I'm Going Down

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Last post
September 12, 2011 - 11:15pm (Reply to #3)
MovingForward's picture

I have been exactly where you are

I did it, I went back after the great performance of words and sex. The reunion lasted 18 months. Sounds worth it, huh? I did not know she was an N at the time or anything about the disorder. The whole time we were back together I spent wondering why she came back. Oh, we had fun (spending money) but I never felt any love again. Always wondering if she was cheating again. The lies continued and there was no trust. Always On edge, fearful of the next D&D. I was the only supply available, hence she came back. I know how you are feeling right now. The relief of ending the pain, even for a short time, feels so good. I will tell you, i have never felt more alone during that time. I knew she didnt love me. I lived in fear of her leaving daily. I was just there until something better came along, and it did. The first D&D was painful. The second D&D almost killed me, emotionally and physically. (literally) She was not physical but my health declined rapidly due to the stress and covert abuse. Please think twice. I wish I had never given her that control over me again. She knew she had the upper hand as yours does now, too. It was so much worse the 2nd time around. When new supply comes along, he will be gone. I loved and still love my N too, with all my heart but I know, she does not love me and that will never change. I know I have to accept that if I ever want to live again. Good luck to you, please pray about this and God Bless. I will be praying for you and that God will guide you.