it.was.all.about.her.'s story

Firstly, I'd like to say I'm not typically a rainbow flag kinda woman, but in this case it's a time saver. In fact, I've dated more men than women, but I fell for another woman. This is my story.

I'll make it as short as I can. A very attractive and charming woman at work who is significantly younger than me and obviously a lesbian honed in on me, in a big way. I've dated women before, but more men than women and it had been a long time since I had any interest in a woman. And of course, women get close to each other and they do it quickly, so she set off fewer alarms. Had she been a man so much younger and more attractive than me, I'd be watching my wallet and keeping him away from my knives.

So, this all just added to my confusion. I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'm so fantastic that vastly more attractive and younger women would naturally want me. But I did believe I lucked out and was chosen to help her work through her issues with older women. And I was more than happy to do that in my bed. And I was egotistical enough to believe that there was something about ME that was special, because I know didn't want me for my body. She's beautiful. To men and to women. She has her pick of most of them, though I can't imagine her with a man.

The attention and attraction was overwhelming and intense, and not entirely sane. I knew that, but I still loved it. It makes me cry to think of how good it felt. She did what they do. She figured out what I wanted and became it. She figured out who I wanted to be and she praised me for it, endlessly and then she threw me away in the cruelest of ways. She did exactly what I told her would hurt me. Everything was a game of win or lose and now I see it was all about manipulating me. For sport, it seems.

The amazing thing about how devastating this has been is that I WAS the other woman. She had a more than attractive, age-appropriate girlfriend. I never expected this to work. Yet still, I could never have imagined how painful this would be. I feel terrible for people who think they've found "the one", who have lives and children and are then discarded. It was only 6 months for me and it nearly did me in.

I was in a good place when I met her. Strong, confident, good at my job, successful, not at all needy. And somehow I ended up sobbing and chasing after an idea. You know how it happens. None of my friends could even recognize me.

I look back on my communications with her and I really couldn't have done any better. At least I have the benefit of knowing that. I was so rational. So Kind. In the end, all I asked for her friendship and to know I was just "a little special." In return, she introduced me to my replacement and then proceeded to act as if I were stalking her. I couldn't believe it. Three days earlier she had been kissing me and telling me how special I was. It was a somewhat public punishment. And just subtle enough to make me look crazy if I talked about it. Luckily, some close friends at work witnessed the whole thing.

I think I was invited to compete with the OTHER other woman, who is literally young enough to be my daughter. The N kept poking at me, even though I thought it was an obvious curtain call, but she would have been happy had I stuck around for more abuse. I couldn't imagine anything more humiliating than to respond to these Jr. High School games. Games that had to be explained to me, because I was never like that. Never.

It's been difficult, but I walked away. I think about her every day. I miss who I fell in love with every day. And I just never tell her. I still cry all the time.

I'm in my mid 40s. I've been broken so many times in so many ways. This is different. This is sinister. This was cruel. The cruelty is what hurts the most, and the knowledge that I so massively misjudged the situation. I've never cried so much in my life. And over someone I knew wasn't nearly as interested in me as she should have been. She was an idea. A cruel illusion. Everything I didn't know I wanted. She left a hole in me that I have to assume was already there. And God, that hurts.