What would it take for YOU to move on faster?

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#1 May 16 - 9AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

What would it take for YOU to move on faster?

I was thinking about this and MY answer was, TO KNOW his other relationship is just as loaded with the same lies, abuse and sick games he played with me. TO KNOW what he does behind her back, TO KNOW he is ALSO ridden with ED with her, TO KNOW, and see him interact with all his other women he juggles, I would LOVE to hear what he says to them and I would LOVE to hear the lies he tells his GF follow him and watch him stop by for a quick one, follow him home and watch how he acts when he walks in the house as if NOTHING happened and then sits down to a nice warm meal.

I would get this SOB out of my head and heart soooo fast, probably just as fast as I fell for the piece of shit. But that is why we have each other, we really have to believe each other and KNOW this is what they do.

Then again, I DID see him do all that, WITH ME!!

May 17 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

moving to a place where i can start a new life would help

I hate being in a rainy unfriendly city a mile down the street from his house with my stuff locked in it. I do SO MUCH BETTER and obsess so much less when I am not here, not that it erases the hard work that I need to do in therapy, but in general, being at my other place (I live in two places) makes a world of difference. I can't just up and leave because I own a business, have a bad injury right now (can't pack or fly) and it will take some initiative and planning - but I am getting the hell out of here asap. I am not rich, just a well paid so professional, so I can't be stupid about it - I have to plan it so I can afford the change. If he died i would feel no better because there was no closure - it would give me no pleasure to see him in pain either. If he dumps his new GF, I would feel no validation either. He barely knows her and is flaunting her on FB - I was never jealous, just horrified be-cause it made me realize he is a true Narc. I do believe that only time and living a full life will ease the pain of him dumping me like roadkill after a 12 yr friendship (10 yrs as lovers) Knowing the hopelessness of this disorder is really the hardest part to face. Only a fool would refuse to face the facts. We have no choice but to heal! i will heal and I will get myself into a less lonely lifestyle. I have friends here and socialize but my heart was never here. I stayed here only to make money and to be close to my x N. I am free now but I am sad that I let myself get this old, and that I let him call the shots (abandonment).
May 17 - 1PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

If he asked me to forgive him!!!!!

I want to let go. I do not want to be tied to this disordered, evil vampire. That only knows envy, and rage. If this person could say to me, I am sorry, I am sorry I lied to you. Cheated on you, raged on you. Presented to you a person that never existed. Presented to you a person with morals, a person that is capable of true love, a person that told you you were his soul mate. I am sorry I am a pathological liar. I am sorry that really, the only thing that matters to me is my fragile ego. I sorry that I abused, used and threw you away like you were a piece of toilet paper that got stuck on my shoe. I am sorry that you wasted 5 years of your life trying to love someone that can't love you back. I am sorry you made decisions, that hurt you financially, emotionally, and spiritually, because your were being abused and you did not even know it. I am sorry I am just a piece of shit, that will never amount to anything, and I tried to bring you down to my level. I am just a sorry ass, npd'er that cares nothing for anyone but myself. That has included my own Mother, my children, my many wives, and my own brother, that told me he was going to kill himself, and you could not even reach out to him. I will never hear this from hn, but is sure felt good to write this and read it. What a sorry MOTHER FUCKER Jen
May 17 - 1PM (Reply to #51)
dudette
dudette's picture

he might

and you might forgive him and that might give him an excuse to do it all over again.... those narcs are sick and twisted Dx
May 17 - 9AM
peace11
peace11's picture

A lobotomy.

Id love to forget all the pretend good times we had.
May 17 - 1PM (Reply to #49)
dudette
dudette's picture

and that

he ever existed ;-)
May 17 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

what would it take

for me to move on, to find a nice,kind man to start a friendship with ,that would be best for me, and in fantasyland, a letter from the narc apologizing for all he did to me after 15 years, but that is in MY dreams!!
May 16 - 10PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

WELL NLB you'd THINK that

WELL NLB you'd THINK that reading article after article about his 16 indictments and subsequent pleading guilty to third-degree theft and fraud would be all it takes to get me past this. But NO! Not ME who loved him as a little girl at fourteen...he's going to CHANGE, better his life! Bullshit we are already back as friends on FB and all I see on his page are one woman who saw him at a club and came on FB posting to him asking where he went to and he was kind of avoiding her and then said but I;ll see you at that bar next week! and two mintues later ANOTHER single mid-aged brunette posts on his page "Hey, you too know each other??!!", and he wrote "yeah through Jane Doe kinda sorta". I mean this fucking lunatic has women who he's obviously fucked and left and conned and now other women are chasing him and the old flames are getting furious including me although I am kind of having a laugh at how pathetic it all is. And this guy steals people's vehicles and says he is their broker???? YOU WOULD THINK that would be enough for me. I'm such a sick girl. I am trying to get better, to get clear, to start listening to all of my friends say to me "what? this friend of yours was indicted for grand larseny? You should never, ever talk to a person like this". Go figure.
May 16 - 10PM
Gravity
Gravity's picture

I would LOVE nothing more

I would LOVE nothing more than to compare notes with his ex girlfriend. We met twice when she came to visit him at our old job and we hit it off right away. We seemed SO similar it was strange. We both had the same outgoing hyper personality. We chatted eachothers ears off like old friends the second we met. She mentioned to another girl at work that she thought something was going on between us so maybe it was overcompensation. But either way.. clearly had her head in the right place.. she thought i was scamming on her boyfriend (she was right) and she was killing me with kindness. I like her style. When they were together he always used to post status's such as: "The girl in front of me had a rockin thong today! NICE!" or "Thank you creator of girls stretch pants!" while they were together. So I can ONLY imagine the level of respect he had for her. And before I knew him without his mask on I read those status's and thought to myself "UGH if that was my boyfriend I would have ripped him a new one!" but now i realize if they were together over 2 years.. she probably didnt say anything because she knew it wasn't worth the fight. THe guy I KNOW would have invalidated her feelings and made her feel like a super jealous girlfriend when we all know this is NOT the case. How embarrassing for her! All of her friends and family members were mutual friends with him.. what a jerk! Course these are all stories i've told myself.. I don't know for sure exactly went on in their relationship and I would LOVELOVELOVE to know.. because in pictures they looked very happy and very close. Knowing they lasted so long has been a huge setback for me. He also has another exgf who I know is a HUGE NS supplier and according to him "their relationship was all about sex" (uhh thanks for the update fyi..) BUT she comments on his wall all the time saying rude things like "suck a dick" and on his birthday she said "happy birthday crazy!" HAHA could not have picked a more appropriate adjective myself. Seems like she's still desperate for his attention.. probably doesn't know about NPD. Eh, I guess I just thought out loud (or via text) and validated my own feelings. Still would be nice to chat with one of them though..
May 17 - 9PM (Reply to #45)
stephanie
stephanie's picture

gravity

My ex N started seeing someone after I moved out but while he was still around trying to get me to come back. once a cheater! I wanted to warn her but dared not because what if she told him? I knew who she was from the skydiving community but she didn't know me? I was sure he would find out. He was lying to both of us...I know because after the last crazy episode with her she called me....left me a message saying she was afraid. I called her back and told her he could never know because he would literally kill us both. she said she was done with him! she hasn't answered any of his calls or texts. We got together and compared notes....he was lying his crazy ass off to us both....he said that she told him she loved him but he hadn't said it back when in reality he told her that after a few days! Told her that he hadn't spoken to me in months when he had been calling or texting me daily! Once she got upset with him and demanded he take her home a couple of hours away and he told me that she had seen texts from me and thats why she stopped seeing him...he found me and terrorized me over this! when in REALITY...he was looking through his travel bag for something and a pair of panties fell out!!! thats what she was angry over! he tried to explain it away by saying he had accidentally picked them up at a friends girlfriends apartment while he was changing clothes...yeah right! she eventually took him back, we all know the drill! He threatened to kill me over that because it was "my fault" that she wouldn't talk to him. I was convinced that he had treated her much better than he had me.I knew he was calling me to try and take out his craziness on me so that he wouldn't scare her off. but eventually his true self came out and he did treat her badly, but not for long, she didn't put up with his crap!...turns out she's a very smart girl and with her encouragement and friendship I'm finding it a bit easier to close the door on this freak! He can never know that we talked ever. I believe you're right he's a psychopath! He is still threatening me but i am taking necessary action and hopefully eventually he will leave me alone...I can only hope! Thank you for being here. Its easier with support...
May 16 - 8PM
Tinker
Tinker's picture

we all know...

that their relationships are all lies! i've been NC since friday only:) but on wednesday he was trying to arrange to see me after only them being tog for 3 weeks. i told him he KNOWS he won't be with her long which ticked him off good, then he told me he suggested humiliating sex so i'd say no so he wasn't technically going to cheat, what a scum... i know what he was with me, what he is with her, who he is inside and out and it terrifies him. what i'd like??? to totally forget any good feelings i had (i'm VERY forgiving and accepting) toward him, all the good times. then it would be easy, no CD, no PTSD, just F-him and move on. THAT would make it easy.
May 17 - 10PM (Reply to #43)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

So Smitten...you mean you

So Smitten...you would like to take a video recorder of that first day, that first talk, and rewind it and erase, erase, erase, erase....none of it ever happened.
May 16 - 8PM (Reply to #42)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That would work for me too

"what i'd like??? to totally forget any good feelings i had toward him, all the good times. then it would be easy, no CD, no PTSD, just F-him and move on. THAT would make it easy" It's when my mind returns to the good times and the amazing sex. If I could forget all that, it would be so much easier.
May 16 - 2PM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Movin on..

Yup would be great to know that he is treating the OW the same way but mine stressed that they are not monogamous, she is not his GF and they are doing some sexual shit like swinging, orgies, etc. So how can I move on from that? He took me to dinner on Valentines day and took me away...but in the month we were together (3rd time after NC) he went to spend 2 weekends with her in FL but lied about where he was...........ugh......... I'm dating and spending time with others but no one compares to the good times we had when we had them and that sucks, I just want to find someone nice and move on, or know that he is treating the OW badly. Mine took a different approach after last breakup so that's what still bothers me. He came right out and said he didn't want a commitment so I'm sure he's happy doing whatever
May 16 - 11PM (Reply to #39)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

afraid no one will compare -

But now i am beginning to wonder were the good times really that good? I always felt slightly weird around him - even when we were cooking together in the kitchen, normally a fun thing to make a feast with someone, something always felt off...like he was not really happy that we were sharing and just likes to eat!! We often ate in silence...I guess there was a coldness there when he was not in full control playing his games and then he would be very happy and laughing and sweet... I think I got addicted to the sex because that was the only place where he acted like a normal guy...and a very nice guy in the bedroom... I have and had all the knowledge and facts that it could take to scare a person away... Even with this knowledge, I hung in there and believed he loved me and recently even broke contact - even tho he has a hooker looking GF on FB hugging him!!! I got bit bad and it is taking me longer than others to get my mind back...
May 17 - 10PM (Reply to #40)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Fgotit...WHO says it's taking

Fgotit...WHO says it's taking you longer to get your mind back?? Are you kidding? Honey!...it's been five months since the D&D and I am REELING from pain and abandonment. OMG you are so not alone!!!
May 16 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Neverlookback

You are right when you say that is why we have eachother. We may never know, we need to provide the closure for ourselves. The questions, thoughts you have are so very normal, I think we all have them, but I'm not sure that would even help us move forward as it's not just about how they are with the new one...it is everything WE've been through with them, it is absorbing what this illness is and how their illness affected us, harmed us, broke us... I think in a way, thinking that if we had those answers we'd be able to move on, I don't think that's true but I identify with those thoughts 200 percent...I had them, but I believe everything I've read and I accept it. I think that focusing on that is still giving our thoughts to them, it is still looking outside...I think if we can separate ourselves from those thoughts and turn them more towards us - completely towards us, that eventually healing will come. AND I think that TIME and understanding and sharing is just the nature of the beast with this scenario. There is no fastrack. Hugs!
May 16 - 1PM
dudette
dudette's picture

he has

done all of that I know that he has cheated on OW and I know that both OWs that I am aware of have been badly treated and official OW has already complained to his ex wife about it - I say it is none of my problem. Yes it is validating in a way but I always knew that the time would come so it is only mildly validating What would help me move on? if he died that would help considerably or was left destitute and alone....
May 16 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
Arwen
Arwen's picture

Ah Dudette...Death where is

Ah Dudette...Death where is thy sting? LOL would also be the best for me. Just take your disgusting, pathetic shell of a human being and go back to the Devil that spawned you.
May 16 - 3PM (Reply to #35)
terri
terri's picture

dudette

"if he died, that would help considerably" OMG! LOL!!!!!!!!!!! That gave me the biggest laugh today. Actually, I've been pretty successful lately to think of my exN as dead. Hopefully, he'll decide to move back to his home state of KY soon. Then he'll REALLY be dead.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 16 - 1PM
whoknew
whoknew's picture

EXACTLY!

i just said the same thing the other day. i am waiting for him to dump her or start doing the same shit so that i can feel some kind of validation that she isnt any better or more special that i am. i know i am special and loving, etc. in my head but...i dont have to explain, i know you guys know what i mean. i feel like i put up with all this shit and did all this shit for him and she has the new and improved model and its not fair. i did all the work and i feel like she is benefitting somehow, even tho i know they never change and its only a matter of time but still. im out 7 weeks so its still all really raw for me right now. maybe its because she is the first ow or the one he ran right to but i want to see it crumble; maybe i wont care so much about the next one. i guess i need to see the pattern start over again with another female to somehow believe what i already know in my head...that they treat us all the same eventually. grrrr, this can be so frustrating trying to figure out what the hell i feel and what the hell is real and coming to terms with everything that has happened.
May 16 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I'm right there now too but i

I'm right there now too but i think it won't be happening anytime soon because this chick is so dense . and she is the type who strokes egos and caters alot i think or that is how she is portraying herself.
May 16 - 12PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I hate to even say this I

I hate to even say this I need another man to move on faster or moreso a distraction. I need something to distract me so I won't think about him as much.
May 16 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

findingmeagain....

I "NEED" another man to move on faster or for distraction?" It is that thought right there that keeps us repeating the same patterns with different actors. It more than likely will be "substitution" and attracting the same TYPE of abuser until the work is done and you can see clearly. It's like a lot of the meds out there today - they don't CURE, just MASK the symptoms... Just my two cents...but I do identify, and relate to that sense of feeling so desperate one would do whatever it takes to make this "all go away" and distract us...unfortunately, when we cater to those types of actions, nothing changes and you can't keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome...they have a word for that... SOMETHING I don't believe any of us are. Hugs!
May 16 - 3PM (Reply to #30)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Sorry michelle thats how i

Sorry michelle thats how i FEEL i've not made contact but i still think of him and talk about him a great deal. it seems like the only way to stop thinking about him is simply get someone else to take up my time of all this thinking. i did it the first time i can do it again. actually i'm not even talking about a serious relationship just someone to hang out with. i'm very lonely and bored. and being with this mf has made me feel terrible, i'm basically living a old woman's life and i'm only in my early 30s. i'm tired of feeling and thinking like this. its almost like he is still controlling me and he isn't even here anymore.
May 17 - 12AM (Reply to #31)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

findingmeagain

You don't have to apologize for your feelings, they are valid and normal. In hindsight however, had I been aware of the patterns earlier, had I known all that was laid out before me when I went crashing full speed into the wall... I might have had the opportunity to know what needed to be done to get my head together so that I could attract healthy people. I would not have wasted time looking for "distractions" to avoid that which was causing fear and anxiety and loneliness but learned how to fill myself so that I felt complete, centered and knew who I was which would have allowed me to know who and what I wanted and not wasted time. Instead, avoiding and yes, at times choosing to be alone but still not feeling filled, that which I did not know or realize affected me on a number of fronts, not just "love life" and at this juncture, I don't think I'm too old, not by a long shot, but I wasted a lot of years and a lot of tears doing the same things and wondering why they never panned out for me. I think at this point, I am definitely wiser. I am okay with being alone and I'm alone on a lot of fronts but I am okay with it and working on some things...and it's a process I'm choosing to go through, although everyone has a different approach. BUT as someone a bit older than you, if I had it to do over, if I were fortunate enough to know what you know now, I would do things a little differently...I WOULD, for ME, I'm not judging you or how you choose to do things and again, you don't have to feel sorry or say sorry for your feelings, I truly do relate but for me, it would just feel empty to me which is why I would choose not to engage...or risk getting attached when I'm not where I feel I need to be. Hugs!
May 16 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
whoknew
whoknew's picture

i have been seeing other

i have been seeing other people, it has only helped me when i am with them but as soon as i leave, i still think about my ex n. i keep saying time will heal all...its only been 7 weeks of nc. i keep dating and pushing forward in that aspect. i do wish it would start working already tho but i know i gotta deal with all this crap and get my mind right first. i wish i was able to replace him just as easy as he was able to replace me but i happen to have a heart.
May 16 - 3PM (Reply to #27)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

if i was seeing someone else

if i was seeing someone else i would be killing two birds with one stone. he would be very angry and jealous about this (that would be so blissful to me lol) and i would not be lonely at all my mind would be occupied with this other person .
May 17 - 1AM (Reply to #28)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

not me

i want to feel better about myself and more whole before I try again. I think it would be unfair to some poor guy to have me now with all these unresloved emotions.. but I fear i will never want to be close to a man after this experience.
May 16 - 11AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I KNOW mine will do the same thing

I already saw signs of him starting to make the same mistakes with the new GF that he did with me because of his DISORDER, and it gave me more insight into a lot of the things that transpired between us and the way he distorts things in his mind. After the last big D&D, we were still communicating for several weeks before finally going NC. Here are some of the things he revealed: On Valentine's Day, ONLY 2 WEEKS into the relationship, he was telling me about the dinner he had with her the night before (nice guy, right?) since he was trying to make me his new friend and confidante. He mentioned a couple of things she said to him that he took to be "complaints" (they weren't), and even acknowledged he may be misinterpreting incorrectly and reading into them (he was), but said he wasTURNED OFF by them nonetheless. He told me about the gifts he'd already given her at the restaurant the night before and that he was also having a dozen roses, chocolates & a teddy bear delivered to her work that day, but now regretted it and wished he wasn't based on her comments the night before. Comments that were NOT NEGATIVE, he just DISTORTED them. A week or two later, he told me how he hadn't heard from her all day, that she hadn't responded to any of his calls or texts so far and it was early afternoon. This was after they had spend an intimate night together (loved how he shared these details with me). He asked me, how can you be so intimate with someone one night and then not talk to them the next day? I told him, welcome to MY world! Then he said he was going to start backing away and not come on so strong. He had been love bombing her all over FB for the past few weeks, posting all kinds of gushy stuff, and changed his relationship status and profile picture to one of the 2 of them after only a week. Because she hadn't responded to his messages at that point (she has a really busy job), he said he already deleted some of the comments he'd posted on his page and changed his profile picture to just himself. Games! This is the kind of crap he did with me after the COVERT D&Ding started 6 months in. He never had a profile pic of the 2 of us because our affair was a secret, but he would do other things to send me mixed messages. So later on, she finally sends him a text saying it was a crazy day at work, and I don't know what else she wrote because I told him not to tell me, but she signed it with XOXOXO and some hearts. And instead of appreciating it and realizing she was busy and not ignoring him, he complains to me that he didn't think the message was very personal or loving and pretty GENERIC. I told him I thought it was personal, but he didn't. IT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR HIM! Just like NOTHING ever WILL be! I was of course, validated by all of this because I could see how he was going to screw up this relationship just like he does ALL of them, even with this new woman who was so SPECIAL. The DEVALUING was already starting, only it will be months before she even knows it's happening most likely. But she may start seeing the mixed messages, like why would he post something on his page about her and then delete it? Why did he change his profile pic? He changed it back of course, but here comes the hot & cold, push-pull. By him "confiding" those things to me, I got the opportunity to be a "fly on the wall" of sorts and it made me realize where so much of the miscommunication and blaming originated from in our relationship. Not only do they speak word salad, but apparently they HEAR word salad as well. They DISTORT everything and ultimately ruin their own chance at happiness.
May 16 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
Used
Used's picture

SMITTEN KITTEN

YOU ARE SO RIGHT, THE OTHER THING IS MYNARC USED TO DO THIS TO ME ABOUT WOMEN AND PART OF ME USED TO THINK SHOULD I BE LISTENING TO THIS BUT THE OTHER PART USED TO SAY WELL HE IS ONLY A FRIEND SO IT LIKE HE IS TALKING TO ANOTHER MAN. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SUCH A LIGHTBULB MOMENT, WHEN HE SAID I CANT DO RELATIONSHIPS THEY ALL FAIL[SUPRISE SUPRISE] I ONLY HAVE WOMEN FRIENDS, SO WHEN OW CAME AND TOLD ME THEY WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP, SHE ALSO SAID BUT SO ARE YOU NARC TOLD ME YOU HAVE MET SOMEONE NAME WHATEVER,MY POINT IS THO HE CALLED OW A LIAR,SHE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS A RELATIONSHIP I DIDNT HE SAID, I RELIZED HE TALKED ABOUT ME TO HER AS WELL[SO THEY MUST DO IT TO ALL WOMEN] HE TOLD ME ABOUT A WOMEN HE KNEW WHO SAID TO HIM ARE YOU TRYING TO WIND ME UP, AND I SAID WHERE YOU TALKING ABOUT WOMEN AGAIN, HE WENT REALY NUTS,SO EVEN WITH THEIR [RELATIONSHIPS] THEY TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMEN OMG I AM SO GLAD I WASENT A RELATIONSHIP. OMGXXXX