Recovering Suzie's Story

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#1 Jul 22 - 9AM
Recovering Suzie
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Recovering Suzie's Story

I’ve been coming to this board for awhile; finally I’ve decided to post my story.

I was married for nearly 23 years. I met my husband in high school, he was 16 and I was 15. We had a good friendship with undercurrents of attraction. We never got together then because, as vain as it sounds, there was no way I was confident enough in HS to date a boy who was shorter and thinner than I was. He was very short and thin and I was a little on the tall side and voluptuous. Within months of graduation he enlisted in the military and was gone the very next day. We developed a Long Distance Relationship that turned into a whirl-wind romance, we were married and living together overseas in no time flat.

The early years were amazing. So much in love, tons of sex; we would stay up all night talking about everything. He loved everything about me; I was perfect and could do no wrong. We spent every possible minute together and shared every part of our life. Our relationship seemed so intimate. To this day, I still believe that it was. I KNOW that in those early days he shared truths with me and tried to open and intimate with me.

Very early in the marriage we decided to have a child. We felt that we were so happy and so much in love that we NEEDED a child to share all of that love with. We were so poor at the time that I had to nurse our son because we couldn’t afford formula. We had some growing pains starting a family, but not much. There was a little jealously on hubby’s part to have to share me with our son, but nothing seemed too inappropriate. He loved our son, doted on him and worked very hard to provide for us all.

Hubby’s Dad was definitely a narcissist. He was childish, petulant and completely self-absorbed. A Sexton in his church, he used that position to establish his reputation in the community. His wife was an excellent source of supply. With the approximate emotional age of a 12 –year old, she lavished him with constant praise and adoration. He was consistently inappropriate with innuendos and outright disgusting comments. He hounded women and whored-out his wife. My husband was never good enough for his Dad; nothing made Dad proud – but Dad would bask in the praise that others offered for his son.

I did notice some weird traits early in our marriage. Hubby resented Mother’s Day. He hated to do anything to celebrate the day for me. It was really weird because he LOVED Fathers day. He was crazy about his birthday and so easily disappointed if things didn’t go perfectly on that day. The thing that bothered me the most in the early years was that he consistently turned me down when I initiated sex. I remember we had only been living together a short time after marriage when I recognized this. I would initiate, he would turn me down, and then 10 mins later he would initiate. It was crazy. So, I screwed up my courage and discussed it with him; letting him know that if this continued eventually I would lose the courage to initiate in the future. He apologized profusely and things got better for a very short time and then they went right back to the way they were. This continued throughout the marriage and yes, eventually I completely stopped initiating.

He was controlling, he did make most of the major decisions in our life, he suffocated me with love and attention and sometimes I would want to scream from the constant affection and touching. On the surface he was a good husband and we had a seemingly happy marriage for many years. If fact, we were thought of as the ‘ideal couple’; so much in love. The lies, the manipulation, the sonic dissonance started so subtly, lasted so long, molded me into a perfect form of supply.

Things really started to change about 10 years ago when his dad died. We had taken a posting closer to home to help his parents through his dad’s terminal illness. As his dad was reaching the end, hubby applied for an overseas posting. This seemed outrageous to me and I counseled hubby against. Anyway dad died, we cleaned up the mess and were on our way overseas within a few months. That’s when the anger started to show. He began hating everyone, judging everyone. It was uncomfortable, but not constant. He seemed a little selfish and self absorbed, but I attributed it to his grief. Eventually his anger got him in trouble professionally. We worked together to mitigate the damage to his career. By the time we left that posting we had erased all damage he’d done to his reputation and he was poised for promotion.

When we arrived back in the USA, the anger became unbearable. No one was good enough, no one lived up to HIS standard; especially not our teen-aged son. I spent a great deal of time trying to keep the peace while still providing a united parental front. I was now working full-time in a professional job. Hubby had almost completely stopped helping around the house. I couldn’t get him to go out anywhere, particularly not with other people. On the occasions when we would go out he would often have anxiety attacks. I was exhausted; working full time, taking care of all of the household chores and child rearing left me with nothing. I found his demeanor of superiority and entitlement deplorable. I was quickly losing respect. Our sex life dwindled.

I had experienced a period before returning to the USA in which I completely lost interest in intimacy. I don’t know what caused my lack of interest; hubby suggested I see a doctor but I refused. The thought of going to a doctor for a diminished libido seemed horrifying to me at the time. I should have taken his advice, I didn’t but eventually, my interest returned. Things didn’t return to honeymoon levels but we were being intimate at least a few times a week.

Our son was just beginning High School, and experiencing some serious angst. New town, new school, puberty, it was more than he could take. My husband reacted to everything with extreme anger. The more difficult our some became to ‘control’ the worse things got. My life became a cycle of long hours at work and longer hours at home, keeping the house, preparing the meals, repairing his ego and trying to keep the peace. I was exhausted, unhealthy and kept packing on the pounds. I felt and that I was the only rational adult living in my home.

In November of 2006 (my son’s senior year n HS) hubby went away for 6-weeks of schooling. While there he found a twice married, child abandoning, bleach blond, retail employee on the internet and unknown to me, had a short-lived affair. He came home and things returned to normal. We took our first big family vacation (booked, bought and paid for by me in an attempt to help us focus on enjoying our lives and success) he was still difficult and distant. He said he was depressed about work, nothing to do with us, but that he might like to start hiking; would I like to join him? Of course I would, but (I was fat) we’d need to start local to build my fitness and stamina. He tried to schedule 2 hikes with me BOTH days were, cold, pouring rain, AND the heaviest and sickest days of my menstrual cycle. Fortunately for him, he found a hiking club – based 100’s of miles away – that schedules overnight back packing trips along (get this) the Appalachian trail. So my out of shape husband who hasn’t’ camped or hiked in 20 years and I go shopping on my dime and equip him with the best hiking boots, socks, back pack etc… even my son gets in on it and gifts him with some cool gear. Then as he’s preparing to leave I learn that he is concerned that he doesn’t have enough cash to pay the membership fee… so what do I do? I come up with a few hundred to make sure he is good to go – and off he goes. Of course, no cell coverage in the Appalachian so once he rendezvous we are out of touch for several days.

If you haven’t guessed it, yes he had rekindled with his white trash girlfriend, took my cash and got a room in a couples resort in the Poconos that he and I have frequented together. He began an interstate affair that continued for the next 18 months. He gave her a fake name (to start) told her he was divorced and deploying to Iraq. For more than a year he pretended to be stationed in Iraq. How she believed he could be deployed and still manage to send her 1,400 text messages in a single day AND visit her monthly is beyond my scope of reasoning, but he was a good liar. He made even the most impossible stories seem possible. She’d never had a man treat here well; tell her she was worthwhile and beautiful. He was such a nice guy, her white knight, her savior.

I knew something was going on strongly suspected (knew) he was cheating but I couldn’t find the proof. I was so tired from doing EVERYTHING, including taking care of my poor depressed husband; I became too tired to even look for the proof. By the time I found the proof, they were engaged (ring and all) he’d run up $10K in credit card debt, and had her looking for a house to purchase in her home state. He was long overdue to return from deployment and was having a hard time putting her off further. No wonder he FINALLY left his phone home unguarded. He was running out of time and options, something had to give, he needed a catalyst for change. He needed me to fix things.

Not only was his phone left unguarded, but it was also logged into his secret email account which contained 18 months of emails (including some very personal photos) with his girlfriend. I finally had proof. I spendtthat entire night on the bathroom floor reading those emails and forwarding photos to my account. He left for work, I went to my computer and emailed the GF. Gave her the ‘truth’ he is married, never divorced, never deployed, everything is a lie. I didn’t want anything from her, just wanted to give her fair warning before he had the chance to run damage control. Of course she went directly to him. It had all now hit the fan.

The next two years were filled with counseling sessions and lies. He swore he ended the relationship, but weeks later I found it to be untrue. He’d had a secret phone for a year – he still had it and had continued their relationship telling her that I lied, I just wanted more alimony! I made him chose, he chose me and us. We each had our own counselor plus we shared a marriage counselor. For nearly two years we struggled (well I struggled) worked on our relationship. All the while we kept the affair a ‘secret’ we only shared it with our son (on my insistence). Eventually he convinced me we should buy a house together. Prices were so low, interest rates were good, I didn’t plan to leave the area, and neither did our son. He promised that if things didn’t work out he would pay the mortgage. I relented, we purchased. Things got worse. He scheduled his retirement, we had a ceremony and a party.

Just a few weeks later, he disappeared, didn’t come home when he was supposed to. Stood me up for a running date. No word. I called his counselor to ask if he thought hubby would hurt himself or if he might have run off to be with the gf. Nope, didn’t seem like he would. Hubby had said he would be our son’s designated driver that night so I had to step in…. dropped him off, stopped at the store, bought some shoes, on the way home I received a collect call from a correctional institution. I was having phone problems and couldn’t really make out what he was saying, but it was hubby – something about internet crime. I pulled into my driveway to find police in and around my house. They had a search warrant. Police were searching my home. God did I have to pee. Please can’t I just go in and pee – no, I have to wait for the detective. Ok, I can pee now, but they have to walk me to the bathroom, fine, just glad to pee. So what’s going on? He was arrested in a sting for agreeing meet a 15 year old girl he’d met on the internet for sex. You don’t seem surprised Ma’am. Well no, I’m not, nothing can surprise me anymore. Ok, so you’re taking all of my computer and camera equipment and my son’s too. Oh… yeah my son, I’m his DD, he’s going to call for a pickup, and I will have to leave. Oh, you found contraband in my son’s room, but you can’t tell me if there will be charges filed, because you are from a different county. Ok, how can I find out, when will I know, I have to take care of my son now. Ok, so you are sure they will be keeping hubby over night, right. Ok. I’ll sign the receipt for the stuff you are taking. That’s my son on the phone; I have to go get him now. The bar is closing. Please make this quick, thank you for your card. What’s going to happen now? You’ll be in touch. Ok. Thanks for your card. Yes, OSI agent, thank you for your card too

Driving to pick up my slightly inebriated adult son to tell him Dad is in jail, his computer is gone, and so is his contraband, AND the local police may come looking for him next. House is a mess, son heads for the hills, phone rings hubby wants to come home…. I let him. Where else is he supposed to go?

This is it for me. It is over, I’m done. Whatever feelings for or illusions about this guy I had left are dead now. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am REQUIRED to report any police contact with my employer. The next day, I go to work (I’d only been working there for2-1/2 months!) and tell my boss the whole sordid story.

I start telling everyone. I call my family. Other than my sister, none of my family knows anything other than that my husband is the sweetest, must upstanding and awesome man in the world. Over and over again, I shock, dismay and confuse people with the story. I feel like an angel of death, destroying faith, and perception; causing people to doubt themselves and their grip on reality. I don’t know how I’m going to survive.

He stays in the house even in our bed for awhile. I just don’t know how to extricate myself. I know it’s going to end but I don’t know how. His mask has slipped and the world is seeing his true self. I just want him gone. I am exhausted and don’t even care about the public humiliation. I just want him gone. First is the arraignment. He can stay till he’s arraigned and we have some idea what is going to happen. I’ve retained a divorce lawyer, we are working on a separation agreement. Hubby agrees to give me everything I ask for. First the arraignment, then we sign the agreement and then he is to move out.

He doesn’t want me at the arraignment. I don’t care, but my family does, they are in shock, they need to hear what he’s being charged with. My sister and brother come to town the night before; just the three of us go out, dinner, drinks and laughter. A break, a release.

The next morning I wake him. He’s on the couch, although I insisted he move out ofour room weeks ago, he still refuses to sleep in the guest room, he sleeps on the couch night after night. I wish him luck and ask again if he’d like me to go with him. He declines. I kiss his forehead and head out the door, feeling a little lighter, and a little closer to freedom. He texts me during my bus ride in to work. I was no longer in the habit of returning his texts, but he said he was scared, so I made an exception and offered a few kind words, I know it must be almost over, can’t get any worse. His texts stop abruptly, I get to work, start up my computer put on the coffee…. Oops no milk, run downstairs to the store for some. Finally, at my desk check my email and see a text from hubby sent there.
“i cant do this...too much....have someone go to shed....im sorry”

Sounds like a suicide note to me…. My coworker asks what’s up with the coffee; I’d fixed the pot but not started it. I say “sorry, I think my husband just sent me a suicide note, does this look like a suicide note to you?” Coworker takes a knee at my side and doesn’t leave till it’s over – he’s a Marine. How lucky am I to have a Marine around when I need one.

Call the police, they send a car to the house. Call my son who’s sleeping in his room in the basement. Warn him, police are on their way, I think Dad may have hurt himself, when they arrive please let them in so they don’t have to break in…. Please, please, don’t go to the shed. “OK don’t worry Mom, I don’t want to go to the shed” The police are there, great, I’ll stay on the line with you. Your Aunt and uncle are on their way. Yes, I’ll speak to the officer. Yes, they confirmed he is hanged in the shed. Ok, I’m on my way, can I talk to my son please? Ok baby, I’m coming; I’ll catch the next train.

My boss won’t let me take the train, a coworker drives me. We make record time I arrive just as my siblings do.

It’s ‘over’ and it’s just beginning. April 29 2010. So many lies, my whole life, nothing makes sense.

I’m a grieving widow AND a scorned wife.

Aug 13 - 7PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Horrific Story

I don't know how you made it through all of this. This reminds me a bit of the Craig's List Killer in Boston. He committed suicide in the jail. On the day which would have been his first wedding anniversary (had he not been arrested for murdering a prostitute shortly before the wedding). On the wall of the cell, in his own blood, he scrawled a note to his former fiancee. They commit suicide because they have reached end game. They can no longer lie or manipulate their way out. They are unmasked. And the system has the evidence to lock them up for a long time. They are no longer in control & cannot bear it. Life is not worth living anymore if they are not in control with the mask of respectability. And they seem to have to take the others with them. Sending texts & leaving notes. Manipulating others. Trying to make them feel guilty. Taking one's life is the ultimate decision. The ultimate control. Nobody can be held responsible for this decision. YOU did nothing that he was attempting to escape from. (For example, in the concentration camps some prisoners committed suicide because the abuse & the impossibility of escape in many ways left no other way out.) Your husband could not face the mess that he had made of everything. The police action and the criminal process was all his fault. he could not blame anybody but himself. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty for one second. Take care of that son of your's. What a trauma this must be for him. So sorry for your troubles.
Aug 3 - 11PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Suz

First, your story was riveting. Oh honey, honey, honey. But is there any chance he could have just bee a misognyst womanizer anot a Narc? But that 15 year old kid thing...yeah.. The Pokey? Can't seem to just doesn't seem like it fits. The N Mask usually begins to fall fairly early. It sounded you had a pretty good first 10 togother You havd such tremendous loss and berayal in your lif. I will pray for you. xx Rose
Jul 25 - 7AM
Recovering Suzie
Recovering Suzie's picture

I’m surprised

by how good it feels to share my story on this forum. Even in the abbreviated version, you guys ‘get it.’ I am very fortunate in that I have a strong support system in both friends and family. Once I let my walls down, stopped covering up and let the people who truly care for me back fully into my life, no one disappointed me. I can’t say that they understand, but they are supportive. And amazingly, I’ve had very little fall-out regarding his arrest. I expected to be judged a little more harshly than I have been. I am fortunate in that his arrest freed me; it finally broke the spell and released me (for the most part) from my feelings of obligation, responsibility and love for him. I wish for everyone on this forum to experience that moment, where the love for you narc just dies. That’s not to say that I don’t still second guess myself. I struggle with feelings of guilt – how could I not? I think he took his life because he couldn’t bare the world seeing him unmasked, he couldn’t face even the arraignment. My son believes his Dad’s final act was a misguided act of love designed to take care of him, both financially and emotionally. I can’t help but wonder some days if I had stood by him and promised to stay with him that he might still be here. I don’t think he deserved to die, but I don’t think I ever would have been free of him if he hadn’t. Having gotten married at 19, I am now on my own for the first time ever. I cannot believe how my life has changed. I’m working to overcome my anxiety about driving. Although I avoid highways, I manage to get myself everywhere I need to go - eventually. My home and my life are now both completely open. No secrets, not petty jealousy, no unwarranted anger, no degradation, no manipulation. I run and regularly practice yoga, even let my current BF teach me to rappel – to hell with my fear of heights. Yes, against conventional wisdom I threw myself immediately into the dating pool. I was not looking for love, just wondering if I could have a healthy normal relationship. My husband had been my only lover and I needed to find out if I was so damaged that I couldn’t ever have another lover. Apparently I’m not. I’m also not quite able to have a completely whole relationship, but I’m with a man who is patient and willing to take whatever I can give. As Imagonner said nothing shocks me these days either, but I think that’s a good thing. Shock paralyzes and renders us useless. I’ve spent too many years, stuck, immovable and useless to everyone but my narc. Seems now that I finally posted, I can’t stop typing. Oops
Jul 26 - 4AM (Reply to #13)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

Don't worry about how much

Don't worry about how much you type... I think it's healthy for you to do so... and healthy for others to read it. I find your story and your reply encouraging. You just endured a lifetime of craziness and you survived! You are moving on and healing. Sometimes we need to see that others can accomplish what we desire in order to kick us in the butt. It tells me "Hey girl, you didn't endure as much as this woman... if she can do it, YOU CAN!" Thank-you for sharing with us.
Jul 24 - 3PM
Giggles
Giggles's picture

so sorry

I'm so sorry for everything that you and your son have gone through. I truly hope you will move forward and find peace and happiness. You are an amazing and strong woman! God bless you.
Jul 24 - 9AM
Gullable1
Gullable1's picture

Recovering

Oh my, this is the truly tragic, I am crying in my coffee this morning reading your story. I wish I could post something so profound and insightful to ease your mind. I will say I hope this horrible thing doesn't define who you are for the rest of your life. I hope and pray your getting much needed help and support, and can be the best you can possibly be for your son. This selfish act is what many of us fear, I'm so sorry your living this seemingly endless nightmare.
Jul 24 - 9AM
imagonner
imagonner's picture

You are such a strong woman!

Suzie, you have amazing inner strength. I hope and pray that you have a good support system of friends and family now that your reality is out there for all to know. I wasn't shocked by any of your story because nothing shocks me these days....but I am deeply saddened for you and your son. For your loss. For your losses. For 23 years of challenge, confusion, emotional isolation. For the challenges that lie ahead. Stay strong!
Jul 23 - 8PM
strongblackcoffee
strongblackcoffee's picture

Suzie

Thoughts, prayers, and hugs. Coffee
Jul 23 - 12PM
Recovering Suzie
Recovering Suzie's picture

Thank you

for all of the comments. It is so comforting it is to hear someone say my story is horrible. Sometimes I'm afraid that it wasn't really all that bad and then other times I'm afraid because I know it was even worse. I've been coming here and reading your stories for a long while. Feels good to begin to get mine out there too. Suzie
Aug 3 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Suzie, your story is

Suzie, your story is horrible. I am very happy for you that you were able to get it out. Felt the same last night when typing mine: The doubt - Was it really that bad, or am I exaggerating; and the relief to get it out, realizing that getting it out and sharing it takes the shame away. And feeling that this is a place where we can trust, trust to be understood. And yes, our stories are so much worse than we can describe in words. You were 'dumped' by your husband in the cruelest of all ways, and I hope you and your son can overcome this and you can keep on healing with the understanding BF you have now. I wish you the best - my heart goes out to you.
Jul 22 - 5PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Susie, Please accept my

Susie, Please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss you and your son have suffered. This is a horrible story, one I can barely wrap my head around. Your hubby was obviously a very lost soul and for all of you to have to live through all of that is just so painful. Where do you go from here? How do you start the healing? I hope you and your son have sought counciling. It will help immensely. I am so glad you found this forum and shared your story. Please know that we are all here for you and sympathy with the grief that you and your son is experiencing. With deepest sympathies......
Jul 22 - 12PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Oh God!

That is a horrific story! I feel terrible for all you've been through. What was wrong with that man? I just don't understand. My story is similar in that we were teenagers together, stayed together forever. But the lies and deception were there from the beginning. He was a Narc from the day I met him but was just too young and inexperienced to notice. And we had 5 daughters together!! (What have I done! What am I teaching these girls about men!) I have wished many times for him to stop the abuse, stop the drama, stop the lies. But the way you're story ends is devastating. It's the most selfish act to take you're own life. You're poor son. I'm so sorry. Maybe I should watch what I wish for.
Jul 22 - 11AM
.brokenglass.
.brokenglass.'s picture

Bless your heart..Suzie

I am so sorry for you and your son, I can't imagine what you felt or feel now. Your story gave me chills literally, may God comfort you & your story be a blessing to others.
Jul 22 - 10AM
Reddley
Reddley's picture

Glad you've found us.

I only had to deal with a few months of crap from my ex N and I am still very crazy over it. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. My heart goes out to you.
Jul 22 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

omg...i am so sorry for your

omg...i am so sorry for your grief and sorrow, this forum is the place to need to be,to get some sort of understanding of it all.....welcome to you...