respect him, and being aware of what sort of person you are hanging onto erodes your self-esteem. Love was never mentioned between us. I tend to show feelings by acting rather than talking. In his better phases he was caring, too, and he always made me his priority.
Later on he was diagnosed with NPD plus strong borderline tendencies and some paranoia. I never loved a fake persona but the disordered person he is. I knew him from the inside out and it was hard to leave him, because he was quite dependent on me and trusted me completely. Rare for a N, I know. Maybe it is like his psychiatrist said, that N had found far more than he'd been looking for. Perhaps that is true for your man as well?
sounds like we know our Narcs before we start with them.
I was narcky's staff at the beginninng. So, at that stage, he did told me alot about himself. Too much sometimes over a period of 2 years we were platonic for that long. And when we started I should have know better. But still, I got into the relationshit with him.
My Narc is a NPD case, no mention of borderline or any paronia or schizod in his diganosis papers. I dont think he has borderline or anything other than straight NPD. He doesnt hoover/beg/cry/drama that borderlines do. He's also not dependent on me, too independent. He can switch off and totally 100% forgotten who i am. I think with almost 11 weeks out he has totally forgotten who i am, after 5 years we know each other and 3 years as lovers.
I thot i was "special" to Narcky at first, now no. I think I dont fall into the category the psychiatrist of your Narc said. He hasnt really found anything beyond on me. If he had he would have come hoovering but nope. Completely out of sight out of mind!
I don't think you're stupid or crazy. Perhaps you thought you would be THE ONE and he would change because he'd realize how special you were. At least, that's how I felt. For two years I believed it. The relationship was damned near perfect for TWO YEARS! That's a long time to keep up the idealization phase. Looking back though, I think it only went on that long because we dated for a year and then that second year I moved in so it was like a new honeymoon stage all over again. New. Exciting. After the novelty wore off it went to shit.
Sorry. Went on a little ramble there. Anyhoo, it will get easier to not blame yourself or think you're nuts because you fell in love with such an up front Narc. We've all been to fantasy land and can relate with your feelings. *hug*
Ah THE ONE!
I always "imagine" so!
Now I think back, I cannot even differentiate the "phases" when is idealisation etc etc. More like a whole mess in quick iterations. Kind of like a mad merry go round thats not merry at all.
Mr. N didn't come out and say he was a Narc...but the idealization phase was extemely short and he started to show his true colors almost right off the bat. At month 2 my journal reflects conversations I had with my therapist where she describes Mr. N as needing a good girl and a bad girl and you can guess which one of those I was. Mr. N told me he had no empathy and struggled with intimacy. You would think I would have looked at all these red flags and gone running. I did try to end it a couple of times but he always convinced me to return. I think when we look back, it is much easier to see everything for what it truly is...in the moment, there is so much opportunity for us to put on the rose colored glasses.
"Mr. N told me he had no empathy and struggled with intimacy."
Sounds like what my narcky would have said.
How did he convince u to go back? Mine never resort to begging, its strange I dont know how actually i keep going back, like some magnet just suck me back.
Not only was my rose colored glasses TOO dark, but his friend at the time WARNED me. Its sad how we dont listen to people. Always have to find out the hard way! From now on, I will listen , and talk less. LOL
Shovelling shit away..right?? HAHHAHAH!
Actually I put the shovel cuz the last time I saw him in the therapist office, she asked "now what do you mean you are a Narc supply, what are you referencing when you say supply??" ( boy was she clueless) I said " well its like when you go out to your shed and get a shovel, use the shovel then throw it back in the shed, thats about all I was worth" , she sat there looking clueless with him. LMMAO!! I had so much fun with it, I enjoyed making his dumb ass squirm, and guess what he couldn't NARC RAGE, cuz then the therapist would see, and I would be right...HAHAHHA SUCKER...!
;)
SSM
My Narc and I didn't live together either, I was his longest relationship he ever had, But looking back I can say I am so glad I didn't sell my house and move in with him! I would have lost everything and he would have had ALL the control, he could have put me and my kids out on the street and he wouldn't have cared. Mine also told me he would never get married again! But he was telling his kids that he was going to marry me, So when it was brought up one day by the kids, my kids told him " my mom will never marry you, it won't happen!" he gave them a dirty look and said "oh really" So I stood up and said "yeah really" if looks could kill ZI would have been dead or close to it lol
Its a blessing you did not move in with him!
My ex narc ex gf was staying with him before we started. They were on and off a few times. After they spilt, narc actually let her stay on another 8 months until she could find a place. He wasnt that cruel to throw her out. But again its not kindness i think its more like he still wants to use her as fallback gal since she is still in love with him.
looks like your narc has
Sounds like she's just a bit better
the non here feels like
You are not the only one
Janine
I don't think you're stupid
Froglegs
Mr. N didn't come out and say
TNR1
When someone tells you who
Hunter, I agree!
SSM
Hunter :)
I was so "in love" that my
My Narc and I didn't live
Its a blessing you did not