.....I'm back

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 1 - 12AM
fierflie
fierflie's picture

.....I'm back

Hi everyone. I feel a little bit guilty and ashamed that I haven't kept in touch until now, when I need this forum again. Honestly, I think at first I so desperately just wanted to get out of narcville, then I was ashamed of some of the things I have been doing. I know most of you wouldn't approve.
It's been a crazy summer. Once I moved out of my x's house, I had a huge party. I admit, I'm a little bit of a party girl and always have been. I drink to much, I other things too much-it's a flaw. I think it's that restlessness that draws me to "bad boys", narcs, psychopaths, addicts, whatever will keep from getting (god forbid) bored. I hate myself so much right now and I humbly crawl back to you guys.
So, after being faithful to my husband for all those years of him cheating withholding sex and just being generally 15 years older than me, when my sex drive returned, I was SOOOO horny. I picked up a guy and took him home that night and we had amazing sex until the morning. Well, you guessed it, he turned out to be a grade a, number one, top of the line, sadistic, lunatic, narc, drug dealing psycho bla bla bla...
***For those of you who want to skip the details of the new narcs sadistic game I'll sum it all up - i was talked into not using protection and had really rough sex with this guy and I have been bleeding for 4 weeks now and I can't get in to see my doctor and I fear he gave me some kind of STD. I will probably have to go the ER this week if i can;t talk my gyno into getting me in sooner. Something is really wrong down there and I can;t help but think about how I smelled weird after he was in me (i'm sorry to be gross).
So, I was drunk (as I have been all summer)and in a Denny's of all places with my friend, when I saw this guy sitting there with some of his friends and I was immediately attracted to him. Being the shy person I am I told him to come sit next to me and litteraly within minutes we were making out and I took him home and we had sex. over and over. It was so good and I needed it so bad. I was frigid for over a year. I never thought I could feel that way again. I have had sooooooo little experience with men, so this was HUGE and very unlike me. Anyway, I wasn't stupid or anything. The next morning I kind of looked at him and said "should we exchange numbers?" LOL. He said "of course!, we need to this again! I'm going to go home and show my brother your facebook and tell him look what i did all night. hes going to be so jealous" ect ect... Even after all that, I just kind of laughed it off as a really fun experience and went on with my day kind of grinning. I mean, I'm 31 and he's like 23. I wasn't thinking anything of it but maybe an occasional fun evening. So the next day the texts were rolling in. Bin laden had just been shot and he was sending me things like "I wish you had been here to watch this with me!" "my brother wants to meet you" and stuff like that. Then he called and invited me to lunch the following day, I was in a class so I missed his call, and it never happened, but I started getting a little giddy at this point. Wow. could something actually come of something so unlikely? I started to reluctantly allow myself to talk to him. Meanwhile I wanted more of that great sex BAD. After one more time of seeing him at his insistance, it became me always asking him to hang out and it was always when he was utterly fucked up. But here's the thing, he was SOOOOOOOOOOOO demonstrative when he was with me. He would ask me repeatedly if I was his girl. He would coo into my drunken ear after sex about how he was going to take care of me, making promises about the NEXT DAY that he would never ever even keep. Telling me he was falling for me like an actor that deserved some kind of award and I FELL FOR IT!! My ex psycho was NOT like this! This guy was so over the top romantic I thought I was some kind of a goddess to him. IN FACT he wrote me a poem he entitled CALYPSO, which the little bastard called me! The last time I saw him I got a text at 6:00 AM saying "is **** with you? I am urgently trying to reach him" apparently it was his aunt, who he forgot to pick up at the airport. Well, how the hell did she get my number? The whole thing is just bizzare. After a few more times of this he just....disapeared. He was supposed to take me on a date and told me that day 'he really wanted to make it work, but i was too old for him" ouch? but after this episode it became so painfully evident that everything out of his mouth had been a huge lie. I was really upset, but I let it go. He still had my keys, and after about 3 weeks of me badgering him for them back and even threatening to call the police on him, I just gave up and let it go. Fats forward a couple of months and he materializes on my doorstep with my keys. I told him I wasn't mad and that I never expected anything of him but that I didnt understand his way of leaving and that I thought we were friends. He then preceded to tell me some bullshit story involving many many lies involving some little girl in california that i'm supposed to think is a bitch who deleted me of facebook. (i know, this all sounds so stupid and juvenile). So just like before, after me telling him it was all cool, and it was just some friendly screwing, in came the sadism. "I will be your friend if thats all you are willing to give me, but I have thought about you this whole time and even dreamed of you. then he started CRYING. He said he was faling in love with me. He wrote me a poem and proceeded to pour his heart out to me for three hours until I was crying. NO, just casual sex isnt good enough. He SWORE if i just gave him one more chance he would never hurt me bla bla. so, of course, i gave him some. The next day he was to come over and walk my doggie with me (a nice, free activity. I didn't want to scare him by making him pay for anything, even though he was fond of telling me all the fancy things he was going to get me. geez I feel so stupid) You guessed it! I get a text from my psycho at about 2 hours before meeting time saying "well I guess they are going to take my phone after i get there but I will call you when I get there". HUH??? "what are you saying??" "i'm saying I have a problem and I need some help and i'm going away but now i'm saying goodbye to my family"... WTF??? All I said was "you are a bastard". I never expected to hear from him again, but then he called me (from rehab haha) and suckered me in AGAIN. "I don;t expect you to wait, but I hope you will. You hurt me so badly when you said I was a bastard. bl a bla" I was so determined to help my little man get better! Being the f-ing dumbass I am. Until I saw some girl post on his facebook page "awe, I left my balloon at work today". And him posting "just 12 hours till work" WTF??? So here I sit, narced again. D&Ded and bleeding for four weeks. I'm so f-ing upset. :(

Aug 2 - 8PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Fierflie it's ok. I had a

Fierflie it's ok. I had a narc boyfriend in my late teens who bludgeoned his mother to death two years after we split up. LOL. Listen - honestly you sound like you are having a real hard time taking care of yourself right now so let us help you...first thing to do is take care of the GYN problem so you don't die, and you will feel much better after taking just that one step to do something positive for yourself. Then I am going to PM you so maybe I can find some support for you where you live. Anyone else want to chip in some real help for Fireflie? Love and hugs. We don't know each other, but we DO.
Aug 1 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi fierflie

Welcome back! I wondered what happen to you, figured you had found the man of your dreams! You may not like what i have to say, but did you ever get any therapy for yourself? I have not had sex in over 2 years and miss it terribly since the narc dumped me, but i would rather masturbate then have sex with anyone, before really getting to know them espcially nowadays, since you do not know what you can pick up. lets us know how it goes with the doctor, not making any judgment here, just my opinion.by the way jaycee did find theman of her dreams, I am sure you remember her!
Aug 1 - 7AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

So glad you came back to the

So glad you came back to the forum! Never feel that you can't and never be embarrassed. We are all here to help each other. I am assuming you want help since you came back and wrote the things that you did. Can I say this, I am very concerned about the lack of respect that you have for yourself. We have all felt the way you do from time to time of course, that is why we are dealing with the narcs in our lives and are here for support and to give support. But, what concerns me is the amount of drinking you are doing, the poor judgement calls regarding protection etc.....you are a ticking bomb right now, out of control. Reel yourself in, concentrate on your well being........put the "wild" side of you aside for a while until you can regroup. It's honestly for your own good. Self destruction is just that, self destruction......please stop, take a deep breath and be honest with yourself and what you truly want in life. And most importantly, a man, ANY man, needs to be completely out of the picture. Make your doctor appointment STAT and make a appointment with a therapist. Get your self on the right track, put all of this mess behind you, especially the narcs in your life. As far as your physical health, the OB/GYN will be able to get you taken care of, it sounds like an infection to me, the bleeding could be completely unrelated. If you can not get into your doctors, try a clinic maybe. But make sure you do both, the OB/GYN and the therapist. Start to like yourself, I am not talking about liking what you do for fun and finding yourself happy doing it.....I am talking about honestly liking yourself and being happy WITH YOU. Your behavior, and trust me, I AM NOT judging you, I was a wild child at one time, trust me, I know what all this means.........your behavior says it all, you are screaming to be loved, to be liked. And you will be, as soon as you can repair what makes you self destructive. Welcome back to the forum! Never be ashamed..........coming back is an awesome step in the right direction. Good luck and keep us posted!
Aug 1 - 6AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Stay here and be safe

FF, We sometimes tend to act like that for whatever reason, and the best thing you can do now is stay here in this safe place, unload your worries and pain, and take care of yourself. And forgive yourself. I have acted comparably irresponsible, but here we don't have to feel ashamed any more. Know that we are feeling with you. Big hug.
Aug 1 - 2AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Hey FF , good to haveyou back

Hey FF , good to haveyou back sweetheart . It sounds like you have had a terrible time of it and you NEED to get the bleeding sorted out like TODAY ! What happened was what happened , the most important thing is you forgive youreself , dont go calling you stupid or any of thoses negative things as it wont help one bit . The simple truth is you just are not ready to date yet . Block this guy from ever coming near you again and take a deep breath and chill . Healing from a narc takes a very long time two years is not uncommon and seeing you only went NC a few months ago you can do the maths that time is not on youre side and there is a whole lot of work to still do . Stay here , dont you go anywhere right ? well if you do go anywhere ill just dragg you back anyway lol First things first , make an appointment anywhere to get downstairs looked at .. love ya Scoop x