Feeling scared. Narc keeps threatening to kick me out on the streets.

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#1 May 3 - 9AM
Thunderbolt's picture

Feeling scared. Narc keeps threatening to kick me out on the streets.

I am sitting here calm but dumbfounded.
I now think (but don't yet totally 100 believe) that the man I have loved with all my heart is a Narcissist.
Albeit one who can act nice, sweet and kind 90% of the time.

Synopsis until this point:
Dated for year and a half . I lived two hours away.
He kept asking me to move closer to him.
(not move in, but move closer)
So I finally I made all my prepping to move and he was aware of this.
I was busy getting ready to move and didn't see him for a couple weeks.
Then after a very innocuous email exchange asking how he was and him replying he was fine and relaxing I didn't hear from him one weekend. This turned into 6 weeks of hell where I didn't know why he stopped all contact.
I had already signed up for a place to move near his city, so I moved while in total torture wondering what was going on.
My brain couldn't imagine him being so cruel to dumb me and never speak to me again.
I was so depressed that I barely got any work doen for 6 weeks and start to run low on money.
I also pathetically kept contacting him every week or so.
Since he had a lot of my things at his house I felt doubly upset.

Finally he cooly returned my call and set time to at least give me a few things of mine.

He acted solemn when we met and my heart leapt.
One thing led to another and at my suggestion we grapped wine and ate pizza together.
Then I invited him to a movie a couple days later.

Somehow things just fell back together and we started hanging out again. By start of January we were dating again.

Yet I still didn't bring up the scary demon pink elephant in the room.
WHY did he go cold on me for 6 weeks ? When he knew I was moving ?

Next up I had a calamity with the room share I moved into.
The city I moved to is one of the most $$$ in the country.
So I couldn't afford something too expensive.
Long story short but I ended up with a landlord who turned out to be insane and had no license to rent the house and who had illegal wiring that couldve caught fire according to the housing inspectors i spoke to.

So my boyfriend relented and said I could stay with him temporarily and also bring along my two pets.
This meant a lot to me and I felt like him ignoring me wasn't so painful now......

I spent a month going to look at other places to rent but coudln't find anything.
He then informed me that he was thinking of moving into a condo and renting out his house so he could be a lot closer to his job and not commute so far and long.
We then came up with a plan that he could rent his house to me and I could get a couple roommates to subsidize costs.

Well since then he hasn't found a new place yet, but keeps looking at condos he wants to buy.

I stopped looking for a new place because this seemed like a good situation.

But now over the last 6 weeks he has turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

One day he acts fun and we have good times and then he will act snide and vicious towards me.
Usually its first thing in the morning or before bedtime.
which unnerves me when Im trying to get work done or makes me have insomnia and cry.

a few things:

- he has told me that he can't believe im still living here (uhh he told me he would be moving out and i could rent this from him)
- Has said he things daily about what would happen if he just told me to move out now.
- he 'jokingly' calls me "crazy"
- he is constantly picking on my weight (i am slightly curvy but on a diet)
- he comments on how hot other women on tv are.

On top of having my living arrangement fall through and moving in with him, I got a virus from Russia on my pc that no malware program could fix last month. I lost a ton of work and was set back a month. I have a problem where I freak out and get paralyzed with fright when I don't have money coming in (i work for myself doing when web development)and
can't seem to concentrate.
And feeling pressure from him to give him money is also stressing me out.
I feel liek such a LOSER because I spent my 20s making money and being so responsible. Never ever depended on a man. I owned a house, put 100k into it, but was wiped out when the housing market went south.
So living with him is made worse by the fact that I feel like a misfit without enough money coming in.

I've have contributed a little bit money to help him since living here putting money towards electric, cable, food. over last two months I've given him around 1400 dollars in cash and paying with things on my debit, but for the last two weeks Ive been running low.
I gave him 100 dollars over the weekend and last week I gave him 200.
But last night he just asked me where money is for this month.
He is a lawyer with very little debt I should add. So he is pressuring me not out of dire need but for some other reason.

Now today was the worst.
I work for myself and can work from anywhere that has a laptop connection.
He asked me what I'm doing today.
I told him all the stuff I need to take care of ...

I then shared with him that I feel a lot of pressure to make money fast and that I will be a lot happier when I have money coming in again.

He then replied he wonders what I would be doing to 'survive' if he just kicked me out of the house.

I feel very on edge and like he doesn't care at all.
I have been reading up on NPD and am afraid he fits the bill.

If he really is a Narcissist should I be scared he will try and kick me and my pets/ belongings out on the street ?
I guess in the meantime I should do whatever I can to bring in money so I can have the freedom to leave.
The problem is is that he wants money for me to stay here.

He is 36 btw and Im 33.

Feb 23 - 6AM
ThunderboltRedux's picture

I'm the OP

May 4 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You need to get out of this...

You need a plan in place and you need to start putting some money aside for your escape...the writing is on the wall. They give "clues" as they go along. This guy is bad news. Stick to the board. Hugs!
May 3 - 2PM
onwithmylife's picture


you need to accumulate enough money to GET OUT from the Narc, even if it is just a roommate with another girl or boarding house or whatever, just get out as soon as possible. He is using and abusing you, there is no love or relationship with the man. I stayed with the ex narc for 4 months once summer some years ago until i could find my own place, he never wanted me there and it was a nightmare, he kept asking me to leave every evening and i had no place to go, the stress was mile high. Finally by the end of the summer, I found a place and even though at the beginning of my stay with him, he said I did not have to pay him rent, i wound up paying him some money each month I was there to shut him up. there was NO love because when you LOVE someone you want them to stay...the lesson here is think two or three times before you ever up and leave for a MAN................He is a mean and evil control freak, the way he is questioning you and watching you squirm
May 3 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
Thunderbolt's picture

I am letting it sink in that

I am letting it sink in that if he cared for me like a normal decent man he wouldn't regularly pepper our conversations with displeasure at me staying here. Unfortunately I have no friends within several hundred miles I can stay with. No siblings, my dad is dead and my Mom had a major stroke two years ago and is in assisted living. And having my dear pets makes it hard to find a room share. I will grit my teeth, be pleasant and do whatever I can to pull money together. It breaks my heart to finally give up but I can't stand his outbursts. I have loved him 100% with all my soul. What a nightmare. The other night he actually called me a SQUATTER. Even being funny, that hurt. But then the next night he took me to a party with old friends of his and introduced me as his girlfriend of 2 years! Insane disconnect. I am looking over my finances this afternoon and see that its closer to 2000 that Ive outlaid towards staying here, foods, drinks, entertainment with him. I think I will do my best to make myself scarce. Work on my laptop when he is here and otherwise let him run free. I guess he will be shocked that Im not wanting to spend all my free time with him anymore. At least this way I can cut down on the money he asks from me when we go out. I do feel panicky though.
May 4 - 6AM (Reply to #10)
onwithmylife's picture


YOU STILL NEED TO GET OUT as soon as possible, place an ad somewhere and mention you have pets and seeking a room in a house or apartment, You need to make leaving your first goal, not going along with him or making yourself scare, that is NOT the answer...
May 4 - 6AM
Used's picture


why have you stopped looking for a place, even if he is looking at condo's it doesnt mean he will buy one, in fact i wouldnt be suprised if he will buy one, he is playing you, it may not seems so but he is, you gave up a home to live near him[what he wanted you to do] and you have ended up at his mercy, and suddenly you can rent his house when he moves, was this always the plan?,did he ever mention b/f you went there about buying condo? you have to get out i know it is easier said than done, but this man i believe is going to drop you from a great height. try and find a room maybe?, or get to your family this story is horrendous...good luckxxx
May 3 - 10AM
Veronrose's picture

OMG, Thunderbolt, I felt the

OMG, Thunderbolt, I felt the rollercoaster ride just reading that. I agree with Hunter and Spinning....You need to play nice, get yourself on your feet, and get the heck away from that guy. He is trying to control you, and at the moment he can. He is definitely taking advantage of your vulnerability. The ladies on this board have helped me immensely. Stay here, post as often as you'd like. Everyone is here for you. Try to stay strong. xo Veronrose
May 3 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Thunderbolt's picture


May 3 - 10AM
spinning's picture

thunderbolt, dearheart,

I read this and see a downward spiral. This guy is no good for you. This is a very unhealthy relationship. I know because I was in one, for WAY TOO LONG and lost much, including my self-esteem. Mine would go silent, too. In fact, that's what he did with the final, brutal D & D. He vanished. Left stuff at my house, too. Thunderbolt, do not give him any more money. Save it for yourself. Move out ASAP and get away from this guy. Stop the madness and the chaos and the anxious, shaking feeling you have inside 24/7. It will seem very difficult at first but when the fog lifts you will see that you have saved your own soul. This is not a nice person. No person who really cared about you would treat you this way. I hope this isn't too hurtful. But chances are if you landed here there's even more...I only say this because I know. I joined here when I was trying to get out. I didn't and got D & D'd in a horrid way. The cognitive dissonance and PTSD was incredible...I still have it but I'm here to tell you that six months NC I realize IT WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME! You will find much support, information, validation and help here. Keep reading. We are here for you. Good luck, sweetheart. Be strong. Sincerely, spinning (just a little today)


May 3 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Thunderbolt's picture

cognitive dissonance and PTSD

cognitive dissonance and PTSD was incredible.>>> I can totally relate. It is just such a headtrip that Im here and now see I don't mean anything to him. I forgot to add that WHEN I finally asked him last month WHY on earth he stopped speaking to me he told me that he didn't think i was being active enough (he likes to ski, bike, swim) and that he was very disappointed that I keep saying i would lose weight and never did (it is true i 'promsed' him and myself to get skinnier but it was hard and he knew i was trying) He said it was easier to just go silent instead of deal with me. So he gave the worst break up reason. I thne stupidly asked him if he at least MISSED ME during the 6 weeks we weren't talking. He said he was just going ahead living his life until I came back into it (uh he had half my clothes at his house , he had to know i would keep trying to contact him) So on top of everything else, for th elast month Ive felt like I never mattered to him after all. So D & D makes so much sense now that I read about it.
May 3 - 10AM
Hunter's picture


I'm Soooo sorry! This guy has Narced you! He is a piece of shit! Reading your story hit home with me! I had plans to leave my husband, I rented an apartment and hired an attorney. Then he drops the ball said "you think we are having a relationship" ah, well .. Yes I did. The only good thing was my husband never new and I'm working hard to repair the damage. As for you, they are so up and down. I recommend playing his game finding a new place and leave! They are too stupid and lazy to do anything. Buy some time, play nice, then leave. You'll need to see a thearpist and get on antidepressants. This is not an easy game you got yourself in! Stay here with us and we will help you! Hunter
May 3 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Thunderbolt's picture

Thanks for your advice.

Thanks for your advice.