not-there-yet's story

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#1 May 7 - 4AM
not-there-yet's picture

not-there-yet's story

Hey! I'm new...

I first want to say that, I've read a lot of your stories here ,and i admire your strenght. I also want to warn some of you who still have doubts about their ex that I DIDN'T leave my N yet, so if you think reading a story from someone so weak might weaken you, don't read it!! i wouldn't want to be responsible for setting you back in your recovery process.

I met him through a friend 5 years ago, my girlfriend had been dating his friend online, and he came with him to visit her, so I met him at her house. It went very fast, a few months later i was moving to his country to live with him with my son from a former partner. I was a struggling single mother, and he was presenting himself as a prince in shining armour who was going to rescue me and, as he said, "give me my wings back" (HA! lol...)
He was full of cheesy lines. Yes, I did notice it, and no, I never identified it as a red flag. I just thought he had no imagination."you complete me", "my life only started when i met you", bla bla. It all sounded like it just came out of a bollywood movie. But from the very begining, now that I think about it, there were signs.
He said he had no feelings for his family and if they were to die tomorrow, he wouldn't care.
He also said that he knew exactly who i was. How? I don't think he even knows anything about my childhood, my life before him, my ex thoughts, my ideas, my values... He just "claimed" to know me.
AND: he told me he was really good at manipulating people, and that he was very smart. How did I not run? I thought he was trying to look like a bad boy, i thought it was cute, because he "obviously" was not... and he was smiling, as if it were a joke of some kind, the body language was appeasing, so I just...dismissed the words.

Anyway I moved in with him, left my house, friends, family and life in my old country, and the night i had arrived, he spent it on his computer playing . While I waited in bed. I cried myself to sleep on that first night, i thought, what did I DO?? He had bought a house and the day before i took my flight, told me it was all ready for me and my son to move in. Turns out it was not inhabitable, so we stayed in his parent's attic for 6 months. With my 5 y old.
Turns out this first night was probably either a test or a way to implant in my brain the thought that i was trapped, because he returned to almost normal behaviour after that.
We finally moved into our own house, (no central heating,and I'm speaking about a country where temperatures can go down to -20°c , naked bricks, naked electric wires,pieces of wood and metal, and my 5 y old in it.)
I was expected to keep the house clean, with walls shedding their dust and construction materials everywhere.So I mopped around piles of bricks, broomed around bags of was ridiculous. I was ashamed of living there so I couldn't invite anyone for coffe, as a result i didn't make any friend the entire 5 years i stayed there.
(because no, of course, nothing ever got repaired. Did I mention I paid for those materials? with the money my father left me when he passed away? he'd take me to the shop and disappear as soon as it was time to pay, literally :D )
I paid for the family food , all of our clothes, with that money for 5 years. I have nothing left. (i was unemployed). So i never got to pass my driver's licence or train for a job, as I had planned.
Wow putting this in writing makes it so much clearer! much easier to remember than the actual abuse. I think i don't need to describe it to you all, and it makes me feel actually relieved that you know what i'm talking about, because my brain goes in "no no shut up" mode when i try.It sort of phases out of any concrete thought about it.
It involved jokes mainly, demeaning jokes, about me being messy, a bad mother, stupid, etc. Using other people without them knowing , and they loved to have a bit of fun, so they just laughed along.
The first time i realized he was wearing a mask, we were invited to dinner at a neighbour's house. I desperately wanted to go and make new friends,and they had a son my son's age, it was perfect.I made myself all pretty,and when me and my son were ready i looked for N: he was sleeping. I tried to wake him up, no amount of shouting in his face and shaking him seemed to wake him, so I just looked at him thinking...Do you really think I can't see you're pretending to sleep? are you a baby??
I just left and went on my own.He came 15 minutes later, all smiles and good mood. I was looking at him in disbelief, i hadn't seen that smile in almost a year. He sat next to me and put his hand on my knee. That was weird. I took his hand out,and he kept smiling this weird commercial smile and chattering to the people. It felt like i was sitting next to a total stranger. After a while i just decided ok, he might just be really happy, or maybe he's high or something (lol), so i went along with it.
The minute we said goodbye and headed home: BAM. he was his old self again. Expressionless, walking ahead of me, he didn't utter a single word to me.
At that moment, i thought: this, you need to remember it. Whatever it is, is not normal.
After that, i saw this mask again of course, when my mother visited, or my sister, and it made me sick everytime because i knew it was fake.
I never heard him laugh. I heard the sound of laughter coming out of his mouth, only with strangers nd his "friends" online, a HUGE belly laugh that used to make me jump in my seat, and I resented it when it happened. Couldn't have happened with me, my jokes were not funny.
I used to have an awesome sense of humour but i lost it along the way, after getting a blank face in response once too much. I used to be a professional dancer: he laughed at me when i practiced. I can't dance anymore. I can't sing anymore, because "wow, you're awefully proud of that sound you're making, please stop my ears are bleeding".
I haven't laughed in such a long time, the other day my sister told me a joke on the phone, i laughed until i cried, like i used to, and my whole body hurt from it, i thought i was going to vomit. My laughter muscles have been weakened :P
He harassed me to have another child until i did. It was a looong and lonely pregnancy, a lot less enjoyable than the one i had had before, (alone...) a lot more stressful.
I knew tht if i were to fall down the stairs or have any kind of health problem, I'd be on my own crawling for help outside of the house (we didn't have a house phone, only he had a cell), and I knew he was capable of watching me suffer without lifting an eyebrow, so i was scared.
I went in false labour at 8 months, and he came to the hospital (my mother was staying with us at the end of the pregnancy, i needed an adult with me just in case, so ofc i only went to the hospital because SHE called) i was in terrible pain, turns out i had a kidney infection, plus the contractions caused by the pain, and he was sitting there fiddling with his phone. He dared to say "i'm bored, how long is that going to last??" he had the nerve to be all irritated about this. I kicked him out and sent him home.
When the birth came, i was forewarned: no empathy to be expected. So i only gave him orders: stand here, put your arm around my neck, lift this, i could see all he cared about was how the nurses percieved him, but i don't think he was capable of understanding that they would have had a better image of him if he had been involved a bit...emotionally at least :P
Anyway. I later learned that, wile i was pregnant, he was telling some girl online that he was "just out of a long term relationship" but that he "still had his house and was happy about it". "and when can i expect you for coffee", bla bla. It was a really weird confrontation. I had to physically pull out the evidence for him to even admit to knowing her name. Then he was joking, then he was mad at me at the time, bla. Anyway once he was done pulling strange excuses out of his sleeve, he decreeted that we were never to speak of this again. Ever. (wut?)
It was not his first or last time, of course, i will spare you the cheating things, this is too long already ><
Anyway, after i had outr daughter, there was no money left from my father, so he decided he couldn't support us all anymore. He sat me on the couch and explained very calmly that the economic situation was not favourable to us living together anymore, and that i had to go back to my country.
Yes, you got it, he was firing me.
I reacted like a normal person for a moment, crying and begging him to find another solution etc.He kept moving saying that this was obviously not working out, that we didn't have enough money anymore. Then i looked up and saw the satisfied smirk on his face. I just could NOT believe how happy he looked.I wiped my tears, looked him straight in the eyes, and said ok, I'll leave. The sooner the better.
I actually packed 3 clothes, took my kids and left the country, stayed with an aunt until i found a place,and here I am.
You're going to tell me, good for you, you left!
Well no.
He managed to turn this into a financial arrangement that didn't change the fact that we were a family and he loved me.
So, ok, i resisted for a while,then i pretended to agree, then i didnt remember that i had left him.
He now denies we were ever separated.
He visited me first every 3 months, now, last time he came was in december and he will come in july, so 7 months, and he doesn't plan on coming again until next december after that. TWICE a year.
For financial reasons of course, because we are still a family, and he is planning of coming to live with me, etc.
Yeah, if I read that story from another woman, I would be laughing and thinking omg, what a fool...
He has sent me 100 euros in all of that time.Even now that i've lost benefits and have 0 euros a month to live with, my mother is the only one helping out.
I had been reading on why men lie, moved to pathological liars, (he will lie about everything, there's no way to have any accurate fact about anything) and found out about NPD.
I studied it, and he is a perfect fit. So one day i decided to tell him about it. Showed him some videos, articles, etc. he has a "tl;dr" attitude about everything i tell him to read, but the videos, he did watch.He laughed his ass off. Loved it. In 10 mns he was asking me if i didn't think those people were not a bit harsh with the Ns, that they were people with feelings too and that he thought they were perfectly normal.I pushed against his denial, i pushed him and pushed him, mocked him and stuck to facts, and he started putting masks on and taking them off in the blink of an eye, as fast as lighting, being nice/hurt/angry/violent/nice/sweet/hurtful/etc.
Then he accused me of being the N. Then he lost his mind.
Completely. I saw something that was not human.
It lasted maybe a few seconds, but it chilled me to the bones. It was evil and horrible. I have no idea what he said, all i remember is my reaction to it, I was frozen and completely slack jawed, i couldn't move for a moment.I remember thinking it was like seeing behind the mask of the clown, in stephen king's "It".
And then he said "why do you try to pick up a fight, i love you and you love me, let's just act normal ok?"
then he said "Ok fuck this shit i'm done with you".
And hung up.
Of course he came back and harassed me and i took him back, but now i know what he is. He is not human.
I'm dealing with this as best as I can, dodging as much mind fuck as i can, writing down the shocking things he says so as not to forget them anymore, because my brain has a tendency to file them in the "junk" folder and automatically erase them, so i keep a record.
I don't know why I'm still with him.
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face that evil thing and anger it on purpose.
I have NO idea what he is capable of. He has never even slapped me, but i'm pretty sure he is capable of the worst.
Anyway I hope to grow stronger with your help....
I hope my story is not too confusing. I KNOW it's too long, but I shortened it as much as i possibly could...But still, sorry about that.
Thank you if you've had the courage to read :D

May 7 - 3PM
findingmeagain's picture


Yeah I know the scared shytless face you're talking about. My ex N went into another personality right in front of me so you know I was afraid. And yes I was also emotionally abused during pregnancy (ignored, neglected). I also know what its like to have to handle most of things around the house. Yeah N would pay the bills he was suppose to pay mind you late but there are things around the house that needed to be shared and paid too. paper products, groceries, soap, cleaning products. this man didn't think he was suppose to pay for those things and I always have to ask him about it he doesn't do shyt like that on his own. like I'm his damn mother. I remember when he got his car after having an accident he always cried broke and I maxxed out my credit card paying for things around the house and the kids school clothes and stuff. Now I know why he really was broke and car note had nothing to do with it. whoring around did !
May 7 - 9AM
Hunter's picture


Hello, Your story is another sad tragedy. I'm sorry, the devil does walk the earth! You can escape but NC is the only way! I think you are wel aware of your situation! The question is what are you going to do about it? We are heretofore help, don't give up! Hunter
May 7 - 7AM
momoya's picture

Reclaim your power

Welcome! Sounds like you have a true passive aggressive NPD on your hands. Some of us here have witnessed the the N's mask slip and that is'nt something you forget. I can relate to what you same experience and try to remember THAT FACE when I feel like I still love him. But still now that you have all this NPD knowledge you still feel powerless to change it. They are crazy- making, gas lighting, manipulators and he intends to trip you up every days in very subtle ways. The EXN was very must like your N behaves and punished his wife in quiet ways, sex was always dysfunctional and he was hugely sensitive to anything that resemble critism. They really are shallow puddles that are drying up and they just suck us dry not-there-yet! WE are all here for you and glad you shared your story, I get that it's complicated but where there's a WILL theres a way! Keep reading on NPD! all the best


May 7 - 5AM
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Not there yet...but will be....

Hey: What a story! OMG. You have taken the first step and that is writing the story. I bet it helped to see it all and know that you are not crazy. You are in good company on this board. There are plenty of caring people here who will help you get from where you are to a better place. When you said that you saw something evil for that brief second, I saw it too with my exN. When I confronted him on something, Moneypenny (I think that was the clowns name in IT) came out and I was scared shitless. That was the moment of truth when the mask finally came off and the monster underneath revealed itself. Not many people have experienced seeing evil firsthand, but everyone here has. You are absolutely correct with your assessment of him - don't doubt yourself for a minute. Tell us more about your situation. Are you living with your Mom? How old are your kids? Job situation, etc.? SC
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
not-there-yet's picture

Yes it helps to see it in

Yes it helps to see it in writing, there are pieces missing but still. Ah you've seen that thing too? I really wonder what it is.But it's not to be messed with for sure.And STILL I keep going and defending myself and attacking back, I'm a bit scared that if I go on like this, and it can't tame me, it will end up turning me into the same kind of thing. It's training me at times, saying "oh, are you trying to be like me? you need to be a little more subtle, or an alternative is too go full force, but don't be in the middle , come on try again..." It's a bit draining ... So to answer your questions: no job, used to be on state help here but it was taken away (a paper missing) so no money,hoping to have this resolved before they cut out the internet :s Kids are 9 and 2, and we're living by ourselves. My mother helps by sending cash or having shopping delivered to my place (she lives far far away). Like I said, he sent me 100euros through this mess. Gee thanks.... edit: about the clown, you know the scene where the girlfriend and boyfriends are hugging and you see the clown's face in the mirror, but she doesn't? THAT's the chilling feeling i mean...I saw this movie when i was maybe 14, but that scene immediately came to mind...
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

That thing....

You really are in a predicament, no doubt but there are always choices. I agree that NC is the best way to go. Would your mother consider having you and your kids live with her while you get yourself back on track? 100 euros is pathetic given the mess he's made.
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
not-there-yet's picture

Well. My mother lives on the

Well. My mother lives on the other side of the globe from me. And, my stepfather is a psycho. I would never put my kids in contact with him.He literally HATES children :D not that my mother would ever admit that but...I know, I was a child in that house.
May 7 - 5AM
SoOverItNext's picture

I read your story and it

I read your story and it sounds like you have a real N on your hands. I'm fairly new here myself and will try to convince you to go NC. (No contact). It has been 2 months...the longest 2 months ever. But it has changed my life. It still hurts and I miss him (as crazy as that sounds) but I am starting to be myself again. So all I can suggest is that you DO NOT take his phone calls, letters, emails, texts ANYTHING. You may slps up and pick up a call and if you do, it's ok. Just start all over. You MUST REMOVE HIM from your life before things get better. And remember, WE are here for you.
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
not-there-yet's picture

I would LOVE to go NC but he

I would LOVE to go NC but he believes we are a perfectly normal family. So first I would have to dump him. And he has threatened some very very bad things involving the children a few times when I've left him (i leave him once a month these days lol...) I'm actually sort of hoping that if I keep confronting and being non compliant, he will end up finding someone else and leaving me. That would be the best solution to avoid retaliation from the thing, but if it lasts too long i might just take the leap and see if there's water down there....
May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
carol24's picture

Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Not-there-yet, Have you spoken to a solicitor to find out what your rights would be regarding your children? Perhaps he would not be able to carry out his threats.
May 7 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
not-there-yet's picture

:) they are not legal

:) they are not legal threats. He didn't recognize any of the kids, we were never married.