Brinamarie's Story

Just writing this for the therapeutic effect of sharing with others, although everyone's stories I have read is like reading my own, except probably better written ;) here goes:

I am 25 and 2 months out of a 5 year relationship w/ a (i believe) somatic Narc.

He is 26, very attractive, and ADOPTED. His adoptive mother dotes on him, all the while telling him what a pain in the ass he is. Always struck me as a weird relationship. She is obsessed w/ him but complains about him & his ungratefulness all the time, but bottom line is: he was the gift she couldn't create herself & he was the king of that household. Looking back, she made 2 statements to me when we first started dating that now make so much sense. She said, in front of him, "you'll never be satisfied with him, he is too selfish" and "if he loves ya, he'll NEVER leave ya." hmmm...Contradicting yet SO pathetically true bc your beloved son is a sociopath!

Anyway, we met when i was in nursing school & he was in his senior year of college. It was fun, exciting & the sex was amazing!!!! (i know i need to stop focusing on that). He was all about me, blah blah blah, like they all are. After a year of "taking things slow, getting to know each other" we made our relationship official and downhill it went. We all have the same stories so Im going to outline some things that stick out for me:

-He was BEYOND cheap. Buying me an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts was a burden for him. Yet he bought himself, a new car, a house, a new xbox & new clothes (esp. when he was talking to a new girl.. had to look good!!)

-Weekends were for "my friends" and "you go be with your friends".. and MAYBE we'll meet up if we're both out.

-His phone holds CIA secrets and I must NEVER touch it or go near it. And if i do, i will find texts from multiple other girls, picture messages from other girls, and outgoing calls to other girls. I learned the sneakiest ways to get to that phone whenever possible. Sometimes i'd feel better after, others I would hate myself.

-He talks to his adoptive mother as if her only purpose on this earth is to serve him and give him money. And he talked to me the same way.

-When he was sick, I must dote on him and rub his back.. for the whole 24 hours he is vulnerable. WHen i am sick, I am an inconvenice and too contagious to be near, LET ALONE held.

-He has no conversation skills. Him talking consisted of him making fun of his friends, making sarcastic comments, or quoting comedy movies.

-He couldn't hide his depression. OUr saturdays & sundays would consist of laying around in his bed, eating, having sex.. Then i was to go home so he could go out with his friends. Nothing ever productive like running errands & enjoying each others company.

-The sex that started off amazing, eventually turned into me be treated as a whore whose job is to service him. My pleasure was no longer accounted for. Then we went weeks without having sex at all. TO which he told me on numerous occasions any of these given lines: "I dont want to have sex w/ you. I am not attracted to you. You and your size A boobs. I'm bored."
He stopped initiating sex intimately as we lay in bed. But rather, would touch me at 2am on a week night when I slept over, let himself inside and have sex w/ me. I used to think "oh wow, he woke up out of a dead sleep because he just wanted me so bad!" (sooo stupid) and eventually I realized i was not only being used, but also raped. He would laugh that off and say "no you raped me!"

One time when I was going down on him, I had to stop because he pushed my head down so hard and I gagged and he said "Why are you stopped?! DO you want me to cum or not!" I said, umm actually I don't really care if you do, don't treat me like that and left. Wow good for me putting my foot down... Only to just be replaced by some other whores.

I've become an angry, miserable, depressed person. My friends & family are sick of hearing about him & our on again off again drama. I've seen 2 therapists in 2 years, they are both great.. but I wish I could find someone who's dealt with a Narc so they would truly understand. I've really hit rock bottom. It got so bad I've been suicidal.. I like knowing that I have a way out if I ever really need it. He cheated on me with SO many girls, and made me look so stupid to them and his friends who knew. I am ashamed, insecure and bitter. And i am 25. The sad part is, my MOTHER is a complete Narcissist as well... Which is probably why I was not weirded out at first by his behavior. I imagine any normal person would have ran for the hills, but not me! Treat me like shit, that's what I'm used to, so I will stay. We are not NC.. yet. We communicate by phone or text. FOr the past 2 months, as he's been trying to "get me back" i've been telling him how disgusting his behavior is to me, and how he is a narcissist (but in a much more angry vulgar way). I know I should be mature, but honestly it feels good. He just takes it and asks to see me. As if me being a complete bitch is a turn on for him. I told him he holds no leverage over me anymore and I wish he would just find his next victim.

And honestly, I mean it. I've been reading people's posts about missing the narc, but I am at the point where I say go make someone else's life HELL!!! That to me IS closure. When a guy moves on and doesn't give you a choice anymore, you have to move on. It's the limbo, of him talking to other girls when we break up then coming back to me that I can't take. It's made me DESPISE him.

I worry about myself & my future. WIll i EVER be happy with someone else? I've become superficial like him, but also not as attractive myself bc of the physical toll this emotional abuse has taken on me. I dont know who i am anymore. Will I ever trust a guy again?? I want marriage & babies, but I am now so bitter. IF a guy gives me a compliment i think "yeah okay buddy, im sure you say that to every girl". I've developed social anxiety & have trouble making eye contact with guys now. I am SO insecure & down on myself..

I hope to god it DOES get better. Because honestly, success is the best revenge. ANd if I end up happy, I know damn well he won't EVER be.