Hey! I'm new...
I first want to say that, I've read a lot of your stories here ,and i admire your strenght. I also want to warn some of you who still have doubts about their ex that I DIDN'T leave my N yet, so if you think reading a story from someone so weak might weaken you, don't read it!! i wouldn't want to be responsible for setting you back in your recovery process.
I met him through a friend 5 years ago, my girlfriend had been dating his friend online, and he came with him to visit her, so I met him at her house. It went very fast, a few months later i was moving to his country to live with him with my son from a former partner. I was a struggling single mother, and he was presenting himself as a prince in shining armour who was going to rescue me and, as he said, "give me my wings back" (HA! lol...)
He was full of cheesy lines. Yes, I did notice it, and no, I never identified it as a red flag. I just thought he had no imagination."you complete me", "my life only started when i met you", bla bla. It all sounded like it just came out of a bollywood movie. But from the very begining, now that I think about it, there were signs.
He said he had no feelings for his family and if they were to die tomorrow, he wouldn't care.
He also said that he knew exactly who i was. How? I don't think he even knows anything about my childhood, my life before him, my ex boyfriends...my thoughts, my ideas, my values... He just "claimed" to know me.
AND: he told me he was really good at manipulating people, and that he was very smart. How did I not run? I thought he was trying to look like a bad boy, i thought it was cute, because he "obviously" was not... and he was smiling, as if it were a joke of some kind, the body language was appeasing, so I just...dismissed the words.
Anyway I moved in with him, left my house, friends, family and life in my old country, and the night i had arrived, he spent it on his computer playing . While I waited in bed. I cried myself to sleep on that first night, i thought, what did I DO?? He had bought a house and the day before i took my flight, told me it was all ready for me and my son to move in. Turns out it was not inhabitable, so we stayed in his parent's attic for 6 months. With my 5 y old.
Turns out this first night was probably either a test or a way to implant in my brain the thought that i was trapped, because he returned to almost normal behaviour after that.
We finally moved into our own house, (no central heating,and I'm speaking about a country where temperatures can go down to -20°c , naked bricks, naked electric wires,pieces of wood and metal, and my 5 y old in it.)
I was expected to keep the house clean, with walls shedding their dust and construction materials everywhere.So I mopped around piles of bricks, broomed around bags of comcrete...it was ridiculous. I was ashamed of living there so I couldn't invite anyone for coffe, as a result i didn't make any friend the entire 5 years i stayed there.
(because no, of course, nothing ever got repaired. Did I mention I paid for those materials? with the money my father left me when he passed away? he'd take me to the shop and disappear as soon as it was time to pay, literally :D )
I paid for the family food , all of our clothes, with that money for 5 years. I have nothing left. (i was unemployed). So i never got to pass my driver's licence or train for a job, as I had planned.
Wow putting this in writing makes it so much clearer! much easier to remember than the actual abuse. I think i don't need to describe it to you all, and it makes me feel actually relieved that you know what i'm talking about, because my brain goes in "no no shut up" mode when i try.It sort of phases out of any concrete thought about it.
It involved jokes mainly, demeaning jokes, about me being messy, a bad mother, stupid, etc. Using other people without them knowing , and they loved to have a bit of fun, so they just laughed along.
The first time i realized he was wearing a mask, we were invited to dinner at a neighbour's house. I desperately wanted to go and make new friends,and they had a son my son's age, it was perfect.I made myself all pretty,and when me and my son were ready i looked for N: he was sleeping. I tried to wake him up, no amount of shouting in his face and shaking him seemed to wake him, so I just looked at him thinking...Do you really think I can't see you're pretending to sleep? are you a baby??
I just left and went on my own.He came 15 minutes later, all smiles and good mood. I was looking at him in disbelief, i hadn't seen that smile in almost a year. He sat next to me and put his hand on my knee. That was weird. I took his hand out,and he kept smiling this weird commercial smile and chattering to the people. It felt like i was sitting next to a total stranger. After a while i just decided ok, he might just be really happy, or maybe he's high or something (lol), so i went along with it.
The minute we said goodbye and headed home: BAM. he was his old self again. Expressionless, walking ahead of me, he didn't utter a single word to me.
At that moment, i thought: this, you need to remember it. Whatever it is, is not normal.
After that, i saw this mask again of course, when my mother visited, or my sister, and it made me sick everytime because i knew it was fake.
I never heard him laugh. I heard the sound of laughter coming out of his mouth, only with strangers nd his "friends" online, a HUGE belly laugh that used to make me jump in my seat, and I resented it when it happened. Couldn't have happened with me, my jokes were not funny.
I used to have an awesome sense of humour but i lost it along the way, after getting a blank face in response once too much. I used to be a professional dancer: he laughed at me when i practiced. I can't dance anymore. I can't sing anymore, because "wow, you're awefully proud of that sound you're making, please stop my ears are bleeding".
I haven't laughed in such a long time, the other day my sister told me a joke on the phone, i laughed until i cried, like i used to, and my whole body hurt from it, i thought i was going to vomit. My laughter muscles have been weakened :P
He harassed me to have another child until i did. It was a looong and lonely pregnancy, a lot less enjoyable than the one i had had before, (alone...) a lot more stressful.
I knew tht if i were to fall down the stairs or have any kind of health problem, I'd be on my own crawling for help outside of the house (we didn't have a house phone, only he had a cell), and I knew he was capable of watching me suffer without lifting an eyebrow, so i was scared.
I went in false labour at 8 months, and he came to the hospital (my mother was staying with us at the end of the pregnancy, i needed an adult with me just in case, so ofc i only went to the hospital because SHE called) i was in terrible pain, turns out i had a kidney infection, plus the contractions caused by the pain, and he was sitting there fiddling with his phone. He dared to say "i'm bored, how long is that going to last??" he had the nerve to be all irritated about this. I kicked him out and sent him home.
When the birth came, i was forewarned: no empathy to be expected. So i only gave him orders: stand here, put your arm around my neck, lift this, i could see all he cared about was how the nurses percieved him, but i don't think he was capable of understanding that they would have had a better image of him if he had been involved a bit...emotionally at least :P
Anyway. I later learned that, wile i was pregnant, he was telling some girl online that he was "just out of a long term relationship" but that he "still had his house and was happy about it". "and when can i expect you for coffee", bla bla. It was a really weird confrontation. I had to physically pull out the evidence for him to even admit to knowing her name. Then he was joking, then he was mad at me at the time, bla. Anyway once he was done pulling strange excuses out of his sleeve, he decreeted that we were never to speak of this again. Ever. (wut?)
It was not his first or last time, of course, i will spare you the cheating things, this is too long already ><
Anyway, after i had outr daughter, there was no money left from my father, so he decided he couldn't support us all anymore. He sat me on the couch and explained very calmly that the economic situation was not favourable to us living together anymore, and that i had to go back to my country.
Yes, you got it, he was firing me.
I reacted like a normal person for a moment, crying and begging him to find another solution etc.He kept moving saying that this was obviously not working out, that we didn't have enough money anymore. Then i looked up and saw the satisfied smirk on his face. I just could NOT believe how happy he looked.I wiped my tears, looked him straight in the eyes, and said ok, I'll leave. The sooner the better.
I actually packed 3 clothes, took my kids and left the country, stayed with an aunt until i found a place,and here I am.
You're going to tell me, good for you, you left!
He managed to turn this into a financial arrangement that didn't change the fact that we were a family and he loved me.
So, ok, i resisted for a while,then i pretended to agree, then i didnt remember that i had left him.
He now denies we were ever separated.
He visited me first every 3 months, now, last time he came was in december and he will come in july, so 7 months, and he doesn't plan on coming again until next december after that. TWICE a year.
For financial reasons of course, because we are still a family, and he is planning of coming to live with me, etc.
Yeah, if I read that story from another woman, I would be laughing and thinking omg, what a fool...
He has sent me 100 euros in all of that time.Even now that i've lost benefits and have 0 euros a month to live with, my mother is the only one helping out.
I had been reading on why men lie, moved to pathological liars, (he will lie about everything, there's no way to have any accurate fact about anything) and found out about NPD.
I studied it, and he is a perfect fit. So one day i decided to tell him about it. Showed him some videos, articles, etc. he has a "tl;dr" attitude about everything i tell him to read, but the videos, he did watch.He laughed his ass off. Loved it. In 10 mns he was asking me if i didn't think those people were not a bit harsh with the Ns, that they were people with feelings too and that he thought they were perfectly normal.I pushed against his denial, i pushed him and pushed him, mocked him and stuck to facts, and he started putting masks on and taking them off in the blink of an eye, as fast as lighting, being nice/hurt/angry/violent/nice/sweet/hurtful/etc.
Then he accused me of being the N. Then he lost his mind.
Completely. I saw something that was not human.
It lasted maybe a few seconds, but it chilled me to the bones. It was evil and horrible. I have no idea what he said, all i remember is my reaction to it, I was frozen and completely slack jawed, i couldn't move for a moment.I remember thinking it was like seeing behind the mask of the clown, in stephen king's "It".
And then he said "why do you try to pick up a fight, i love you and you love me, let's just act normal ok?"
then he said "Ok fuck this shit i'm done with you".
And hung up.
Of course he came back and harassed me and i took him back, but now i know what he is. He is not human.
I'm dealing with this as best as I can, dodging as much mind fuck as i can, writing down the shocking things he says so as not to forget them anymore, because my brain has a tendency to file them in the "junk" folder and automatically erase them, so i keep a record.
I don't know why I'm still with him.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face that evil thing and anger it on purpose.
I have NO idea what he is capable of. He has never even slapped me, but i'm pretty sure he is capable of the worst.
Anyway I hope to grow stronger with your help....
I hope my story is not too confusing. I KNOW it's too long, but I shortened it as much as i possibly could...But still, sorry about that.
Thank you if you've had the courage to read :D