He Haunts Me

Oh, it DEFINITELY didn't happen immediately! For context, I've been NC about a year, and haven't seen my ex for about nine months (we worked together, hence the difference.) Here's the basic timeline: Months 1-4: Tried to figure out the NC thing. I needed to be professional at work, but he played LOTS of mind games during this time, making it difficult. I started therapy because I thought I was going crazy (literally). The therapist told me he was a Narcissist. I started reading about narcissism, which was how I found this board. Month 4-5: He moved cross country over the Christmas holiday. He kept it quiet at work, which was weird (there were only ~20 people in the office at that time) and no one knew until he was just gone when we returned from holiday. I blocked him from every account I could think of except Facebook (because I didn’t want to go to his page) and text (because I didn’t want to change my number or pay $5 a month to block). He kept sending texts and emailed a couple of apologies via Facebook. I ignored it, figuring he would give up when he realized I wasn’t going to respond. Month 6-8: My therapist told me that Ex was a smokescreen for the REAL issue. She said he likely tapped into a deeper, older wound, and that's what we needed to focus on. So, I forced myself to dig deeper. It was hard and seriously sucked. At first, I wasn’t sure it was the way to go because I actually felt WORSE. Month 9: I woke up FURIOUS one day for no discernable reason. It was the first time I had actually gotten angry, so I was actually glad about that! I emailed Goldie and asked her to block him from my Facebook account (bless her for being there) and called AT&T to have his number blocked. He had been sending texts consistently every couple of weeks since he left town. Again, I had NEVER responded to ANY of them. Month 10-present: Blissful silence! My reasons for not blocking him from the start weren’t emotional, but I wish I had done this the first day. No single thing I’ve done has been as healing as closing that door firmly and permanently. I no longer jump for the phone like a crack addict every time I get a text message or IM. I still think about him, but I stick around here to help others; I’m no longer looking for answers. I’m not exactly indifferent, but I can confidently say that there’s nothing he could do to ever persuade me to take him back. So there you go. I know this was long, but it was the kind of thing I wish I could have read when I was in the early weeks. It feels like the hurt will never heal. It’s exhausting. But I’ve worked hard to be where I am today and I’m so grateful to be here. My life is better than it’s ever been and I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. My friendships have deepened, my relationships with my mom and brother have grown, and I’ve worked through a lot of issues that were getting in my way. It’s a TOUGH road, but for me, totally worth it.

By taking the focus off them (as the N trained us to focus on them) and put the focus on ourselves, where it belongs. You have to retrain yourself in your thinking, and make a conscious effort to interrupt your habituated pattern of trying to "solve" the mystery of the N. Accept that trying to understand the N and how they could be so devoid of compassion, empathy and conscience is about as pointless as trying to imagine yourself without compassion, empathy and conscience. Break out of the cognitive dissonance by alllowing yourself permission to focus on other things for a change, like doing things that are positive and productive for yourself and eventually you will be free of that feeling of being haunted by the N and focused on the Ns needs. Focus on yourself, give the best of your time and energy and resources to yourself...that is not being selfish or N-like, that is being healthy again, as you hopefully were before you met the N. It is pointless to so end more time on the N or thinking about the N...they will not and cannot change. You can change though, so work towards that worthy goal instead.