He Haunts Me

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#1 Sep 22 - 9AM
MandyM
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He Haunts Me

That sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe how I feel lately.

I'm not thinking about him nearly as much as I was after my encounter with him last month. I'm not missing him as much. I'm going about my life, taking care of business, making plans for the future . . . but it's like he's always THERE, a dark shadow in the background, no matter what I'm doing or what I'm thinking about. I don't even know what he's doing there - I just feel like he IS.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Sep 27 - 7AM
Crazy Train
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The Dreams Continue......

Hello Mandy, Same issue with me. Almost nightly dreams that are so real.....just woke up from yet another one. I have been NC for 4 weeks. It surely isn't easy but I'm doing it. Like you, I feel that I'll never ever fully be "free" of him in my subconscious. There is a part of me that will never be the same again. Very sad.
Sep 27 - 6AM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Yes yes yes!!!! Haunted is

Yes yes yes!!!! Haunted is exactly how I feel. Thank you for finding the perfect word. I feel like I am being haunted by him, I saw him last week from a distance, I saw his ex girlfriend at a bar last night (she plagued our relationship for 5 years and chased him...still not sure what went on there entirely.) And then today working in a new school a teacher yells down the hall and sounds exactly like him, it sends shivers up my spine and for a second I forget where I am. Then I find a note in his hand writing in my notebook for work. I never felt hanuted by him because even though we never spoke he was still at my work, he was real I saw him each day. Now I havent seen him for over 6 weeks, it feels like his lack of presence is haunting me. A few things have happened that seem more than a coincidence like my mind is playing tricks on me. It seems like the more time away from him the more he haunts me. I guess it really is like a death in a way. I wish he would stop haunting me. It feels like he has been shoved in my face lately. I wish I could snap out of it and feel indifferent like I did a few months ago.
Sep 25 - 2PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

He does haunt me

Even after almost 19 months NC. He's in my head every day Mandy. But not because I miss him or want to be with him. Because he's pretending to live this happy life and getting away with it. Still get pissed about that. But each day I see him more for the f'd up person he is...disordered sounds to nice. And I am realizing with each day I am so lucky I got out and will never return to him. It's all about image with them. But we all know at the end of the day he has to live with himself. And he doesn't like that at all. Too bad soo sad narc boy. And I know he knows I know all about his fake self & when I return to where he lives he will run & hide like a coward. Or some say he will try to be friends with me. I personally think he'll stay away from me. He couldn't handle me ignoring him in front of all his, our, friends. And he doesn't dare say a bad word about me cuz he knows they'll never believe him. It takes time to get our soul back. But we do. Not to be the same ever again. But that's ok. This all happened for US for a reason.
Sep 25 - 11PM (Reply to #41)
CaminoReal
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Faith

Thanks for your comment "It takes time to get our soul back. But we do. Not to be the same ever again. But that's ok. This all happened for US for a reason." I can accept this... CR
Sep 25 - 1PM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

I relate so much to this. I

I relate so much to this. I work, shop, clean, do whatever. He is right there on my shoulder every minute. It's worse when I'm out on a "date." Virginia license plates trigger acute sadness, and even though I'm in PA there are plenty of them around - and I was a basket case on a recent trip south. As I do everyday things - make coffee (he was never happy with my coffee), run the laundry (I loved hanging up his shirts - how stupid is that), caring for my pets ("our" dog was the light of my life) - I think of him over and over and over and over again. Distraction doesn't come close to helping. Haunting indeed.
Sep 25 - 11AM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Yeah, I have that...see

Yeah, I have that...see here. Being aware it's happening helps a lot in itself.
Sep 24 - 9PM
Sunafterrain
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Mandy

I feel that way, yes, not all the time, but MOST of the time still. Depends on what's going on in your life too, as there can be many triggers, setbacks, etc. I think everyone's process is very different. What you're feeling will dissipate with time. I'm so tired of the wheel spinning then hearing "IT"S TIME TO FOCUS ON YOU!" Yea, I know. I ignore that shit now. While it's so imperative to healing, everyone is at a different point in the process. You can't do healing "WRONG" when you're going through it, or on anyone else's time. It has to be in your own way. Having said that, to help you a little, while it will take awhile for the "haunting" feelings of him to go away, you can use that time to tell yourself the GOOD things you're doing for yourself right now and have since NC that are helping you to build a life away from him! The reality that he is merely a SHADOW is an amazing feat in your life. I think it's important that we all remember that 85% of women go back to these relationships and stay there. That is a SOBERING percentage, so the women and men here who have had such courage and immeasurable STRENGTH to do NC at all, is a testament to what they want for themselves, which is MUCH MORE than the ex could ever have given. It's better to ruminate, feel "haunted" for awhile, cry, get angry, a step forward a step back, and so on...than to BREAK NC AND GO BACK. It's called HOPE. And no one can take that away from you. Almost everyone here has a level of hope, or they would not be posting. A level of wanting more for themselves, despite the aftermath symptoms, or they would not be posting. Please try not to be too troubled about the haunting of him. That's perfectly NORMAL. Keep moving forward, even if it's just a little at times, or feels that way and know that the steps you're taking are what it really means to honor yourself. He'll be gone out of your mind soon enough HUGS
Sep 25 - 11AM (Reply to #37)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Sunafterrain - 85% of women go back and stay...

OMG...are you saying that 85% of us on this blog will go back and STAY. In that case, I think it would be accurate to say that of the 85%, many will die at the hands of the psycho either via disease, depression, PTSD, cutting, suicide or murder; or a combo pack of ailments. Not sure who gathered this data but I wonder. I know that most women go back many times before making a total break but most leave eventually, either dead or alive. If this is true, the ultimate Narc gift is the D & D. I was blessed with being replaced with the OW and even though I continue struggle with it, deep down I know he did me a huge favor.
Sep 24 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
empath
empath's picture

sunafterrain

When you wrote "use that time to tell yourself the GOOD things you're doing for yourself right now and have since NC that are helping you to build a life away from him!" ...isn't that the same as telling someone "its time to focus on you"?
Sep 24 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
empath
empath's picture

sunafterrain

When you wrote "use that time to tell yourself the GOOD things you're doing for yourself right now and have since NC that are helping you to build a life away from him!" ...isn't that the same as telling someone "its time to focus on you"?
Sep 25 - 10AM (Reply to #34)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

empath

Yes and No. It's more of a way to help with the cog/dis that many experience here, while still focused on HIM. It's a slow shift.
Sep 25 - 1PM (Reply to #35)
empath
empath's picture

sunafterrain

I think you are correct in that it is a subtle and gradual shift in your thinking...what I found very helpful was simply to "untrain" myself from being focused on HIS needs and how I fit into HIS world, and look from my own perspective to MY needs and how he fit into, or rather how he didn't fit into, MY world. I do agree with you...we definitely need to spend some time looking at who they are and observing them and their behavior before we can even begin to address our own, yet I think many of us are here because we are givers who have learned to place others before our own selves, and unless you truly are Mother Teresa, that can be a painful way to go through life. We could all benefit from being a bit more "me-centric" :-)
Sep 24 - 9PM
Elena
Elena's picture

Feeling of being haunted

Yes, I know the feeling, I think it's the impact of the damage of the narcissist, I felt this way for a while. I read a book called "Malignant Self Love" by Sam Vaknin that helped me understand the Narcissist and the damage they leave, this way when I felt all the feelings I felt, I understood them, and they didn't frighten me, because I was informed and educated on what I would be feeling, so the feeling was not a surprise. This knowledge helped me in my recovery. I used to think he was everywhere, I used to drive around in my car and think he was anywhere around me. This is the degree of damage, but as I healed from the trauma, this feeling that he was everywhere went away. Now I can care less if he is anywhere, I am not intimidated, he's like any stranger now.
Sep 22 - 9PM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

He haunts me, not only in the

He haunts me, not only in the sense that I think incessantly of him, but that my soul feels violated, preyed upon. The feeling is so deeply unsettling that sometimes I feel I've been swallowed up by an empty void where there is no trace of faith and love to be found. I know this feeling will pass, but the existential crisis it has caused in me is frightening. My whole being is shaken.
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Existential Crisis

I agree with you. I knew my N 3 years & was married to him for 2 1/2 years before I left him. Other than contact (very minimal) for a 10 month divorce, I have had little or no contact with him. (He replaced me the day I left him with a NW so no hoovering except a few 10 minute peeps when they were arguing.) So to say, I am out now 2 years & 4 months. I am haunted big time. This man has changed the way I think about myself & others. I can barely trust anybody whom I did not know before I met him. Have almost zero interest in dating. My N has left me feeling so violated & invaded. It is like a drill in my head. He's always there. I have flashbacks all the time. I don't know if I can ever be free. Once upon a time it was all about me. If anything I was opinionated & narcissistic myself. Now I have been reduced to a shadow. I have been so humbled. I feel like a nothing. And I feel I ruined my life over this man.
Sep 26 - 3AM (Reply to #27)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

sorry to say that I can totally relate

But I do try to have hope that happy times will return again to my life but I am so much older than when I met him I just am not that outgoing anymore - I am changed in a profound way and i do not think I will ever be totally joyous again (though I do have fun with friends and generally enjoy life) - my innocence is lost and a huge part of me feels used and washed up I know we can recover but this is really hard work - I have flash backs every day and for little silly reasons: I undid my bra last night when it was too tight and all I could think about was the times he undid it and the jokes we would make - it seems so pathetic that I carry him with me when he is off dancing in the streets far away not even thinking of me... I think the hardest part of the recovery is now - the inbetween stage - I know too much now about the disorder to be in denial and think we could ever be happy together but I miss him on a deep level and there is still pain in my heart. For the newbies, not saying it doesn't get better - it does and I no longer feel like a silent ghost staggering around in a daze - I function much better and do all my normal stuff but there is an underlying sadness that I think will be there a long time, even if I fall in love with a very nice person - it was just too traumatic of a mind fuck getting abandoned without a word after so long and then the loving reappearance and second disappearance - yet I know it was my responsibility to get out of it long ago, but I just could not - I was too fond of him to dump him, he was a loveable jerk narc and I did not realize the extent of the psychological damage until he was gone
Sep 26 - 8AM (Reply to #30)
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Thank you for your post which

Thank you for your post which describes my feelings as well. Missing someone and remembering him through ordinary everyday little things in life and so feeling pangs many times throughout the day. Too late to deny the disorder but too soon to be whole again. Being changed and forever carrying a mantle of sadness, even in ostensibly happy times. Everyone here is so encouraging, but I question whether psychological damage and the resulting chronic sadness can ever be overcome. *Hugs* to you, Ifinallygotit.
Sep 26 - 5AM (Reply to #28)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

i finallygotit....

Thanks for your post...i could have written it myself...you really do express exactly how it is for me too...Hughs

Aceonelady

Sep 27 - 2AM (Reply to #29)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

thanks folks

It is my goal to fight my way out of this and be reasonably happy again - I am not someone to ever give up (maybe why I stayed in an impossible relationship so long!). But I ain't gonna lie, this experience just stopped me dead in my tracks - I knew he had a bad history with women but did know about Narcs being able to just go cold turkey and block out a decade and disappear without a word! I know this sounds crazy but he acted still totally in love with me when he reappeared this summer and actually seemed quite confused by his behavior - so I do not see him as evil so much as lost and just going with whatever is in front of him - but this makes me sad too as he is not really a "man" - not someone you could ever count on...knowing how disordered and weak he is just really really hurts but i am practicing acceptance. I have to fight the desire to "make nice" daily as I hate that we left things unresolved. Also, remember since they do not attach and bond they do not feel the pain and are merely flattered when they see us in pain! No point in killing ourselves for someone who would be only mildly amused by it! Life is good! this experience is not, but maybe it will force me to stop being a hopeless romantic!
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Agnes

I so hate to hear that you're feeling like this. I know how it is to feel like a nothing. That's exactly how I used to characterize the feeling of being with my ex. It's a deep kind of pain. I've read many of your posts and know how many people you have helped here. Your perspective is clear and it's obvious that you've really educated yourself about PDs and the damage they do. Do you have any idea why you're still feeling trapped? Do you know what it would take for you to feel free? There are many people here to whom you have offered help who would be happy to help you now if they can - myself included. Living like a shadow doesn't have to be the new normal.
Sep 25 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Thank you

for your kind words. I really don't know what to do. It may be a form of depression. The rape of the mind. I am middle aged. I am dealing with the reality that I am no longer young. I have little hope of ever finding a man that I can share my life with. I missed the train, so to say. I wasted 3 years with N & another 2 1/2 years in recovery. I only just moved into my own place a few months ago after staying with a friend for almost two years while all my possessions were in storage. It takes a long time for me to come out of this. The PTSD was terrible. So more than five years on this looser. And my N? Well, he's already been engaged & broken off. Seems to be in yet another serious relationship. He got the house. His nifty job. He was only financially enriched by me. He never thinks of me now. And he will never hoover me because I know too much. He knows I have been in contact with his first ex-wife & the woman who replaced me.
Sep 24 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
Elena
Elena's picture

Haunted

I understand, this shows, and I hope to everyone in this website, the kind of damage a narcissist can cause. More reasons to stay away. But for you - continue making steps forward, the more you move forward - the stronger you get, and the less powerful he is. Even if it's in "baby steps", every bit counts and makes a contribution to long term success and healing.
Sep 22 - 2PM
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes, I am haunted...I am addicted to my thoughts about him

I am 4 months NC, he has sought me out twice and that really fucked with my head..I am drained, crying alot, almost hopeless. I will stay NC for sure...because I choose to believe that TIME and strong NC will heal me...but this haunting- I realized in therapy last night that I have been strong enough to change my BEHAVIOR- no contact, no snooping...but the THOUGHTS are now my addiction. and these mental gymnastics are so so tiring..they actually make me dizzy. I now see that NC has to go even deeper- into the recesses of my mind. I have to stop talking about him to ALL friends except you here and my therapist... but how do I stop the obsessing? I do want to ask all of you- what do you do to stop the thoughts????
Sep 24 - 4AM (Reply to #21)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

I run!

I run, jog, exercise. I hike. I do something so hard that I can't breathe and all I can think about is me. I also try to think about the future. I think about going back to school, buying a new car, finding new friends. I go to a favorite restaurant. I turn up happy dance music really loud and get goofy with my kids. It's like distracting a little kid while babysitting. If I stop long enough I think of him and I'm upset. If I keep busy and push my thoughts outward and about what I want and like, it seems to help. Hope that helps! I still have my moments which last a long time. But ultimately, when I really calm myself and ask myself how I am, I know I'm ok and better off and that it will all work out. Miracles happen!
Sep 22 - 12PM
soloadventuregirl
soloadventuregirl's picture

Haunted via our child

I am haunted by my ex-narc. Our child, a 5 year old girl, has an extreme mood disorder. She has rages on a daily basis, is violent, hits us, throws things, says she hates us, tells us we hate her, tries to scratch her arms when in time out, and at the age of 3 said she wanted to kill herself. She has a diagnosed mood disorder. Medication helped for a while, but isn't working now. Taking her back to see her psychiatrist. Ex-narc says he wants to come with me to her psychiatrist. I told him I told her everytthing that happened between us and that I believe he is a narcissist. I don't want to go with him if it is only going to serve to be more manipulation of me by him going to her psychiatrist with me. He said he would admit to her doc that he has always been depressive and suicidal. However, he doesn't believe he is a narcissist and says he has asked his friends and coworkers if they think he is and they told him no. HELP! What do I do! I feel like my daughter is acting exactly like her to dad. Can a young child be a narcissist? Is that genetic? I feel like I am around a mini version of him when in her presence and it is totally draining. My older kids were not like this at all (different father). Is his wanting to "help" our daughter by attending her psychiatrist appt. W/me just another manipulation tactic? How do you deal with an ex-narc who says they want to help their mood/behavior disordered child when they wont even face the reality of their own disorder? I don't want to subject myself to abuse from my ex and my child too! I just want to help my child and prevent her from becoming a narc manipulator like her father. Any advice? Please...her appt. Is tomorrow. Do I drive separately? What if he tries to down play his problems to our daughters psychiatrist? What if he tries to turn the tables to make me look like the unbalanced one? He is a nurse practitioner and works with neurosurgeons so he can ride on his professional coat tails to try to discredit me. But I know what happened to me! I know it was abuse! I know he tries to confuse me to make me question my own thoughts when it ia really him just trying to manipulate me again. During NC, I felt great! Now that our child's behavior and mental state is an issue again it has been impossible to remain NC. He still tries to comfort me when our child rages and screams. His comfort is just him trying to use me again. It is sick, it is haunting to the core!
Sep 22 - 11AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I sometimes yell at her out

I sometimes yell at her out loud "stop haunting me", and she isn't even there! 14 years doesn't go away overnight. It is a reminder that I have work to do and more to learn and process. I can choose to focus on the haunting or choose to move forward and have a great day. I know now that I have to choose progress and release the past back to the past...expose the darkness to light...and let the narc go back to the universe and out of my consciousness! ds
Sep 24 - 4AM (Reply to #16)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

I just want to have and

I just want to have and exorcism!! There is so much I want to do, experience, and be and it's not going to be easy with a monkey on my back!! I wish him gone! And not only in the ghost sense, I want him to disappear in real life!! This hovering is so hard for me! Anyway, I will feel better in the morning. You said: 14 years doesn't go away overnight. Well, I want it to go away NOW. Maybe I'll set a date... tomorrow. Tomorrow the 24th (which is really today because I'm up too late), I will be done with this ghost of a man who haunts me daily. Be gone psycho sissy butthead person. I am free! Thanks ds
Sep 24 - 5AM (Reply to #17)
freaked
freaked's picture

i feel this same way Lilly.

i feel this same way Lilly. very frustrated and hurt. i am envying all these happy families who live around here...my stomach turns with this sadness that i will never experience this full bodied security all these women around here are enjoying. saw your PM too just now lillymarch. it is just another day here. filled with sadness , envy, and of course a hope. but the years that have been stripped away...who will give them back to us? and our children... how much they have suffered because of some stricken insanity of the dad - who had no regard for his own offspring. what i am understanding is we will only be able to bemoan and be sad and have some pretended moments of exhilaration...whereas these narc husbands only have the best evr times of their life because they got a blessing of non-emotional existence. i am just feeling so enraged because i got cheated and duped like this. and no way for me to inflict the exact same damage on him.
Sep 24 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Thanks for sharing that! So

Thanks for sharing that! So many times I've sat and thought of ways to 'inflict the exact same damage onto him.' I keep thinking of having sex with a male friend and flaunting it in his face! But, that is not me!!! I don't want to do stupid things just to hurt him. I don't want to 'be' with anyone. I know that when I begin to be happy being with just me, I will succeed in all things. God and me. Today I was fighting off depression. I was fighting off the hate in my heart. I am a beautiful person, I know that. I didn't deserve this. I also had moments of thankfulness and love for these children. I'm also excited for the future. Thank you Miss Freaked, for listening and understanding. I really appreciate it!
Sep 22 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Haunted

I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I actually used to yell out the EXACT SAME THING. It used to scare the crap out of my cats. ;) Mandy, this doesn't sound dramatic, it sounds accurate. This is what it felt like for me for a long time. In my case, I think my ex was an emblem for something deeper in me that needed to be healed. Once I turned the focus to that, Ex faded away.