Sunafterrain's Story

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 28 - 11PM

Sunafterrain

Sunafterrain's Story

I've shared my story before. Sometimes, with those who understand pathological relationships, it's been accepted and understood, elsewhere, it was cause for a lot of triggering and drama. Frankly, I'm just so tired of both. I've been reading this blog for two days straight. Is this safe to share? I"m not sure. But at this point, I don't have anything left to lose.

I've read much here about the OW's. A lot of it is truth, a lot of it is stereotypical from my perspective, and a lot of it is very painful.

I was involved with my last N for ten years in an affair relationship. I've been out for eight months. He divorced a year and a half ago. we dated about four months before I discovered he was dating other women BIG SHOCKER THERE! He's 49, I'm 47. He recently remarried, having met this new victim off his dating site, of which he has now taken himself off of. Yes, i checked. He always told me if the right woman came along, he could be faithful. Who knows? Anyway, I spent the last year disengaging myself from the relationship. I was in college and feeling good about myself. I thought (mistakenly) that he'd share this with me, since he said he supported me. Lip service. But I kept going anyway. Something inside me said he had destroyed enough of my life, he wasn't going to take more. I'm 47, he is 49. This is my third N/P relationship. I was married to my second P for 20 years. We have six children and two and a half grandchildren. I was just getting out of that relationship when N dove in. It has been utter hell ever since. the carrot dangle was "I want to be with you forever, once I divorce my wife" then when he did, he didn't want me anymore. somehow, instinctively, I knew this would be true. He wanted more of me and my time once the divorce went through, but I just couldn't give in. I had so many excuses. I keep thinking about that a lot. His abuse was WORSE than it ever was once the divorce happened. I just wouldn't put up with it. I couldn't do the things he wanted me to do, vacations, dinners out, I blew it all off. Opportunities lost. I just felt disrespected. I had been. I couldn't take another minute of it, but yet I was still trauma bonded and afraid of losing him too. What a sick SICK relationship! His ex wife is very happy now, in another relationship and they share children. What a nightmare for her! He was EVIL about her and his first ex wife. Now he's married again in record time. She hasn't a clue.

There was a thread that I was reading on here that I clicked on from googling and reading online. It was about sex with the narc. I so resonated with all the stories. The madonna/whore complex. My ex was totally there. He withheld at home except for maintenance and he outdid himself with me (Madonna/whore-respectively). I was so in love with this man (we were friends for two years and I'd known him for ten before we became intimate), I would have (and did) everything for him that i could. I bought all the lies he told about his wife. STOOOOPID!!! I regret all of that now. I suffer in agony over the pain I caused his family, as well as the pain I caused mine and the pain I'm in. It's hard to vacillate between the guilt and shame I carry for all of it, while trying to figure out what happened and when I turned the corner to become almost narcissistic myself in my love for him...to when I knew it was all wrong, that I wanted my life back, to be able to love again....it's so convuluted....

Sex with my N was weird. Here's an OW perspective. It was so basic and boring, yet also times where it was so great. But it was ALWAYS all about him. If he cuddled me or was with me at all, afterwards, it was "obligation", somethign he had to do to maintain the sex. two years prior to my ending the relationship, he asked me, "can't I just do her for maintenance,once in awhile but keep my sexual relationship with you too?" WTF? I was so screwed up by him that I actually thought the question wasn't weird at the time, UGH! Everything was mechanical. He also made sure that I was the whore and that I knew it. He always went out of his way for his wife, doing things with her socially and etc, and made sure I KNEW what he was doing when he was doing it. he would also surprise attack me with vacations he was about to take with her and I would see the glee on this face as he watched my painful reactions....

The last time this happened, I was done. I had an epiphany. OMG, I have to get out of this...so I went back to school...then his marriage ended..then the constant demands, accusations of cheating...and IRONICALLY, when he considered me to be his MAIN source of supply, the abuse got worse and the sex was horrible. He couldn't perform as well. He wanted more deviant sex, but I just could not bring myself to do it. The "closer" I thought we were, the more he pulled away......there was shift, from whore to madonna. It was the most bizarre thing I ever experienced. I caught him on his dating site and it was all but over. I'm really just summarizing everything that happened...but the bastard hadn't changed at all. About his ex wife, he said, two months out of the divorce "If it weren't for the kids (they have joint custody) I'd never see that bitch again". Same thing he did with wife one too and she ran for her life. He signed off his parental rights to the first child...two from the second marriage...there are so many things I don't know...but I did get a clue into his behaviors that were surreal. While dating, he made the mistake of leaving his FB open for me to see who was on his list. Long story short, he was targeting a woman from his high school reunion he was going to in another state. He went. She was overweight, but very pretty. She was also a credit consultant who made a ton of money and N was in debt. When I asked if he was attracted to her, he said, "come on babe, you know me better than that. I don't do fat chicks".

Guess what? He was love bombing her and had been for a couple of months. he lied and lied and lied...and lied some more. he lied to me on text at the airport as he was getting ready to go to another state to spend three nights of dates with her and she didn't even know about me. So I contacted her. i found out all the lies he told her over those three days. It was incredible. The same bullshit lines he used on me, in the beginning were as astonishingly the same as he used on her...and probably this new victim too, his new wife....I learned a lot from this woman I talked to and I am forever grateful that she was willing to share information. She had NO IDEA about me at all. It was a real eye opener. The lies. Absolute lies. If she had bought into the bait (she didn't, she had two N relationships before he attempted so she already knew), their whole relationship would have been based on the same lie mine was.....and the lies just kept being revealed one after another. He blamed me for losing this opportunity. Shoot, even blamed me for having pancreatitis (he's an alcholic) saying I caused him so much stress. Bastard.

So eight months later, I'm still trying to overcome cog/dis, even though I wanted him to be gone. I keep projecting this happy relationship that he's in now, his new marriage. Can they change? I can't imagine after everything I saw and have been through and [put everyone else involved through that it's possible, but who knows? I suffer so much grief and pain from my involvement, trying to unravel all the knots and lies, the pain I caused...it is absolute hell.

I'm still out though. He sent me two mother's day ecards LOL...to two of my different emails. Why? I haven't a clue, by then, it had been six months since the relationship was over. I told him to fuck off and never to contact me again. After that, we saw him at a stop light. he totally ignored me, although he kept looking over at my car and I kept pretending that I didn't care....but I do care. And all of this just hurts. There is so much more to say, but for now, this will have to do. So if any of you think the OW gets the good end of the deal, um, nope. Eventually, she gets what you all hoped she does, or feel sorry that she does. In fact, it could be worse because in his mind, the OW is the next new supply that will have to live up to the last and frankly, she cant live up to what any of you were to him. Thanks for letting me share.

#2 Jul 29 - 8AM

Sunafterrain

Thanks Soapergirl. I threw my

Thanks Soapergirl. I threw my moral compass out the window with this one. After a twenty year extremely abusive marriage to a P, I never in my life thought that this is how it would turn out. In thinking about things more in the last several months, I think the longevity of the relationship, as well as my marriage was very much aligned with having been raised in a pathological home. These are things I'm having to deal with now in therapy. Currently, I'm alone and want to stay that way. I'm not proud of my decisions, nor the pain they caused and he was soooooo good at manipulating me. I believed the promise for too long. Way too long. My ex was not looking just for sex in his new marriage, Soapergirl, he was also looking for money. HIghly in debt, as well a part time mother to his children. I can only imagine the mess it is right now. Oddly, there is comfort in knowing that his pathological lying will always be entrenched. I hope this helps you in a way because even though he's with the OW, if she believes anything, the foundation of the relationship is an entire lie. Healthy men DO NOT do that.

#3 Jul 29 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

SoaperGirl

In Debt, Looking for Money & Being Raised in a Path Home

Oh Lord, I hear you loud and clear on that one. I was raised in a highly dysfunctional home myself: Alcoholic father (who may have been a narc himself-charming, charismatic etc.) and a Bi-Polar, Paranoid Schizophrenic mother who would beat me until I bled, & was covered in welts, cuts and bruises). Growing up, I was always told how worthless I was, and lived in terror of being gang-raped by boys next door to us. It was a childhood straight from Hell! It seems to have made me vulnerable to worthless, abusive, no-good men like my narc (and I don't think he was the first one either!). Seems small wonder now that I am grossly obese (fat big time!). Currently I'm reading some books I hope will help me learn how to raise my self-esteem and eventually connect with a healthy, normal man. 1. Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and 2. How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence by Nathaniel Branden. I've been working on learning to love the little girl I was, and it is helping. My appetite seems to be decreasing naturally, and I'm starting to feel slimmer. (Knock on wood!) hahaha. Getting back to business: My narc is also deeply in debt, and I'm sure it's no accident he chose a financially secure woman. He is now living in her home, on her dime! I have no doubt he's using her, but is he abusing her? I can't help being curious in spite of myself. I told the narc myself last winter, his home is financially breaking him and he needed to get out of it. I guess believed me. At the time he would not sell his home and move in with me, claiming he needed to get back equity value. Now his home is on the marketOddly enough, knowing his financkial condition, he'll be lucky to break even by the time he pays off two mortgages and his realtor commission, that is if he manages to sell it. No far, he seems to be having a lot of trouble unloading his palace. My home, meanwhile has nearly doubled in value. Go figure!

#4 Jul 29 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

Sunafterrain

Soapergirl, They use women

Soapergirl, They use women for money too. Just cuz she has money though, i don't believe stops the behavior, although perhaps the mask is kept on longer. Prior to exN and I becoming intimate, he would idealize his wife in conversations. It took me years to realize that he did this on purpose. He also devalued her constantly and used me as the "therapist" about his marriage. bastard. Whenever I would push him back to the marriage (he was so frustrating and so Jekyl/Hyde by this time, I had wanted out many times), he would tell me, "nope, too much work"...but how ironic is that? TOO MUCH WORK! And that's what happens, I believe in a relationship with a pathological, it becomes WORK. Idealization OVER. I also got to thinking about the idealization and the amazing ability to put on a mask for each woman. I mean THINK about it. It would be like "faking" love for someone right from the get go, talking yourself into the lies you tell, how could that possibly LAST? Well, that's why it doesn't. Whenever I hear "He kept the mask on for years and years"..I wonder if it was that or that we just choose to be blinded, because it seems to me, with some rare exceptions, that the mask has actually been slipping for years, and when someone elaborates further on their stories, suddenly, they talk about what it was really like, all the emotional abuse, lies manipulations, silent treatments, rages and on and on and on..... Mine was also hugely alcoholic. He was looking for someone to drink with as well. I didn't want to partake anymore. I wanted to be healthy, he did not. He was happy just as he was. Another thing that has dawned on me is that he tired of everything after awhile. Mine was a hoarder. HIs shop was full of shit. He would buy things and never wear them. He had knee jerk reactions to purchases and was forever on craigslist buying stuff. Even while in massive debt. he was about to lose his house, well, not with her there to pay the bills. But all of that is fleeting. ONce he gets everything out of her that he can, it won't be fun anymore. He buys things and gets bored with it. He gets bored with people and if she's an alcoholic, after a time, it will be the Jerry Springer show over there. God help the children. It's funny, I think I miss him, then I write all of this out and I'm so glad to be out. Strange. Anyway Soaper, your exN will tire of this too. Has anyone here noticed that there is a timeline to when the mask starts to slip? I remember the first time i saw it in the intimate part of our relationship, but I also saw it slip with others too before then. I wish I had been paying attention. Soaper, I won't go into great detail to my pathological upbringing but it was a nightmare, I assure you. I think it's truly a miracle to be able to recognize it for what it is and do something about it. For this I am so grateful. I'm totally NC with my bio fam and have been for two years. ExN was the last of the toxins to go in my life. BTW, Soaper, the link you put up to this house...is about one mile from where I am located.

#5 Jul 29 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

SoaperGirl

Now I'm really tickled -It's a small world after all!

"BTW, Soaper, the link you put up to this house...is about one mile from where I am located." Small world! I'm sitting here chuckling at the thought of you being so close to his home. (or what used to be.) I don't know if you realize it or not, but there's some really good-looking guys around there! I wish the pickings were as good here. Nearly six months out now, I think I'm ready to try again. I've done a lot of thinking, reading, healing..I've gotten several emails from interested men. I'm not afraid anymore. While it's hard to really wish pain and suffering on his new OW, because pathologicals do tend to target trusting and trustworthy women, there is this really nasty part of my soul that wants his real self to come out and play. I know he will, and is probably already starting to do so. I believe they got together in February, just before he D&Ded me, around six months ago. They say the "honeymoon" period of a new relationship tends to last around three months, and people in ALL relationships start to become disappointed around four months into a relationship. I've been told that when the narc moves into her place (he did so in early May) he was going to give her Hell because the mask comes off quicker, and you see who they are faster by living together. I appreciate your insights so much! You've been a big help to me! I keep reading that with narcs (and I've seen it in my own) they get bored with everything quickly..be it people, places, activities etc. and unless the pathology changes, that this is another relationship hard-wired for destruction as soon as he gets what he wants from her. He's already bragged she told him she trusts him! It is a big, huge mistake on our part to trust a man early on before we know his character. We need to make them EARN our trust, and not let them rush us into anything. We have to maintain our own boundaries. I didn't I'm ashamed to say, but we live and learn!

#6 Jul 29 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Sunafterrain

Soaper LOL

Um, no, I don't really care to look LOL! You must not live near here. I wonder if it's the empty house I'm thinking of on that street. I know a family that lives there and many years ago we lived in some townhouses on that street, SMALL WORLD! I'm glad I could help. They do get bored with everything quickly. My exN's colors showed just prior to his second marriage, and she had doubts. But he went to her MOTHER and they all had a talk. This time, he wasn't going to wait for ANY doubts out of this one. Poor thang. I think you're right, once they start living together it's pretty much a done deal. Its interesting that some narcs can keep the mask in place for awhile after marriage, but some are so narcy and arrogant it comes off immediately after. It's the power they love, the new control they believe they have. I think mine will be nice to her for awhile because of the debt, but then again I have trouble believing that his little temper tantrums, and acting out would change at all. She knows nothing about his past either, nor about his ten year affair with me. Wonder if she'll ever know. It will be a devastating time for her once the lies start to surface. It always is. It was for me too. It will be for yours too, Soaper. I just pray for her. That seems to help me a bit. Sounds to me that you're becoming stronger and healthier. GOOD JOB!

#7 Jul 29 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

SoaperGirl

Nope, I've never been there & the problem of NC

Maybe I should feel differently, but I feel my narc's OW has been duped as much as I was, maybe more so since I wasn't so convenient for him to get his hands (hooks into) on to manipulate and use. I still have a problem with NC. Yes he maintains NC with no problem, silent treatment big time..I'm not as able to, but on the other hand, when I break NC, it's to insult, mock and ridicule him knowing he's vulnerable to narcissistic injury and highly sensitive to criticismn. There's still a part of me that would like to hurt the bastard - but I'm slowing getting past all that! Now I just want to have fun making fun at his expense! hahaha. I agree that when the lies start to surface and can no longer be easily explained away, as he grows nastier and ever more bad tempered with the OW, she may never recover from the damage of having her trust in him destroyed. It was bad enough for me, but at least I had inner resources that made me get up and fight like a grizzly bear! The OW impresses me as being even more gullible and trusting than I was! JMO. I'm a survivor and even thriver! All in insticts tell me this man is out to competely destroy her and take her for everrything he can get, and she won't get anything back but pain and heartache for being so loving and giving to him! Thank you for all your kind and generous comments. I've loved reading them!

#8 Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

Sunafterrain

ohhhhhhhhhh boy!

I think I know which house. Yes, it's vacant. Do you have kids? Wow, SMALL WORLD! How old is your ex? Mine is 49. He wanted to snare his victim before 50. bastard. But he's a conniving evil little conman! With all I've seen of him the past ten years, I find it absolutely amazing that he could get any supply at all. And I'm serious! He is an infant when it comes to relatoinships and a MAJOR hypochondriac, migraines, stomach aches, feigned heart attacks, you name it, that's his issue! One of the things that use to hurt me SO badly, but is now SO FUNNY, is that if you scraped silverwear on a plate, the man would plaster his hands to his ears and LITERALLY run out the front door!!! I couldn't cook a meal for him without this happening towards the end! I wonder now if that was fake, but I have a tendency to think that it was not. A small cut was a MAJOR event. He acted like one of my children when they were little if they got a cut, EVERYTHING was over the top when it came to physical issues. Has anyone else experienced this? When he was sick he wanted to be absolutely left alone. When he was married, he had a separate bedroom from his wife. When he got sick he would go in there and shut the door, not to be disturbed. he struck me as so fragmented in so many many ways.......like he couldn't complete anything he started, or would start something and be frantic, it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen or experienced. Also he was media addicted. TV's EVERYWHERE. All he wanted to do was lie around and watch movies or football. Now i'm a HUGE football fan and love watching it too, but there was more to life than that? When he held me during the games on the couch or in his room, it was like being cuddled by a board. He was so stiff (no, bodily, not the other)! So many things tell me this man was so Sociopathic/narc it's not even funny, yet I keep projecting healthy into his life. He knew the words, he could tell me what healthy looked like, but it was different in actions. I am absolutely positive, without a doubt that new wife doesn't have a CLUE...or maybe she will soon....if i could just get it through my head that pathology is pathology and it can't change....because those times that I recgonize it for what it is, brings relief and release....the times I deny it, which is for the most part, and project my fantasy of health into this new marriage, the pathology falls apart....it is so very very frustrating........

#9 Aug 3 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

SoaperGirl

"He was so stiff" LOL- I'm still trying figure it all out

That gave me a chuckle. Thank you for the laugh. To my knowledge there's only one house on that street that's for sale, and it's the narc's. He's 66 years old. So we're likely thinking of the same house. I've been reading a lot this morning what it's like getting back with the spath. No, despite the occasional a fantasy that things could be different, I'm very mindful that reconcilation would be a huge mistake, assuming my narc was out of his present relationship and available. I've been of a different mindset the last few days...I'm eager to leave the narc in the past...no, i don't want a reconcilation. Too many mental and emotional problems to deal with. I'm trying to think how I might move ahead and find a new "normal" guy in my life, and I don't think an internet dating site is the answer for me. So many things, I just don't know about right now. I guess you could say, I'm still trying figure it all out.

#10 Jul 29 - 10AM (Reply to #4)

fragile

The Money Issue

Yes, the narc I am now having no contact with, had a buyout of $80,000 to retire with and he blew it all away in a year. I could have lived off it for the erst of my life, and would have helped him establish himself... but he decided to cheat on me and when he first bought the house- he showed it to a new "flame", an older woman whom he dated for a year. When he came back to me, she had thrown him out and he was into another woman, now that I took him back, he is trying out the other woman whom he also had met... in the meanwhile he sold his house back to his sister who bought him out, so he could have a little money, and he moved into a cheap retirement home... I feel sorry for all the regular retirees, because he is a con man, he doesn't need any money, his ex-wife and sister and everyone else gives him pocket money. He occasionally lives with his ex-wife (rich) and his sister (filthy rich)- so he is never going broke anyway. He never wanted to have a life... he has three kids (!) He claims to be a loser and I believe him now.

#11 Jul 29 - 10AM (Reply to #5)

SoaperGirl

He claims to be a loser and I believe him now.

I got tickled by your last line. It was hilarious! ROFLMAO. "He claims to be a loser and I believe him now." Man, aren't they all! LOL

#12 Jul 29 - 10AM

SoaperGirl

Sunafterrain, Thank you for sharing your story

I'll admit I don't do married men as matter of principle. However, I do realize I'm nobody to be sticking my nose up in the air and judging others, and I wouldn't want to either. You've shown enormous courage in sharing your story with us. Thank you so much! You are an amazing woman! I've done too many wrong things myself to be getting all high and mighty. I'm sure we've all done things we regretted later. Narcs hurt everyone, and there's so much pain in what you've shared my heart goes out to you. I'm grateful to you, for taking the chance in opening up and sharing with us. Nobody wins with a narc. I'm sorry Sunafterrain for what you've been through with him. I think I was the madonna with my narc or something. But he hurt me badly nonetheless, so I feel for you! http://soapergirl.blogspot.com/ I've wondered a lot about my narc and his new OW. I've wondered since she has a lot more money, expensive land and property & successful business, if she was being treated better or for now long. I have so many unanswered questions, and have no way of finding out the truth other than what other women say they've been through. I guess I've fared reasonably well myself. I usually don't tend to stick around long when a man abuses me. My relationship with my narc was an LDR, and lasted 14 months, so I'm sure I got spared a lot of abuse as he wore his mask pretty much of the time with only a few exceptions only taking it off at the end after he'd secured his OW and had no further use for me. Still though, it's all painful and humiliating. You are my sister now. All OW are my sisters. As far as my narc's OW, I don't hate her either. She's just his latest victim, a meal ticket or object for him to use, abuse and then throw away once he's gotten everything from her he wants. None of us win!

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews