Are there different levels of NS? What do you all think?

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#1 May 11 - 1PM
TovaBella
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Are there different levels of NS? What do you all think?

I'm still processing everything from my last post last night, but I had a thought and thought I'd reach out and ask your opinions. By the way, I want to tell you all how much you mean to me. If it wasn't for this forum and all th beautiful people on it, I don't know what I would do. So again, thank you.

Okay, so I had this thought about NS. Do you believe there's different levels of NS. For example, N's need NS, but do you think that they obtain more from a new NS or from an older one...a recycled one? Or do you believe NS is just NS? I had this thought because I've known my ex-N for almost six years. I know all the names of his OW and things about them. In fact, I'd bring up them up back before I fully realized what he was and I believe it further added to his ego. That is, until I pegged him for what he is and started bringing up how he screwed each one over and how he made horrible choices and hurt others.

Anyway, I realized that before REALLY knew what he was, I think me having history with him and I knew his past, that he received a double dose of NS from me. Or is NS just NS...doesn't matter if he has history with the person or not. I'd be interested in hearing what any opinions from any of you.

Okay, I'm back to mentally processing...

Yours,
TovaBella

May 11 - 4PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Tova

I can't say with certainty...but I tend to think that the mere fact that a Narc can't attach - supply is supply... If you look at how they can dump you and keep walking without looking back...from night to day it's as if from their perspective the relationship NEVER existed. You start getting mixed messages, word salad, sick crap! Convuluted CRAP! The disorder emerges in full force, you wonder who the heck you've been spending time with - they become possessed by some unknown creature from one moment to the next! If you examine how sadistic and cruel they become when they want to jet...you see how shallow and superficial it all really was. So in terms of supply being more valuable, or significant to a narc - the only thing significant to them is their false and inflated EGO. People are props, appliances, tools, objects - no more, no less. I used the analogy of a toaster. We may find a toaster functional, it serves a PURPOSE but we don't "love" a toaster. NOW...in a Narc's distorted mind, one model might be better than the other but otherwise, supply is supply, just like toast is toast at the end of the day... Unfortunately, when it's all said and done, we become the burnt toast, and he might keep the toaster but throw out the toast. Hard pill to swallow, but better we face the facts now and get our heads together and mend our hearts, than to hold on to an illusion that serves no purpose in our reaching our fullest potential. Hugs!
May 12 - 5PM (Reply to #42)
TovaBella
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Michele 115...so right.

Michele 115, I totally see where you are coming from and I know that my experience with the my ex-N fits what you described. Especially this part: "So in terms of supply being more valuable, or significant to a narc - the only thing significant to them is their false and inflated EGO. People are props, appliances, tools, objects - no more, no less." I don't think I'll ever quite understand my ex-N's mind fully...but I consider this a good thing...because I'm nothing like him. He always use to say that we were so much alike. His exact words were, "TovaBella, I agree with what you said...see, we think the same...we're very similar minded." One of the last times I spoke to him...well over 7 weeks ago, I told him we were nothing alike. He asked why I thought this and I told him, "Because I could never treat people the way you do." He raged and said, "What the hell ever! If you were divorced, moved to a new state and were trying to meet people, maybe you would!" I responded with, "No, I couldn't. I can't use people for my own selfish needs with out feeling bad." My point is, I'm nothing like him and therefore, I won't ever understand his actions. I've just concluded that he's a N and he has NPD (he has 9 out of the 10 symptoms). It hurts, but like you mentioned, the sooner I accept it the sooner I heal :) TovaBella
May 11 - 2PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I was PRIMARY and SECONDARY supply

Though the ex-Psych prof never had casual/official boyfriend status, I served as BOTH primary&secondary NS... because I was a student. He saw students as his primary NS... never mind he was always badmouthing his students. Every fall, he gets new NS.
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #39)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hi Susan32

Hi Susan32, Can I just say that I've followed your posts and this sick S.O.B ex-Psych is the sorriest piece of sh*t! I mean...seriously! He isn't a REAL man! He hides behind being an educator in a higher learning acedemic institution and acts as if he's so damn superior! He actuas like he's better than students and everybody else who crosses his path...then again, that's what a mentally ill person does. They believe they are special and some how different. I was completely pissed when you told me about him badmouthing students! I don't even know this guy, but boy would I love to see a few students teach him a few lessons. TovaBella
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #40)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Teacher as role

"Acts as if he's so damn superior"-By the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof's colleagues had dumped him as if he were a stinking pile of #2... if you know what I mean. They tired of him quicker than I did. The Dean of the College was on my side during the final D&D, when he was accusing me of "inappropriate behavior." That says A LOT. I did an essay on "Anna Karenina" that involved father figures, narcissism (Alexei Karenin is a cerebral Narc)... and she compassionately said, "You're trying to figure out your relationship with Mr. T---." She did NOT condemn me... and believe me, when I went to her, I was expecting it. I thought "I declared my love to a prof, she's going to rip me a new one. And then rip the new one." NOT AT ALL. His superiority drove EVERYONE away-and his colleagues were the first to retreat. IMHO, he got tenure because they knew he couldn't handle rejection... besides, he would've had too much damn time on his hands, and he would've gone after me. The ex-Psych prof said he saw teaching as a ROLE. Since this was after the final D&D, I told him that if he had joined his girlfriend in LA (she moved to NM to be with him)... he could've been an actor. Seriously, if he dropped the pounds&cleaned his teeth... he could've made it as a model or an actor. He was so into roles... it makes one think of the OTHER D&D. The one with elves, trolls, sages, etc. "He hides behind being an educator"-His parents moved in with him a year after the final D&D... to raise his kids, and yes, HIM. Turns out his father and my brother in-law (I have a year old nephew) happen to have the same name. Guess what lucky guy got to be compared to my newborn nephew, in terms of tantrums&immaturity *smirks* "Badmouthing students"-I got on his case about it. ESPECIALLY when I was volunteering at a local school. He referred to the kids as "snot-nosed urchins" and the fact I was at a local elementary school sent him into jealous rages. He probably badmouthed his students to his curator girlfriend instead. I got tired of it REAL quick. "See a few students teach him a few lessons"-At my college, a tradition at this time of year is the senior skit. The senior skit ridicules the professors. The ex-P had ALWAYS enjoyed the senior skit... as long as it didn't ridicule him. He'd be relieved when it ended, and it hadn't mocked him. Welll..... I happened to be part of it my senior year, during the final D&D... and after the final D&D, HE got mocked big time in the senior skit. In the grand finale. He literally ran out of the auditorium when the scene happened. Needless to say, I pointed it out the next day, and gave him a blow-by-blow recap. I gave him the instant replay, with a huge grin on my face. He was ALWAYS afraid of his beloved "War and Peace" being turned into a musical*.... *Ryan Murphy of GLEE, this one's for you. Lea Michele (Rachel) as Natasha? Cory Monteith (Finn) as Pierre? Matthew Morrison (Will Schuester) as Andrei? Chris Colfe (Kurt)r&Darren Kriss (Blaine) re-enacting the scene of Napoleon being massaged by male assistants before Austerlitz? Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester) as the very masculine Godsfolk? What's not to love? Throw in Lady GaGa, Katy Perry, the Eurythmics, and you've got EPIC WIN.
May 11 - 2PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I guess I use to be "first

I guess I use to be "first class" the first time we were together. And the weird part about this is I think he came back to me because god broke us up the first time as I like to call it . He had to move back to where he came from. I think while he was up there and I was living my life , meeting and dating other guys, just living life he was raging inside. I think he desperately wanted to get some sick and twisted payback for him having to go back to where he was from. He did it to himself but I think he blamed me for it. SMH how could I be so stupid and take and want him back
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hi findingmeagain

Hi findingmeagain, Isn't it funny how they ALWAYS look for someone else to blame for their unhappiness or when things don't go their way?! I swear...they are SUCH babies! haha TovaBella
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
Susan32
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Babies are EASIER

Just speaking from experience.
May 11 - 1PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

new supply is better than old

They can run their game better on new supply. It is more fun, the person is still happy and not yet spiritually and emotionally deplete....they can show off to new supply and they can show off the new supply to others...the fantasy is back on with new supply, the image instead to the real deal... Old supply means seeing people when they are sick, down, needing a real friend and all the things a Narc despises about conventional love and responsibilities. My ex N never goes back to old supply - he abandons all old GF's and never speaks to them again once they know he is a bad person - not fun to be around someone who know you dogged them...
May 12 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I like this

it is so true
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #32)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hello ifinallygotit!! :)

Hi, ifinallygotit :) I can TOTALLY see what you mean by new NS being more fun for them...because a newbie is clueless as to his true colors/intentions. You mentioned how your ex-N never goes back to old supply...I'm not sure about mine. I know he leaves the door open for ALL of them...never really leaves on bad terms...he kind of just feeds them all a line about how he can easily see himself falling for them and that he's still newly divorced (like 5 years ago). But he tells them to call and keep in touch and to let him know if they want "company". He's truly disgusting and repulsive, ugh! I know I'm not special, but I do believe most of the OW don't know the sh*t I know about his lines, behavior and all the horrible details. The truth is, I attribute me knowing, because I TRIED to be a friend after the fact and he began using me a verbal journal to get all the horrible stuff he did off his chest...and I mean HORRIBLE stuff too. I'm glad I cut him off though. All his sick minded behavior really weighed me down and I'm naturally a happy and fun person. TovaBella
May 12 - 5AM (Reply to #33)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Well isn't it exciting to get

Well isn't it exciting to get a new car? thats how they think about new supply. then after they've crashed up the car a little bit, put a few dents in it, not did the neccessary maintenance on it then its a dud to them. thats what women are to them. Just like new cars . Don't worry he will wear it out and abuse it just like he did the last "car" he had.
May 11 - 1PM
Used
Used's picture

supply

i was arrogant enough to think i was good supply because , he kept opening his heart to me and beign more honest with me than any other women NOT, he was actually testing the water to see how far he could go in the[how much will she stand for stakes] and what i listened to blows my mind to this day. so yes i was good supply ,but in the end his drivel and lies drove me to distraction, just b/c i didnt pull him on all his lies he thought i believed them, i found that realy insulting as well. now i am no supply, in no little box to be taken out and dusted off till the next time. no way.ps i was good supply he hadnt even spent that amount of time with his exs nor had i come to that, but i suppose his ow[tho he denies it]coming and telling me about there relationship was the end for me, it ended up doing me a favour, its just not the kind of favour i want againxx
May 11 - 4PM (Reply to #30)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hi Used

Used, I say it's is better to be no NS than to be NS and allow ourselves to be used and abused. They ex-N's deserve NOTHING GOOD in my opinion. TovaBella
May 11 - 1PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

I read somewhere, in the last

I read somewhere, in the last few days about how N's get their primary NS from the people they interact with in the outside world and their partners are a source of secondary NS when they don't get enough elsewhere. This made PERFECT sense given my N's behavior. He did call me every day, something he didn't do with the others so I think I was giving him something they weren't. Probably breaking up with him every other minute, gave him a challenge.
May 11 - 3PM (Reply to #28)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hi Wacaet

Wacaet, Yes, I agree that they come around even if they have multiple sources of NS...ESPECIALLY if the others are not providing something that they need. It's like back up when you think about it. I also agree about the challenge too. Boy do they love the challenge...because they normally get bored easily. I heard my ex-N once say that once the sex got old, he'd eventually start looking...sick, sick, sick I tell you. He's so f*cked in the head. TovaBella
May 11 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

As much as I always say they

As much as I always say they are the same, I think the all treat supply different! My Narc gets it from Animals and friends, he not a Raging lunitic he gets off with the silent treatment! Waiting for the attention. Happy's on the other hand is mean and rages, he feeds from who will supply it! He try's to get supply anyway he can! The bottom line is they are nuts, they can't be fixed! Hunter
May 11 - 7PM (Reply to #26)
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

Hunter, I have to say I love

Hunter, I have to say I love your profile pic. I think we all dated Charlie, huh?
May 11 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hunter

You know Hunter, I think when you look at the bare bones of it all, NS is really NS. Although, I do agree with you in regards to them all treating NS differently depending on the N. My ex-N is VERY much about status. He always use to try to tell me that he wasn't into trophies (sp?), but I know he was just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear. He was always drawn to them though...just like a moth to a flame. He use to tell me he was afraid of them, because he didn't like the idea of turning his back and them having other men talking to them, haha. I laughed when I first heard that too...because the truth is, she would be talking to other guys once she learns what a M.F. he is, haha. Anyway, as you said..."The bottom line is they are nuts, they can't be fixed!" TovaBella
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #25)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Tovabella

Yes they are nuts, I have 6 friends off the top of my head who are involved with these nut jobs. One is buried in the cemetery up the street, She had a heart attack at 40 due to stress over her piece of shit husband. Me and my friend place a rose on stone every Sunday. The BS she went thru makes me sick. I didn't know what they were all about until I got Narced myself and realized these guys are beyond assholes they are disordered. They behave in a similar manor but how the get supply is very different. Its all about Ego's and Attention. The sad thing about my situation is my Husband would never behave this way. I am embarrassed that I looked in another direction. Not one of my best choices. True ,the bottom line , to try and figure out what goes on in their Pea Brains is useless. I know you will be better. You rock! Hunter
May 11 - 1PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

I don't care. I don't want

I don't care. I don't want to be first class ns, or third class ns. Period. I AM DONE BEING SUPPLY OF ANY SORT, TEXT, PHONE, EMAIL. NEGATIVE, POSITIVE, ANY EMOTION AT ALL HE WILL NEVER SEE ONE FROM ME I am going to have to start divorce proceedings soon. I am glad I waited until I really understood no contact. I had to realize why, it's for me not him. I had to get time and space to see what I was really dealing with, a animal, a vampire, a creature with no soul. Thank you everyone for all you support and courage. This is a lot of hard work. And it helps to have people, with you on the journey. Love to all Jen
May 11 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

I hear you gratefuljen! I

I hear you gratefuljen! I don't want to be ANY type of NS for my ex-N. I'm too good for him and I refuse to allow myself to be used in fashion moving forward. TovaBella
May 11 - 1PM
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

favorite supply.

I definitely think that some supply is better than others. But, there's probably no rhyme or reason to it! I know with mine...I was "perfect supply" for him. Because I would get fed up with his behavior every 3-4 weeks. I would end it BEFORE he got tired of me. Then, it was 'game on' and I was a challenge to "get back." This literally went on about 15 times in the past two years. I personally think their favorite supply is one that gives them a combination of the adoration, with a little bit of challenge. I kept feeling like he would feed me negative, yet truthful, information little by little to see if I still liked him. It all a game of push and pull to them. Plus, all of the members here are so cool, intelligent & fun...OF COURSE we would be their favorite supply!! FFI
May 11 - 1PM (Reply to #20)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Fav Supply

Yes, I played the same game, push and pull, I would end it before he could, and he tried to get me back everytime. The last time I played for 7 months and gave in only after he came on very strong and promised me a trip, shopping,signed me up for monthly massages under his account etc (hey I figured I might as well get something out of it for all the aggravation!!). I looked at it like a game but so did he apparently. After the trip, 1 wk later, I left him. We were out in a bar after having a very nice dinner, he was very drunk (I believe he was also a very successful functioning alcoholic, sex addict, etc.) so he looked at me and said "do you think you can get a ride home?" It wasn't because he was too drunk to drive either (I'm not sure if he thought he could pick up one of the young girls there and was trying to make me jealous??, never will find out). His good friend was driving that night, so I immediately turned around and got a ride home from his friend and never talked to him again..he called and texted me to apologize over and over and then called me 6 times the following week until I blocked him for good. I know he had OW in 2 other states and I was his local supply after the 3rd D&D, always knew I was favorite (but not his main one this time), maybe cause I was a challenge.....but nope, not going back again! So what makes them choose a main NS? I was 1 mile away and his new OW was 1,000 miles away (but he went there 2 weekends a month). He lied to me about that too, I found out from a friend. Oh I answered my own question, because I saw him with the mask off and he couldn't pretend anymore. I got his number and the other one is not there yet I guess (just wish I knew if she sees the other side). Gee, sorry I'm babbling.........
May 11 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Finally Faced It

Yes, this is exactly how it was with mine, although I have no idea how many times it happened in the past year. And the testing...... if I do THIS, will she still love me? Does she love me enough to put up with THAT? Will she stay with me even if I do or say something completely outrageous? Always testing the devotion. Of course, once I completely figured him out I was no longer perfect supply, not even for recycling purposes I think. I'm too smart and too strong to fall for his games again, so he cut me off basically. BUT, the more docile, less challenging supply from before he still keeps around as friends, so in a sense they make better supply for future back-up when needed. The fact they're still friends with him and still talk to him, tells me and him no doubt, that they're not wise to his true nature at this point.
May 11 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

testing

thats exactly what was going on, the testing, if I do this will she still love me? OMG, he asked me if I still loved him, and I was just waiting for the N side to show through after he used all his charm to win me back again. It came back pretty quick, but now I see he was testing me. Well guess I'm no longer supply, I'm too strong for him, he can go back to the others who are probably not.
May 11 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Hi Lisa87

You know Lisa87, Cheers to being too strong for the bullshit. I'm more proud to be that than any type of NS. Let the ex-N's go and seek out weak and vulnerable NS...just leave us out of it. When it really boils down to it, NS is just someone who they can use and extract from...in all aspects. No thank you. TovaBella
May 12 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

well put TovaBella

thanks! Its hard cause he states that she's and executive and I know his last OW was a Sr VP but I guess that doesn't mean they can't be weak in the romance dept. He is successful, smart, makes a lot of $$ and I am an Admin. Asst. I think because these women make more $$ than me and have high level jobs that they are better and he can ge more supply........and also the sexual shit (swinging, threesomes) that apparently she is doing with him now that I wouldn't. Hope he gets an incurable STD the mother f'er
May 12 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
TovaBella
TovaBella's picture

Lisa87

Lisa87, I sure hope you don't feel bad for being an Admin. Asst and the OW being a Sr. VP...if you do, STOP thinking that right now, please! Look, here's the way I see it and before I say this, please know that I'm just one of many opinions, but hear me out. N's don't view ANY man/woman off limits. Everyone is prey to them and I mean EVERYONE. There's men and women of lines of work on this site. We all have one thing in common for sure and that's that some loser with a personality disorder has done a number on us. I'm not sure about your ex-N, but mine is ALL about status and image...to the put that he's pretty much said (in not these exact words), that some women are just good to screw but, that his standards are completely different for dating. My point is, they LOVE to have a person of status it strokes their ego...but N's do the same thing to all women. The more I think about it, supply really is supply to them...it doesn't matter if the woman/man makes a lot of money or if they are just making ends meet. If the person doesn't make a lot of money, they'll most likely find some other way to extract from him/her. In the end though, regardless of who or what him/her do for a living, they end up getting used by the N. Want to know something else, I'm betting that this OW you mentioned is doing the swinging and threesomes now, but the moment she decides it isn't for her or that she wants something, he'll walk. For all you know, this is the only thing he likes about her and why he chose her...someone to engage in his little sex skits. In the end, she'll end up alone (whether she wants too or not). I laughed when you mentioned that you hope he get's an incurable STD...I've wished that for my ex-N too, haha! Actually, I'd prefer my ex-N develop erectile disfunction, haha! That would be great paypack in my book...for all the women he's f*cked over, now he can't f*ck anymore...at least without taking a little blue pill! haha. He's such a disgusting prick and I wish nothing good upon him, he doesn't deserve anything good in his life after the things he's done and said to other women and that's not just including me :( We're both too good for our ex-N's and they can only wish to be as amazing as us. They truly don't deserve good people like us in their life. Yours, TovaBella
May 11 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

test

Hey SK - Yes, and with the long-distance thing that you and I both had, I think that made it easier to test us. If you knew the crap he admitted to me, OMG. It was almost like he was trying to let the real him come out, just to see if someone out there would know all about him and like him anyway. He knew that I knew he wasn't the great, perfect guy that he portrayed himself to be and in some odd way, I think this brought him comfort. Ugh! FFI