Malagadoll's Story

First I want to start by saying how great this site is, how appreciative I am to have found it, and how wonderful it is how everyone here supports each other so lovingly. Also, how terrible I feel about how many people went through such similar things that I went through - no one should have to endure such pain and cruelty.

With that sad, I've never really put my entire story into words, so we'll see how this goes. I moved to a new town my junior year in high school and met my "N" shortly after. We were close friends for a couple of years and by the time we entered college we were pretty much inseperable, we would even travel the country together to visit friends and he would manipulate ways for us to be alone when we slept, etc. I knew (and everyone else so much so that guys would be cautious when they liked me and approached me if they were friends with him too) by that time that my "N" wanted to be much more than friends but I wasn't ready/interested in that type of relationship. At this point although we were close I never payed much attention to how he was in relationships with other girls, all I knew was that he was never very serious for long periods of time. We were in community college together and he seemed to have a bright future. Eventually I decided it was time for me to transfer into a four year college and at that point he decided if I was going to do that and not be in a romantic relationship with him, then he didn't want to be friends at all (RED FLAG #1). I went away and we stopped speaking, once in a while we would see each other at parties but I was so hurt I would ignore him as he tried to make small talk with my roommate who couldn't have cared less. During this time he would visit my family and ask them why I would never give him a chance. A few months later while I was visiting friends at home we went to a party and he was there. At the end of the night (and after several drinks) he approaced me and asked if we could talk. I talked to him, I explained how I was sad we werent friends he apologized and everything pretty much went back to normal after that. By this time even my family was pushing me into giving him a shot as a relationship because he manipulated them so well also ( a fact that they hugely regret to this day). We went on a romantic vacation to Miami together and that was it I was head over heels. I thought how lucky am I that I found a soul mate in my best friend that I had known since high school. We seemed to be the most compatable couple ever and everyone was happy we were finally together. With him I felt feelings I never thought I had, I felt safety I never knew I could feel. He did things that swept me off my feet. Only a few short months after he slowly started to show is "N" ways however I was so young I did't really recognize the signs. He would look at and speak to girls in exaclty the same way he did with me (smooth and flirtatious). I must have asked him to stop 10,000 times during our relationship (now I realize how unhealthy that was) and things only got worse and worse. We would go out and he would get black out drunk flirting with other girls and then when i would call him on it or say why cant you even introduce me he would either come up with some bs excuse or say horrible things to me that the next day he would inevitably come crawling back apologizing (and I would fall right back into it). At one point we lived with my mother while we were saving for a place, yet he dropped out of school and at this point barely worked. Why couldn't he stay with his family? Because even his mother didn't want to deal with him (another red flag). We would fight almost constantly it got so bad people did not want to go out with us. BUt he kept telling me what I wanted to hear and I kept accepting it. ( I also came from a family of addicts so at one point moving out of my home was the only thing I wanted and he was my way out). We finally got a place and I thought I was as happy as I could be. He even surprised me with a puppy I wanted for my birthday and I thought he was the greatest guy ever (after a year my puppy got hit by a car because the "N" was stoned and didn't shut the front door all the way - that I will never recover from). I thought he understood we were growing up by this time we were 22-23 and that I didn't get the apartment so he could smoke, have people over all the time while I worked 6 days a week and he did nothing. He also contiued his drunken ways of partying all night and not coming home. I guess i didn't realize how bad it was until I lived with him. To this day I still don't know what he was doing and if or how many times he cheated on me. He would be hot and cold constantly and when I would call him out he would say I was being his mom, yet he basically acted like a child. He would never clean and I became the person who took care of us both. He would belittle me and more and more he would say how this girl was great, or this girl did this and whatever I did wasnt good enough. We started rarely going out together and the more he hurt me the less I stroked his ego and the less useful I was to him. We eventually didnt even go out together any more because of how bad things got. I got out of control calling him 20 times when he wouldnt come home because I was worried about him (sooo unhealthy) and he would ignore me and come home when he pleased. Everyone tried to get me to leave but I didn't want to see the truth. I became a miserable b*tch and shut myself off from the world. Eventually it got so bad he stopped even pretedning he wasnt talking to other girls, I would find things on his phone and on facebook once I found a message to another girl "sorry about the rape last night". I wasnt even looking for that but he accidentally left his page up on my computer. Show's you how the universe works. He told me they danced and he kissed her, I'm sure that happened. I could barely function anymore. HE finally got a job and began moving on to a new group of friends (he had gotten too close to his previous ones) and I barely saw him. At that point I grabbed my things and ran for the hills. At 24 after 5 years, an apartment and 2 dogs I left almost everything and saved myself. I couldn't understand how someone who told me I was the world to him and we were definitely getting married and he wanted to have my kids, and who was there when my grandmother died, my brother had cancer, and my other brother getting engaged could give up everything we had and been so cruel. He barely tried to make it work even after. I suspect I wasn't giving him the "NS" he wanted in the end because even when I was so beat down I would still stand up for myself so he began looking for his new supply while still living with me as a backup. I went on 2 vacations after i left and he was so pissed he went out hooking up with anything and everything. After the first month we stopped speaking altgoether. After a total of 8 years we had no contact at all. 4 months after we broke up I found out through FB (which he claimed to hate, yet ran and posted his relationship status immediately) he was in a new relationship with a 19 year old that was an ugly version of me. That crushed me beyond words. I am still very close with the rest of his family (i know I'm not supposed to be but I always was theyre like family to me and barely like him so it's a hard situation). Although i told them to stop they tell me how weird she is and how she never stands up for herself and never says no to him (big suprise he found her). I went through Post traumatic stress syndrom, went to therapy and at some points could only function just to make it through the day. I felt like my happiness, my faith in people was stolen, like my soul had been raped. After several months and such support from the people I love and am eternally grateful for not turning their backs on me after my behavior I slowly began to feel slightly better each day. One day a mutual friend who I had just been on vacation with had a 25th bday party. I knew in my heart that he would bring her there knowing I was going to be there and he did. He made it awkward for all of our friends and not only did he disrespect me like that, but he made it a point to follow me around the whole time with her and made himself look like an ass. Later this summer when we talked he said he had no idea I would be there. BS. I was so proud of myself for acting normal and not making a scene and it just made our friends have my back even more. I should have realized this is who he was as he's jumped from groups of friends to groups of friends through out our entire relationship one second they mean the world to him the next minute he moves on. There were times where he would breakdown to me and begin to tell me how he doesnt like himself how hes depressed and he doesnt know who he even is, and then the next minute he would say he loves himself and his life. Later in the summer he began calling and texting begging me to see him, and then when I said I may meet up with him he would disappear. He also brought her to a festival where I work every year and again he knew I would be there. A month later he would text again about how he hasnt moved on and cant think about the last 6 years without thinking of me. When I text him back that having a new gf seemed pretty moved on to me, she texted me to stop texting her boyfriend. I replied that she had no idea who he really was. She had nothng to say. The same thing happened again and she text me back again and I said tell your boyfreind to leave me alone he's the one whos been texting me and what kind of person goes out with someone 4 months after he had been in a 5 year relationship. No answer. Finally through therapy, ready about narcissim, friends, etc. I began to feel like myself again. I planned a trip to live in Spain for 3 months (where I am now) and right before was also my 25th birthday. He wanted to see me and wouldnt leave me alone so I folded and saw him. At first I didnt speak much but let him know how I felt about his disrespect and of course he didnt see jumping into a new relationship as disrespect (he had actually told me when we broke up that I should be single for a while, that that's what I needed-projecting much?). I made the mistake of slipping back into feeling like I was with my best friend and ended up hooking up with him (more to see if he would cheat on her too). I immediately regreted it and didnt even enjoy it at the time). The next day was my bday and he said he would call and we would hangout etc. Big surprise, no call. Even though I didnt even truly want him to I felt like I did and like i was used because of the games he plays. He texted me at midnight a pathetic happy birthday and I ignore him. The next day I text him a big F you and that he was still worthless. He called and said I text you and blah blah blah and that he wanted to rekindle things and I found out he and the girl werent even together at the time. She was probaby insecure and dumped him. We text a few times and then I heard nothng from him again. I left a week later and have been here a week and havent heard a word, other than from FB that they seem to be back together. He probably told her I moved away and she would never have to worry again. I am sure he wanted to see if he could have me back but couldnt deal with my trip and knew she's a safer bet. I'm not shocked by him I'm disappointed in a way in myself for letting it happen. On the other hand this is something i never had to deal with and not only was this my first relationship and I am feeling things a normal person would feel (wanting to see if I still had any feelings for him) but I have to deal with my normal feelings with a very not normal person.. I emailed him and called him out one last time about him needing to see if he could get me one last time (which I then regretted) and then blocked him from facebook and hope to never hear from him again. I love his family and they still have my dog that I cant keep right now, so that's a struggle but It's been 7 months since I left him and I will never ever have contact with him again.

I appreciate any one who reads this and has feedback, other than my therapist who doesn't know exactly what it's like for someone in our positions I've never shared my full story with anyone beacuse although he has almost no friends left and everyone knows how hard i had it they do not truly understand. I let him take my essence and who I was as a person and I will try my best to never go through anything like this again.