WakingUP's Story

Hey.... is that COFFEE I smell???

I am brand new here, and while this post is long, its only part of the story.....
But for now, I have some questions/am looking for advice... but first some background...

From what I can tell, my story is a little different because my Narc started out as a “friend” who was supposedly going to be my business partner... (which I now see was just a carrot he was dangling in front of me) Two years ago, we met while working on an exciting, creative, and high profile project. Our friendship was intense... we would talk email or text nearly everyday for awhile.. I got a lot of the classic Narc lines - how we were so much "alike" and he felt like I was his professional "soul mate" That I was his "awakener" - and helped him come to important personal realizations....And we did connect on a creative/professional level... but I wanted to (and did manage to) keep it platonic (I’m happily married)- even though he tried from day one to make it into something else. (which should have been a red flag, I know!) But I will admit - I enjoyed the attention and the idealization in the beginning stages. He could charm the pants off of a garden gnome if he wanted to....But I stupidly figured that the “tension” would just be part of our working dynamic.... Long story short... He preyed upon my need for professional affirmation, my insecurities about my talents and abilities, and took advantage of my giving nature. By the time he figured out I wasn’t going to sleep with him, he realized that he could exploit me in other ways - professionally and emotionally...He pulled me in on several other VERY high profile projects - which were like professional crack to me.
His mother is also a Narc, and screwed him up quite royally. Many, many times, I would listen to his sob stories - how his mom was an evil b*tch from hell who let him know he was unwanted, and humiliated him every chance she got and is trying to smear him professionally (which is true), how his wife was depressed and useless (but now I understand that she is one of his victims), how he is always broke. Like an emotional sponge, I thought I was there for him offering him encouragement and support, but really he was just reeling me in as NS. He had me brainwashed so well, that I would make excuses for him, and put up with behavior that normally I wouldn’t have ANY patience for whatsoever.

One of the projects we worked on together recently was another high-profile event (with his name on it) for charity. (BTW - he LOVES to do charity work as part of his cover that he’s SUCH a good guy... to the point of insanity. He will go in the hole doing freebies for charity to an extent where he can’t afford feed his family - but I know it really just feeds his ego - he really has no interest in the actual charity itself.) I was co-director of the event, and I put in many long hours working, organizing and seeing to it that all the little details were taken care of - several times I even put in 20 hour days - with no pay - in the hopes that we were building an annual event that would eventually grow, make money and be mutually beneficial. The event (which had no budget and only a few months to plan) was a huge success - but at the end “loyal” Mr. Assclown had time to thank everyone who participated either in person or on Facebook - and guess how much appreciation and acknowlegement I got?? Zero. Not even a text message on my drive home after the event, to see if I had made it home okay - (I live several hundred miles away...) I called him out on it - told him that I felt overlooked - a normal person who had some empathy would have said he was sorry, and genuinely tried to make ammends, but it made him angry, and I got a hollow apology, and then he threw a tantrum telling me that I had scolded him and was being WAY too demanding.

So we had been in the planning stages for next year’s charity event - which will be even bigger and splashier - (this time he managed to secure a healthy budget from this year’s charity and has several months to be able to promote it) It also has grabbed the attention of many, many of the top people in our industry who are excited about the opportunity to participate in an event for worthy cause that will likely generate quite a bit of publicity.
However - over the last year he “befriended” a woman who I can only categorize as a groupie/stalker. I believe that she has some Narc characteristics herself - she is a huge name dropper - has no sense of boundaries, and has been covertly and blatantly manipulative. I haven’t liked her from day one. She tries to be super friendly and “nice” but there’s just something off about her - she’s ingratiating - seems like she’s trying to “buy” people as her friends - especially people who will improve her status by her association with them. He let me do his “dirty work” and I was actually the one to invite her to be part of the “event staff.” It was going to cause trouble for him at home because Groupie Lady was coming on to him, and if HE invited her it would spell trouble with Mrs. Assclown. But he “needed” her - she has lots of great local contacts and knows people with money who could be valuable sponsors. Of course you can see where this is going, right?? Assclown and Groupie Lady are now having an affair. (both are married with kids) She has wanted to elbow me out from a business (and personal) standpoint from the get-go. At one point I stood up for myself and sent an email to Groupie Lady that she was crossing professional boundaries - she was clearly doing things that let people think she was more involved and had more pull than she really did - and I called her on it. I let Assclown know that I had done so, and he was livid with me. Told me that I was being overly critical - that she was just being “nice” and “helpful”. It one of several verbal ‘bashings’ I received, and had me second guessing my gut instincts about Groupie Lady - which were later confirmed.
He knows that she’s got “issues” and in the beginning thought her behavior was odd and kinda crazy. His best male friend advised him that he should “Run Like Hell!” from Groupie Lady. But she’s a groupie - the most absolutely perfect NS that a Narc could ask for. And! She has a friend who is also a groupie! Two for one! They will both kiss his a**, tell him how wonderful he is and never, ever question his motives.
During the course of working on various projects, I have gotten to know his wife. She’s not quite as useless as he makes her out to be. She does a lot of his grunt work and gets ZERO appreciation or acknowledgment. Everything she does is wrong. Groupie Lady has tried to “befriend” her and doesn’t “understand” why his wife has such a problem with her.... (Groupie Lady didn’t try to hide the fact that she’s after Assclown from ANYONE including his wife - she even came out and told her that “they could never be ‘just friends’...’” What kind of person does that????????!?)
On one of the rare occasions when I got to talk to Mrs. AC for an extended period of time alone, she told me about an incident where Groupie Lady was feeling ignored, so concocted a whole story just so that Assclown would come to her “rescue.” I asked Assclown about it, and he confirmed it. A normal person would be angry about the lies and blatant manipulation. He seemed to be willing to overlook it. That led us to a discussion about how her involvement might negatively effect the event (since she is clearly not trustworthy, has NO discretion and can’t keep her mouth shut about how she and Assclown are involved - and I have a feeling that will make a lot of people uncomfortable - especially since Mrs. AC and his young children will be there as well). During the course of that conversation, he basically came right out and told me that he was using Groupie Lady for her contacts. (and yes, we all know that he’s using her for sexual reasons too - duh.) He likely gets a kick out of people knowing that he’s a “stud” that sleeps around - what he’s blind to is that fact that not everyone will be accepting of that.

He made the fatal mistake of letting down his mask.

He always makes a big production of telling people that he tries “so hard to do the right thing, to make his friends and his children proud, and to not to sell out...” So I told him that if using someone for their contacts - contacts he could easily get on his own - wasn’t “selling out” then I didn’t know what was.

I DARED to question his ethics - so now of course, I’m getting the silent treatment and/or have been discarded. After that argument I sent a really long email, he told me we’ll “figure something out” and talk it through later. Told me he’s not avoiding me... just been busy is all... RIIIGHT...

That was 3 weeks ago. So that’s 3 weeks of NC. About 2 weeks ago, I stumbled on information about NPD while searching for “how to deal with manipulative people” (meaning Groupie Lady). I was utterly shocked, and I mean UTTERLY shocked to see how well the descriptions matched up with Assclown and his behavior. It truly was like a punch in the gut.

I realize I am probably one of the lucky ones. I’m not married to him, I totally dodged the bullet of having slept with him, and in reality, in my professional life, I would be much better served by stepping out of my comfort zone and going it alone.

But that’s not to say that the newly discovered “betrayal” doesn’t hurt like hell. That someone I thought I was truly close to and was trying to build my dream career with, someone who I thought needed and appreciated my help and all that I have to offer, that I cared about a great deal had sucked me in and was exploiting me in such an insidious and selfish way. Its taking some work right now to keep my positive outlook on human nature alive and well. I want to squeegee his fingerprints off of my soul.

Its been helpful to find this forum and to realize that the obsession I have with the whole ordeal due to the cognitive dissonance is normal... my revenge fantasies are normal... (actually if you want to share some, that would be great...I could use a few more...lol)
And I would hope that I’m not actually capable of “hating” another human being... I take comfort in knowing that even if I did hate him with every fiber of my being, it would still never compare to the grand abyss of hate that he has for himself. When its all said and done, I will pity him - knowing that every one of his days is filled with an ocean of rage, paranoia, despair and emptiness. And there’s no help for him.

I’ve come to learn that he’s likely a sex-addict - that he is a serial cheater - and even was cheating on his wife while she was pregnant with their second child... I know that she is very seriously depressed and fits very clearly the descriptions I have read about the abused spouses - he has worn her down, devalued her, made her think that he “rescued” her by marrying her, tells her she’s fat - when he’s a good 40-50 lbs overweight himself. She is angry, depleted of energy, thinks she’s going crazy and clearly a victim of his emotional abuse... I have no idea how he’s going to react now that I have his number. Can I in good conscience say nothing to her? Now that I know what it is she’s dealing with? I don’t think her mental health has ever been all that great... so there’s no way to know how she’ll react... plus there could be some serious retaliation from Assclown if he found out... What should I do?

I’m also concerned that I will be smeared to those people in the industry who will listen. I know that he’s already convinced Groupie Lady and her friend that I’m a crazy jealous b*tch (jealous of Groupie Lady... since he’s SUCH a catch, I must want him for myself, and that’s why I’M the one having the ISSUES) There will be people who realize that something is amiss if I don’t work on this year’s event. There were people who could sense that Groupie Lady was odd...What do I say when people ask me why Assclown and I aren’t working together anymore? Do I take the high road? Say nothing? Or at least nothing negative? How do I do that, when I SO want to warn people that he’s just a wolf in sheep’s clothing? If I try to tell the truth, it will just seem like sour grapes. How do I minimize the smear campaign if and when it happens? (I give it an 85% likelihood.) Even though its completely against my nature, do I threaten to blackmail him if he should think about smearing me? Essentially, I do have control of his website. And while that leverage is something I would never normally think about using, it is something I could control if I wanted to...

It makes me absolutely nauseous that he has so many good and trusting people completely snowed. He’s painting himself very publicly as a selfless do-gooder and family man, working on a charity event like this, when really nothing could be further from the truth. People that I know and respect are being taken in by his con-game. And in essence, he’s planning a really great party that all the cool kids are going to be invited to, and I’m clearly not going to be welcome. That sucks. Especially since I put my heart, soul and passion into laying the groundwork on last year’s event. I was an important cog in the machinery that made it the success it was last time.

Which leads me to - how do I deal with NC? Its not likely that our professional paths will never cross again. There are some business related odds and ends... And in the meantime, Facebook is a big problem in that respect. We have many many mutual friends, and it will be very difficult not to hear about some of his goings on. That, and that whole hormonal/brainwashing thing still has quite a grip on me. As angry and disgusted as I am, I can’t say with 100% certainty that I wouldn’t take his call or respond to an email even though I KNOW that if I hear from him it will only be because he wants something. (I have a feeling he WILL want something at some point...)

How do I know if I’m just getting the cold shoulder or if I’ve truly been discarded? Personally I don’t want to have anything to do with him ever again. But professionally, I don’t know if it would be wise to burn that bridge. Should I be on my guard for a Hoover-Manuver in the future? How do I do that?

Thanks for reading. I welcome your responses.