Can someone explain this to me

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#1 Jul 3 - 12PM
TopGun
TopGun's picture

Can someone explain this to me

Hi All,
I am new on here and been reading the posts and I am just amazed at how everyones partner be it man or woman is almost exactly the same down to the phrases and actions. Anyway my question is this, I was dating my ex for 2 years and she did not have a full time job during that time except for a few part time ones which never lasted.
So needless to say she never had money to make the rent or cigarettes or her wine and in that time frame I lent her $9,000 dollars. At first I was just going to help till she got back on her feet but then she always said there was nothing out there but she would constantly tell me that I was trying to buy her and my response was this is the modern era and you pay things like rent, car break downs and what not with money so how in the world was I suppose to help if not with money, ROCKS or some other form of barter.
Not once did the person say thanx and after a while she even said even if we got into an argument That I started it so I didnt have to pay her bills, LOL.
Anyway she is about to get evicted because I will not pay anymore since January of this year but I felt sorry for her and told her that I would lend her 2000 dollars to see if that would stop her eviction, which it wouldnt since her landlord doesnt care if she pays in full, she has no job for the next payments.
I purposely made the checks out to the land lord so she couldnt cash them because I knew she would just spend it ,but when I wanted the money back she told me since I didnt make them out to her she wasnt giving the money back. Luckily for me I knew the manager of the bank and was able to get the money back since one was a cashiers check not just a personal check. She also said she was going to make me suffer like I made her suffer but she seemed to have forgotten that it was her son and his drug habit that caused her to have no income in the first place as he took the money and told her she was going to be homeless.
So anyway after helping this woman why would she say I am trying to buy her when I obviously am trying to help her stay in her place makes no sense. Her words were you have to do it naturally not with Money?

Jul 5 - 5PM
TopGun
TopGun's picture

read maybe it might make sense

Ladies I dont take crap either from anyone ,but if you both would just look at the time stamps I didnt try to continue this argument,seems to me before I responded with my comment after the fact, there was one made minutes before mine to scoop, so please read before you answer.
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #49)
sadlymistaken
sadlymistaken's picture

Wow

Just CONSIDER the fact that maybe there is even just a chance you are causing this. The fact that you can't and won't speaks volumes to your mental health. As for the time stamps, huh?? I posted to scoop, a moderator, only as a warning for others. I did not want anyone else to get slammed merely for extending kindness and understanding. You are the one who kept arguing no matter how kind I was, no matter how much I explained that I was only offering support and that YOU SHOULD DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR YOU. The fact that I ONLY felt sympathy and compassion for you, and extended this ONLY out of compassion and yet no matter what I say, you will only see this in combative, negative light is insanity. I was only trying to extend compassion! Period. And that is ALL I did. You ignored every single thing I said except a SINGLE sentence that does not tell you to leave! I tell you MAYBE you should find somewhere better (meaning better for YOU! Get it? I was only considering what might be best for YOU!) and when you take it wrong, I further explain that no, I wasn't at all telling you to leave. I told you that I only cared about justice and you should only do what you feel is best for you! And you STILL insist that I was passive-aggressively telling you to bug off and get off this site! Honestly, you are being nuts here. There is just zero basis for what your saying. It's completely in your own mind. I felt bad for you (WRONGLY!!). I was only telling you I care, don't let this all upset you, do what's best for you to heal! PERIOD. And in your mind you've turned me into your enemy from this...Just wow. You could not be more mistaken. Take this all to your therapist. Get an completely objective opinion. Continuing to discuss this with you when you clearly just want to "win" some imaginary battle created only by you is pointless. Your ex may have been messed-up, who knows. But you have shown that you ARE definitely messed-up and incapable of seeing any side other than the one you choose to. I'm out of this madness. And you're welcome for taking time out of my day (when I even told you I wasn't feeling well but I just couldn't stand to see someone unfairly attacked so I felt I needed to reach out-yep, I'm just so terrible!) to be so damn kind to you. You sure taught me a lesson. I wonder how many times you taught your poor ex the same lesson. Good luck to you and any of your future love interests...they will need it.
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #50)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

SM

I DO NOT CONSIDER YOU MY ENEMY, I just read what I see, and thats it .I dont think we have to take this any further, I apologize if it seems like that , I wish you no harm, I am here just to get answers and thats it, I am sorry I dont express myself as some others but I try to get my point across (ITS ONLY MY OPINION AND NOTHING MORE). I do not hold grudges of any kind so lets let it be.
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #51)
sadlymistaken
sadlymistaken's picture

You do not read clearly then.

You do not read clearly then. You took a single sentence and twisted it completely out of context. And even when I explained to you what I meant, you kept insisting to ignore my 50 other completely supportive sentences and make it negative. And when I asked you to stop writing me pm's, you continued. It's ALL you. This is not a misunderstanding. This is blatant denial of reality and truth. Insanity.
Jul 5 - 5PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

is it over

This site has been a lifeline to me, and so many others. I think its time to take down this whole thread. It has caused no end of upset to people who I have a lot of trust and respect for. I don't think its the swearing in the posts that's set people off. Goodness knows I've sworn much Worse! haven't we all. We do express anger here, yes thats what it is for. We let out the emotion and vent because the world doesnt understand the severe damage and PSTD caused by having a relationship with a Narc. We also encourage, care and be gentle with the small green shoots of hope growing. My discomfort echoed other people's here, in that I felt a condesending tone and definite disregard for others feelings and a measure of control. Secondly when our opinions were referred to as "a lynch mob" by gettinbetter that crossed the line. I also do not want to be attacked personally and told that some of my past posts were angry. Of course they are angry, read every persons story on here. We all have anger. This is not a tea party. It is a trust circle of support and care and love. This thread has gone a long way to destroying that. I hope it ends.
Jul 5 - 5PM (Reply to #47)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yeah whatever look who is

yeah whatever look who is starting again. So I crossed the line do you want me banned or what. go ahead Im on the other side. But it seems that it is ok for you to attack whom ever you want whenever you want and no one should say anything to you. I simply ask the guy be given a fair shake and public trial wasnt fair. I dont need this shit from you. Several other memebers pm'd me that they appreciated me being the voice of reason. So go on being miserable it should serve you well. I dont post much here anymore as I have done what it takes to get to the other side. I am no longer wallowing around in the victimhood that I was doing months ago. I finally realized I had a problem and I did something about it. Period. I am happy to say for once in my life I dont take shit off anyone. You hope ends yet you continue it. I didnt respond to your post yesterday at the end cause its not worth my time. It doesnt help anyone here.
Jul 5 - 5PM
sadlymistaken
sadlymistaken's picture

Oh my God

Talk about seeing only what you want to see. No matter what anyone says you are going to think you are 100% in the right, so why bother asking? Here's an idea. Take our entire conversation to your therapist. See who she thinks was being fair/unfair. Because you're clearly not going to listen nor care about anything anyone here has to say unless it's exactly what you want to hear. The rest of us are just bitter...and passive aggressive. Lol, I've NEVER been called that in my entire 40 years by the way. That is the very last thing that describes me. Anyway...yes, and after I sent the paragraph he quoted, he told me that if I felt he should leave, he would. I, in complete kindness and sincerity, explained I only said that because I thought this all might be upsetting to him and that he should do only what he feels is best for him. And so then after explaining what was CLEARLY ONLY OFFERING SUPPORT his response was to then throw that single sentence quote back in my face that he once again used here. And again, even that isn't telling him to leave. I'm telling him maybe he should find somewhere BETTER FOR HIM. Topgun, you are creating and maintaining an argument where there was NONE-only someone offering you kindness. I PRAY that the next time I am feeling attacked and alone someone will be so "passive-aggressive" with me. Perhaps this is exactly why you and your ex argued so much! I can tell you don't give a crap about this, but I'm not joking at all when I say that this horrible crap you have subjected me to for ONLY trying to support and help you will most likely cause me to walk away the next time someone looks to be in need of support. It's just not worth it. So is there anyone who reads this as me telling him he needs to leave the site? Or do you see it exactly as it was WRITTEN and INTENDED-going out of my way to extend kindness and compassion to someone who I thought was being attacked unfairly? And again X a million, I am so SORRY I read this situation so very wrong. Just...wow. I have never seen one person cause sooo much drama and upset sooo many people here in such a small amount of time. Do you EVER even consider the possibility that perhaps the problem is YOU?
Jul 5 - 5PM (Reply to #44)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Good for you. Stand up for

Good for you. Stand up for what is right. It will never fail you. The guy could be a complete Narc but so could half of the people on here. Since when to we try and convict someone publicly after only a few posts. The irony of it all as he was the one cursed at. Dispicable behavior.
Jul 5 - 6PM (Reply to #45)
sadlymistaken
sadlymistaken's picture

GB

I was seeing things just as you did that day and felt bad for him. That's why I reached out. He bit my hand off. I still don't see exactly where the strong reaction came from, but their intuition was dead on. And mine was dead wrong.
Jul 5 - 5PM (Reply to #43)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Good for you. Stand up for

Good for you. Stand up for what is right. It will never fail you. The guy could be a complete Narc but so could half of the people on here. Since when to we try and convict someone publicly after only a few posts. The irony of it all as he was the one cursed at. Dispicable behavior.
Jul 5 - 4PM
TopGun
TopGun's picture

opinions welcome

Ok enough of this ,please read this and you women tell me what this means because to me its a nice way of saying bug out of this site. No I ma no dummy ,I have 2 degrees of my own but when I read this ,it seems pretty straight forward. You are being extremely gracious and continuing to explain yourself despite being unfairly judged and attacked. How UN-narclike! People are usually very nice here, but it's VERY clicky. And if one in a click says something, the rest will agree. You didn't say or do a single thing wrong. What's happening here is a bunch of BS. I think maybe you should throw in the towel here and find somewhere better. Psychforums.com has an extensive message board. Please don't let this stupidity get you down today. Just mark it down to people taking their issues out on you for some reason. I hope you find the support you're seeking. Best wishes! :) I mean do the words "I think maybe you should throw in the towel here and find somewhere better. " make it sound like you should stick around, give me a break already. If you want me gone just come out and say so I will gladly oblige by removing myself from this site. Talk about Passive - Aggressive.
Jul 5 - 3PM
sadlymistaken
sadlymistaken's picture

Scoop

I felt terrible for him and didn't see or feel what so many others here did. I pm'ed him nothing but complete kindness and support. I got told "men hurt too"...huh!? I took time out of my day to extend comfort to someone and somehow I'm the one who needs to be informed of this??? My words were also taken completely out of the CLEAR meaning and context. And then when I graciously explained myself and that what he thought I meant was not at all what I actually wrote...continuing to be COMPLETELY kind and supportive, I then got my words quoted back in my face. The one sentence quoted back to me still didn't say what he was trying to say it did. And most importantly, if you included any of the surrounding sentences dripping with NOTHING but kindness and support my meaning was crystal clear. Total manipulation and word salad! Additionally, I asked him to not write again, and if he did I would just delete it unread. He wrote anyway. I did not read it. No respect for my wishes. Red flags EVERYWHERE! And scoop, I STILL don't even see what you're picking up on! :( This really worries me. I thought I was so much better at reading people now. Anyway, I went out of my way to extend kindness and got trampled on and completely triggered. Not at all fair but I am learning lessons from it. I apologize to the rest of the ladies that saw this much more clearly than I did. Boy, was I wrong!!
Jul 4 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Top Gun

I just read your story...it doesn't sound like NPD but it does sound like there were some abusive behaviours. I think borderline and the booze doesn't help. I've heard nightmare stories about people that have had to deal with alcoholics that are not working towards recovery. I've had a terrible day with my computer...I read the first half but have a newsletter and a radio show *on the internet* my first one...LOL to prepare for and so I will read the second half tomorrow as this computer of mine decided to play games with me and at this point, I am frazzled. What I find interesting however, is that initially your story indicates, you had a "red flag" in that you thought she had a drinking problem. This is not for the purposes of crucifying you; however, the goal of the path forward is to grow and learn. My question: Knowing that there was an INITIAL indication of dysfunction, what do you think drew you into this mess? Many of us admit there were red flags, but we couldn't see them...you saw yours - so what motivated you to continue? It sounds like there was on some level an MO of a "rescue" mission - which isn't a crime, many get caught up in that web but it's not healthy and if you want to achieve some clarity on this, I think you might have to back track a bit and ask yourself what made you move forward even though there was an indication. Sometimes we engage in self sabotage, sometimes we're not feeling all that great about ourselves, and digging someone else out of a hole "makes us feel good" but sometimes for avoiding our own "ish" there is a price to pay...do you have any insight into this at this time? Sometimes it takes time...but this is what I'm coming up with so far...I'm not seeing narcissism which generally when women are high on that scale, the get labeled histronic - also please note we're not psych professionals here this is peer support but we do enough research here to kinda have a general idea of some of the other disorders...kind of a fringe benefit to wishing that Narcissim wasn't the final answer...Hugs!
Jul 4 - 6PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

TG

From what I have read it seems very likely that you have been with a borderline. I recommend you visit a site called gettinbetter.com (no affiliation to me) it is Shari Schreibers site and she has quite a bit of information on there about female borderlines. They can be some evil evil bitches. On occassion I thought I was a borderline cause the narc made me so crazy and my therapist said oh no no no sweetie and dont even ever say that. She said they are bad bad bad news and can make some Narcs look like childs play. Many therapists wont even see them. My guess is you giving this money to her in a way to yes have some control. Codependents and enablers do that sort of thing. I am a codependent well, a recovering one. So let me ask you did you think that loaned her the money in an effort to get her to behave? I know I would be pissed as hell if I loaned someone that kind of money and they didnt use it for the intended purpose but why did you keep doing it? Is this a romantic relationship or more of a friendship gone bad? Were there any good times? There are several good sites that address female borderline behavior you may be well served to visit them. I think one is BPD.com or Bpdcentral not sure but they are out there. Oh and btw I just read something that said that quite frequently Borderlines use their children for government benefits and once that gravy train stops they could careless about them. Are you still talking with this woman. You do know you will never see a dime of that money dont you? Just write it off and get away from this woman. She will bleed you dry
Jul 4 - 8PM (Reply to #32)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

gb

I lent her money in the hopes that I could lift some of the stress of of her such as having lost her job,car was broke (which I had fixed and towed 3 times and never had anything said to me like a simple thanx) her son was on drugs, it seemed like everyday some other bad thing happenned to her. Yes I was pissed,did I ever expect to see the money no,I nw I wouldnt. But I tried to rationlize it away saying ,well she never wants to go out and I would have spent that money on her anyway. The only time it bothered me and I took some action to get it back was when I lent her money to try and stop the eviction and we both knew it wouldnt and she got pissed because it wasnt made out to her ,so naturally she couldnt spend it and I stopped payment after giving her ample time to return it and use it for what it was intended for ,which never happenned anyway. This was suppose to be a romantic relationship but in know way shape or form did it resemble one , I tried to ease her pain so that in hopes she would see things in a positive way but she was always so negative like the world was out to get her,she never trusted anyone and always thought there was an ulterior motive for everything.
Jul 4 - 8PM (Reply to #33)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yikes! Sounds like she may

Yikes! Sounds like she may even have a splash of bipolar which is often comorbid with bpd. Bipolars always feel like they are victims of the world. Sometimes therapists bpds ans bipolar and vice versa. Wow she's a real piece of work. Are you still engaging in contact with this woman. What made you keep trying with her? Did u think u were gonna be able to fix her? Doesn't matter what she is she's taken u for a ride. So what is the current staus of your relationship? What steps are you taking to get yourself out of this mess?
Jul 4 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

gb

the relationship is done, I havent been contacting her ,she has been calling and leaving messages but I dont answer. The money I dished out she use to call "chump change" talk about pissing someone off. I knew very early on something wasnt right. But like I said she was so secretive. I mean after a while it was like you were invisible, no affection,no sex no nothing. I just kep making excuses thinking it was her stressed out. Dont get me wrong I confronted her many times, and when she would call would hang up just when I was about to speak. so after playing that game for a while I would just email. She would call you every name and some you never even heard of LOL, but the main thing in her arsenal was always playing the insecure and jealous card ,and she would want me to pay from afar which was ridiculous. If she wasnt in complete control of not just me but her kids lives and friends she would flip. You couldnt even talk spontaneously, it was like you had to think everyword out and in what context it would be taken , it was bad ,never talking about the so many things that were happenning in the world ,only her world which consisted of gossip,backstabbing and I also believe she was addicted to dating sites. Constantly throwing men in my face or talking to men while I was there ,total disrespect and if you said something you were thrown out and not talked to for days. it got to a point where she didnt like the ear ring i wore ,or my shoes or my hair or even the way I ate my food it was crazy. but I kept trying. The thing I told my therapist was and see if this makes sense was that I would literally guilt myself into helping because I knew if I didnt no one else would because she had alienated every one around her including her kids. It was a mess.
Jul 5 - 8AM (Reply to #35)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

So did your therapist ever

So did your therapist ever mention to you that this woman could be a borderline. To me its sounds like very typical borderline behavior but I'm no therapist however I have read a ton about bpd. It is often comorbid with npd and bipolar per my therapist. Stay far far away from this woman they are toxic! So has your therapist gotten into why you felt you needed to keep rescuing her? Do you have a pattern of rescuing in previous or other relationships. Go to the gettinbetter.com website you will learn plenty there about female borderlines and those who get involved with them. It really will help you and give you plenty of food for thought
Jul 5 - 11AM (Reply to #36)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

GB

I actually asked my therapist if she knew anyone that dealt with personality disorders and actually she said she doesnt like to deal with these people. As far as the rescuing I am a compassionate person but I would have to say this is really the only time I have reacted this way. one minute she doesnt want you and last nite she called twice but I didnt answer. she just hangs on dating sites and chat ,I guess to feed the ego. I am trying to stay away ,really havent talked to her or seen her in about 5 weeks, I listened to a few messages but they are just the same garbage. I mean after awhile do we really even listen ,its like a broken record,how it was all my fault it fell apart because of my insecurities and jealousy, you name it. I did notice the pattern though if no one else was around and I happenned to be there you would catch the shit because of the others and I use to tell her when I do something ,go ahead and scream but when its the others ,yell at them . But everyone she knows is weak they have no backbone and are afraid of her. I have never met such an argumentitive person in my life ,its like she lived to argue, half the time I think it was a put on about the sillest things just to get me to leave so she could go online. I never seen a person so absorbed with time and so secretive, she would even turn her back or ask me to turn away in the grocery store if she had to enter passwords or whatever. like I need her money which there was none of I have my own but this was on A link card. After a while it seemed that even your presence was like an annoyance so ,you never really felt welcomed . Ok talk again later. Thanks Top
Jul 5 - 1PM (Reply to #37)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Topgun

Topgun , im sorry you have had this experience with this woman .I am not a professional but i would say you are in a lot of anger at the moment . I would respectfully ask you to watch youre swearing and tone of youre post . We are not a board for people to "slag off" their ex partners , we want to concentrate on usefull insights and healing .We will gladly help you through youre pain if youre ex is a Narc , could i suggest you read up on the subject and go through the board where there are lots of very usful post to guide you . Many thanks Scoop (moderator)
Jul 5 - 2PM (Reply to #38)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

Tone

Thanks for reading,acyually I am just giving bits and pieces of the story because I dont really know if everyone gets a chance to read them. I will adhere to your rules but I really dont think I directed and swear words at anyone in my posts, but I will curtail that. I assumed it was acceptable since I have read other posts with lots of swearing, I will try to find different adjectives next time when describing my feelings. Yes I do have alot of anger right now and feel I have a right to feel that way considering what I went through. I dont mean to be a smart ass either but I came on here with good intentions and as you can see by the answers to my questions was found guilty before I even had a chance,its understandable, but all I want is a fair shake like everyone else . I didnt go read thier stories and condemn them ,thatt is not why I came here. I came to find answers to 1 quetion and that is how can someone that you love be so cold hearted and no reciprocate and if there is anything that can be done about it. I thank you for your opinion. Top
Jul 4 - 5PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Ok...I made it to your story.

Ok...I made it to your story. I'm sorry you've suffered at the hands of a narc like this. :=( I have a feeling there's much more to this story, I didn't read through your thread here, yet. Why would she say that, you ask. Because they are disordered, and they use words to hurt us. If you HADN'T helped her financially, she would have said...omg, I can't believe you didn't help me with my money problems! Since you did, she has to find another angle to abuse you. Abuse never makes sense. Abuse is an act of harm to another, with really no rhyme or reason. That's why it's abuse. Ever see those commercials where they show abused animals? Makes my heart ache so. :=( Who could hit, burn, mame a defenseless animal, right? That's abuse. It doesn't make sense. It's unfathomable to you and me. Well, these people are masters/and masterettes at verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. They are emotionall bankrupt, so like a vampire, they need to suck us dry of emotions. Make us need them. Make us feel like their view of us, is all that matters. If she were to tell you...''you're the best...'' she'd expect you to think so. If she were to say...''you suck...'' she'd expect you to think so. You know? That's why she said that. And that's why you need to stay faaar away from this one. She's a user, and an abuser. I too feel sorry for folks. If you want to help someone, help the homeless...or send your money to people who lose everything in the tsunami. Not to this woman. She takes your money--spends it--isn't thankful--and makes you feel bad over it. That's abuse. God bless and may you find healing here.
Jul 4 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

I guess you can read the full story under my profile

and yes if you read that much ,you are correct there is alot more then what is just written so far.
Jul 4 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Top Gun

You've been narced my friend, same person different body! Welcome, your best bet is to understand the mind of a psychopath rather than try to figure the manulitapation of this disordered woman! Your goal now is to heal your soul and move forward! Remember this thru your journey, idealize, devalue,discard Hunter
Jul 4 - 5PM (Reply to #28)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

I am trying

I have read about 4 or 5 books even had my daughter who is taking psychology in school to bring me home her book on abnormal psychology. This person was the most secretive person I ever met ,yet one nite she left her apt. and actually was gone 2 hrs . I left only for her to tell me she went to my house to feed my cat,then she told me she was looking thru my dressers and everything else, all this from a person who lives 12 minutes away and when I had asked another time if she could run over and feed my cat she said no and in the next breath asked me to stop on my way from work and pick up some wine. I cannot literally recall one thing that was done for me. The person never asked a thing about me,I always joked and said what is my favorite color or food or movie, no answer. But the 2 questions I remember her asking me were what do I consider sex ,and what do I consider cheating. one time I lent her some money and she actually had the nerve to run out and cash it (a check) when I was going to stop it and went out on my money to a bar without me. So I think I have a little room for being pissed. I cant even list the things that happenned there are way to many, she even accussed me of giving her aids ,I said what ,she said she had these little red spots on her arm ,but when it was all said and done it was because her 3 cats had fleas. Another time she developed a cyst and said it was because of me, I guess its common in woman on the inside forgot the name of it but said that I probably did it. I was blamed for so much stuff that finally I exploded and said I wont apologize for her actions anymore because she never did and I did just to keep some sanity. Sorry for going on but I need like a tape recorder there is so much. Ok thanks for listening. Top
Jul 4 - 9AM
StudentOfLife
StudentOfLife's picture

It's commendable to try to

It's commendable to try to help someone esp. when/if it is for the "right" reasons, when the motives are pure. I don't know the woman so I can't know her reasons for feeling uncomfortable with the help you offered her outside of the reasons listed in this post. My recently-exNarc used to offer/give help and material things, but i eventually became uncomfortable with it, because when i allowed him to give help.... EVERY TIME.... there were strings attached. Every time. These strings were strings of constantly and continually reminding me that he had helped me, excessive patting himself on the back. I was very thankful to him, and tried my butt off to show him this, only to be met with -- "oh, you don't care." , "You're not grateful", "Look at all I do for you"... etc, ETC. In fact , even after we had seriously and supposedly been mutually exclusive after one year, after trying to hide from our mutual "friends" for all that time the nature of our relationship.... when they would ask him about "us", the best thing he could tell them , "Oh yeah, StudentOfLife and I hang out sometimes, and I HELP HER OUT WITH THINGS." That's it?!?! AND then all the "great things" he would do for me were used to throw in my face EVERY time we would have a real true intimate or emotional issue to work through. For instance, when I found out he was lying to me as he frequently did, or i had felt hurt by some cold callous thing he had said (to intentionally press those buttons of control).... he would throw in my face some nice thing he had done or bought to remind me of how much he "loved"me. These disordered emotionally empty folks aka Narcissists just do not have the emotional depth or insight to KNOW that what you need to give in a relationship is so much more than material. They just don't have it, very very sadly enough. I will need to go back to this post to remind myself, I know i will. Also I was having the realization this morning (after *peaking* on FB and seeing a miserable/angry pic of him along with a spiritual and poetic STOLEN quote from me).... that I TRIED TO SAVE HIM. I take responsibility for my "saviour complex", as I know i have tried to save and fill that void within others just like him in past relationships. I guess it's because i could never save my dad (who was just like these guys) from himself, the pattern repeats. They don't want to be saved. I need to learn that (and maybe you do as well?) Also.... this saviour complex of mine--->> Who the heck do i think I AM anyhow??!!! LOL! We can only save ourselves, learn how to love ourselves first. And stop these self-defeating patterns. Is this making any sense? I've been processing a lot lately so i don't know if the words are flowinig coherently or not. Hope this helps. Were you trying to save this girl, TopGun? Have a great Independence Day everyone!
Jul 4 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
TopGun
TopGun's picture

same thing

we were suppose to be in a committed exclusive relationship,, but she wouldnt take her profiles down off of the dating sites ,said she had friends on there and that I was just being insecure and jealous, Bullshit. I even tried to compomise with her and said ok keep them up but put in there that you are in a relationship now and wont be accepting anymore advances, well I bet you can guess if she did that, I have a fb and asked her for her pic to show my relatives out east and tried to be her friend on there and she responded why should I be your friend on there I see and talk to you in person. OK ,well why do you have that you are single on there and she said because I had mine as complicated well I dont see anywhere that single and complicated mean the same thing. It was all obvious bs ,she just didnt want people to know she was in a relationship.
Jul 4 - 9AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

whoa whoa. WTH is going on

whoa whoa. WTH is going on here? What has this man done that is so terribly offensive? From what I have read it sounds very much like he has been involved with a female borderline. Ladies read up on female borderlines they exhibit the exact behavior he has described. The only reason I am so familiar with the subject matter is I believe my EX was a male borderline which behave a little differently than female ones however most borderlines are female and they leave a trail of men in their path. Most of the info published on borderlines is about female borderlines. I just think alot of people are jumping to conclusions here with very little fact.
Jul 4 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Gettinbetter

I agree with you, these guys are jumping down his throat, not a very nice welcome, is it! You know guys we are not all perfect so give the guy a chance. Each and everyone of has done really STUPID things here. I not boing to pick on anyone but you are not being nice! Hunter
Jul 4 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Gettin better

Hi there, I thought I'd put across my view of it to you, but in no way I am trying to change your mind or opinion. The answer is he HASN'T actually done anything offensive, but its an instinct, I can smell a rat. For me personally, read this thread the way I do all others, I read the post, then read the comments. After reading the post I was immediately struck by how strange I felt. That something was off. Maybe it was the way things were worded, maybe it was the overall attitude of it, I'm not sure really. When I read the comments I was relieved that others felt like me. It would rather unfortunate if this truly is a new member looking for answers but I can easily dismiss they notion because it doesnt sit right in my gut. I know I also noticed how assuredly calm he was in the space of being questioned. There were belittling comments calling us paranoid in an underhand way. I'm not going to attack this person but I think it's very important that it has been brought to light for others to see and make up their own mind. I chose to trust my instincts, which have NEVER been wrong in my life. I've avoided listening to them before and thus it resulted in my 'relationship' with my n. Hope this explains things a bit more