Anna's Story

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#1 Jul 19 - 9PM
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

Anna's Story

Hello all,

I just joined this site and I wanted to let everyone know how much your stories have helped me. I want to share my story and see if any of you can relate.

I met my exN on a dating site two years ago, but we also happened to work at the same large corporation. I wasn't immediately into him but he was persistent so I gave it a go. As time progressed and we became intimate, I felt more of a connection. Few red flags, but not enough to get out: His texts (oh, and he would ONLY text and email.. he didn't like the phone!!!) would be a bit "rote" such as "To be here now with you , looking at the stars, would be perfection.." Seriously, who talks like that??? Maybe he heard it in a movie perhaps...

Our first major fight was regarding the fact he never wanted to call me....probably because it was too intimate for him. I became so used to it that I became totally accustomed to texting and emailing. On average he would
text and email me 50-70 times a was outrageous but I got used to it. Looking back, I realize it was ALL about control, not about closeness. My mistake!!!

So, there were plenty of good times of course....we played lots of sports together and attended many social events. At the same time, he became increasingly sarcastic and was always sugar coated with "Oh, you are can handle it, etc.." I just let it roll off my back. In the two and a half years we were together, he broke up with me 3 times (the fourth was the last and final). Each time was some lame reason that he usually made bigger than it was....making assumptions not based on reality. I always took him back because I thought things would be different, like he would change based on the fact he had "missed me so much". How ridiculous!!!!

I had a unique opportunity at the beginning of the relationship that I didn't take advantage of. My girlfriend at work knew the N's ex-GF. She gave me her name and showed me her pic on MySpace etc....One day I decided to read her blogs (why it took me so long to check this out is beyond me...) I was blown away by her entries. She wrote about their many, many breakups in such detail that it was obvious I was living her life....NOTHING changes with these people.....The exGF wrote of the promises he broke and the lies he told....and promised a ring, just like he did with me!!! It was as if God had said "Here....please be warned by this...."

So, I at this point I have him "figured out".....and you could tell he knew it.....He started to become more emotionally more abusive....attached, suddenly detached....DEFINITELY rageful....getting mad from 0 to 60 over stupid things, constant projections....

So it finally ended June 25th!!! One week prior, I had the nerve (imagine that!!) to stand up for myself and ask if we could spend more time doing things I wanted to do. Well, after a week of receiving the silent treatment from him, I told him it was over, blocked him from FB, and told him we couldn't be friends. He really couldn't understand why not.....they really don't ever get it, do they????

So, it has been about 3 weeks of NC and I'm better than ever.....seeing things more clearly and learning from all of your experiences. Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories and insights!!!! Hugs to all!!!


Jul 21 - 6AM
Gerri's picture

Hi Anna

Sounds exactly the same as my storey. As I began to figure him out the greater the abuse, rages and general eery goings on. Towards the end he morphed into this eird guy who I didn't know. It was creepy. Me the same as you - have managed no contact for nearly two months - I said the exact same thing - better than ever. I was over him to some extent when I finished him - he made me cringe. I guess it's the coming to terms with the fact that somebody pulled the wool over your eyes not so much the person (this is the problem in my case) Did the same as you total block on Facebook and moved out within one day. Guess I was lucky in that I had no ties and somehwere to go. You sound like me - love it!! Great being strong isn't it! I've learnt that you have to fight through the hurt and rise above it. As I said in a previous post Some birds aren't meant to be caged - their feathers are just too bright xxxx
Jul 20 - 7PM
clover's picture

the silent treatment

Hi welcome. Yes, he sounds seductive, controlling, abusive and then the whole devalue and discard and the silent treatment. I can relate. Good you got out when you did and didn't marry him. He will probably try to come back. Be prepared. NC/NR if you can do it. No contact and No response. I have been no contact for a month and it is working so far. I blocked his phone calls and changed my email address. Unfortunately he knows where I live and has my work number. That said, he usually waits about 2 to 5 months before contacting me after a break up so I have some time. Stay strong!
Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

Well, he hasn't tried to come

Well, he hasn't tried to come back yet. It has been exactly a month. When I texted goodbye, don't contact me, he responded with "this isn't goodbye, it's see you later".......Kinda of creepy, eh?
Jul 20 - 12PM
spinning's picture

Better than ever, welcome

and thank you for sharing. It's amazing how textbook these guys are, isn't it? The control freaks, the rages the minute you begin to figure things out...what we get used to. Better, I am so glad that you did not waste more time with this person. I know you are early in NC, and you will continue to feel even better and better with the more NC time under your belt. I am 8.5 months out and my life is 400 percent better than I ever imagined and 1000 percent better than it ever was in the six years of hell I handed over to the disordered one. I am so glad you found this site and this excellent community of outstanding people. I hate that we all had to find this place, but love what happens once we get here. You will find all the support, knowledge, validation, compassion and humor you need to get through this and thrive. Thanks again for sharing, BTE. I am so glad you are truly Better Than Ever! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NO LONGER AN OPTION. THE SICK FREAK IS BACK IN THE ZOO WHERE HE BELONGS AND NOT IN MY HEAD.


Jul 20 - 12PM
Hunter's picture

Better than ever

Welcome, same guy different body ! Stay here with us, we're more fun than being Narced! Hunter
Jul 20 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

You are ABSOLUTELY right!!!!

You are ABSOLUTELY right!!!! : )
Jul 20 - 2AM
Littleone's picture

Welcome honey, and you go

Welcome honey, and you go girl!! NC really does bring things into perspective. It really does seem to be a sign that saw those blogs, how awesome to receive some validation! It will certainly clear any 'fog' that most of us have in the beginning.
Jul 20 - 1AM
dazed's picture

Welcome to your recovery.

Welcome to your recovery. 50-70 texts/emails a day? That is excessive but some of us have endured some kind of over the top overload in the beginning. Can be intoxicating, can't it? Anyway, that is a huge red flag of course. You sound like you have a good handle on things, going NC for 3 weeks already. It has been so important for me in getting better. Hope it continues for you.
Jul 20 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

Thank you

Thank you for the support.....I think the hardest part is the silence....I didn't realize how addicted I was to the situation, the chaos, the "excitement", which was really dysfunctional.
Jul 20 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
dazed's picture

The silence definitely hit me

The silence definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything with my N was chaos and drama. Didn't realize the extent until it was gone so suddenly with our breakup. I do miss the excitement and that overall alive feeling, though it was unhealthy and dysfunctional, as you say.
Jul 20 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
Better than ever
Better than ever's picture

Like most people, I'm looking

Like most people, I'm looking for a LTR. So although the chaos was somewhat exciting, it didn't have relationship potential....