Help! How do I get past this when he lives right near me and I have to keep seeing him?

12 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 30 - 8AM
sadderbutwiser
sadderbutwiser's picture

Help! How do I get past this when he lives right near me and I have to keep seeing him?

hi everyone, i need support today. i've been doing awesome with NC (15 months). but yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks again. i was sitting in my front yard enjoying a beautiful day with my kids and of course who goes flying by on his dirt bike with all his buddies. yep. talk about a trigger. why does it get to me so much that he is so happy? he is a scumbag, a liar, and has been cheating on his adoring wife for over 20 years, and yet he is happy as a pig in shit. by the way, i walked away from him and didn't give him closure. that is what has made me feel good on bad days. i will never break NC, but how do i get better when i have to see him all the time with his fun life and it makes me feel sick. i keep reading that they're not happy but he seems pretty happy to me. just having a hard time with this.

Aug 31 - 8AM
sadderbutwiser
sadderbutwiser's picture

thanks to all of you for your responses

thanks everyone. as usual, your words of wisdom have made me feel better. he just walked by my house with his dog about 20 minutes ago. we have a huge neighborhood and there are plenty of ways he could go but whenever he is off from work (which is alot) he walks by my house. yesterday sucked so bad but i am better today. yes it is hard when he lives so close but i have the best husband and 5 great kids. this narc almost screwed that up for me, that is how good they are. i still am dumbfounded that he sucked me in for about 3 years. it is all so sick! you guys are the best. i am definitely going to post more now even though i've been reading for 2 years. i go back to work today as an aide in an elementary school so that will be good for me cause there's nothing like kids to take your mind off of things!! love to all.
Aug 31 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

sadderand wiser

so glad you feel better today...i know sometimes will think the feeling will never pass ,its such a relief when is does...have a good day.
Aug 30 - 3PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

I wish I had the answer for

I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't..........my narc lives far away. And of course, as we all know, nc was broken Sunday, so I am getting back on my saddle as we speak........I have said many times that I don't envy the poor people on here that have to deal with seeing them every day or even once in a while. It must be extremely trying for you and the rest. All I can say is I am EXTREMELY impressed with your efforts and success and you should be comended for your efforts! You are an example for everyone! Chin up, some days are worst than others. I am so sorry you are feeling sad today. I hope someone is able to give you some helpful answers to your question, I CAN give you support though........... I am very proud of you!
Aug 30 - 2PM
lou6303
lou6303's picture

Living near narc

I know how you feel, my narc lives next door right through the wall from me, my bedroom is straight next to his, we literally sleep metres away and he makes a point of letting me know when his new victim is sleeping over, opening windows, slamming about that he only does when she is there. He has never introduced us as he is prob graphing himself in case I tell her any of his behaviour. Been nc for since just after she came on scene with a few exceptions. I constantly have to see him, his daughter is at my daughters school etc. I hope he moves away as I can't bare the thought of her moving in, I'd lose my rag and tell her everything. They have been together 18minths but only see each other weekends and he or her seem to be losing interest as not as often as at the beginning. I feel as if I have the upperhand now as I don't care about what I say or to who anymore, he used me when I was at my lowest with depression so how desperate must he have been to emotionally abuse someone, give the silent treatment etc. My stomach turns when I see him, I have lost sleep and been physically I'll because of him. I think they are just scum but why am I obsessed with him and what he has done, all I ever did was care fir him and then get treated like crap. I have the comfort of knowing he lives a boring, hermit life other than when new victim is about, his internet on full time unless he is working, prob watching porn etc. So if your narc appears happy I don't think he is, mine hardly ever joked, laughed or had fun. I hear her laughing but not him, lol she must be laughing at him not with him. Narcs are spineless cowards who take everything, give nothing unless it benefits them. I pity new victim but guess she will find out soon how he behaves.
Aug 30 - 1PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

How I’ve come to process

How I’ve come to process this, is that if you see/hear that they are happy. That just means everything must be going their way, that day/week. Lol The minute someone disagrees with them, doesn’t do what he/she wants, argues, challenges them, stands up to them…that’s when they change. So, on THAT day, everyone in his life must have been obedient. Seriously, this is how I’ve come to view it, because I remember back to dating my ex. He was great as long as everything was going HIS way. When I started questioning things…debating him…just standing up for myself and not letting him walk on me…THAT was when the tide turned between us. So, think about that, the next time he whizzes by on his bike. Congrats on your longterm NC!! That’s something to be proud of. :=)
Aug 30 - 12PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Because they don't care, Narcs lack empathy

They can get on with their lives because they don't care, no empathy, remorse, guilt, after all everything that happens to them is everyone else's fault. They certainly love their toys, cars, bikes, fun fun fun. We know that they are not happy because all the studies show that they are in inner tormoil, are petty, insecure, and primarily experience fear and rage. Nothing is ever good enough for them they have to continuously seek new highs, new supply, better newer toys. There is no sense of peace and contentment for them. They are not at ease, they need contant attention, stimulation, and outside validation just to get up in the morning and then God forbid if someone slights them, they are off raging and pouting. When you see him fly by on a bike it is deceiving because it appears as though he is having fun, you are not seeing the rest of his day and all the chaios, highs and lows, arguements, fights with new supply, petty low depressive times. He is still the same person he was with you in his new life, nothing has changed. They don't change. I think that just seeing them at all sucks, it is a form of contact. Certainly not on your part, its just that it still triggers all the old stuff just to have so much as a glance at him. I think it is a chemical thing in our brains when we see them or something we see reminds us of them. Brings back the old memories of what they did to us. Like used said even though it has been months for her, just seeing him is enough to cause a reaction in the mind and body. Just keep remembering that his is a sick disordered PD and is incapable of experiencing anything which resembles real hapiness. This is their penance if you will, for lack of a better word, and for us just knowing that we have a chance at a decent loving life with family and friends and their disorder means that they will never have this. God bless, Goldie
Aug 30 - 12PM
LuckySpurs
LuckySpurs's picture

His "Happy Face"

You see him being happy because that's what he WANTS you to see. It's a mirage. Both N's I know have done this, to the point that you know it's a show for you so that you can see that it was you who has the problem and not them because they are happy. It's all image manipulation. Stay strong with your NC, chica!
Aug 31 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
sadderbutwiser
sadderbutwiser's picture

too funny!

LuckySpurs you called me chica, that is my dog's name! i love it!
Aug 30 - 12PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

The best thing you can do is

The best thing you can do is to remember that it is all about GAMES with these guys. They live their lives trying to be impressive, look impressive even through they are hollow shells. You are REAL..that is one thing that Narcs cannot accept or deal with. It's unfortunate that he is so close, but you need to take your mind off him and put it back into your healing. There will come a time when you will have REAL joy and he will still be left faking it. HUGS
Aug 30 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

sadderand wiser

as you can see i found it, but tho i know what its like...i saw narc today having coffee with a women..and i thought i was ok but i just hit the floor...i told and women friend...and basicly,she said he isnt going to give up...cos i got a BIGSMIRK off him....she said he wont let go...but to me after me beign 22mnths nc...i cant understand why they do these things either... ok ,i know it is for attention, but if their friggen world was so great[as narc used to say,i [he] have loads of friends i dont have to be with you] well why dont they fuck off then....THE OBVIOUS ANSWER IS THEY ARE NOT HAPPY AT ALL,ITS ALL PRETENCE AND LIES...if i was with someone that i was happy with,i wouldnt be showing of to narc or trying to get his attention...b/c i wouldnt even be thinking of him would i?, but if i was with some who i wasent happy with,i probley would let my mind wander...what is it with narcs and bikes...oh yes KIDS TOYS....BOYS AND THEIR TOYS....i wish narc would leave this town...its so small...
Aug 30 - 12PM
Layla
Layla's picture

He appears happy......

....because he is an empty shell of a person inside....of course he can scoot on by on his bike with a big smile on his face.....he doesn't care about you! He is like a 5 year old on a Big Wheel...........Whhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeee! Scooting around the neighborhood. His "emotions" (If you can call it that) should be of no concern of yours. Focus on YOU. Focus on YOUR HEALING. Every moment spent thinking about HIM, is another moment not focusing on yourself....come on now, I know this hurts but WE MUST face reality here. And the reality is, these N's AREN'T NORMAL......they MUST be moved on from or we will only get what we always got, PAIN and HEARTBREAK.