Clover's story

I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I'm new to the site and cannot really tell where exactly to post my story.

Here goes...I met my narcissist on an online dating website. He emailed me and then the next day we met at a coffee shop and he decided almost immediately that I was "his". I had never been pursued like that before in my entire life. I had been married for 13 years and was separated/divorced for 1 1/2 years before my N came into my life.

Anyway, my N decided that I was "the one" almost immediately. He is a very good looking alpha male. Very charismatic. By his own admission, he has had "lots" of women in the past. He had been married and divorced twice before meeting me. I did not pay attention to any of the re flags related to the fact that he walked out on both ex wives. When I say walked out...I mean literally walked out. Like he picked up and left one day on each of them and they had no idea where he went. When he told me the stories about how his marriages ended, he had "good reasons" for each of the walk outs. He rationalized it well. I believed him. Some of it had to do with addiction issues which I tend to understand because I am in recovery (have been for 20 years). I gave him a pass figuring he was "better" now. In retrospect I see that he D&Dd both of his ex-wives. I wish I could talk to them and compare notes at this point!!

Anyway, we were together for about five months. He practically moved in with me and my kids. He mentioned marriage within the first few weeks we were together. I heard it all. You're the one for me...you are my true soul mate. I met you in the nick of time. Where were you 20 years ago? You are gorgeous. The verbal compliments were effusive. He was loving and attentive BUT I remember feeling like something wasn't quite right. I remember thinking that he and I don't really communicate. Like there was something missing. How he complimented me and how he behaved and communicated seemed SUPERFICIAL. I remember using that word when I talked to my friends about my concerns about the relationship. There was something that was not REAL about the relationship.

Also, despite the fact that he was so verbally complimentary, he never really did anything for me. He never asked me what I thought, what I felt, what I cared about. I started to feel like he didn't even really see ME. When I started to try to communicate with him on a more honest genuine level...that's when the trouble started. He didn't like that. I started to question whether he really knew me. I asked him if he talked to all the women he'd been with (all 60 that he had slept with in his 45 years including his two marriages-yes, I was stupid) this way. Like does he/did he compliment all the women he had been with like he complimented me? I remember the look on his face when I asked him that...he had been FOUND OUT! The look on his face was like a rabbit caught in a trap. I never saw that kind of "you got me" look on his face before and I never saw it after. He knew that I knew at that point. He didn't admit that he used the same effusive compliments and praise on his prior victims...he would never admit that..he only stated that he didn't tell ALL of them that they were "the one" like he did me.

At that point, I started to see what I had gotten myself into but I was hooked. It was too late. Over the first five months we were together, he progressively started to distance himself. He had hooked me in the beginning with great sex, promises of marriage, the true soul mate crap....but he started to get antsy and bored. He started the D&D process. The more real the relationship got and the more I agitated for something more genuine, more real...more realistic (real communication, working out conflicts, eye to eye connection) he got more and more evasive the more I pushed until finally one day in the middle of a conflict he walked out.

Not only did he walk out, but he refused to take my calls. He ignored me. It was like he killed me off. This turned out to be the most damaging thing anyone has ever done to me. For the next five months he refused to talk to me. I was dead to him. I went over to his sister's house and cried and asked what had happened, why he would not talk to me etc. She said that she didn't know what was wrong with him. I told her that I didn't understand how someone could just be so cruel to cut someone off that had been so instrumental in their life like that. I was so baffled and confused and hurt. It was really awful.

This treatment was the ultimate passive aggressive punishment that I have ever been the recipient of. True N behavior. He was punishing me for "rocking the boat" with him. If I would just keep my mouth shut and accept his N behavior everything would have been fine.

I pined away for him for five months. I still didn't recognize that I was a victim. I thought I had screwed the relationship up. I thought I had pushed him away by being demanding and angry. I begged him to come back. I put myself in anger management therapy!! Meanwhile, I have no anger management problems at this point in any other relationships in my life. I sent him emails saying I'd be better/do better.

Finally, after five months, he texted me. I was ecstatic. I met him and he offered a lame excuse for not responding to any of my calls and emails. He said that I had been "mean" to him and that he couldn't deal with that. I, like a fool took him back. Well, this time was different. He was verbally abusive. He was controlling. He wanted to just come over every two weeks or on the weekends for sex and that was it. If I didn't accept that, I would be "punished" with passive aggressive treatment, him not taking my calls, etc. I was not allowed to question his behavior at all. Things went down hill a lot faster this time. After about two months of this, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him I was not his whore and that I would not settle for this kind of a relationship (part-time, based on sex only/very superficial) He called me a bitch and a whore, hung up on me and once again "left me". I was not allowed to call or email. I was not allowed to tell him how I felt or the impact of his behavior on my life. I did anyway though (via email) and it enraged him. I got punished for all that once again. He went away for another three months.

Soon after we broke up this time, I found a key stroke logger on my home computer. I also had a sense that he had been in my emails. I don't know for sure that he had been looking through my communications and logging my keystrokes (reading everything I had written) but I am pretty sure it was him. Don't know who else it could be.

Now that i know about Ns, I realize this is common behavior. Well, when I found all that stuff, I wrote him a scathing email telling him to fuck off. How dare he try to control me, spy on me when he can't even stick around long enough to commit. I was so baffled and confused at that point. I thought I was going crazy. I was starting to feel suicidal at that point. He responded by telling me that I was crazy, that he didn't have anything to do with whatever was on my computer and to never contact him again.
Then he punished me again with the PA treatment. He refused to respond to any of my communications. At that point I realized it was pointless to even try to contact him too much. I knew what the drill was. I was so damaged at that point with his pattern of seduction, withdrawal, blame and then alienation of me (D&D). He had done it to me twice with little incidents in between just to show me he was boss.

Well, I STILL thought I was to blame. I STILL thought that maybe if I just got better, was nicer, was less angry, more tolerant....so after a few months, I asked him if he'd come back AGAIN! I sent him a few messages. I was distraught the whole time he was gone. After a few attempts, he finally responded and said he would come back. He always comes back as if nothing happened. We may mention something about what happened, but for the msot part I am not allowed to bring up past incidents. There is no tolerance for that on his part. He wants to act as if nothing happened. I have to accept it OR ELSE he will leave. I know what will happen. He had me trained at that point.

So he came back for the third time. He came in and took voe my life again. Once again, the drill started...I needed to dye my hair (blonder) I needed to work out more and lose about 10 pounds. He also thought that my oldest daughter (who despised him) probably needed to go live with my ex-husband full time!!! He tried to get rid of my daughter! Then the same old shit started he would ell me that I make a big deal out of everything. I am not allowed to talk about something beyond a certain amount of time. He told me I "ruin the day" with my attitude and negativity. Meanwhile, I am just a normal human being looking for a little bit of emotional support. I realize now that he is INCAPABLE of offering emotional support to anyone. Anyway, long story short, he decided one day that I need to "be quiet". I was so tired of the control, trying to be perfect, etc that I told him very calmly that I would not be quiet until I was ready to and that he would never make me be quiet ever. He got mad and walked out AGAIN!! THIRD TIME.

That was a month ago. I sent him a couple of emails telling him that I can't believe his treatment of me. I pointed out his pattern of behavior (seduction/withdrawal/devalue/discard) I told him that he had done it to me three times and that I know he has done it to many women in the past. I told him I would not be his victim EVER AGAIN. I told him he is emotionally abusive. I told him he had come into my life THREE times and destabilized my life, he posed a threat to my well being and that of my children. There were times when I thought I couldn't work over the last year and a half. There were times when I was suicidal. My kids suffered, my job suffered, I spent about $12,000 on him, feeding him, paying for his shit and paying for my therapy and lost wages when he was in my life. Anyway, he responded by telling me that I am crazy/have lost my mind and to leave him alone.

That was the last I heard of him. I KNOW he will try to return. I still have a small part of me that thinks I may really be his true soulmate and maybe I am actually the one for him. Maybe he would change for me. That is BS!!

I can't afford to do it again.
I initiated NC. I blocked his phone number, I killed/closed my old email account and opened a new one.

I am moving as soon as I can (a couple of months?) There has been NC for a month. He would likely wait three to five months before contacting me anyway, but I did all those things for me. So I am not looking to see if he has called, etc. I needed to break the addiction. I am fdoin okay. I do see how he is inhuman. I reflect on his utter lack of empathy. It is mind boggling. I actually couldn't believe his responses to thing at time. They were so inhuman. He has chip missing plain and simple. He was so cruel to me. I still can't believe that someone could act the way he has toward me.

It's really hard to get your mind around the control, abuse, de-valauation process. I see it all so clearly now. I am back in therapy and really want to sustain the NC until I feel like I am broken free from this vampire. It almost feels as if I have some kind of spell on me. His pull and control are unreal. I'm sure other people who have been through this know exactly what I mean.