And it turned me into a crazy sounding lunatic.
I would send ridiculous amounts of nasty text messages and would get this response:
"I just love how our conversations always end. Goodbye."
Your post just knocked me on my ass because I knew when he was doing it exactly what he was doing and I could do absolutely nothing to control my transformation into a complete and total raving, screaming, crying, pathetic lunatic.
I hear you, honey. :)
OMG, it's as if you read the my "script" that the ex gave me. It is so so so so sick......I'm so glad you get it, because that was ME exactly in the relationship. I DO NOT react that way anywhere else in my life now. I'm calm without him and can THINK straight. It was exhausting to be so full of rage and anger all the time! I feel I took on HIS traits while he tried to STEAL mine. Bastard!
Honest to God, I started to seriously doubt my own sanity.
I would be screaming crazy things and he would be soooooooo fucking calm.
And it all started because I simply asked him to clarify something he had said. Or questioned him on something. Or chose to take a different viewpoint than him. Or, or, or...
Beyond sick.
Yes, I get it and now so do you and that makes me ecstatic!
Now that we got it, we can get rid of it and start moving forward.
Shall we?
I swear to God you, Monique....well forget it, ALL who posted on this were married to and/or dating the same JERK! Yours was the calm one too, eh? They LOVE that shit! Makes them appear so self righteous!
Unfreakin, I'm most grateful for your post, it really helped me. It's scary, isn't it? Our disordered one's used the SAME tactics and words. WOW!
I'm so excited about this revelation! It makes so much sense!
I felt exactly the same way when I realized it.
Excited!
I am sooooo happy it helped you - my thoughts were so jumbled when it was coming to me that I am surprised anybody could understand it.
Rock on, my enlightened friend !
Big hugs to you.
If you don't mind I'm going to use your term "relationshit"
I fricking love it! Made me laugh til I almost peed!
And to answer your question yes it did. He would be so cool and calm and make these little digs. Not enough for me to get really pissed but it would leave me thinking are you f'n serious? My gut told me he meant what he said but if I said anything he'd get all sweet guy & "oh babe I didn't mean it that way at all. I would never think that of you"
Total projection! I love that I now know what the hell it's called!
He totally got away with the mindfucking because I ignored my instincts. Never again!
I soo call anyone & everyone on their shit now! I tell them to play their games with someone else. I'm done with it.
I do hope with the knowledge we are gaining and passing on that someday narcs will become extinct. Like dinosauers!
Actually he didn't generally try to turn it around like that, maybe because I was firm right from the start (in light of already being in a relationship) that I did not want to muck him about or hurt him.
Instead with him, it's the denial. It's not that I did it instead of him, just that he DIDN'T do it. If that fails the emotional twisting kicked in, which basically boils down to him taking the approach that his emotions were more important than mine, so mine could be discounted.
Oh yes, this happened but, he did it in a different manner. Mine was a slick lawyer and he had total control over his emotions through his training, personality disorder and profession (actually, he was devoid of any feelings except for anger). He figured out my vulnerabilities and continued to pour salt in the wounds. Whenever he wanted space or drama, he'd push those buttons...a total sadistic SOB. He loved the power he had over me.
The way he dealt with my anger and hurt feelings is by telling me that he will not tolerate metdowns. In other words, he projected everything back on me by inferring that my emotions made me "faulty" and never once addressed the issues. The consequence for my meltdowns was the silent treatment. He would disappear and not contact me for days, weeks or months.
To me, the cruelist of all was the silent treatment. He refused to communicate and take ownership for anything. It was always his way or no way. I was expected to take what he dished out and to be happy that such an important human being would pay attention to me.
Yup. There is the cycle. I would dare criticize him in his selfish childish ways, or even asking him to not smoke that 21st cigarette and provoke him into cruelty. I would respond with text message after text message or disbelief and anger and he would respond with silent treatment and sexual withdrawal. I felt fucking crazy. It makes you feel crazy and unnerved to have someone distort reality that way. It also makes you feel crazy to have thoughts of wanting to hit him over the head with a frying pan.
God they are sick.
Mine too, always calm, cool and collected, sick SOB
If I got upset or mad he would always put the blame on me and say I was acting childish or he would talk to me if I apologized to him for my behavior! Well he always continued to text me even if he was giving silent treatment, I gave it back to him twofold and he didn't like it. I think this was after I figured him out, I would just text to him "bite me" cause he liked to use that phrase, or I would add "bite me grandpa" cause he was a young grandfather and I knew that would put him in his place. I think being married to an abusive Narc gave me the strength to not put up with his shit or find a center of weakness and use it against them like they would do to us. He was a calm, sadistic, liar, would never make a scene but behind the scenes would make a comment here or there that proved his sickness. If I called him out on anything, his excuse was "I never said that". It was always a losing battle on my part. He never did anything wrong.
Mine was like that, too. He had a Dr. Title and was always Mr. Rational, Mr. Cool and Collected, Mr. Above It All. I was the crazy one for getting upset. His digs were always at such a subtle level that it was almost impossible to clarify what was making me feel permanently off-balance. He could torture me in company without anyone else realizing what was going on, and act the innocent victim of a crazy woman each time I flipped. And I always did flip sooner or later, because he just wouldn`t stop until I did. He just wouldn`t stop, no matter how low and desperate and finally ill I became - multikill was his game. Fire 100 bullets where one would have been enough, more than enough for someone as sensitive as I am.
I am so glad I have found this forum, and so glad I understand what a monster he is.
after he would says "why are you upset".
and say that I was being unreasonable. Then it would be that I "needed help", or that I'm "crazy", "too emotional". TOTAL projection and manipulation on his part.
Scary part is, my dad used to do this to my mom. Yikes! Where's Sigmun Freud when we need him??!!!!
This is EXACTLY what mine would do.
Toward the end of the "relationshit"... I realized that he loved to get a reaction out of me so even when i was hurt I had decided to control my reactions, so as not to give him the satisfaction.
Then lo and behold, even when i completely pretended he had not hurt me and i tried to appear completely unaffected....he would ask... what's wrong? is something wrong??.... and of course if i would tell him, BINGO!! He would turn it around and say i was the one who was somehow in the wrong... being unreasonable, i misunderstood poor poor him, why did i always make him feel like he could just not say or do anyhing right?? Yup, they really know how to turn it all around. So glad to be out!!
I always heard "your right" "oh it's all me" "I don't want or need this shit" (heard this on every D&D) "I don't make you happy" but then he would say "you could have made me happy" "I'm tired of walking on eggshells" "if you loved me you wouldn't treat me this way" I did everything for this man and he appreciate NOTHING , NOTHING was ever GOOD enough.And every stinking time he gave me the ST or D&D'd me I WENT AFTER HIS SORRY ASS! NO MORE!
i wanted to slap the stupid off of him, when he D&D'd me I told him I could move on, he told me he wouldn't stand in my way, so he won't be back, I know him well enough to know that when he is DONE with someone he is done.
I felt this way when mine said I was "raging." No one has ever said this of me! I am slow to anger and probably not in a good way, bc I fail to get angry perhaps when I should. I have been to a massage therapist and a chiropractor who while putting their hands on me have said that they can sense I am a calm and laid back person.
everytime we had an argument mine would say "that's it - it's over" - or i'm taking you off this, or i'm taking this off you... and stupid me would say "oh - please - no"... he would tell me how i was too empathetic, and that i put my family before him... how dare i love my family more than him..
Every. Freakin. Day.
Unfreakin
Creepola alright...
Unfreakin
I felt exactly the same way
Sun
Projection!!! Same idiot
Actually he didn't generally
Meltdowns & Provacations
Cruel crazy and punish
Mine too, always calm, cool and collected, sick SOB
Yes
yes Sunafterrain...and he would turn the tables
This is EXACTLY what mine
I always heard "your right"
Needing
eggshells
sunafterrain
me too....
They mimic words they read and hear all the time!
projection
yes, that's what they do
Empath
everytime we had an argument