cowgirl1's story

Hi all, I hope I have posted this in the right place. I wanted to share my story, get advice and support and move forward with life. I met my N 6 years ago, I was in the process of divorcing a man I had been with a short time, we married too young and had decided to part ways. I had just begun a new job, my N worked with me. He was married and made it clear to me from day one how miserable he was with his wife, he said terrible things about her even though she just had his child a year prior. Others at work warned me that this man had affairs with other women often and to stay away. At first, I did. Then, once my divorce was over I decided to just give him a chance, I thought he could be my "rebound" and help me recover, afterall, he was handsome, seemed funny and smart-why not was my mind set. We had a few "dates" he then began calling me many times a day, gave compliments non stop and eventually we had sex and he confessed how much he loved me. He separated from his wife and got his own apartment. All seemed great...then it began. He would shut his phone off, took away my key and wouldnt give me the same attention out of no where. I decided to walk away then, we still worked together though, i just avoided him. Even my boss confronted me that he was bad news and to stay away. I did stay away for a few weeks, I then had my traditional Halloween Party, my N asked if he could come, I said that was fine but made it clear we were over. THere would be at least 100 or so people I didnt care if he came. At the party the N physically assulted me for "talking to another man" hit his best friend in the face and pulled a gun on two of our coworkers. He was arrested that night, and lost his job. He moved back with his ex wife, but still kept calling me to blame me for what happened. He also admitted that he freaked out because he had been sleeping with his ex while with me and felt guilty so he blew up, and he had been using steroids.
Wow...looking back that should have been enough. Instead, I waited for him to have the manditory restraining order for my protection lifted, and moved him into my home from his ex wife's. We began cour ordered counseling, where the therapist asked me WHY I wanted him, right in front of him. He was enraged and walked out.She explained to me he is "not good on paper" and may not have much to offer me. We continued to see her, until he refued to go back, I still go.
While with me he paid no bills, and I worked two jobs. He then wanted custody of his twin boys (from antother woman, not the ex wife) and I helped him get his boys, she signed them over thinking our home was more stable (I have a very nice house, had high income and she couldnt provide what i could for her boys) I loved feeling like a family but i was being drained emotionally, physically and financialy. I then told the N to marry me, pay rent or get out He moved back to his ex wife's rather than do any of the above...this happened three more time over two years in my home and I always took him back. He began to pressure me to have threesomes and when I did (i thought it would make him love me) he just got colder and crueler to me. It left me hating myself sexually and him telling me he knew I was a lesbian...it was so mind numbing.
A year ago this week was the last time I made him leave my home, of course he went BACK to the ex wife, and now has his own place. During this last year we dated and he swore he wanted to make things work. He instead, was cruel, refused to give attention or compliments, would constantly sneak away to be with his ex wife, never talk about the cheating or my feelings and physically abused me numerous times, I fought back and he would call ME the abuser. I began to call him a loser, a jerk ,a cheater and tell him I hated him, but i couldnt stay away from him. I lost my job, many friends and family because they couldnt understand what I was doing.
Over the last few weeks I caught him cheating with a woman much older than me, not attractive and it crushed me. I called him sobbing, asking for my things back asking for money back...crying for my life back. This woman even shows up where my friends and I go to dinner and just stares at me. I am left wondering, is he good to her? He changed his phone number when I let him know his son's school had contacted me to tell me the boys are calling girls in class 'bitches, sluts whores ect...and asking for blow jobs'.
I am left with knowing I gave my home, my job, all of my savings, my stress and love to a man that replaced me without a second thought. is she better than me? will he be good to her??? My mind is racing, it has only been a few weeks and I am heart broken, still. I am in therapy, but I am still a mess.
Any advice is appreciated and needed.