I'm feeling quite pathetic, at the moment.

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Sep 21 - 6PM
foreverfun1
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i hear ya

i'm in the same damn boat. i feel so sad and lonely and even jealous of those who get hoovered. but it's just the addiction to him that's causing this withdrawal, and like you, i also know NC is the only way and for the best. but it hurts like hell. these fuckers have no heart that they could dismiss us so easily after all we've done for them. it hurts to be used and discarded like you were nothing when you gave your heart and soul to them
Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #15)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Sorry to hear that you're in

Sorry to hear that you're in so much pain right now. You are definitely not alone! Big Hugs xoxo
Sep 21 - 5PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

After the final D & D, I called him out on the carpet!

I ran into him after realizing what he was. I stated that he was a parasite, and a narcissist. He made a couple, weak attempts at hoovering, but, mostly, total silence. I think he knows that I know what he is. I certainly held nothing back the last time I ever saw him. I am grateful that he leaves me alone, and If he didn't I would report him to the police. I think a lot of people on here, are either in total cd, or minimize how dangerous these people are. Once I realized what I was dealing with, I took the steps seriously. NC, nc, nc. Period. Broke it with texting, a couple of times, and I could actually feel myself going backwards. Getting sucked back into the pathology of the pd. Love to all Jen
Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
tresor2
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Calling Them Out

During the course of 8 years, I called the ex N out a number of times but, in the beginning, I was very subtle about it because I was so confused over his weird behavior. As time passed, I realized he was a N and I told him so. He just layed there and asked me what that made me. I responded that I guessed I was a co-dependent. He stuffed his anger and stored it for future abuse. I also called him out by giving him books on AA, spirituality, and a number of other subjects in an effort to help him. Sometimes he would thank me and other times he would get mad, depending on the title of the book, LOL. Yes, I learned; I cannot fix a N and most certainly, I needed help for wanting him to stop his hurtful behavior and for letting the abuse go on. The last time I called him out I did it via text. He had just completed the cruelist of all D & D's and I could not contain myself. Actually, I did an excellent job. Everything that I held for years came out. I told him he was insignificant and worthless and that he was pure evil...the verbal bulimia went on for a while. I felt good for a minute afterwards but, I regret having wasted my energy. N's suck energy and they don't care if it's positive or negative, as long as it's about them. He is sadist and loved listening to me suffer. I think it turned him on. Just thinking about it makes me ill...he has absolutely no conscious, no empathy, no compassion and was never a friend at any level. His words said "I love you" and his actions said "F U." He was rich, famous, powerfull and evil...the worst of the worst. And the sad part is that I wish he would hoover so I can say no thanks but, I'm doing well, NC since April.
Sep 22 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Yes! We want them to hoover

Yes! We want them to hoover us just so we can reject THEM. This particular desire is VERRRY powerful in me right now, for sure. But, even though that would feel like a victory, it's really not. It's just lowering ourselves to their level, allowing their toxic influence to change us for the worse. That's allowing them to "win" by tarnishing our good and loving souls, by pulling us away from what we know, deep within us, to be right, by turning us into them. We can't succumb to that. I think I still love my narc, in the sense that I love a wounded and doomed animal. And i will never regret that I loved, because it's a beautiful thing to have the capacity to love, even if the object of that love can never appreciate or reciprocate it. I want to forgive him. I actually do pity him. That's all I can give him, and I know that I will get nothing back from him for it, but I want to do it anyway, because it is the ultimate gift to myself. I know I sound all Zen and wise right now and tomorrow I'll be back to raging and hating him, but I think if I can experience and record these moments of insight, however fleeting, it will help empower me and keep me on the path of being the good and decent person I want to be in this life, unaltered and undiminished by anything he has done or will do to me. I hope.
Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

tresor2

My God, I was reading your post and thought "I don't recall writing this" This sounds like I wrote this......eerie!
Sep 21 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Trulybroken

I know what you mean...we're definately not alone and many of our experiences are similar which is good to know. Sometimes I think it's just a matter of time before someone posts who was actually with my exN. Must happen on this blog quite often.
Sep 21 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
heritage
heritage's picture

Same Jen

I called him out on having NPD, PA and being a Sociopath. I never heard from him again. He knows I nailed him. He ended up doing to me exactly what he had done to ex wife and now on to 3rd woman and he will do the same to her. He has caused us both immeasurable pain and suffering and when I spoke to mny therapist today she said that is what he is all about. He wants to hurt you, cause you pain. He considers it a success. I have to stop focusing on the fake persona and remember the abuse, lies, manipualtion and D&D.
Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

I have a feeling I'll never

I have a feeling I'll never hear from him again because I ripped his mask off in the same way you did -- said he had NPD, is a predatory sociopath, etc. I really flayed him in that last letter. I know i sound like a basket case because, on the one hand I tore him to shreds and said I never wanted to hear from him again, and, on the other, I now miss him and can't believe he hasn't contacted me, lol. What a mindf**k.
Sep 22 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Mind f***k

Dear Dulcinea...Expect the Unexpected...it took 2 years for my ex N to contact me..but he did..if there is one that Never Ever i would dream about that would re contantact me was him...he changed his cell number,blocked me on Skype,Google Talk,etc...2 months ago he sent me 2 spoken Poems saying how his life was messed up...an apologie Email saying hev regreted the insults towards me...sent me a new email address in case i would want to Harass him...and when i didn't saent any emails after that(i went NC) he did send me an email saying he noticed i haven't send any emails to him lately...A nd believe me ,me too i have told him the truth about his nasty caracter and that he was a psychopaat,and a liar and a cheater...and after 2 years after that,he hoovered...and he is the WORST case of Narcissism,schizoid and psychopaat i ever saw...they are truly disturbed.I am even more confused,but thats why i say expect the unexpected...I am sorry ...Hughs

Aceonelady

Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #6)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

BIG congratulations on

BIG congratulations on calling him on his bullshit. That must have felt sooo good. :) Edited to say: rereading this comment, I now think that no amount of telling them off makes you feel good because you know it means nothing to them. But I hope, at least, it made you feel empowered in yourself.
Sep 21 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

You're right. They're

You're right. They're dangerous predators. All they will ever do to us is inflict suffering. I think I'm currently in the trap of doubting my own instincts. I keep wondering if maybe, somehow, I misunderstood everything and he's NOT a narc (even though he meets virtually every criterion of the pathology). Maybe I'm the one who effed up a good thing, etc. It's so disturbingly easy to feel this way because I was being lied to and kept in the dark so much at the end that I still don't understand what the hell just happened. It leaves that tiny but maddening door open for self-doubt. I imagine that's part of the reason why women get hoovered back in -- they hope they got it wrong about him, that he's not as sick as he appears, that he is, in fact, capable of changing for the better. But he's not.
Sep 21 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
lilliandiane
lilliandiane's picture

Translate your pain into physical terms

Would you be so confused if he had punched you or pushed you down the stairs? What they do is equally hurtful. Because inflicting pain or cruelty is not what normal people do when they want to leave someone. They cry; feel guilty; equivocate; tell you they are sorry and don't mean to hurt you. Ns don't do that! They leave in a way that is totally good for them and if you get hurt, your problem, sweeties. Think of no contact as him plotting the exact right moment to rattle your cage. They are so calculating, and if the relationship has been going on awhile, they know the precise moment to glance your way. Then they wait for you to salivate over the crumb they tossed you! They enjoy the power and the intrigue of it. THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP. You are better, stronger, smarter than this. Don't live your life waiting for his other shoe to drop.
Sep 22 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

Thanks, Lilliandiane. You're

Thanks, Lilliandiane. Your words are very empowering right now!
Sep 21 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Sunafterrain
Sunafterrain's picture

lily

You are the voice of reason! What an excellent question! "Would you be so confused if he had punched you or pushed you down the stairs?" THIS is why it's SO IMPERATIVE to understand that abuse is MORE than just physical, because as Sandra Brown says, "There are more ways to harm a loved one without beating or killing them". I totally agree here with Lily and everyone else about NC. They enjoy HURTING you and if he knew you were in pain over his silent treatment, he'd be OVERJOYED about it! I keep thinking about that and that's what keeps me NC. I REFUSE to allow him ANY access that says he can ENJOY harming me. He can't. And that is MY DECISION. Let him go use someone else as a poison container, you don't need this in your life