Narc Siblings and asking for the impossible?

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#1 Sep 7 - 11AM
voice of reason
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Narc Siblings and asking for the impossible?

I am so happy I found this website. My dear husband's sister (his only sibling) is a textbook N. My husband's family is small, only his sister, two very elderly parents and an elderly aunt surviving. I worry about when the time comes and it is just him and his sister.

His parents know the score with his sister, as does his aunt. DH is a smart man, but he is also an empath and uses denial as a strong defense mechanism when faced with unpleasant truths about people he has allowed himself to get close to. He knows much of the score with his sister but can fall short when it comes time to try to think of strategic ways of dealing with this troubling sister.

I could describe her, but honestly it would be rehashing what so many others have written. I will keep it simple by saying she is a very pretty woman for her age (mid 40s) and does everything she can to hang on to those looks. She (and her equally good looking husband) are charmers to be sure and they work their way through their circle of friends. There is always a special one his sister gets close to (my nickname for those friends is "flavor of the month"). She keeps you around for her supply or your potential to provide supply and then has little use for you if you don't provide. Her favorite thing lately is hanging out at the bars and trying to act like a tease with guys in their mid 20s, you know, to assure herself she still has it going on, even going as far as making out with them in public. Her husband doesn't know about this and no one will tell him because she is very talented at being unpleasant if you spoil her plans, if you know what I mean.

So onto my main point. I know this is probably asking for the impossible, but does anyone have any good advice for dealing with N siblings while keeping them at an arms length? I know no contact is usually advised but it seems pretty cold to lean on my husband to stay away from the only family he has. My family loves and welcomes my DH, but I know it's important for most people to have ties to their family of origin too. I am not looking for genuine family warmth or love from his sister, but ways of coping that we can manage without getting sucked into her little world too badly.

I am very interested in any thoughts on the topic. Thanks in advance for whatever anyone can share.

Sep 7 - 12PM
ordinarycourage
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narc siblings

I would suggest short periods of contact like family dinner at a restaurant or other brief outing in a public place. At least you'll get a good meal out of it!
Sep 7 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
voice of reason
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Good Start

Thanks Ordinary Courage, this may be how we begin to get things back in play. For now we have been keeping our distance trying to process this all. Certainly what you suggest is a great option and hey I do like to eat :>. One thing I worry about is how not to get charmed back into the old way of being. They are a lot of fun when they make up their minds to be. DH and I are often not on the same page when we snap out of the "spell" LOL and there is always the risk of DH thinking that maybe they have changed after all. Finding some way of thinking about it or some phrase to say to myself to remind me to stay grounded would be great. I have to think about "doling out supply" too because of course the SIL won't stick around without that. I think of compliments or small gifts as kind of like "doggy treats" to be doled out on occassion, not too often to get the SIL dependent on them but not too infrequent so that she loses interest. Much like you would encourage a dog not to extinguish a desired behavior LOL. Speaking of which, yes the SIL is one of those women who has a small lapdog that follows her everywhere. The dog acts just like my SIL too LOL. This is all pretty exhausting to think about. I do love my DH very much though so I am trying to find some techniques that will allow him to have limited contact with his sis without driving both of us crazy.