Clare12's Story

I find this story so hard to write. It's all been so confusing at times. I have been "kind of" involved with this man for ten yrs. The first two were totally an emotional affair. Two years into this we became intimate. Unbelievably Awesome. Yes, I was the OW. I found it hard to believe at the time that I was being so selfish but have dealt with the guilt of that, which just about put me under. Swore I would Never be where I wasn't suppose to be again. His wife died of cancer four yrs into this ‘on again off again’ thing with him, Leaving him with two little boys. I realize now that while he ran straight to me for the sexual healing but would not let me help him with anything else was the Madonna/Vamp complex. It was horrible. Within 2 months he had replaced her with this other woman. I had come out of a 15 yr abusive marriage (Yes, narcissistic) I think while I wanted to help him, I have to admit I wasn’t totally against someone else doing his laundry. Of course, he would come and go, in and out of my life. I let him. There wasn’t any getting past that fact, one he continually threw in my face. Six years into this, he was convicted of drug trafficking and tax evasion (way in his past of course). I spent quite a bit of time with him before he left. Our closure is what we called it. I did hear from him periodically while he was away but was well into healing from this crazy adventure. Blinders had fallen away!! He had become engaged to this other woman while away, I wished them the best. I did hear from him months before he was coming out but after testing the waters I think he figured out that I was over him. Especially since he was engaged! I learned my lesson. I would not be “the other woman”.
In year Nine, my 84 yr old father (which was a great man, but I do believe also a narcissist), was killed in a tractor accident & I received full custody of my 83 yr old Mother who was 11 yrs into Alz’s. My exN contacted me to express his condolences. Began calling me to check on me .He Assisted me with some help in farm matters by phone contact only, for three months. He was still engaged to this other woman, who had taken his last name for her and her kids while he was away. He moved out of her house & was questioning now, if he was over me. Might I be the one for him? I needed Mr. Wonderful to pop in my life right now, It just might be him. He needed to see me. I was questioning it too. I agreed. I had not seen this man in three years, but it was as if no time had passed. Instant ‘safe spot’ again. Until he started telling me he couldn’t do two women any longer, he was going to have to let me go again!?!? I hadn’t realized he was still engaged!! Just had moved out of her house to figure things out. I was pretty enraged. He moved back in with her. A few months later, he moved back out, told me that they were done, it was mutual. He was ready to give “us” a chance, to see what was really there. I believed him. I was in perfect position. I worked and then went home where I was sole caregiver for my mother. I was pretty much confined to my home at night. He came in as Mr. Wonderful for about two weeks, then things began to get strange again. He started demeaning me all of a sudden. Sex became “not good”, I had no idea who this man was. Oh and then, he was confused again. Her kids were breaking his heart, wanting him to come home. ?? I began catching him in lies , actually just say one thing one day, total opposite the next. My mother became very sick during this time, she was dying. I couldn’t deal with him. Told him I wanted nothing to do with his circus act and to just marry her!! I was a mess and not nice to him in any form about it. My mother passed within a month. This was two months ago. Since then he has been back once to console me while still trying to figure out if he wants to marry this other woman. My defenses were just down, I let him console me. Funny thing was I figured out I was consoling him, he seemed to have zero apathy for my situation. He came to tell me that he couldn’t see me anymore about a month ago, I wasn’t as understanding about his happiness. He made my skin crawl, I called him out on everything and I told him to please just forget that I even exist!! I accepted No responsibility for this year, he’d done it all!!! I let him walk out my door as the bad guy.
My friends from work set me up on a blind date. The guy is very nice, no sparks tho, but I know I need to get back “out there”. A week later I start getting text from the N, he’s not bad, he’s just messed up, not sure what he wants. Can’t stand the thot of me thinking he is bad. It was at that point that I realized he wasn’t going to just go away, not til he was ready, so I let him come and make his amends, again. I told him of the guy I had met and that I was really interested in this guy. That I needed him to leave me alone. This sent him into overtime on the charm, even showing jealousy but wanting me to be happy. I tried to be friends, help him with his ‘issues’. I tried to explain to him that he had me in a ‘box’ and I didn’t know what the block was exactly but I didn’t think he’d ever let me out of it. I ran across something on narcissism and began researching it. Wow, it was just so him. What little I’d seen, I’ve never lived with this man so I have no idea what he has put those women through. Just Wow. I confronted him on this and gave him some info. He told me I might be onto something. Hilariously, it scared him. He could see some traits but not all. The part that scared him the most was all the “Run” advice to victims of narcissists. He was open for a few days, came on extremely sweet for two days., I remained calm and extremely sweet myself through this, knowing he was about to Run himself. He did. I don’t know what to expect next. I think he will probably leave me alone, maybe permanently. I’m relieved and sad at the same time. I know and have known that this wasn’t real, but I loved my illusion. I’m glad I found this site and hopefully we can all heal quickly and get on with our lives!! I've done it once...don't want to ever go through this again! God Bless!!