I feel like an Idiot

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#1 August 31, 2011 - 3:49pm
MovingForward
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I feel like an Idiot

I just can't seem to stop thinking about the XN. I go out of my way to hang around in the town that I know she is in. Her job allows her to ride around in the town all day. I spent the day, 4 hours, there hoping to run into her. How stupid is that. I did see her, from a distance, 3 times while in town and she saw me. It wasn't obvious to her as I do have business there.
How, oh how do I stop doing this. She moved on from day 1.
I want to understand but there is no understanding. I want answers that will never come. I need closure that I will never get. It's been 9 months since D&D and everyday is the same. I feel like a hamster in a hamster wheel. Why do I give her so much power over me? How do I let go? I have never felt so used, hurt and alone.

September 24, 2011 - 2:53am
lillymarch
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I'm having a bad night and can relate!

Why do I, in some part of my brain, know that he is the biggest shit head in the world? And then in another part of my brain I am hurt and devastated by his lack of love and care for me?? IT IS MADDENING!! I know I need to move on and just let the bastard go! I have let him go! But sometime I get caught up. It's ridiculous! I need to have a fling or something. Or maybe do something like skydiving!! I need to LIVE! I'm wasting my PRECIOUS thoughts on this stupid, stupid person!! Is he thinking about me?! NO!! He's off partying and having fun while I sit at home being the perfect mom. I need to do something drastic! Maybe tomorrow I'll go and get fake nails and then go dancing tomorrow night... GOD HELP ME!! Bring me out of this funk! Thank you!!
September 24, 2011 - 2:05am
highlander
highlander's picture

I really don't have any

I really don't have any advise for you, but just want to say that I'm in the same headspace as you are, and it's been 9 months since NC for me as well. Mine was immediately sleeping with someone else as well. It still kills me to think about that. DON'T drive be anywhere she might be. NO good can come from it, see her or not. I couldn't even be in the same state. I just couldn't have it in my face, and there are no ghosts here. There is one consolation here. For my ex, I am probably the 4th guy she has done this with, and I know is putting on some weight and losing her looks. She, and I suspect yours, will end up old and alone, and guess what? We won't! Keep your head up, man. You aren't alone... B
September 24, 2011 - 10:49am (Reply to #10)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks, B

I'm sorry to year what you've been going through. Mine may well end up old and alone, but right now, she's emokin' hot, in her 20s, and charming as hell. :). But, she's going to mess with the wrong person some day. She's reckless. Right now she seems to be focused on another woman at work who's in her 40s. This one is married. The more chaos they can create, the better they seem to feel. I truly believe that the ultimate compliment to her would be if someone committed suicide due to longing for her. Sad.
September 19, 2011 - 8:07am
stelpan62
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You are NO idiot!!!

Hi there MovingFoward, I grew up in hell with a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These woman are extremely dangerous and powerful. Never underestimate the power a narcissist has over you. I really feel for you and I will suggest to you some ways you can deal with this and move on. The first thing is ~ Know your enemy. Believe me ~ this woman is your enemy. Study narcissism on the net and buy yourself any books on the subject you can get your hands on. I had to let go of my own mother ~ the woman who gave birth to me. You can let go of this worthless woman. If she is a narcissist ~ she has a black soul and you must find ways to deal with it. Tell us about it. We "get it" Move towns if you have to but you MUST stay away from her. Don't torture yourself with hope ~ THERE IS NONE. I bet you are a great guy and worthy of someone who has a caring and open heart. Not a pretty parcel filled with poison. You simply must understand what you are dealing with and LET HER GO. Don't look for opportunities to "run into her". You don't deserve all this hurt but it's up to you to rid yourself of this toxic woman. There are lots of great women out there and you will learn from this but don't close your heart. It remains closed while you obsess over this heartless female. Of course she moved on from day one ~ she doesn't feel what others feel. EMPATHY. She doesn't care ~ full stop. You can be sure that she is getting a great nights sleep and probably slept with someone else the next day while you torture yourself. STOP IT!!! You are giving her all the power ~ take it back!! Hugs and strength to you!! stelpan62
September 1, 2011 - 1:50am
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Maybe try changing what you

Maybe try changing what you do...Then see what happens...for example...stop going to the town when she is there unless you have specific business there. I did some drive bys before myself, and they never helped me one bit. Change the behavior, then the thinking will change. You will have a desire to drive to the town. Acknowledge the impluse then dont act on it. You will feel in control, like you are getting yur power back, and that sanity is returning. ds
August 31, 2011 - 10:15pm
rosedewittbukater
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It'll feel better

"It will feel better when it stops hurting"
August 31, 2011 - 3:58pm
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Almost a year for me and

Almost a year for me and every now and then, it hits me! Why?? Because they have cruel intentions from the get go! You were lead to believe she loved you! To devalue and discard you, that's not acceptable! But do we have a choice?? Everyone has a right to move on, this is america! But to be cruel with evil put downs and the silent treatment! It's just WRONG! All I can say is be glad you are not evil, be glad you hold your head high and proud of who you are! Seeking out this person, what's the point? Hunter
August 31, 2011 - 4:23pm (Reply to #2)
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture

That's what I keep trying to

That's what I keep trying to tell my brain but my heart is not getting it. There is NO going back. I know this. I would never go back. I can only go forward. It's like I want her to say, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I did love you. I want answers and closure. I know all these things aren't true but my heart won't listen to my head. (sad face)
August 31, 2011 - 6:37pm (Reply to #4)
megamillion
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MovingForward, I saw your

MovingForward, I saw your post last week or so where you said you saw your exN (at a fair?). I should have said then how inspiring it was to me - that you felt like she was nothing, etc and you were so happy to be 9 months NC. I'm not as far out as you, but the fact that you (and Hunter!) are human and experiencing a range of emotions makes me feel like I can/will make it, too. You are not an idiot - except in the dictionary sense: a stupid person, where stupid is defined as "dazed and unable to think clearly"! That's what the Narctruck does when it runs you over a few times. You're human and you can still feel (deeply), recognize and process your emotions and that is what you must hold onto. You're normal. Normal people don't do what she did. Normal people feel remorse and guilt and concern for their partners of a few months, let alone many years. They don't manipulate the people who love them and they don't move on within a day. You wrote: "That's what I keep trying to tell my brain but my heart is not getting it. There is NO going back. I know this. I would never go back. I can only go forward. It's like I want her to say, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I did love you. I want answers and closure." Wow, I think this sums up exactly how I feel today. I just want to know that I meant something and that she f*cked up. This process of coming out of the fog and into healing... well, it's slow and painful but I'm with you - gotta keep going forward one tiny millimeter at a time. You can do this - stay NC and LOVE YOURSELF MORE. Hugs and strength to you xxx Mega
September 22, 2011 - 12:04am (Reply to #5)
MovingForward
MovingForward's picture

Thank you Mega

I know her day will come and so will my day of happiness without her. I know the only thing she regrets now is that I was better supply than what she has now. She broke me down to nothing but, I can say I have recovered to even better than what I was before but not better emotionally. I will NEVER let her see or know of the emotional state. She is truly with a strange person now. Nothing like I would have expected or like anyone in her past - yuck.
August 31, 2011 - 4:35pm (Reply to #3)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Sometimes the grief and

Sometimes the grief and horror and sadness is just overwhelming. Like you I yearn for explanation, apology etc but also realise it would do no good because he is a liar. I just hold onto each moment, trying desperately not to look back because it breaks my heart and not to look forward because it terrifies me. So just staying in this moment, on an island in the middle of a shark (narc) infested sea. You aren't alone The pain must pass, all wounds heal .....if left to do so Thinking of you x x