Smitten Kitten's Story

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#1 May 17 - 3AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Smitten Kitten's Story

When I joined this site a few weeks ago, I was still in shock from the pain of being dumped by what I now know to be a textbook, Narcissist. As I mentioned in a previous post, we were former classmates who hadn't seen each other in 28 years who reconnected on Facebook and ended up having a long-distance relationship for a little over a year. Up until then, I had been faithfully married for over 20 years, but having a lot of problems in my marriage (internet porn, lack of physical affection, and basically a sexless marriage for the past few years), which left me open and vulnerable to the Narc's attention. I never thought in a million years that our initial online interaction would lead to anything, because for one, I'm married and always took my vows very seriously and wasn't looking for an outside relationship, and two, I live clear across the country, so logistically it would be fairly impossible.

For several months we were just friends and didn't interact any differently than we did with other people on FB. Looking back though, and knowing what I know now, I see that was part of the strategy. He was just slowly getting to know me better and I didn't have my guard up, because it never occurred to me I needed to. At some point I realized he was flirting with me and I have to admit I enjoyed it. I wasn't as consciously aware of my role in it at the time, but in hindsight, I see that I was flirting back more than I initially believed I was. What's wrong with a little innocent flirting I told myself? Nothing can come of it (false security about my marital and geographic barriers). I have since learned the hard way, there is no such thing as "innocent" flirting. Any flirting is playing with fire. Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it the "innocent" flirting escalated into major flirting and talking on the phone, and what amounted to a cyber sexual & emotional affair. Within about 6 weeks of when the flirting really escalated, I found myself taking a trip to visit family and friends where he lives, which is where I'm from, and of course we met up and the affair became physical at that point.

As is typical with these relationships I've learned, the beginning was a whirlwind, too-good-to-be-true romance. That should have been a red flag right there, but I was too busy being swept off my feet to notice. I had never in my life (I'm 46) been with someone so romantic, tender & affectionate who made me realize what I had been missing in my life: chemistry, passion, intimacy, love. Needless to say, within a short time he led me to believe he wanted a future with me, said and did everything "right" until I fell in love with him, then proceeded to start pulling away for no apparent reason (about 6 months into the relationship).

The last 6 months was a constant roller coaster of mind games, baffling, hot and cold behavior, gaslighting, mixed messages, and lying as I later discovered. There were times it seemed as if he was purposely trying to drive me away so that I would be the one to call it quits and be the "bad guy" but then he wouldn't let go. Every time I reached my limit and was "done" he would come chasing after me again and pull me back in. I don't know how many times this happened but it got to the point I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In spite of all that, I kept trying to make the relationship work because I was so attached to him and anytime there was a threat of it ending, the pain was unbearable. I couldn't imagine my life without him at that point and didn't want to give up what we had (the passion, intimacy, over-the-top chemistry and amazing sex). I was seriously considering giving up my life and leaving my husband to move there and be with him. Plus I have friends and family there and want to move back anyway, but he was the real catalyst for speeding things up.

I went out to see him a total of 4 times last year. The first two times were still during the Honeymoon period and are my fondest memories of us. That is the part I miss so much now. The amazing connection and bonding that took place, especially the second time. We continued to grow closer after I returned from that trip, but I remember the first time I felt him pulling away, which was about 6 weeks after that. It was subtle at first, one small thing at a time. After I noticed all these things starting to add up I questioned him and he denied it, saying I was too demanding and that what he was doing apparently wasn't good enough. Hmm...... the mask was slipping, and the mind games, projecting, gaslighting, and mixed messages were starting. Let the *covert* D & D begin.

The third visit is when I experienced my first *overt* D & D. I planned an 11 day trip around his birthday and vacation time only for him to try and avoid seeing me while I was there and I was there specifically for him! On my first night I asked when we were getting together and he was vague and non-commital at best. Fortunately I was staying with my best friends and when they saw the games he was playing told me to ignore him and quit talking to him. Well, we all know what he did when I did that. Couldn't track me down fast enough - numerous phone calls, text messages, apologies, I love you, please don't go, etc. This went on all week. A ridiculous roller coaster of insecurity - seeing him one day and having amazing sex, but wondering if it would be the last time, him blowing me off the next day confirming my worst fears, me then ignoring him or calling it quits, and him chasing after me again.

At one point he said, "What if we never talk again after you leave, are you going to be ok with that?" Of course I wasn't ok with that, but he said he couldn't continue like this - the sneaking around, the long distance, there was no future in it, and he was now feeling guilty about my husband. Yeah right. He doesn't do guilt - he even said that to me once. And he also knew all these things about me when he set his sights on me and pursued me to begin with. So this was hanging over my head all week, but I wanted to make the most of the time I had with him. On my second to last night there he broke it off with me and said we would never talk again. He sat there cooly detached and watched me sob hysterically, balling my eyes out for I don't know how long and I told him this was his idea, not mine, and not what I wanted.

The following morning my friend asked me what the outcome was and I told her, "We're not going to talk anymore. It's over." And guess what happened next? Yep. The text messaging and phone calls started. "I don't want this, I'm sorry..... I'm already missing talking to you on the phone on my way to the gym and during my workout, and then later when I'm on my route. I want to have a future with you...... I love you...... blah, blah, blah." I ignored several calls before finally answering. It was my last day there and he wanted to see me and take me to get something to eat. I told him no, I already had plans with my friends and we were having a BBQ with some other friends. He asked a few times if he would get to see me at all and I said no. So what does he do? Later on that evening, as we're all hanging out in the backyard, he shows up unannounced! And yes, we talked, he played the broken-hearted, I'm sorry, I want you and love you card, gave me a card and a little teddy bear (yuck), gave me false hope, and reeled me back in.... again.

Of course, after I returned home, things were ok for a few days, but then they started going downhill again. It wasn't even a roller coaster anymore with highs and lows, but a continuous downward spiral for me over the next 3 weeks. I tried going NC at that point but only lasted 2 1/2 days. Every day I didn't talk to him only got worse, not better. Of course, I didn't have any idea what I was dealing with then, I was just very confused and trying to figure it all out, AND TRYING TO STILL MAKE IT WORK! I was still clinging to the memory of the first 6 months and trying to get back there.

As luck would have it (or unluck as I consider it now), I had to go back out there in December for a wedding. Somehow the relationship had "improved" in between this time by returning to a roller coaster instead of a downward spiral (funny what we'll consider acceptable when we're desperate). He was "trying" again. I know now that he was just stringing me along until he found new supply. Anyway, one of his complaints for the past few months had been that if he really meant as much to me as I said he did, he wanted to come first instead of my husband. He wanted me to prove it to him. So I did, or so I thought, but of course you can't prove anything to a Narc and no amount of anything you do will ever be enough. I not only went for the wedding, but stayed for the entire month and through the Holidays to spend them with him. I was more invested in that relationship than my marriage. The first couple weeks of that trip were pretty good, except for the game playing and drama. The arguing that would inevitably break out because of his interaction with other women. The second couple of weeks started reminding me of the trip when I was out for his birthday, only not as bad. His excuse was, what's the point? Next week you'll be returning home to your husband.

He took me to a New Year's Eve Party where I didn't know anyone, and basically ignored me the whole time, treating me like a buddy instead of someone he supposedly loved. He wandered off immediately after we arrived and left me on my own. When I spotted him I went over to him and he walked away again. At that point I wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy dog, but I don't have a good poker face, and it was obvious I wasn't very happy. Of course, he later pointed this out to me, about how I'm so negative and unhappy. I used to be a lot of fun and the life of the party, but he sucked the life out of me. He even rejected me at Midnight during the New Year's kiss and someone got a picture of that - him standing there stiffly with his arms at his sides while my arms are around his neck trying to kiss him, with him barely kissing me back, coldly staring at the camera the whole time. It was humiliating.

My BIG D&D as I'm calling it now came a little over 10 weeks ago after a former girlfriend of over 25 years ago reappeared in his life and they immediately picked up where they left off. This was only 3 weeks after I returned home. He let me know by posting it all over Facebook. Pictures of the two of them kissing, holding hands, and hugging at a party. Plus the status updates he posted to go along with them that were heartbreaking to me. He pretty much announced to all our mutual friends this was his new girlfriend. The really messed up part though is that he was so mean about it. Not only was he indiscreet and insensitive to my feelings, he rubbed my face in it. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart by dumping me the way he did, he had to crush me in the process. He had already de-friended me so I couldn't see what he was posting, so he made sure to describe everything in excruciating detail over the phone. All of it. The "soft, sensuous kiss" between them caught on camera, how everyone at the party thought she was "The One" for him and she was a keeper, how she was the life of the party, and how they liked her so much better than me (these were the same people who had the New Year's party). And he slept with her and had sex with her that same night.

He kept calling me and texting for the next several weeks even though he now had a new GF, changed his relationship status on FB and practically made his FB page a shrine to her. And he opened his page up to Friends of Friends, which he'd never done before, just so I could see the progression of his relationship. He wanted to keep me around as a friend and back up supply to listen to him talk about his relationship with his new GF and to hurt me some more. He made sure to tell me about all the gifts he got her for Valentine's Day, and even insisted on reading what he wrote inside one of the 4 cards he got her. When I repeatedly said, I don't want to hear it and he proceeded to try and tell me, saying "Yeah you do...." I hung up on him.

I finally went completely NC 4 weeks ago today. Up until then I had tried and would avoid his calls and texts for 2 or 3 days but he would wear me down and I would respond, even if it was just to fight with him. He knew exactly which buttons to push. But every time I did he only hurt me more and proved what a sadistic son-of-a-bitch he really is. I couldn't believe the things he was telling me about the new GF, the previous GF, and the lies he admitted to. He told me hurtful things there was no reason to mention at that point except for the sake of being cruel, just to rub salt in the wounds. And how I realized in horror that ALL OF IT, EVERYTHING, the entire relationship had been one big lie! None of it was real!

The last contact we had it was finally over, because I think he realized I wasn't going to give him the supply he needed when I told him for the umpteenth time he couldn't talk to me about his new GF and he had no use for me anymore. He sent me a text telling me to never contact him again in any form. I sent him one last text saying it would be the last he'd ever hear from me and that he was dead to me now.

May 18 - 6PM
heritage
heritage's picture

smitten kitten

I can so relate to your story. We met at a wedding 5 years ago and began dating the next day. He came on strong. Brought me to his house, physical began. Took me to dinner, walk buy the ocean kissing. All on second date. He asked me about my misery in my current marriage. Told him it's beeen dead for 15 years. We became very close quicjly. He had photos of me everywhere in his house, wroye me the most beautiful cards, visited our families together, cooked together New years eve we always got dressed up cooked and had a very intimate night. They were magical. I had the mean of my dreams and he told me constantly there will never be another...I was it. Went looking for a beachouse together. It was unreal. WE shared all of our intimate thoughts, our dreams our fears. He knew what I was mjissing in a relationship. Bought me expensive things, gave me money, wines and dines me cooked for me, treated me like a queen. He gave me the kmoney to get divorced. He was currently involved in a 6 year divorce. He walked out on 2 teenagers and wife.It bothered me but he told me it was all his ex.So at the 41/2 year mark and 7 months before my div was to be final he started pulling away. Went to his surprise 50th and he didn't come near me once. Spent the entire night alone. Only knew a few people. I kept asking him as my div was getting closer and I needed him more than anything and he's nowhere to bge found. He tells me he's waiting on sidelines until divorce. Nothing was making sense. Plus he was going to support me after div. He volunteered this. I never asked for a nickel. He is very wealthy. Then he stops calling me to and from work. He did the for 4 years. He tells me I don't like talking on the phone. Again made no sense. Then there is a surprise party for his offfice mgr and I was invited as his guest (he's a DR) and he tells me I am not taking you. I was crying hysterically asking him why and he said because I don't want you there. I was so devastated., I cried foir hours then drove by the restaurant and saw his car. Made me so hurt, so sad. Then we would be out to dinner and he screamed ate because i didn't like my meal. I ran out of the restaurant hysterical. He chased after me. He threatedned to leave me in a hotel because he saw a man staring at me. I cri8ed again. Then we had season tickts to a football game and he stopped taking me , said he had work to do. I would go over his house on a sat, make a nice romantic dinner, clean up and then he handed me a remote went to the other room and said he had work to do. IT was horrible. A month before div he told me to put it on hold. He continued to devalue me then walked out completely. I didn't divorce because I was deoendent on him financially. A month after he ditched me he was with old gf from 2004. I am beyond devastated. He was a big lie. He abandon his ex and 2 kids and then me. Haven't talked to him since Jan. I wrote him a text and told him I know he has NPD. He knew he was never going to marry me. He played with my heart and head.
May 18 - 4PM
hryan77
hryan77's picture

very similar

mine is similar too...reconnected on FB, we went to hs together, he was just getting divorced...when I'd push away because things were moving so fast and i wasn't sure if I could handle the ex wife and three kids and his job (COP), he'd threatened suicide and would sob.... then when I moved in things changed... Stay strong, I've been dealing with him lashing out via text today...but I won't answer!
May 18 - 4PM
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

SK (reaching over to give you a big hug)

Hi SK, I feel exactly where you are coming from with your story. We have a lot of similarities with our ex-N's. They must have both gone to the same Narc training academy, haha. Assholes! I'm sending you a PM too :) Stay strong with your NC...he deserves NOTHING from you! Yours, TovaBella
May 18 - 3PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Everyone

for your supportive comments and taking the time to read my loooong story. And that doesn't even tell it all, as I'm sure you realize. I could write a whole story on the first big D&D alone during his birthday week and the 3 weeks that followed where things got worse. It's truly amazing how similar they all are.
May 18 - 2PM
adoette
adoette's picture

super hero

Wow. You express your experience so well and capture the essence of an N...we have many similarities in our stories (re-met on FB, he lives across the country, I've been married 20 years, I never thought this could happen to me, the excessive pulling away, mind games during visits). Thanks for sharing your story with such candor. It is such a crazy-making experience, it helps to know that we are not alone. Remember that he is the f**ks**t, not you. If you've gone 4 weeks NC, kudos to you...you have the strength of a super hero.
May 18 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Adoette

I wrote this about 5 weeks ago and Michele recently re-posted it as she has some others. I've actually been NC 9 weeks now, but it's been rough. I fight the urge all the time. Not to reach out, but to tell him off. Today I have been so angry and I've had to restrain myself from sending a nasty text. The main thing that stops me is KNOWING he will get off on my anger. He enjoys pissing me off and I refuse to give him one more ounce of pleasure at my expense.
May 17 - 7PM
Avid
Avid's picture

so freaking sad

It appears that they are made from the same cookie cutter. I just have to say reading your story it is so similar to mine the ex n that I was with has tried to hurt me had much as he can and then he feels like he is God. When I have tried no contact in the past he would go crazy calling me just to hurt me once I communicating with him again. I will be one happy camper when and if I ever get over this lie I have been living.
May 17 - 7PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

so sad I hate these

so sad I hate these fuckers keep up the NC and it will get better
May 17 - 8AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

OMG, SK. This is one helluva

OMG, SK. This is one helluva story. I'm sooo sorry. I could *feel* your pain as I read this. Stay strong....stay NC. He's a bad guy. They are all just bad, bad guys. If only...we got rewind buttons, knowing what we now know. {{{hugs}}}