Went home today...

My ex and I didn't live together, but he was completely involved in my finding my current home, did work on it for me, chimed in all the time about how I should decorate it, talked about how much he liked it. When he left, it killed me to be in it alone because he'd been such a part of it from the very beginning. It hurt so much because it had never been just mine - it had been "ours." I went a bit crazy in those first few weeks, trying desperately to change every single room of it because there was no way I could move out at the time. I painted like a fiend, rearranged all the furniture (in some rooms more than once), did everything I could to make it look different so it wouldn't remind me of him everywhere I looked. I promised myself I'd move out as soon as my lease was up, which was months away. Not only did I want to get away from the reminders, but I also felt like he no longer had any right to know where I lived and to know my home so intimately if he wasn't going to allow me that kind of knowledge of HIS life anymore. By the time that rolled around, though, I felt like my home and I had sort of been through a war together, and it had been MINE much longer than it had been "ours." I love this place - I loved it from day one, and quite frankly, I shouldn't HAVE to leave it. There's no way I'm leaving before I'm ready, and for my own reasons. As for him knowing where I live, I doubt he even remembers. And if he does, well, fine - let him think about how much he enjoyed being here and how he'll never, ever set foot in it again. He no longer has any claim to either one of us, so to speak.

Wow, I just read all the comments and HE IS A HUGE NARC IMO! I'm not diagnosing professionally obviously, but just because sometimes he says the right things and seems to care - that does not make him a 'normal'. I hear what you are saying about not having the strength to pack up your stuff right now to move. Being someone who has stayed in the place I shared with exN, I highly recommend however that you consider finding a new place - a place that is just for you. (only suitable for a roommate if that's what you really want) There is a part of you that might not want to consider moving right now out of hope that he will come back, but like you said, his abandonment of you at this time when you need him most, can not (or shouldn't for your own sake) allow you to ever take him back since it shows you he is capable of cruel abandonment and such selfishness. Whatever happens after this, if he hoovers and comes back, it will never be able to be again as it was before when you felt secure and happy with him. Usually when they come back the abuse is even worse since they 'got away' with something (ie leaving you like this now, knowing you'd still welcome him back - and of course it would be when your attention can be back on only HIM). It is fortunate that you are able to stay with your parents in this time of mutual need and I believe years down the road you will be really glad to have had this time with THEM. Since you can afford to move, if there isn't a particular reason you want to stay in your place that is only about you, I really think it would help you emotionally to start looking at new places, even very casually for now. When you ARE feeling strong enough, ask a couple girlfriends to help you pack up your stuff, turn it into a little party, throw away any narc related things you don't want to keep, hide the rest in a box out of sight to decide upon later and get the hell out of narc-ville. If there is even an ounce of hope that by holding onto the old place you might also be able to hold onto him, or to have a place for him should he return, it will only keep you feeling stuck, hurt, disappointed and sad if you end up watching HIM continue to move on. I know this first hand, cause that is what I did. Mine also said he just needed to be on his own for awhile to sort things out, that he wasn't happy being in a relationship and I needed and deserved someone who could love me the way I wanted to be loved. I didn't know this 'freedom' he so desperately needed also involved jumping right into a new relationship with the first (of several) OW he has been with since he left to be 'on his own'. It has taken me a long time to clean HIS energy out of my home and even after two years it still lingers. I am mostly over my exN, but even after changing everything around to reclaim my space, my own bed and new paint - new pictures on the walls etc., I'm still often reminded of the good times I shared with HIM just by being in the space itself. There are reasons I have stayed here that have nothing to do with him though, and even with those, I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't be better off in a new place. I can still see him sitting at the desk that doesn't exist here anymore, in the chair that is long gone, at the table we used to do so much together at, even though it looks completely different now, at the kitchen sink, back door, stove and the many other things I couldn't rearrange or change. Now the memories don't cause the pain they once did, but they still come up more often than I'd like, kind of like an annoying insect that seldom bites hard enough to hurt me anew, but never fully goes away. After this difficult time with your father and the coming weeks go by, if you can make a fresh start, this is a perfect time to do it, regardless of what HE does next. A new place filled with only your energy and new memories will feel SO much better and help you erase the constant reminders of HIM as you heal from all this pain and move forward with YOUR life. From what you've said in comments, it sounds like this man has brainwashed and emotionally abused you in the worst ways - while pretending to be your friend who loves you and cares. This is also the way my narc did it. Trust me, the fog will clear the longer you are away from him. You will survive this and be stronger and more confident that you've ever thought possible. You've just been under his influence for way too long now and he does not deserve a single minute of your concern about him any longer! ((hugs))

My ex-N has been gone for three weeks now. I know exactly where you are coming from. But PLEASE believe me....you can get thru this! I too, had a hard time being in the house with him gone. And yet, too distraught to leave. After the first two weeks, I have cleaned, rearranged furniture, moved pictures and painted. I even switched bedrooms with my son because I could not take the pain of being in that room any longer. I now have a very cool "baseball room"! I struggle every day with the what-ifs, but each day I'm getting a little stronger. (My favorite song at this time..."getting a lil bit stronger" by Sara Evans) Hugs to you!

Yes, I owned my home before I married xnh (but we were in the relationship when I initially bought it). I was involved with xnh for 8 years before marrying him, and with him a total of 16 years. We lived in my home the entire 8 years we were married. I have LOT of memories concerning xnh and his children in this home (both many good memories and a lot of bad - for one thing the constant fighting was horrendous). I'd thrown xnh's oldest hideous P daughter out of the house for doing drugs about a year before the final D&D, so she was no longer living with us. When xnh cheated on me and D&D'd, I threw him out of the house the same night. However, he came back several weeks later to move out his and his youngest daughter's stuff (while I was at home so that he couldn't take anything that wasn't his). It was like torture for me watching it all go. To quote my sister, "It was the death of the dream." After xnh's and his youngest daughter's stuff was gone from the house, I had large sections of my own home standing empty and rooms that were very painful to enter (namely xnh's hobby/bedroom where he slept at the last because his snoring was so obnoxious that we mostly weren't sleeping in the same bed, his youngest daughter's bedroom, and the family room that was pretty well stripped bare of it's furniture). It was very painful for me at first. I couldn't walk into the family room without remembering xnh's youngest daughter, and all of the fun she had with her friends during slumber parties. It made me incredibly sad to remember the giggling that went on in there. The silence in the house after they left just seemed thundering to me. Since I'd always heard that when you lose someone (as in death), that if you're not sure what you want to do, then it's best to step back and do nothing for a while. Therefore, I shut the doors on the two bedrooms and avoided that family room for a month or so until I decided what I thought was best for me. Then I started "reclaiming" my house one step at a time by redecorating, rearranging, getting new furniture that *I* want, and replacing the "empty space" in ways that were strictly "me". It happened a little at a time for me, one idea that I had at a time. Slowly, I've managed to convert the house from "our" home into "my" home. I now feel that this is MY home, and I'm quite happy in it (ALL of it). Since xnh left about 14 months ago, I've made his youngest daughter's bedroom into the library that I've always wanted, complete with reading chairs and a jigsaw puzzle table. I've made the family room into my computer area, and a workout area with my treadmill located in a pleasing spot to look out the windows. Part of this room has been arranged with a couch to read and watch the fireplace on cold winter evenings, or just relax looking out the windows on other days. The bedroom that xnh stayed in is currently being used for storage. However, I have plans to turn it into a nice guest room for when my family visits (complete with a daybed and new curtains). The pictures throughout the house have all been replaced with custom artwork of MY choosing, instead xnh's kid's school photos or his mommy on the walls (I always felt like I had a female version of Stalin staring at me whenever I walked through the house with xnmil's pictures hanging around - lol). I've even done lots of little things around the house to reclaim it as uniquely mine (like replacing all the drawer knobs to ones that I picked out, and all new towel bars, toilet paper holders, etc. that *I* liked). Yes, it was incredibly painful and emotionally difficult for me to stay in this home at first. However, the more that I've "reclaimed", the easier it's gotten. In addition, each time I replaced something in the home that caused me painful memories, the more it seemed to help reduce the pain. I found that I could replace a painful memory with a pleasant memory. Now I think how proud I felt painting this or the good time I had with my sister when I bought that, etc. Mostly when I walk through my house today, I don't have the feeling of "Gee, THAT is where xnh's cell phone left a mark on the wall when he threw it at me in a rage.". Instead I think, "Man, I really like the color of that paint! Thank GOD xnh is gone. My life is SO much better now." My suggestion is to start changing the things in the house that bother you the most. Possibly move into another bedroom for a while, or get yourself a new bed. Change the look of the room into something totally "you". Hang it there. It is hard at first, but it does get better. MUCH better. The constant stress from the narc is gone, and you're free to paint pink polka dots all over your walls if you want. No one has any control over you any longer. You're free to heal and have a happy future...and you're so worth it. :) Huge hugs.

I stayed in our shared home for a few years after - long enough to sell it. It was way too big and too much work to maintain on my own. While it is still so new for you, change the locks, if you have a garage door opener, have it reprogrammed. I remember what it felt like after his "half" of the furniture was gone...it felt much more real and empty. As far as the bed goes, I know how you feel. This will pass and you'll look forward to having the whole thing to yourself for awhile. Wish there was a quick fix...time is a great healer.

Look at it as your would is beginning! Change the locks and make this a new home for you and your new narc free life! Was this really a home when he was there abusing you? You can do this! Would you prefer to continue to live a lie? Hunter

But my ex can show up at anytime. In the beginning he was away for long periods of time. Then when he knew I was moving on he would show up more and more. Now he's been gone for almost a month. First thing I did was buy new sheets and bankers for the bed. I moved furniture around and really tried to own it. It was so amazing to have control and freedom. I missed him like crazy! But I had been missing him for years. I was missing the dream, the illusion of him. It was terribly painful but I got through it. During that time I didn't think I would. I'll be thinking of you. Be kind to yourself. When you find that you're focus is stuck on him- refocus it back on you and you're health! It works! Take care of you.

get better. It takes time and baby steps and a conscious effort to refocus your thoughts from what you think is "missing" to what you have/will gain. You will gain peace and freedom. You will gain clarity and relief from chaos and doubt. You just have to be patient and determined to move on toward your own happiness and joy. It really does work this way. Where you focus your thoughts becomes your reality. As hard as it is right now in these painful moments, try to focus on what you intend for your future...for the next few minutes to make yourself feel better. I think it's a great idea to move out of the bedroom. I did this and it was most helpful. It's a process. I'm amost nine months total NC and I still do not sleep in "the room" very often. It's okay with me. In the meantime, I also want to share that I LOVE MY PLACE now! I love pulling up in the driveway and not dreading seeing his car parked there. I love listening to the kind of music I like. I love leaving things strewn about if I'm too busy to clean up all the time. Mostly I love doing everything on MY SCHEDULE, no one else's. You will find your way to this love, too. Ruby, I send you a big hug and the encouraging truth that it does and will get better than you ever imagined. You cannot wait around for crumbs and indecision and for someone to value you. You have value, great value, and it's time to embrace it with all your might. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AT LEAST NOT AT THE MOMENT. I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND DOUBT. IT'S A COMMITMENT AND I'M STICKING TO IT.

The first time he left I was like you- all boohoo and this was OUR home and blah blah blah. Crying. Carrying on. The second time because I KNOW what a shitbag he is now- Woohoo! Thank you god! My beautiful space. My peaceful cave. No more jumping through smoke clouds. No more cleaning up after Him. No more. Funk. Calm. Wonderful. Peaceful. Its yours now. OWN IT. God has given you peace. Don't think of it as loss. Its not. Opportunity to have a gentle life. I bought some new things. Put in a ceiling fan thatasscliwn promisedto do for Over a year. Did all kinds of stuff. Its mine.