Can you believe that I'm disappointed and hurt that my N hasn't contacted me?!

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Aug 20 - 11AM
Cgrl
Cgrl's picture

Ladies

What beautiful post on this thread. Tons of insight and so sad and so true. You don't want contact. He will suck you in again. You will forget everything. You will go back for more- why? Because you believe in true love. Your heart tells you that you love him. His heart- well no. It's silent. I know it hurts but really what matters here- healing, getting past this feeling. Opening up like a flower to new feelings, new possibilities, new experiences in life. With him- it will be groundhog day. Same shit. Different day. Devalued. Discarded. Left with why's. Life- full of people who love and will love you like you are suppose to be loved. Not abused. Not left crying. Not left hoping. Him not contacting you just shows how special you really are. He can't punish you anymore. He has run out of lies and ideas. Take it as a gift.
Aug 20 - 9AM
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Mine not only didn't contact

Mine not only didn't contact me after I told him it was over, he MARRIED someone else! He hooked up with her the day after I gave my it's-over speech, married her 3 weeks later. Talk about feeling forgotten and unloved! It's been 5 months now and I'm not anticipating any type of hoovering whatsoever. I know how you feel. I'm ashamed of the fact that I feel this way. No one wants to be completely forgotten, though.
Aug 20 - 3AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Hi CaminoReal! Way to go for

Hi CaminoReal! Way to go for telling him it was over! Likely there is a narc injury involved in your confronting him. That does tend to keep them away longer and like others have said, be glad of it! A narc will come back if HE NEEDS to, but not because he cares or loves. It is the sad truth of the disordered and it is better they don't come back to hoover because that can cause all sorts of cog dis and doubts about what you already knew was true when you told him to go. 10 days NC seems a lot to us, but very little to them. They don't follow time lines in the same way and you will find many stories on this forum about how they return months, even years later, acting or talking like no time has passed at all. Not all narcs hoover, it really depends on if they need/want something from us. The ones who are good at being predators often don't return because they don't need our supply, especially when they know we can see through them which means hoovering will be that much more work for them, keeping that mask on requires much effort on their part and they can't do it so easily once it's fallen. It is a horrible feeling to realize they don't feel real love - but they don't feel it for anyone, so we must remember NOT to take it personally, nor to think they'll be able to stop being disordered for someone else instead. This is why it is so much better they stay away, so we can get that clarity and move on. The feeling of being forgotten and discarded is a very hard part to reconcile and until we start forgetting about them, it is very painful, which is why it so much better they don't hoover and keep reminding us.

Journey on...

Aug 20 - 12AM
Hope
Hope's picture

Yes it hurts...

yes it hurts that they don't contact, and I am not sure about all the comments that they will in the future at some point...my therapist told me straight out I will never hear from him again, he broke it off with me after lining up fresh supply so maybe that is why...at any rate it's been 16 months with no contact....I suspect when you fully realize you didn't loose anything and only gained something by the break-up is when it stops hurting...
Aug 19 - 11PM
Freedom101
Freedom101's picture

In the early days, when we're

In the early days, when we're still hoping for something, we still want them to contact us even though we say we don't. It hurts when they don't. I thought that my N was that way. I always said I know he'll never contact me because he never did. He didn't have to. I was the one who always broke down first and made contact. It's the last two times where he's made the first move because I was actually moving on. The first contact last time came at three months and this time at four months. It's true. They do come back, but they don't come back because they miss you and realize they've made the mistake of their lives. If they felt that way, they'd never let you go in the first place. They come back because things aren't going too well. We're reliable as we always accept them without making too much of a fuss about the past because we're happy to hear from them and it validates we weren't nothing to them.
Aug 30 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
needing2know
needing2know's picture

WOW I have the same thoughts

WOW I have the same thoughts you did, I am only 5 wks no contact, but like you I always made contact, the longest we ever went without taking is a week or two because I always caved and contacted him, but I will not do it this time, But I know that when he is DONE with someone he is DONE, so maybe I won't have to deal with him . When he dumped me I asked him how one day he could tell me he loves me and the next be cold as ice and just walk away, he told me "maybe that's how I protect myself" I said protect yourself from what, he never answered.
Aug 20 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Freedom

Freedom101 said: They do come back, but they don't come back because they miss you and realize they've made the mistake of their lives. If they felt that way, they'd never let you go in the first place. They come back because things aren't going too well. We're reliable as we always accept them without making too much of a fuss about the past because we're happy to hear from them and it validates we weren't nothing to them. THIS IS SO TRUE! I really believe that my exN thought he could cheat and lie and that if he waited long enough I would slip back into the warm comfort of denial and forget the past. Reliable is the perfect description. If they missed us and realized that we were something special in their lives then they wouldn't have done all the crap they did in the first place. This exN of mine is such a piece of poop. Thank you for this post.
Aug 19 - 7PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Now we get to our learning

Now we get to our learning opportunity in all of this! I so identify with you, as I sometimes would feel the same way. We stay decieved for a time, and the narc will try to put the mask part wayon again just to try to get more attentiona and supply...if they currently need it. Your narc is getting supply someplace else. Or he would be up your butt! That is how mine has operated for 16 months, so far. It is not that they forget us, (that would actually be ideal) it is that they remember in terms of supply. Remember they don't think like us! If and when he contacts you, the circular game begins anew. And there is no healing in that. We must figure out how to get past them and the feelings. Otherwise we stay in limbo, waiting to get d and d'd over and over. What permanent relief will you get form him texting you? It just re-ignites the dying embers of hope. And in the early stages we hope the nightmare ends and they come back new, improved, and mentally well,just like they ACTED at the beginning. He isn't upset at your insults...he will use them to hurt you later, maybe try to make you feel guilty, if it works for him. ds ps-read like crazy, post alot, get to know us and suck in all the knowledge you can. NC is the best way to heal.
Aug 19 - 7PM
gaizon
gaizon's picture

i can relate....

He hasn't called or emailed since December of 2010, when he emailed to invite me to a NY party he was throwing with some woman I had never heard of....naturally I didn't respond and deleted the email... I know if affected him...as he raged to friend of mine how he thought we could be friends, and extended the olive branch and invited me to a party...and how I am obviously vilifying him, as I never responded.... Whatever buddy.... What's the expression...oh yeah...'scrambled eggs'.... Consider it a gift if he's not contacting you; you can re-build and move on easier without him adding chaos and confusion....
Aug 19 - 6PM
Swan
Swan's picture

CaminoReal

Nah, he probably found something (someone) shiny to distract him. Once he's done with her, he'll come back hoovering you b/c he knows he found supply with you before. In the meantime take advantage and grow stronger with yourself so when he does come back around you can kick him to the curb harder this time! lol
Aug 22 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Make sure to kick him when he's down!!

Just sayin'! Whenever I've broken NC, I've referred to the ex-Psych prof's parents as "Mommy" and "Daddy" (yes, I was being condescending&KNEW it) Not only would I kick him to the curb, I'd post it to YouTube and send it on to Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert/CNN, so I'd get SOME enjoyment from his humiliation.