tresor2's Story

Wow, never thought I'd have the courage to write about it but, here it goes.

The problem started when my parents immigrated from Europe to the US. I was only six and this was the beginning of my self-esteem and insecurity issues. I didn't speak the language and was treated as different by other kids. I don't think I ever got over it.

Both my parents suffered from PTSD from WWII and I grew up in an unemotional environment. They were both good people who I know loved me but, they couldn't show it in a healthy way due to their own issues and suffering. My dad kept all his feelings inside and was easily angered. My mother kept the peace and raised the two kids. We had no other family members in the country.

All the way through high school, I believed I was ugly and unwanted. I had freckles and wasn't part of the "in crowd." Even when boys tried to like me, I rejected them because I was scared to death. I was a really good swimmer and that probably saved my life.

After high school, my first boyfriend turned out to be a psychopath released by the Marine Corp. He was 10 years older than me and took total advantage. I was green and he used me. I dropped out of college after two years and we drove around the country while he smoked weed. After about two years, he decided he needed a break and I found myself lost and alone at age 21. I believe this set the pattern for more of the same.

So, I went back home, got a job and went back to school. I was attracted to guys who really didn't like me initially but, eventually things worked out; for only a while. One cheater or drug addict after another, despite the fact I didn't use drugs. I think I thought of them as projects I could fix and rescue. Eventually I married one. He was actually the best of the lot but, he too had a messy childhood and drug problems. The marriage lasted six years and we had a son together.

After the divorce, I've continued on a steady landslide, to hell. I dated one abuser after another and had a daugther with the worst one of all. We had an on/off relationship for about 8 yrs. This guy turned out to be a crack addict and at the time, had no idea about what this drug could do to a person. I became more and more reactive to bad behavior and lost myself. I developed some serious PTSD. He was the only man who physically abused me and I thank my son for saving my life. Imagine a 6' 4", 200 lb. crazy coming after you...terrifying. The sad part about all of this is that my focus was on the psychos and staying alive and therefore, I wasn't there emotionally for my son. I am so blessed I was never arrested or that I lost my kids for being around him and his drugs. I managed to keep my same job for over 30 yrs.

While all this was going on, I went to school and got my BA. I finally escaped the psycho when he found someone else. I was so happy. What neXt? Yep, another controller but, much better. Lasted about 3 years. And after that, another guy who was a liar and cheater.

With that history, I was set up for THE BIG ONE. And he arrived in the form of a malignant narcissistic lawyer who was working on my families' legal case. OMG...charismatic, smart, arrogant, successful, beautiful, self absorbed, tall, dark, handsome, all about money, and freshly divorced. Also, a heavy drinker and pot smoker. He targeted me and I was a goner. The honeymoon stage lasted about 3 months and I wanted more time and he didn't want to give it (OW). I lost 30 pounds during the first two months. The mask started coming off.

There were so many red flags I ignored. He flashed, drank, was aloof, and everything was on his terms and his time. He was controlling, disrespecful and always traveling. But he smiled all the time. I ended up wasting 8 yrs. of my life on a push/pull relationship with this guy that yielded nothing. He knew what he was doing. I lived off hopes and dreams that went nowhere. A big red flag was seeing a photo of his ex wife at the end of their 20 yr marriage. She looked drained...like an empty shell. The first ex also dumped him but, the only thing he mentioned about her was that she was a doctor which i'm sure, fed his ego. The ex's were lucky because they were paid for their suffering, I wasn't.

As the years progressed, he became more abusive and eventually made little secret of the jerk he was. I couldn't and wouldn't believe that such a successful and gifted individual could behave the way he did. Pure evil. No moral fiber, no boundaries, no empathy, no compassion and selfish as "f." So, instead of bailing, what did I do? I went back to school and got my MA in psychology in an attempt to make sense of his behavior. I learned all about pathology and narcissists.

My next move was to attempt to fix him; yes, fix a narcissist. I gave him self-help books, pleaded, called him a narcissist, cried, pointed out things,changed my appearance, got a better car but, nothing changed in his behavior. Surprise. Things got worse and he became more abusive because he knew I had him figured out and the game was up. He was very sadistic. He had me where he wanted and he toyed with me. I became physically sick and obsessive...an addict. He told me he loved me all the time but, his behavior said the opposite. I kept going to the source of my pain for comfort. The other thing that confused me was he would say all these spiritual things. True insanity.

I couldn't get him out of my head. I could do NC for a month or two and then I'd break down and go back or, he would call me out of the blue. Then one day, he announces he's going to marry his childhood sweetheart from 45 yrs. ago who he had re-met at a reuinion. I about died. Several months later, he says, "didn't I tell you she was married." Fast forward, this woman ended up getting a divorce from her husband of 30/40 yrs. just to be with him. Can you imagine his ego. I don't know if he's with her now or not.

During all the insanity, I attending 12-step meetings, therapy, worked, went to school, saw clients but I couldn't set myself free. I gave him my soul and I needed to get it back. Towards the end of the insanity, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and I let him know. His response was to tell me he was living with someone after he called me, pretending to be concerned. I lost it and everything I'd always wanted to say came out.
After that, NC. Narcs don't like sick people.

I'm now cancer free and recovering well. The cancer was no accident. Nothing else worked so God gave me something to really think about...my life. I stored/stuffed all my emotions and my body had no outlet.

I still struggle with CD and have times where I miss him. But I now know evil does exist and there are people in this world who simply do not care. It's all about their needs and them. We are just objects. My healing journey is a spiritual one and, each day, I'm one step closer to finding myself...that child that's been lost since age 6.

There's so much I left out and this is only a snapshot. I cannot emphasize the NC rule. It's everything and I wasn't able to do it for long periods. These guys do not change and once they've sucked you dry, they find another source. They are ticks. If you're in a bad relationship, get out, get out, get out. Your life depends on it. I am now working on a book and getting started on a new career.
I've also found many positives that came out of the experience. I realize that I put myself there and did not listen to my intuition, my inner voice. I knew all along.

Thank you for listening.