Are they AWARE?

This is a question I`ve been asking myself a lot since I discovered narcissism - not so much "Are they aware" but "was MINE aware". And I think the question is dangerous because it masks deeper, unconscious questions along the lines of, "Could I forgive him" or "Do we still have a chance". And I`ve caught myself thinking along those lines often. It`s like a kind of hidden undertow, a pull. And it`s dangerous. I don`t think it`s so important to know if they`re aware of what they`re doing or not, actually. I guess those of us whose hidden agendas dictate that we would best like to forgive them and go back to them tend to believe that they`re NOT aware, whereas those whose survival depends on building really strong walls against them tend to believe that they are sadistic deliberately. I also don´t believe that we really need to known for certain if they`re narcs or not, though I personally spent over a month researching narcissism and it helped me a LOT to understand what had happened to me, because I was like a bird that had flown against a windowpane to start with. I researched abuse as well, trying to find a definition of it, trying to figure out if what I had suffered was really abuse. I think the bottom line is not, does he know what he`s doing/is he a narc/is this abuse but: do I want this? Do I like it? Do I feel good/safe/happy with him? And ultimately, Can I stand it? I couldn`t stand it, that`s why I left. And although all my research helped a lot to clarify and consolidate my reasons for leaving, the bottom line was - and is - this man is not good for ME. Love to all fellow sufferers.

My Ex N knew what she was during "narcissistic Injury". During the 1st D&D she had not quite hooked the new supply but had to move due to legal reasons. I am assuming this was scary for her as she would have to be alone for a time while she secured supply. I messed things up with the new OW after having several conversations with the OW and "HER HUSBAND". There was a bitter divorce and stipulations that the 2 could not see each other due to the child. Anyway, the ExN wrote me a letter the day she moved out. The letter described how she was not able to love and give me, or anyone for that matter, what they needed in a relationship. She wrote that "I was another innocent victim in her disturbed world". That statement hit the nail on the head! I do believe there are moments that they know there is something wrong with them but only when THEY have lost something. That feeling only lasts until they get their next fix or know they have secured supply. My N did come back 6 mths after the 1st D&D. She could not secure the supply she was after. The 2nd D&D had nothing to indicate there was any "faked" remorse or compassion or that she had any issues. She already had supply secured and hooked that time.

There were times that he was self-aware. This was very rare. He knew of course that he lied and manipulated because he always knew the truth about his real life. So when he was posing as what he was not, he was doing it intentionally. His self-awareness came in that he knew he had trouble dealing with emotions, especially love. He knew that he detached from people and was able to do this incredibly easily - even to his family members. He told me that he disliked this in himself. There were times I felt that he truly did love me as much as he was able to have any feelings for anyone. But it would never last. Not even within the same day. When the truth about everything came out (his lying and cheating and betrayal) he had no choice but to face it. He did tell me the truth about many things then but all of this truth was from before we were together. He could not face the truth of his infidelity in our relationship. He didn't deny it but didn't admit it either. At the end he called himself a piece of shit and garbage. I know on one level he was saying this so I would say no you aren't I love you but I know too that on another level this was what he already believed and had nothing to do with me being in his life. This was a long-held evaluation of himself as unworthy of love. I know that ER is a sensitive and caring man who is wounded to his core and unable of processing emotions. He has no empathy and no remorse for his cruel actions. This is how he has been toward women his entire life, beginning with the women in his family. This is how he still is with his mother, his Aunt, his wife, me, all the other women too. There has never been any reason for him to change because his wife will never leave him no matter that he has cheated on her since they were first married. As for the other women they are easily replaced and he does that regularly while keeping a handful of regulars as minor supply to keep him going in the interim. I am the anomaly who fits nowhere and this has caused him consternation. Usually he would have discarded me many months ago. I would have never become "the girlfriend" if it weren't for my money and support I've given him this entire time. He wants to be rid of me but needs my money. And needs me because I am there as this second wife-object since his wife is not a good source of supply for him. His daily mode of operation is based entirely upon routine and impulse. He does what his wife requires (takes care of the animals, picks up his daughter from school, babysits her while his wife goes to work)and then breaks free to go hunting, run errands (and in the past) to get away to come see me. Now he is probably seeing someone else who likely lives closer than me (I am 40 minutes away). But if he decides he wants to see me for whatever reason, he will. ER never does anything that he doesn't wish to. I have said many things here to him and he has not denied them, including his being a narcissist. I am certain he has been told this at least a couple of times before by other women. For me, the more I got into his pathology, the closer to his true self, the deeper I fell in love with him. I finally found him amidst all the lies and false personas and he hates me for it.

With all the studying I've done about it, they know what they are doing and they do it intentionally. To believe otherwise is dangerous. This is why it takes so long for the survivors to recover or the get stuck in the LURING phase. The Honeymoon phase where the PD sucks the victim in in the first place. He puts on a mask and a fake persona. He knows he's lying. This is manipulation and the most dangerous of all the things he does that gets the victim into his web. his ENTIRE luring is all fake, all of it lies. So in answer to your question, I believe they do know exactly what they are doing and they do it for the purpose and intention of duping and harming. This is, BY FAR, the hardest thing to accept. But this is what predators do.

I think they are aware because many of them are sadistic and they get great pleasure at seeing others suffer. The problem is that they have no empathy and are so disconnected that they can't relate to the depth of suffering they cause. To them, it's all about sucking energy out of their victims. I also think they are aware that there's something wrong with them. Mine eluded to it many times without actually saying it. He explained that he was having sex at age 3 and that he was raised by a by a bunch of female relatives. When I called him a narcissist and psychopath, he didn't defend it; it was almost like he knew I was correct.

They are very complicated people and so there is no simple, straightforward answer to this question. I think they are aware that they are different from other people. In fact, mine once said as much to me. This was said to me during a heated conversation where I had asked him to explain how it was possible that he could be totally in love with me and planning to spend the rest of his life with me one minute and, the next, discarding me forever like I was nobody. I told him (through my tears of agony) that this was just not normal behaviour. He became angry and retorted "Well it's normal for me". He then said to me "I'm not like other people, I'm different". Never a truer word spoken! However, whilst they may be aware that they are different, this still does not mean that they are able to acknowledge that they are reponsible for hurting others. Part of their condition involves them seeing themselves as perfect, in a God-like way, so they cannot ever see that their behaviour is wrong in any way. Everything has to be someone else's fault. In this sense, they are living a lie. Their whole life is a confabulation. The narcissist operates using personas and has no real personality of his own. For this reason, he is incapable of connecting with himself or reflecting on himself at all. Imagine you are an actor playing the part of a character who has done something wrong (e.g murder). Would you feel guilty? Of course not, because it is the character that you were playing that has committed the crime, not you. The narcissist/psychopath feels the same way about the personas that he displays to other people. It is all an act, therefore it was not really "him" that did it. They are so far removed from the rest of us and that makes it very hard to get into their mindset. Ultimetely, from my point of view, whether the narcissist/psychopath deliberately kept hurting me purely for sadistic pleasure or did it absent-mindedly whilst being completely and utterly self-centred, is irrelevant to me. The fact that he did at all makes me certain that neither he, nor that relationship, were right for me. However confusing the rest of it gets, that is a fact that is not up for debate. xxx

Mine told me in the beginning that he was "bad" at relationships. Eight years ago, I didn't know exactly what that statement meant. He was divorced twice after two lengthy marriages with kids, 14yrs and 20yrs. Both wives left. "Bad" at relationships means cheater, liar, jerk, asshole, sicko, psycho, pervert, etc... I figured it out, wow... He also told me all he cares about is money and that he intends on remaining "single" and loves living alone, but, of course, he "loves me." He said that we were going to the moon in a "used spaceship" LOL. Fast forward several years...after losing millions in real estate, he moved in someone and justified it by stating that "I can't do it alone" and that "I've lived alone for 6 years." Maybe she has money, I don't know. This was a year after he anounced that the only person he loved was his childhood girlfriend from High School, who he had not seen for 50 years!!!!, and, who he eventually got to divorce her husband. Incredible!! (This fool is 65) If this isn't psycho, I don't know what is. Actually, I do know; it's me tolerating the shit for 8 years. Nothing they say means anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!What hurts the most is that he's happily living with someone and that he doesn't care. He's rich and continues to make money, dispite his losses. Even at his age, getting women is not a problem. I cant' even fanthom being with anyone at this point, and I'm no spring chicken either. It's all so devistating.

The short answer in my opinion is some do and some dont. I think the high functioning one are quite aware that something isnt quite right with them. Mine said I wish I had lived my life differently and then after months of I love you's said he's gonna treat you better than I will (referring to my husband). You see some of them warn you of whats about to come but at the time you dont see it that way.

He has no idea what he's doing...ever. I have come to the conclusion that he's completely unaware of the damage he inflicts. He thinks he's totally in the right at all times and the rest of the world is out to get him. He says he hates his life, but he has no idea how to change it. Those of us who don't have NPD have the ability to self-assess, change and go forth and be happy. They don't. Most of them won't seek therapy, and if they do, it is short lived because they get disillusioned the second the therapist says they might need to take some responsibility for their behavior. I can't speak for anyone else, but I truly think mine is the most unaware person I've ever met. The only thing he does know is that he doesn't know who he is...and that he has to pretend to be someone other people will like. Must be exhausting.

Mine is a therapist with a masters degree...completely self-aware. Scary huh?

Mine is a therapist with a masters degree...completely self-aware. Scary huh?

Mine admitted to his boss that he is an alcoholic/pill popper so he cannot get fired. He works for the city. He knows he is an alcoholic and has problems. He has also told me that I have problems and I have made him the way he is because I am crazy! I haven't felt on edge or angry since he left!! Yes I am angry at the way he treated me and made me feel! Yes I am sad for the loss at what I thought was real. I stood by him through a lot of shit and now I am D & D. I believe he knows what he put me through. He told me I will begging for him back!!! Just can't believe how sick these people are.

My dear Dulcinea (nice name btway :-) it is VERY, VERY intentional. I lived with N mother, and kept bumping into Narcs all my life, starting from teachers to lovers. They prey on people`s vulnerabilities. They view LOVE and the ability to love, as a weakness. Many of them had grew with abusive parents, and most of all, abusive mothers. They turn all the hate and frustration into the closest who dare to love them. Yes, you guessed, all the other women in their lives..if they know it? certainely. After one devalue & discard treatment, mine smiled. SMILED! He knew, they know, exactly what they are doing. And have no remorse, doing it again.