With a little help from my friends Story

25 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Sep 15 - 2PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

With a little help from my friends Story

I was involved with a N for a little over a year. From the stories I have read, I am so thankful that it did not go on longer. We met on the internet and I remember our first date. He was so attentive to every little things. We went and ate Mexican and he picked every seed out of the fresh Hot Peppers just so I would try them and they wouldn't be too hot. He bought us a 10 day cruise for Xmas, we tailgated for Football games. Like in the other stories, it was a worldwind romance. After two months of dating, we started sharing some of our previous relationship stories.(that is where the trouble began) I mistakinly told him that I use to have a friends with benefits, an ex that I use to see, but I cut things off within a week of us dating-meeting one another. AFter a few months of taking things slow (N probably getting rid of past girlfriends), He was always telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me and he wouldn't be dissappointed if I got pregnant. But there was just something not right. I knew it in my gut. He wanted to sell his house and pay off mine and I just didn't feel comfortable mixing finances after such a short time. I knew it probably 4 months in. I loved him as well, but he was always accusing me of continuing to talk to my ex and just extremely jealous of this situation. I told him I had cut off all contact with my ex. My ex did call once, just to see how things were going and I told him fine. But to wrap it up. Basically, he was just hateful, cruel to me that I would go see my ex after meeting him. Well we were not committed to one another after a lunch date, even if I did like him. He told me he was leaving to go on a 14 day trip to China within a couple of weeks(at our first date) and how was I to know that I would even hear from him again. Well there were numurous breakups, he didn't like me going out with my girlfriends dancing, so I quit going out to places that he wouldn't approve of. But then it was like he got enraged even if I was eating with a girlfriend and didn't answer the phone. He just couldn't stand it if I wasn't a phone call away. We spent 24/7 together after about the first 6 months, so there wasn't many times I wasn't with him. He stayed over at my place some times and he actually went through my things. Found an old letter I had written to my ex several years prior. He was livid. He is a police officer and I thought that maybe a lot of his possesiveness and jealousy was due to his job and his cheating relationships he had been in previously. I am not even sure any of the stuff he told me about in his previous relationships was even true, but after one of our last big breakups- we were broken up for a couple of weeks. His good friend, who is a girl, called me. We had become somewhat friends and she would complain about him sometimes. She told me that he went to China with an ex of his, which he had told me he went with a friend, which was male that he use to work with. She also told me that he was dating someone before he went on this China trip and that when he returned this other girl found his camera from the trip and saw some incriminating pictures from his trip. She broke up with him. So apparently taking it slow in the beginning was good for him as well as me ( I hadn't dated in years, except for occasionally seeing my ex). He also apparently went to dinner with this girl a few months after we had been dating at a function he was working and she brought her kids. This is all per his friend. She told me, "he is just not a good person". So all the hell I went throught about my ex and being honest about where things were when we met and here he was lying and not being honest. Of course I could not let him know who told me this, but I confronted him about it, told him a little birdie on FB told me. He claimed that he didn't mention the China trip due to we had just met and it would have been too much to explain and that the other girl and he were really not seeing each other all that regular. So he said all the things I wanted to hear and we got back together. I am 3 weeks nc and it is killing me. I caught him red handed three weeks ago and I saw a side of him I have never seen. He never apologized he didn't call - i had his phone cut off later that day. I am sure he and the OW spent the day on the Lake together, but I hope some of what she saw and me catching him, will make her think. I didn't go crazy, I talked calmly to her. I asked her who she was and how she met him and I knew it wasn't her fault, she claimed he had been lying to both of us, she had only known him a week. He basically, just got up out of bed, scratched his balls and went to the bathroom. I told her that he told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to have all of his passwords and be an open book, yeah right. I also told her that he told me he was so torn up about a previous realtionship where he had led a double life(engaged to one women and dating another for a few months)and he was so torn up about it, he said he had to come clean with both women. He was so sick about it, that he would never do that again. He said he didn't associate with men that are like that, he just didn't want to even be thought of that way. What a bunch of crap.

I do believe he is definitely a N. His job constantly inflates his ego. His mother got pregnant with him when she was in her mid 40s. With a man that was married and had kids, who would never accept the N or have anything to do with them. He is 39 and both his parents have been deceased for some time. He only has an elderly Aunt and Uncle and a few cousins. So I always felt bad for him. Like I could help or fix him. The last week we were together he was enraged with me and he beat on the dash of his truck and asked me why I wasted his time and why I didn't just let him go months ago if I wasn't going to love him as much as he loved me. I never seemed to be able to do enough. I had moved in with him 6 weeks pior and although our lives had gotten extremely busy, I always felt I loved him and he loved me. We went to church together and I truly thought he was a good person. It is so sad .

I went to his Lake house to bring him breakfast on a MOnday, which is completely out of character for me to call in sick and do something like that, but I did. I had felt so bad that he thought I wasn't caring that I wanted to help him with his boat, cut grass, etc. He had a place in town and a place at the lake. When I got there, that is when I found what I did. I haven't spoken to him since. I said what I said to the girl, said some things to him. He was so cold, basically just looked at me like why don't you just shut up as he closed the door, I told him to go f** himself and that was the last words we spoke.

He sent me an email a week and a day later telling me how sorry he was. He then sent an email a couple days after that asking if I wanted to talk or would I rather not? I haven't responded to either. Now he has called up to my work after we transferred his accounts to another office, which he had before we dated, and wants to switch them back, claiming he will work with someone else in the office. He likes our office and he is not upset with me, but that I am upset with him. Office manager said he sounded like he was having a hard time and felt uncomfortable. Good thing I have known these people for over twenty years and they aren't having it. He will just have to find another office. Why would he want to even to have contact after what he did?

And why can't I shake the sadness? I shouldn't even care. He made his choice and there is no going back. I sometimes feel like maybe I should talk to him and have a closure, because no matter what he says it won't change anything, but who does that help, him or me?

Sep 27 - 12AM
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

when it comes right down to

when it comes right down to it...fuck them all. let them burn in hell. they wreak so much havoc and we really deserve the people that honestly love us the most. i say this but its still hard for me too. we will be ok. one thing i hold strong to is karma. life will get them back one way or another. all of you women, including me, deserve the world and nothing less.
Sep 27 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amen Sista

It is still very hard. After all that I know about how he has lied and cheated and I still miss him. Probably a lot I am not even aware of. Baffles my own mind. Not sure why it is so hard to shake. I definitely try to keep the same mind frame as you and it does get a little easier, but I almost feel like a crazy person myself for continuing to think about a relationship that I know I cannot go back to and wouldn't want to. I believe Karma is a bitch and I am sure it will catch up to him someday if it hasn't already.
Sep 25 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

UGH!

Hark,Hark, welcome to the world of another Narc! First, Cop spells Narc! ( 90% of the time) You feel bad because you were lead to believe he loved you! Now the truth is revieled. What can I say , he's a piece a shit! Stay here and learn with us! NC is your only option, your story is similar here! You can get better but you must stick to the rules, in fact there is only one! NO Contact! My three words " Delete,Delete,Delete! Hunter
Sep 26 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Definitely a piece of S**t

Thank you hunter!! He is a piece of shit. And I did break the NC (my bad). I had a closure conversation with him on Friday,(on the phone) but all and all I think it was a good thing for me. I don't think I will hear from him anymore, as in our conversation I made it very clear that we were broken and he even said, "we can't fix this can we?" Duh, No. He cried and said he was so very sorry and we reminisced about our good times and things we were missing about each other. It made me very sad,but he also tried to turn things around to put fault and blame on me. He text me called me obessessively all day Friday and just completely drove me crazy. Made demands as if he had any right to and I guess that helped me realize, not that I didn't already know, what a deranged backwards way of thinking he has. So I guess I got my closure and through my faith, some wonderful friends and this site, I hope that I will be able to put this behind me and learn from it. Yes, and I would have to highly agree after my experience that Cop does spell Narc, big time!!! I just wonder at this point how many times he did cheat? I am a very trusting person and I never did check on his extra jobs,as you know they can work many. After seeing what he was capable of, it just makes me wonder??
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

im sending you the biggest

im sending you the biggest most embracing hug ever. i just cried...again..because ive been there done that. he keeps texting "let me fix this". yeah, right, man, you couldnt fix an untied shoe at this point. youre going to be ok. im going to be ok. life goes on without them. but, honestly, there really is no closure. mine told me tonight"im so serious, im saving for that ring you always wanted." i should have said but didnt, "as long as that ring fits your fat ass because i dont want it."' the NC thing is hard. i cant stand this man, but i feel so bad speaking whats really in my heart at this point. I DO NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL. hes a sad existence for a man.
Sep 27 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank bedrtimes

Thanks for the hug, I needed it. It is so hard when you have such a kind heart not to try and help someone that is crying out to you. I think that is what I struggle with and we all do. It is hard to comprehend that someone doesn't feel or think rationally. And after my contact with him on Friday, it openned my eyes to how akward his thinking is. It was almost immediately that he wanted to know if we had a chance, hello I was only wanting closure!! It was like some middle school check yes or no thing, so even though I still am sorting through my own feelings, it did reassure me that he just isn't right with his thinking.
Sep 26 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

It's to late to worry about

It's to late to worry about all his dirty little secrets!! I have no idea what the he'll my asshat did or does!! Does it matter? No! They are Fucked Up Big time! Yours is really Fucked up. When you know better you do better! In this case closure won't be an option! NC and move forward, he will never change. It's no your problem,either. Hunter
Sep 26 - 9AM (Reply to #19)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

No Worries

That is what I am working towards, no worries. I am getting there, but it is a process. Just trying to take care of me right now and do things that make me smile and surrouding myself with people that are encouraging. I just keep telling myself, he is not my problem!!! I do still miss him, hell if I know why, but I know that will fade with time. I am reading the book boundaries right now, as I think that might help me if and when I ever do get involved with anyone again. I am trying to work on what it is within myself that kept me going back to this crap. What was I thinking? There were so many Red Flags from the very beginning.
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #20)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

you are the most beautiful

you are the most beautiful person you know. its hard. its hard for me. keep looking back at what he did to you. ive done that over and over and im at the point where i dont care what or who he does because my existence will not be miserable the rest of my life. it will...and i promise...get easier. it does take a while though.
Sep 19 - 12PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Don't talk to him!

I don't know if that's my vengeful side but I love that he's squirming! What a total jerk!! Look at all the woman he's doing this to!! This infuriates me. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are doing the right thing!!! DONT TALK TO HIM. You sound like an amazing person, treat yourself like one. Do this for yourself. Love you! This jerk is disgusting and I'm bummed that he got his hands on you. You are so strong and correct in running clear. I love that you switched his accounts. What an asshole. Sorry, this brings up a lot for me. I'll be praying for you! I know this is hard. The pain is horrendous. You can get through this. Every day will get you closer to healing. The right man will be there, or better yet, you will be there, amazing and beautiful and strong. You will get through this. Chin up
Sep 19 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't Talk to him

Thank you!! Every time I feel a little week I read the NC being the best revenge and it makes me feel a little better. Not that I am a vengeful person, but after what I have been through, I figure not only is it good for me to stay NC, but maybe in some small way it makes him think about what he did, even if it is only for a little while. Yes, please keep me in your prayers, I know they help :)
Sep 15 - 3PM
needing2know
needing2know's picture

It doesn't matter how much

It doesn't matter how much you do, or change for these guys, nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, I was with my ex for 7 years and many here longer with theirs. I am 7 weeks NC and I still cry, i only seen him maybe 3 or 4 days a week if I was lucky, most of the time maybe 3, I wasn't with him all the time, he came and went as he pleased, he doesn't have another woman this I do know, he just told be he had to flush 7 years of his life down the toilet and when i asked him why he just said Because I have to. You will not get closer, they won't give it to you. He cheated on you, that should be enough, I wish mine would have cheated , because he knows if he did, I would have walk away from him like he never existed , like he did to me. But I will never know why he ended it and I think that's why it is so hard. But I cry , get mad and want to contact him, but instead , when I get weak I come here and I talk to all these wonderful people who actually know how i feel and why I am feeling the way I am, they have saved my ass so many times. I love it here, i don't know how I would be dealing with all this without them and their support. They all tell you NC and they are right! He will not give you closer, so please leave him alone, it will hurt you more to keep going after him.
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you! I did walk away

Thank you! I did walk away that day and I have had no contact since. He has sent me two messages on FB and I have not responded. Because I had his phone disconnected, I am not suppose to know his new number, but he did call a good friend of mine and did not block his # the 1st time he called, called right back blocked the # & left a message trying to justify himself. So I do have the number, but I won't call it. He also made sure to leave his number when he called my office, told the office manager I didn't have the #, but didn't say not to give it to me. LOL I won't call it. I just keep thinking this isn't the last I have heard from him and I am sad about it, I wouldn't let him know that. I just really did love him so much, I can't believe how cruel and heartless he was at the end. I guess my closure is his email apologizing. I guess I just wonder if I did have a last conversation with him and was stern about him not bothering me anymore if he would go away? If I would get my closure? I think the cheating almost did make it easier, because at least I do have that to hold on to for my reason to stay strong, even if I do feel weak. I am sure your situation must be very hard. I can't imagine not having some closure.
Sep 15 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

When my first ex husband

When my first ex husband cheated on me I walked away , had nothing to say, I had closer because I KNEW why it ended, he always contacted me , said he was sorry , said he wouldn't do it again, but he broke his wedding vows and I was done! I wasn't married to my current ex nor did I live with him, But it is harder because I don't have closer and I Know I never will, this isn't he first time he threw me away like a bag of trash, but it is the last, he may have not been diagnosed with Narc. or BPD but he has ALL the traits and everything that falls in line with it, I have never been in this type of a relationship, never let someone run my life like he did, I was blind sided and now I am paying for it. But I stay close to this forum and it has been so good for me. just don't listen to the lies he will tell you, because they are just that ,Lies! Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.
Sep 16 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes, I think that is what

Yes, I think that is what makes it so sad. I keep telling myself, I know he is a very sick person. But why would he throw us away like a bag of trash? Why would he be so cold as not to even apologize that day? After so much time together and all the loving things he always said. How he loved me with all his heart, how he would give me the parachute if there was only one? How could he wait a week to apologize? I know it is closure, but it just hurts. No matter how much I know that it wasn't me, it was him, it still hurts. I still miss him and I wish I didn't.. It is getting better each day, but it still takes my breath away when I really start thinking about it and not in a good way.
Sep 18 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Dema
Dema's picture

He's Broken

My N s one of the rare ones who I think really would like to be a real boy - you know like Pinocchio. But he can't. 18 years and I know he can't. But if he hadn't escalated and I hadn't needed a protective order - I don't know how I could have walked away. They are broken - they don't feel what the profess to feel. Some of them want to - but they just don't. They are actors. Pretenders. They try to fill the broken part. Mine wanted to not be broken - but he couldn't. I don't think yours even wants to. Most of them don't. They are considered impossible to help. Most don't think they need help. Mine did want help - but it is missing. The part you want - it isn't there. They pretend it's there because they know it should be - but it isn't. He can't love you. He can't be there for you. He can't be faithful. He can't be close. He can only pretend. He is the ultimate tin man. And a clock in an empty chest just isn't what you want.
Sep 19 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you!! That makes sense..

I do think that mine was trying and I think like you say he is broken and he just couldn't, not matter how hard he/we tried to make him whole. I guess that is what makes it so hard for me and sad. We went to church, he went to a crazy doctor, as he would call it, took crazy pills as he would called them (anti depressant). Maybe he just wants someone to be his everything and it is not realistic to think that someone can live soley for another person and I think that is exactly what he needed/wanted. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to make him happy and spend 24/7 with him, it was never enough. He obsessed about always talking about our relationship and nothing else. He was constantly looking at my FB photos when we weren't together. I know this because he would just say things about my page and I wouldn't even remember that they were there. I asked him and admitted he was constantly in there looking. Let a male make a comment on my page and I got the third degree, it was just crazy. I stopped even going on FB because is caused too many problems. But yet he was one of those that had tons of friends, girls and guys and I was a very trusting person. Go figure. But I like you analogy of the Tin Man. I pray everyday that this will sink into my heart, my head alreayd knows it :) I am getting better. This site and reading other peoples stories and comments helps me a lot.
Sep 19 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Dema
Dema's picture

Pinocchio

Part of him just isn't there. And you can't put it there. I think that you and I are in a different situation than so many people who are victims of Narcissitic Psychopaths. We know how pathetic it is to see him looking for his heart. Trying to find his heart. The Tin Man is a lovable and pathetic character. Not really a person - how can you be a person without a heart? But he wants one so much. N wants to be a real boy and not a wooden puppet like Pinocchio. But you don't have a magic wand and you cannot fix him. I keep telling myself that. I cannot make a heart and put it into him. I cannot take his artificial parts and make them real and whole. Can't do it. All my love and desire is no more effective on him than on a child's toy. But the toy won't get angry and rage at me. The toy won't keep me from living my life. The toy won't turn me into a rubber-kneed wreck. It is sooo hard to leave this poor pathetic creature - maybe it is like the piece of Valdemore under the bus station seat in Harry Potter. Do you remember that? Sooooo pathetic and sad. But dangerous. Toxic. Hurtful. So sad. But remember - toxic. Toxic, toxic, toxic.
Sep 19 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
How could I
How could I's picture

Such true words Dema

Many times my N would say things like - I have always had a problem with relationships; looking at my past track record; you're right, you shouldn't trust me; I can't be what you need; etc. etc. I should have read the writing on the wall. I once asked him if my love was enough for him to not look for another. He assured me that it was and that my love had made him a different person. Well, now I want to know - different from what? From a jerk to a total creep? Guess you had it right - they have NO HEART!!!! And I only now have one that is broken! I feel pitty for him if he truly can't help what he is, but it still doesn't take the pain away.
Sep 19 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Toxic

I keep reminding myself of that, Toxic!!! When I go back on my calendar, we probably fought on average once every 3 or 4 weeks. Over his insecurities and just stuff he would create in his mind to get upset about. So why would I want to put myself through that? I guess I must miss all of the drama... There were good times in between, but whew, it was exhausting. I was trying to fix him and he cannot be fixed. My heart needs to catch up with what my mind already knows. Funny you say that about the previous relationships. My N once told me when I was trying to break it off with him one time, as he was crying and begging me to please give it another try that "He knew he was the problem, that he was so sorry, that he had had these problems in his previous relationships and it wasn't just me, it would be any relationship he would get into." So he begged me to try, begged me to stand by him through counseling and he would work on himself. After all that and I end up with the broken heart. I want to think he fells something, but from what I read, I doubt it. I am remaining NC 4 weeks. I never realized that he was a N until a good friend of mine told me to look Narcissism up on the internet. She knew, my friends and family knew it, but love is blind and I wanted to think he could be fixed.
Sep 26 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

i wanted tho think he could

i wanted tho think he could be fixed also. i told him yesterday i hate you and your lies. you lie way too much for my taste and he said ok lets end it so i said ok liar. he left me alone alll the way til tonight. he called up drunk and left a message...are we done baby? wtf!!!!!???? didnt he just say yesterday lets end it. psycho person.heartless person. needs to hurt someone to feel good. i really really hate him. i was too busy today to deal with his shit. screw him and his poor me bullshit.
Sep 24 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

yes!!!!! definitely

yes!!!!! definitely toxic!!!!!!! they dont feel. they dont even understand the wordd that come out of their mouths. ive had mine cry and promise things over and over. forget it. it took me four years to harden my heart toward him. just two days go i called him out on several more lies. supposedly hes not calling anymore. keep your fingers crossed. i have better things to do with my time than waste emotion on him. no one i know likes him. the only people that can stand him are his family. for a long time ive been told to dump his ass because hes no good. my 10 year old has lectured me about him. you know its time to quit when your children can see the light better than you can.
Sep 26 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
With a little h... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I too had many people tell me to dump him

So many Red Flags from the very beginning. Not sure why I didn't listen, guess we think we know the person better. But I guess sometimes when so many people are telling you the same thing, you have to wake up and listen. My daughter, family and friends only accepted him because of me. My Mother gave me very good advice from the very beginning and I should have listened. She asked me to sit and think about the close friends and family that I valued their opinions of and if I were to call and ask them about him, what would they tell me? Well I knew the answer before I would even make the calls, so why didn't I take the advice? Just dumb, I guess. Next time I won't let myself get so drawn in. Lesson learned. Red Flags in the beginning aren't good. We don't need to be fixing anyone. We need someone who enhances our lives, not makes it harder.
Sep 27 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
bedrtimes
bedrtimes's picture

too many people nd too many

too many people nd too many red flags. i know. ive done that too. my 10 year old hates him so much she says "mommy why are you still talking to him ?" then she says "mommy can i say the "a" word?" i told her go ahead speak whats in your heart." she said "mommy, j-----'s such an asshole. he treats you bad and it makes me angry." god bless my child. come on ladies lets pull ourselves together. who the hell needs to be treated like this? they re nothing but a lifetime of lies and heartache.