fool_me_once's story

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#1 Jun 16 - 8PM
fool_me_once
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fool_me_once's story

(Sorry, this is unnecessarily long for such a short relationship. But, hey, I'm a writer. This is what I do.)

At 31, I had everything I wanted: I was very successful in a creative job in a major city, a condo I purchased with my own money (okay, okay, a *little* help from mom and dad), an adorable dog from the pound, and a fantastic network of loving friends and family. I have great self-esteem and acknowledge that I am physically attractive. So, how did I fall for a narc?

I've gone on over 50 first dates. Yeah, a lot. And I managed to fit them in between long relationships of 4 years, 3 years, etc. Except for the guys who became boyfriends, most of the dates were bad or just "meh." Last year, first date #50 was really great. Whipsmart, hilarious, and successful, he had renovated a house in my dream neighborhood and had two dogs that looked exactly like big versions of mine (not common). We started hanging out. Then another guy contacted me on the online dating site.

He didn't write very well. Since I work with words professionally, that was a turn-off. But something made me respond. I wasn't really sure about #50 yet, so I made first date #51. He was my physical ideal, full of energy, and amazingly talented. Sure, we didn't have a lot of things in common-- his family history was horrible while I can't tell you the last time anyone in my extended family has had even a tiff; he was hyper and whirlwind while I am reserved and guarded. Etc. But I kept seeing both guys, trying to decide. My head said, #50. I went to a restaurant to meet #51 to tell him that I had decided to see someone else. Within 10 minutes, my gut told me, "No. This is the guy. This is the guy you've been waiting for." (First lesson: head is smarter than gut.)

Okay, so clearly #51 was the N. I was on cloud 9 at first, and he seemed to be too. His FB statuses would all say things like, "Smitten." He seemed head-over-heels for me, and though I had major reservations (ugh, his FAMILY!), I started to thaw and let my guard down. We ran all over the city having fun and making each other laugh, and the sex was fantastic. Everyone liked him. He rushed the whole boyfriend-girlfriend relationship thing before I was quite ready, but I thought, "Well, I know how he feels. He's not the wild card. I just have to jump." So I did.

We were only together for four months. That's not long. But things moved so fast, and I was so certain that this was IT. Everyone says that when you find the one, it's just different, and this was different, wasn't it? It was euphoria. Unfortunately, I was also undergoing a bad spell of depression (oh yeah, have been treated for that for years) and was facing the possible loss of my job. So, yeah, I was a little withdrawan and moody. I admit it. But he was so patient, right?! I left for a family vacation to Italy, and when I came back, there were flowers on my office desk from him. No, he hadn't sent them. He had gotten a coworker to let him into the office the night before, and, according to the coworker, he had spent "ages" trying to arrange the flowers just right. Aw, I had the perfect boyfriend!

Two weeks later, he called me and said, "I miss [other major city] too much. You're too tied to to this place. We need to just be friends.'

I was beyond shocked. And when I acted, understandably, upset, he just lashed out at me, acting like he was the one being wronged and pointing out my bad moods. It was *so* bizarre, but I was so emotional that I didn't pick up on the fact that...no, that's not okay. This went on for a few days. I couldn't stop thinking about how my mental state had somehow made him pull away, or my ties to my community. It was all my fault! I tearfully went to check out the goods on match.com, thinking, "Great, back into the hellish single scene." And there was his profile.

It should be a surprise to nobody that he didn't move back to that other city. A month later, he had opened a gallery in ours. It was a huge slap in the face, both because he clearly lied, and also because, well, I missed out on being part of that world. I was so proud of him...and so disgusted. I didn't know at the time that I was experiencing cognitive dissonance.

Enter a year of the neverending cycle of getting back in touch, having a huge falling out, and ignoring each other, before getting back in touch. No matter how cruel he was, I kept crawling back for more. It was sick!!! What kind of person had I become?? And he made me feel like I was the crazy one, making such a big deal out of a short relationship. It didn't occur to me that I was only feeling crazy because he was so damn abnormal.

I'm a logical person. I seek facts. With nothing to do at work (no, I didn't lose my job after all, though almost all my coworkers did, and I had to take a huge pay cut, like the week after the breakup), I became a master of Internet stalking and gathering information. I creeped myself out, but I couldn't stop. I kept thinking that I would find some clue as to why he was so horrible, or what I did wrong.

Over the fall, we were back in touch, in a friendly impasse, though obviously it was keeping me from moving on because I had so much hope. He was holding me at arm's length, so I didn't invite him to my birthday party, which he knew. I knew that he had a gallery event that night, across town. I was safe! Of course, it's my 32nd bday, and I'm sadly single, and I'm drinking too much. At 2 AM, some of us went to a different bar (ill-advised), and guess whom we ran into? Yup. I was completely wasted and of course got upset. I sent him some snarky texts after my friend hustled me out of there-- things like, "U going back to [city] or not?" He was furious. In the morning, texted me about how he didn't deserve that, and how he would never talk to someone that way. (What, he would never say, "U going back to [city] or not?" That doesn't strike me as very soul-wounding. It was a legitimate question!) I apologized, but he didn't accept it. The next day, I tried again, saying that we'd never had a face-to-face. After the breakup (remember, on the phone), I'd seen him twice: once when stopping by his gallery very briefly to say hello during a party, and then my birthday. He rudely wrote, "no thanks."

Something clicked. Something was wrong. All those months of him twisting things around so I was the bad guy, making me feel and act crazier and crazier, never ONCE feeling bad for dumping me, morphing into an unrecognizable person. It finally made sense. He wasn't normal.

After some research into narcissism, I just had to contact his ex before me. I knew that they'd had a similar trajectory: him being head-over-heels, then dumping her and being completely dismissive of her, yet her constantly chasing after him. And, sure enough, same story. It was a nice exchange, in which we told each other we could do better. I was done. I didn't contact him over the holidays at all.

Unfortuantely, the other ex wasn't quite done (poor girl has wasted 3 years on this creep at this point). She clearly told him what was up, and of course he flipped out and sent me a furious email about how I was tracking down his friends and family and sending them bizarre messages. No, she wasn't his friend. And it wasn't creepy; it was the final thing that I had needed to start ignoring him. But NO, he was NOT going to talk to me like that. I wrote him back a scathing email about how he had zero empathy for anyone and how he was turning into his father (who is NO DOUBT a narcissist; N despises him, and they don't talk). Of course, I don't hear back.

March. I'm diagnosed with HPV. OB/Gyn goes through my history, and it really has to be him. Since HPV is so common, I wasn't obligated to inform him, but I did anyway. He was kind of cool about it, apologizing for how he had hit the roof earlier. (Looking back though...I like how he didn't show any concern for the fact that I was now at high risk of contracting cervical cancer and faced, at best, a few months of invasive tests.)

We emailed back and forth a few times and I went on vacation to Spain (where we'd said we wanted to go together). He emailed me something stupid, and I wrote, "I'm in Barcelona." He wrote, "Going there in September." This pissed me off so much. He was having the best year of his life professionally and creatively and undoubtedly sleeping around like crazy, while I was stuck in a debilitating depression for most of it; my vacation was my one reward, and now he was going too, with god knows whom. I cut him off again.

Guess who decides to go crawling back??? I sent him a "Hope you're doing okay" email. Last week, we got in touch about stupid stuff. He friended me on Linkedin and Twitter (I'm still blocked on FB, however.) We exchanged friendly messages. I saw proof that he was seeing someone-- I knew exactly what her deal was (remember: information-collecting genius)! It broke my heart. Meanwhile, I'd actually gone on a good first date, leading to a second, though I felt that my obsession with the N was going to poison it. I asked him for one meeting, just so ONCE, just ONCE, he could hear me out. I know it's a bad idea. It won't change anything for him. He won't care. He'll still think I'm a psycho girl who made a huge deal out of a short fling. But I just have to do it. I've put him on this pedestal, even though he's proven to be a coward, a sneak, a liar, and a Bad Person. I need to see him in person to remember: he's not a mythical creature. He's a narcissistic creep, and he'll fuck up his new relationship too. (I hope. Oh, OWs cause so much worry....)

Jun 17 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Oh I can so identify with

Oh I can so identify with this, I did some crazy stuff in the back and forth that and cut people off and tried to make his family see I wasnt the one lying.... what a bastard he was to me, but I couldnt share I couldnt get my friends to understand.. It was shocking how he emerged from every completely unscathed and intact and went on to a new life. It has destroyed my faith in people,
Jun 17 - 12AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Two Weeks, Two Months, Two Years, Two Decades

Narcs make it feel like two CENTURIES...they do damage...that's their claim to fame. Read all you can, follow the steps and share. The only way to rid yourself of the toxins is to purge it and get it out. PS. Don't expect too much understanding in the "real" world...Hunter has a saying: Friends are for fun and I forget the other part but something like..the Forum is for healing... Don't try to blend the two and you should be okay. Looking forward to traveling with you on the Path Forward. Hugs!
Jun 16 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Same guy different

Same guy different body! Welcome! Hunter
Jun 16 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
fool_me_once
fool_me_once's picture

Thanks, Hunter! This site is

Thanks, Hunter! This site is so amazing. Every.single.time that I am tempted to look up something about him, his gallery, or the OW, I immediately come here instead. It's been wonderful.
Jun 17 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Fool

It's hard at first but it gets better! I suggest you find a buddy too! Read all the posts and PM someone you relate to! Happy and I are BFF because of this. So, sometimes good grows from bad! I have contact with a lot of members off the borad it's nice to talk about this with people who understand! Remember,NC, Delete, & NC Hunter