As I start to write I already feel tears because one of the main reasons I came here was because my very close friends are over my stories and tears and back and forths with him. I've been with this person for almost 4 years now and it has been a crazy game that has stolen most of my security and confidence. Unfortunately, I haven't been strong at all with this and always fall back into him when he returns. I also have believed everything he throws at me - that it is always me and my fault.
We began seeing each other 4 years ago, and as with all of the other stories, it was an amazing beginning. I had just divorced after a 13 year marriage that had turned into roommates, and he made me feel like "Wow, so this is what real love is." He told me how lucky he was to have me and all the other usual compliments and doting. It didn't take long for the N behavior to start. I don't remember the timing but there was an incident that I considered very minor that had him saying he didn't think we should be together. I was floored and immediately started to apologize. This, of course, began our pattern. We would date and things would be great, something would happen that would anger him, I would apologize and beg and plead because it was my fault, he'd forgive me and "give me another chance."
This continued for 3 years, then we had a bigger breakup that lasted for 3 months. He started seeing his neighbor, and I was devastated. We started NC and it lasted three weeks, then he came back; of course, all of this was my fault, and he was again giving me "a chance" to be with him. Eight weeks later, he broke up with me again to "find himself," dated two girls, then came back. This has happened three times. And every time, it was my fault because I didn't value him enough, I didn't realize what I had, that I took him for granted, and I didn't know the opportunity he was giving me to be with him.
Through the entire thing, I've believed him that this was all me, to the point that I started to see a counselor to figure out what issues I had. I have never been successful at NC, which I cannot understand. I often feel he has a power over me that nothing else in my life has. My closest friends said he has stolen who I am and that he has broken me to the point that I can't see what is really happening.
At this point, I am still blaming myself for everything. I am a successful executive at a Fortune 100 company. I am financially independent, and without arrogance, I've been told that I am a very attractive woman. From the outside looking in, my friends and others can not understand why I'm so hung up on this guy. He has such control over me.
The last time we broke up, it was 3 days after we returned from a carribbean vacation where we discussed marriage as well as vacation plans for the summer. Without warning, he said he could no longer be with me, that I didn't keep my end of the bargain (whatever that means!) and that he was leaving. I now know all of these instances are D & D.
He has contacted me every day and I've responded. It the typical cycle...when I begin to retreat, he comes back full force, so I respond, and he retreats. Such a nightmare cycle.
The final instance was this past week. My grandmother, who was the dearest soul to me, died on Saturday, and my ex heard and reached out to me to "support" me. Back to the beginning behavior. He traveled to my hometown for the vistation, but I knew my family would not welcome him because they have watched me go through this. I went to dinner with him then went to the vistation alone. He continued the doting through the day of the funeral and literally within 30 minutes of the service being over, I get a text that he is going to say goodbye. That I turned him away at the visitation and didn't value him for everything. He even used the death of my grandmother as a way to attract attention to himself and to see if he still controlled me. We started NC yesterday, and he has already broken it. And I allowed it. He was traveling for work and was happy when he got on the plane, then was upset when he got off. The story of my life for the last four years. I told him to no longer contact me, so we are about two hours into it. Smile.
I am heart broken, spirit broken and so confused I'm not sure how to move forward. While I do my best, I am stuck in the crazy making and believe I am the issue and that no one else will have me. I have four years worth of stories that I could share...it seems we all do. They are so bizarre that even when I say them outloud, I can't believe they are real, that I allowed them, and almost think I'm making them up. I am praying for relief and recovery. Thank you for listening.