Lillianddiane's Story

My story is a bit different since I have been in love with a married man for the past 7 years. And after reading the profile of the narcissist in Lisa's book, I can remember the very first moment "the pattern" began with him. We had been seeing each other about 2 months and getting closer. He was all excited that his wife and kids were going out of town for a wedding and he would have the whole weekend with me. I was buying groceries and getting excited, too. When the Sat. came he was hours late and when he came over, he said that their plans had changed and they were't going AND he only had a few minutes to come by and tell me this. But what struck me was that HE didn't seem upset or disappointed at all, even though I was devastated. I can still seem him walking almost jauntily down the street. It was like he enjoyed the fact that he had an out AND that he could watch me be upset.
Of course, I convinced myself that wasn't so, but I have never forgotten that picture. For the next 7 years it was intense closeness, followed by a pulling away, trouble with his kids which seem like an excuse, followed by a new woman appearing on the scene, followed by his standard refrain of "My hands are tied right now" excuse of why he couldn't leave the marriage and be with me. Ostensibly, he couldn't leave his son, who was 13 when we met. Even though he never slept with his wife, he still went on vacation with her, the kids, his parents, sister and family and her brother and family. At first, I tried to understand because his son was always in trouble and he was afraid he might be lost if he had to deal with a divorce. I had 2 sons who lived with me (I only saw Mikey on weekends when they were with their Dad). Then in 2008 my older son died in a car accident. I was so destroyed and I needed him so badly. Yet his son was still more important and he couldn't risk leaving and upsetting him. I begged him noy yo go on vacation with them anymore--to start the process of leaving. He promised he wouldn't, but he has every year. Then his son turnned 18. And now he is 20. My younger son is in college, and I survived the worst years of my life. After his latest beach trip we broke up and it was 2 months before we had an intense 4 day reunion. I have already made plans to move 10 hours away,and no matter those 4 days, I hadn't changed my mind. After the 4 days, he started to pull away; Derek(his son) was caught stealing again and then I overheard a phone call where a woman called him and told him she had had him on her mind...He told me I was over-reacting, but couldn't I postpone my plans til 6:30 so he could come over. I flipped out. He eventually came over and told me that even though Derek was getting to the place where he could handle his leaving his Mom, Mike still had to stay with her 2 more years to get the bills paid off. No sorrow, no angst, no awareness what a devastating bomb he was unloading on me. He has told me before that Derek means more to him than I do--he was special. I told him he could keep his thieving son who doesn't work or do anything whatever. "I'm sorry, my hands are tied." Lisa's book put it all together for me. How he could appear so casual about expecting me to wait for years--even after I lost a child and knew how easily people could be taken from you. It has been all about him. He lacks any kind of empathy. But at least I know now that it is not me not being good enough, pretty enough, slim enough. It wouldn't matter if I was drop dead gorgeous, it would still be more about hurting me and keeping me dangling because that is what matters to him.
I just couldn't get it before, but I do now.