Lies, deception, pointing fingers, assigning blame, intentionally hurtful remarks, and at some point we all have that moment when we think we miss them...the good news is we have the capacity to change and grow past the fantasy thinking, and if you really listen and hear what these narcs say their own remarks provide the best catalyst for never going back, and for NC
Chris
Chris, I'm going to remind myself that, "narcs say their own remarks provide the best catalyst for never going back and for NC." You made an excellent point by saying this...it's so true. Thank you.
TovaBella
The ex-Psych prof would call, be SILENT, then hang up ALL THE TIME.
Too bad I never had the nerve to do it to him!
It's an unnerving experience, and it is something he should experience.
We all have made mistakes on this roller coaster ride from hell. What you did is actually normal, have you read some of these relaps stories on here (lol!) It is okay, take a deep breath, and now exhale. Do that about 10 more times..deeply. then go outside and enjoy some of the fresh blooms God gave you during this amazing time of year. If you can, pick a few blooms, abd put them in your dwelling as a reminder that life really is beautiful, we just have to make our own happiness!! Hugs and xx
"Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what's to come" -Unknown
TB, you made a mistake, but don't think about whether or not he'll try to contact you- focus on the now & here & that is that you HUNG UP! You hung up... yay!
Good! You didn't hear his voice and he DIDNT have the chance to downtalk you or hoover :)
Stay Strong!!!
Thank you, Kiwi2005 :)
I've never heard that quote before. I think that the fact I hung up shows I've at least made some progress. I know for a FACT that I would not have had the strength to hang up a few months ago. Thanks again for you support...it means a lot :)
TovaBella
Anytime!!!
We all have weak moments, but babysteps. I don't know what its like to COMPLETELY move on, I hear its nice, but I know what its like being with a toxic deadweight and it's not fun!
STAY STRONG and Get on here whenever you have "cavey" moments, email the people the GET IT :)
When I used to do this, I finally realized there was something I was holding on to, actually in my case more than one thing. Wishes, fantasies, and unrealized dreams. And an unwillingness to believe the N wouldn't finally wake up and return to the wonderful ways of the past. I'm a different person now, and so it doesn't matter anymore what the N says, does, how she acts, etc. I now like the fact that the chaos is gone, and by my choice will never come back. The green buttons on the phone mean go, the red ones mean stop. NC is logical, contact is emotional, its a process, and you will stop contacting when you are ready to move forward. You don't have to do this to yourself anymore if you don't want to.
Hi Done Sourcing,
You know, you said something that really rang true for me. You said, "I'm a different person now, so it doesn'tmatter anymore what the N says, does, how she acts, etc. I know the fact that the chaos is gone, and by my choice will never come back." I thought long and hard about this and this is something that is also true for me. I'm a VERY different person now than before I went NC with the ex-N. I feel like my eyes have been opened to what/who the N truly is and will NEVER change from it. I also know that I'M the one who CHOSE to walk away from the the N...he stopped communicating, but he would have DEFINITELY communicated with me if I initiated...but I CHOSE NOT TOO.
Thank you for your support and your take on things.
TovaBella
Well you know what I did last week, drunk e-mailing and the response I got from mine. I'm just glad I left it as a potential cryptic threat in the subject and didn't try expressing any feelings. The next day I didn't think it had set me back that much, but then over the weekend I realized it did. Reading his words brought back some of the CD and I found myself ruminating again about what I "lost." Oh well, chalk it up to the fact you hung up before the call went through and we all seem to do it at least once even when we swear we never will. If you heard his voice and his word salad, you would feel much worse. I was at 9 weeks NC when I broke it last week and you are 9 this week. Is there something about that timeline? Like we've been out long enough that the fog is lifting a little bit and we forget how bad they can make us feel? Whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself and beat yourself up. Some days are just harder than others for some reason. I find that during my PMS week it's REALLY hard. Focus on the fact you hung up and not that you dialed. We all have our moments and you regained some clarity just in time.
Hugs, XoXo
Smitten
Hi Smitten,
I'm really glad I hung up and didn't hear his voice either. My gosh, Smitten! I would have freaked if I did...I'd have been set back drastically in my recovery if I had spoken with him voice :(. I'm not sure if there is something that hits us at the 9 week mark or not...but I'm starting to guess if maybe it's just pangs from way back the way things were in the beginning. Like you said, maybe it is that some days are just harder than others.
Yours,
TovaBella
a couple weeks ago, I was re-reading the text messages between me & my N and accidentally hit the button to call him and could NOT get my stupid phone to hang up...I freaked out, it went to voice mail before I could hang it up
I, too, was scared he'd call back....we don't need their shit in our lives. It only brings anxiety, fear & pain, pain, pain
Yes, Wacaet...I felt that panicky feeling when I heard the phone ring once...that's why I hung up. Then I kept checking my phone back and forth just to be sure he didn't text or call me right back...I just couldn't handle if called...I'd have been so worried. A part of me would want to answer and give him hell, another part would want to ignore him and continue NC and I would be torn. Quite honestly, it's is just so much easier to do the NC work...it removes all the worry and panic...at least for the most part.
TovaBella
that the call didnt go through...
Tova Bella,
please, dont hang around the barbershop
because one day your gonna get a haircut.
know what I mean?
belive me, I understand, I get it, been there
remember.. narc's have the emotional capacity of a 6 year old.they didnt progress past that age
and there is no chance for them to catch up, no cure
your better than this, stop dialing...pleeze
make something beauitful out of today
ok?
be blessed,
K
You know girlsinger, you are right. I do consider myself lucky that the call didn't go through. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your analogy about the barbershop. I've never heard that particular phrase before...I've heard variations, but I relaly liked yours. It just painted the perfect picture for me. Thank you so much for your support, you said something else I needed to hear today.
Yours,
TovaBella
Dammit Hunter! I'm totally kicking myself for my moment of weakness. Ugh! You'd think that I wouldn't have anymore moments of weakness involving him...considering that's how I met the asshole N in the first place.
TovaBella
I know! I know! I think that's what made me hang up after one ring...I thought about how much worse I'd feel if we spoke voice(because of all the CRAP he'd feed me...regardless of whether or not it was true.)Ugh! I just wish I could have a surgical procedure done to keep all the lessons I've learned, but remove the memory of him. My gosh, that would be amazing! Since that isn't an option though, I'll just continue to tough it out.
TovaBella
I think in some way or shape, we are addicted to our Narcs. I am at work but I cannot concentrate I am only able to obsess over him when he's not worth it.
The next time you get the urge to call him, do something intentional until the urge passes--maybe create a ritual, like blast your favorite song that makes you feel good to take your mind to a place of relief and joy. Hope that helps!
You are right and hit it right on the head for me, I was getting something out of it. Once I stopped looking at the N and started looking at my behavior, attitudes and needs I started realizing I had to grow up, without the narc in my life. Now I am doing that and things are getting a lot better.
Chris
You know, Free2bMe4582...that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. I'm going to listen to one of the songs on my IPod that has serious meaning to me. Every single time the urge comes to me to even think of looking at his FB page or to contact him, I'll listen to this song. Thank you for the suggestion. You know what's sad? I actually have been doing pretty damn well about keeping myself busy and not thinking about him, but thinking about how to improve myself. Today just hit me like a brick wall though.
Thank you again :)
TovaBella
This forum allows us all to GET IT OUT.. but don't beat yourself up about what happened. Let our encouragement help you..not make you feel guilty or stupid. Besides we are in the same boat as you! *Hugs*
"I would change for the RIGHT GIRL and WILL."
Done sourcing
He did that to me all the time
thats no so bad..
Give yourself time to move
That's so good for you that
7yearitch
"Don't miss the magic of the
Thank you, Kiwi2005
TovaBella
Holding on
Thank you, Done sourcing
You too?
Smitten Kitten
a couple weeks ago, I was
wacaet, thank you.
consider yourself lucky
girlsinger, thank you
Oh geez u too! STOP! No good
Grrr...Hunter! Why :(
I know, Hunter.
I understand TovaBella
To Free
Thanks Free2bMe4582
Don't be hard on yourself