How long did it take before you became indifferent?

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#1 Apr 30 - 9AM

Deidre40

How long did it take before you became indifferent?

I'm thinking back to the narc thing from last year...that took so long to really break free from, because we had a fake friendship going on.

But, ordinarily...you break up with these types...and you go NC...and there's no contact...how long before I can feel indifferent? :=( I have been not logging into that website...but I looked today. He had posted in the open forums, an update on his job. He's worshipped by so many men on that site, it makes me sick. It does. :=(

But, they don't know the real him. I guess someone who's been married 4x, they must think it's all the big bad women's fault. *eye roll*

And that 'friend' of mine? She jumped right into his thread...welcoming him back. I'm cutting that friendship off...and going to change my number soon. I don't need anymore fake friends in my life. After all he did to me, to trail him, so she can kiss his ass too?? Ugh.

I am not going to post there for a while, but feel like I'm going to cry yet again. I think because he's such a bastard. That I could let myself sleep with, and fall for...a bastard. That he knows he is a bastard, too...is the main thing. He prides himself on being a jerk. He admits it on there...

I just feel so ...icky. Stomach hurts. I dunno. Why did I have to date such a bad person? :=(

Anyways...just curious as to do you think if I'm off that site for a while, and once I stop lurking, I can finally get over this pain?

#2 May 2 - 3PM

nancyh

Yes, once you stay off the site & stop "N dipping"

Hi Deidre40, I have been NC for 129 days and I have noticed recently that I am thinking about him less and less. This weekend I was gardening and after about 4 hours I kinda said to myself, "huh, I haven't even thought about N." I am reaching the indifferent stage. It isn't like I never think about him, I do, there are times when I think about “us” and get a pang or some random thing happens and I am reminded of a lie he told to me and I still feel the shame of having been taken advantage of, of believing him - but the difference is that I do not dwell/obsess on it any longer. That part of my life is over and he cannot hurt me any more - unless I give him the power to (and that ain't happening). I believe NC is a state of mind, meaning, I went NC, not to hurt or punish him but to save myself. Self preservation. When I was with him I was out of control and felt like I was going nuts. NC gave me control back and has allowed me to get to this point. I know that I am moving in the right direction, I feel it every day, especially when longer and longer periods of time pass and he has not been on my mind. The peeking at sites where you can see him/his words only hurts you. It keeps you connected to him, his life, what he is up to, it only hurts you. I saw the term "N dipping" on another forum and for me, when I “N dipped” and looked at his Twitter, it hurt me. You know how N's have a way of not saying anything but conveying a lot with their silence or saying something indirectly and letting us jump to conclusions or fill in the blanks for them? Well, whenever we would do our macabre "dance" he would post stuff on his Twitter that was meant for me but looking back I realized he wasn't actually saying the words to me, he would just post stuff like, "I miss her." "I'm going to look for another girlfriend." And I would take all those words to heart and all of these feelings would wash over me. I found myself desperately looking at his tweets to see what he was "saying" to me, it kept me obsessing about him. I stopped looking at his profile, tweets, anything over 100 days ago. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Please stop looking at his threads - it will only keep you hooked/obsessing. I know how hard it is – like you, I had to walk through it. Yeah, it hurt like hell in the beginning of NC but I can honestly say that now it is more like a dull thud, if that. It gets better for us (but they have to live in their seeking new supply hell forever). Hang in their sweetie, hugs! Nan

Nan

#3 May 2 - 1AM

Qing Yuan

He knows himself to be

He knows himself to be bastard! These words resonated with me! Isn't it pathetic that they actually pride themselves on being 'petulant, unkind, controlling, dominating, cruel and all the rest' They often make no bones about how brilliantly horrid they can be!!! So pathetic and we lust and moon over that? Why exactly? Indifference comes when we see what they are and become free!

#4 May 2 - 12PM (Reply to #40)

ifinallygotit

Hunter - yes

Mine knew that he was incredibly difficult and that it hurt me but seemed fine with knowing he was impossible. i am getting happy from being away from the negativity... of course it did not start that way...

#5 May 1 - 8PM

ifinallygotit

For me changing my scene helped me detach a bit

I stopped obsessing when I went on a fun vacation recently but I was in bad bad shape from Nov - March. I kept reading and believing things would improve and they are!However I am not at all over this as I still wake up with him on the brain in the morning but i can snap out of it much more quickly and get on with my day. I am not jealous of his new GF at all. I no longer want him back though I still miss him (best friend and lover for 10 years). I have moved from shock and devastating pain to sadness and disappointment in his lack of character. But also experiencing relief that he is not jerking me around emotionally anymore. I have no choice but to get to indifference as he refuses to speak to me and never said goodbye. Our only conversation was me calling him at work in March for a few minutes to say that I thought it was bizarre to be afraid to have contact and that my stuff is at his house. He was too afraid to say much...he was beyond guilty...it was so weird as he acted more devastated than me when i am the one who got abandoned, deserted, dumped, left, tossed whatever. I guess I had to do all the emotional work even now that its done. it took a long time to admit that it is really over...like 6 or 7 months

#6 May 2 - 3PM (Reply to #38)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

really hard

We live in the same part of the world, close in age, similar narc types. I can't imagine doing 10 years with someone who turns out to be so flawed, to have such a poor character, so cowardly. I applaud you. Your recovery gives me hope that I will come out of this not just okay, but better than ever.

#7 May 1 - 8PM

Deidre40

Guess what?? I became a

Guess what?? I became a little bit indifferent today. :P Yep...read my other thread, to see what brought this about. I think it's a journey, ladies and gents. We're all on different paths of the journey...but we can get there! Neverlookback...I love what you wrote. {{hugs}} thank you so very much.

#8 Apr 30 - 9PM

neverlookback

Why did I have to date such a bad person? :=(

oh D it was just bad luck, wrong place at the wrong time, it was not your fault at all that this man sniffed you out and came after you, I know I feel the same way, why did I have to run into such a person and go thru this crap. Indifference takes awhile at least from my view, I think we feel indifferent when we have truly gone on with our lives and our hearts are relatively healed. I HATE the man yet I am still not quite indifferent just quite yet, I told him I could care less if he lived or died, but he will never know the truth only those on this forum know of my pain and what I went thru every painful day of my months of NC. I would tell him but its like saying bla bla bla bla bla to them like someone once said. I dont know if I could every really feel indifferent to him, someone that hurt me so deeply but I do know that one day soon I will take comfort in knowing there was nothing wrong with me that caused his sick behavior towards me, that is getting better every day. I dont know how I will feel about him when I am totally healed, I think I will just view him as disturbed and yet there will always be apart of me that will hate his guts because he knows right from wrong and he knows what he did to me was unforgivable. I dont want the hate to consume me I just want to release him in my heart and mind and know I ended a relationship with someone that was sick.

#9 Apr 30 - 6PM

Steph

I don`t think there is a

I don`t think there is a `set`time frame on reaching indifference.....but I think it is safe to say that engaging anything that triggers you and sets you back...even slightly....is hindering you in reaching that indifference. This site seems to cause you too much stress and questioning.....things you don`t need right now. I know you committed yourself to 21 days of not posting on the site, but maybe that should include not LOOKING either.... xoxo

#10 Apr 30 - 12PM

fooled no longer

everything triggers you and

everything triggers you and always will when you least expect it. Its your body warning you hes abnormal . I heard people in the bus making Easter plans that made me sob. i wasnt lonely i had places to friends who care, but hearing another mans careful plans to please his family made me realise mine doesnt give a shit, I dont seek indifference Im fine with allergic! you cant be indiffernt with Narc you need to be on high alert, because return they will. Put bigger locks on the door, and dont trust yourself not to cave in. remember Physcos crave pity more than anything. some people hate peanuts, some people are allergic to peanuts they know it can kill them. I feel the same about the Narc both hate and allergy. Stay on alert. im designing a narc alert system that can detect lack of brain activity under emotional situations. FUCKWITTS!!!!

#11 Apr 30 - 3PM (Reply to #29)

Deidre40

to all

Thanks for this!! I understand, and agree. So, I just got back from the gym. Still haven't logged in. I WAS TEMPTED. I was going to log in my diary...but nah. I am going to do this! 21 days. The first few days are the hardest. I went the longest off of there for like 2 days? lol I know, that sounds pathetic. But, old habits die hard. And I do like some of the folks on there, but not only because of the stupid narc, I want to do this as a way to increase in temperance. To get away from relying on the internet for entertainment and validation. I have nice friends in my life, that I am spending more time with now. My kids...I have a blessed life! And I have you guys. This site does not give me validation. It helps me know I'm not alone out there, with this issue. But, it doesn't give me male validation. That site has been nothing but a hinderance for my walk with Christ too. But, can I admit I just peeked?? :D And I looked at 'his' posts. OMG. Childish. Immature. Scary that this man has had 4 marriages, and kids. He writes like a horny teenager. I am so glad it's over. I think by not logging in, the peeking will subside. I am trying, ladies and gents. I'm trying. You know what's sad. He has been on there ALL DAY. He was on earlier today. He's on now. For a guy who said he hated that site, he's on it an awful lot. lol ANOTHER FORM OF CONTROL WITH ME. HE JUST DIDN'T WANT ME ON IT. LOL Something funny. Someone just called him out on here. Said he's immature, and should grow up. Hmmm...they got his number. Rather quickly too. It is a newer poster, and looks like someone pretending to be someone else that he pissed off in the past. There are so many he's pissed off...hard to keep track of them. But, I can write this without tears. Lurking sparingly ...and this too will decrease. Oh ...did I tell you all? I have a date tonight? Well, not a date date. He's a very good friend, since college. And he told me recently he has feelings for me. SO NOT A NARC! We are hanging out tonight...he knows all about this guy, and it's nice to be able to get a male perspective. He said there are just guys in life who never ever learned how to treat a woman...and he's one of them. It's too late for him to learn now. lol Funny how guys can make everything so simple. :D

#12 May 2 - 9AM (Reply to #31)

Hunter

D40

Today I start a real diet! Day 1, let's do it together, it's the same concept, No cheating for me and NC for you! Narc has caused a 10 pound weight gain! Wahooooo! Hunter

#13 May 2 - 2PM (Reply to #32)

Daisyd

weight gain.....

Hunter you can do it!!! I lost 80 pounds just before I met my NP, I gained 10 of it back while with him because they are energy vampires and I had NO motivation or energy to go for a walk! When I lost the 250 pound weight around my heart guess what??? my energy very quickly returned with a vengance!! Start going walking! summer is approaching just try 30 minutes a day mon-fri. Soon you will be wanting to do more! Love ya all!! I'm bouncing today fellow babies!

#14 May 2 - 2PM (Reply to #33)

Hunter

DaisyD

Thanks, today is day one! I have to stick to it like NC! :) Ugh all these rules Hunter

#15 Apr 30 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

kgirl

You can do it Deidre...21

You can do it Deidre...21 days...here we go! We're all here for you....supporting you and sending you strength :) Have a great time tonight!!! XoXo ~KG

#16 Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #26)

kgirl

Fooled no longer..... Maybe

Fooled no longer..... Maybe indifference is a lofty goal? :) I'll be happy if narcette no longer causes me so much pain and if she doesn't occupy so much space in my head! This board is great for insight....and my vocab! FUCKWITTS...NARCHOLES...I keep learning ;) LOL! ~KG

#17 Apr 30 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

Deidre40

Yeah. I agree. You know, I'm

Yeah. I agree. You know, I'm getting better about it all. I did lurk earlier. I think if I'm honest? My reason for lurking is I don't want him to say anything embarassing about me on there. Indirectly, or directly. I actually think I could post no problem. I read a few things he commented on, and he is definitely toned down. He said (when we were together) that I was very classy, that he doesn't really date or marry classy ''broads,'' so perhaps, he will tone his behavior down. But, we all know. It's only to get supply. He just wants classy supply, now. :P LOL Anywho...I am tired of trying to figure these narcholes out. They aren't worth my time anymore. I will keep at it. :=) Thanks for being here for me, KG...and everyone.

#18 May 1 - 1AM (Reply to #28)

dudette

you have no control

over what he posts on there D. Like I have no control over what my XN says to the people I work with and he has a relationship with.... I will not event try to second guess it and I will not discuss anything to do with him or his organisation with my organisation... See? I used to contract manage his organisation and if I was a N, or wanted revenge? I could ensure they never get a contract again and would sink them totally.... However, I am not a N and I know what that would say about me.... It matters not, ultimately you cannot stop it and trying to monitor it just exposes you to N info you really do not need to have access to.... you might still be feeling hypervigilant, I have had that in the early weeks of NC ( I used to think there was a bomb under my desk )....but that will pass.... Again I suggest you leave the site alone and concentrate on good human face to face interactions with people you love and trust Lots of love to you x

#19 Apr 30 - 11AM

fooled no longer

I dont want to stick a pin in

I dont want to stick a pin in anyones balloon, but I believe it is impossible to achieve complete indifference even if you are 10 yrs NC. Thats why women are still on here talking about a relationship of ten years back, some of them are remarried or with new partners but are still trying to work it out. Its the terrible thought that someone could attack you emotionally rape you pretend to share your ups and downs for years and then discard you like a piece of toilet paper, that is hard to absorb and we often get locked into understanding it, or trying to resolve it. Its like being robbed and murdered by your kid, except worse there was no desperation, no drug money needed, with N its just an addiction to power that they feed on, they keep going back to old sources. I wish indifference was a reality. I still feel hatred, deep hatred and i know thats not good, one day I wont care so much, one day it wont hurt so much. But I know ill never get over this, it will stand as a gaping scar to remind me. Its like they walk in and step over your dead body and keep going. Its is the only regret of my life, I always said I dont do regret. To reach indifference you need closure, they will never give you that. Ive given myself closure, but Im still looking over my shoulder. In the same way that fear will arise in a woman who has been raped when she hears footsteps behind her in the dark.. They are the devil incarnate, charming, and fatally attractive. Vampires need garlic to drive them away. Neediness drives Narcs away, so act clingy and needy and he will give you a wide berth. Ignore him and he will keep coming back. The only successful way to eliminate a narc is to play him at his game. act needy but dont expect anything from him.

#20 May 1 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

FINALLYFREE2BME

Thanks for this post. You are

Thanks for this post. You are so right! I'm one of those people who've been out of an N relationship for 5 years (with 5 years NC). I have a wonderful life with a great guy who I'm marrying in June. He's a musician and we have a wide circle of nice people who treat me with respect. However.... I don't see the N often, but sometimes he'll show up at a bar where my fiance's band is playing and I automatically start to shake. I can't control it, it's like an automatic response to a burst of adreneline. Probably PTSD related. (I don't show it and I don't make eye contact ever. I proceed to have the time of life dancing, etc, etc.) But that's when I start revisiting the boards. Each time before the sighting I feel as if I'm COMPLETELY CURED. So I'm always disturbed and disappointed at myself for my involuntary reaction to just seeing him. I've come to terms that that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I just get frustrated by people who think I may still "love" him because I get a trauma reaction from his presence. It's like my reaction diminishes my love for my great guy. One thing doesn't have to do with the other. I'd have the same response to anyone who had traumatised me. I tell them that my response is indicative to how much of a monster he is and leave it at that. So to answer the bigger question, no I don't believe that most of us ever reach complete indifference. (Although those people who have reached it aren't on the boards so my theory may be wrong). We are healing over a horrible wound to our soul so there will be a scar. And I think with any contact (in person, FB, mention by friends, etc) the scar gets picked at a bit.

#21 May 1 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

Ladydb123

FF2beMe

I do believe that healing will come however the wound and scar remains and can effect almost every relationship in your life. I still have huge trust issues because of false friends both males and females. I am able to recognize the red flags now. After reading so much here and other sites about narcissist I can now identify my ex-husband as one and that was 28 years ago. For years even the thought of him made my skin crawl. I have no thoughts or feelings for him. He did give me a beautiful son, who is doing his level best to not become his father. So far so go. I do understand that those who are new to recovery are having some hard times. I am still pissed at my self for getting sucked in as his friend. I am an older woman and right now I am just trying to be my own best friend again.

#22 Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #22)

Used

indiffrence

in away i see where you are coming from and yes we wouldnt be hear if we were indiffrent, my indiffrence is about not going back with narc, not listening to his beign VICTIMISED by one and all, his illnesses, his rages, his crying, his women all things that i was NOT indiffrent to once but am now, i looked after him in a big way, protected him was loyal to him and felt all his fears once, i dont now i am indiffrent to what he does, and what is done and said to him and about him, the bad days i have are what i let my self put up with from him in the name of freindship and compassion that is my only lack of indiffrence about him, plus beign here even if we feel better to hopefully help someone else. i met exnw last week after 10mnths nc i let her talk to her hearts content, then i walked away and will continue to do so, but even with her i get annoyed with the things i let her get away with thats human nature, but they wont get the chance to do it again, simply b/c i am indiffrent to their APPARENT PLIGHTS NOW I JUST DONT CARE.

#23 Apr 30 - 11AM

dudette

I am so indifferent

That when EW contacted me a couple of days ago to tell me that OW has been in touch with extraordinary stories of his cruelty towards her and if we go for a drink she will tell me, I did not want to hear it... Not because I care, because I don't.... He and OW are not my business 6 months NC that became more and more absolute over time has been great for me.... I cannot even remember what he looks like... Yesterday I celebrated the royal wedding with friends withough suh as atrigger or a moment of sadness, then went to a karaoke sessions and sang my little heart out without so much as a thought for ExN.... So it's all right now, in fact it's a gas !!!! so I would suggest that you get off any sites that keep you on any N or friends and family of N's radar absolutely and never ever, under any circumstances engage in conversations about N unless it is your therapist or someone who you know you can trust....

#24 Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #15)

kgirl

Dudette....I'm so glad for

Dudette....I'm so glad for you! It's great to hear how well you are doing! It's so encouraging to see what NC can do :) I was thinking 18 months....but I'll take 6 ;) I am at 8 days TOTAL NC and already feeling much better! hugs for you! ~KG

#25 Apr 30 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

dudette

you will win this kG

It is absolutely a case of winning against yourself! Patience, resilience, fighting CD, staying away from toxic people and any kind of virtual interaction, plenty of sleep... Everything that has a connection of any kind must go, Photos, presents, objects,music, books - everything that triggers you . I gave a bagfullof clothes to the charity shop. They were my best clothes that I would buy specifically to go on dates etc... with him.... All gone! Very strict discipline I know but you know what? totally worth it...and therapy, with someone who gets it.... Not cheap either and not insurable but a worthwhile investment and now No more PTSD, the only thing that has remained is the 40 pounds weight loss that I has led me to buy a goreous dress today, 3 sizes smaller than before....Am I complaining? Hell no! Keep strong KG, One day you will win this and you know what? it is a beautiful life out there without the narc... 4 months ago I was still thinking that I would never be able to enjoy life again... not so.....

#26 Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #20)

deecbee

Good for you! Haha, I think

Good for you! Haha, I think if there's one thing I can thank him for, it's being so crushed that I couldn't eat... got skinny, weight has stayed off, and Im feeling good physically :) some people call it the "divorce diet"- one good thing to come out of a vicious break-up!

#27 Apr 30 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

kgirl

Dudette....so glad you're

Dudette....so glad you're feeling the beauty of a narc free life! Wow....I haven't done ALL of that. Intuitively I have done some. There are songs I've deleted off my iPod....they would make me hurt so deeply and feel sick. I got rid of a few items that were gifts and a scented lotion that really triggered me. She's completely wiped of my FB account...no connection or photos there at all. But I still have some photos and trinkets that remind me of her still....ugh! I better get out a trash bag. I have a ways to go I guess, it hurts to think about getting rid of some of these things. This does take a lot of discipline....I wasn't expecting that! I thought NC was just not contacting them, looking them up or responding to them anymore....but it goes way beyond that to all these things that keep the psychic bond. Thanks for the insight! ~KG

#28 Apr 30 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

dudette

KG anything

that triggers you is to be avoided, in the first feww months anyway.... smells as you pointed out were a real trigger. I used to make a real effort for N with perfumes because he would always come round and say oh you smell so nice.... so many many bottles of perfumes, shower and bath products etc... have also had to go... It IS a ruthless process but again. for me personally it was worth it... The beauty of it is that I can now re-intriduce some of those things to my life without the pain coming back... But it is a very slow and pregressive thing. |If it triggers you, just make do without..... Lots of love Dx

#29 Apr 30 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

dudette

Decbee and KG

ah no, it's a pleasure.... I have to say I should be on alert because I have this feeling that N is close to being dumped by OW.... To be honest, it was just a matter of time. but he has no way of getting to me in any private manner nowadays, he would have to use a proxy of use a public method like my work account. Plus he knows that I am onto him and his disorder so I am quitely confident that I shall be at the very bottom of the hoovering list.... and so I am not worried about it. If it comes, it comes. I'll delete delete and delete.... Good luck staying NC ladies :-) and enjoy the benefits of the diet Decbee ;-)

#30 Apr 30 - 11AM

kgirl

I'm so sorry you are feeling

I'm so sorry you are feeling low D :( All of this is "icky" and we're bound to feel down about it. Please don't blame yourself....all you did was love someone. It's not our fault that they presented a complete false self to us...that's who we fell for. Not the ASSHOLES that they revealed later. We're generous, loving women and they took complete advantage of us. We're going to heal, learn and protect ourselves in the future! I think that site will keep you stuck and in pain Deidre :( Set yourself FREE! Put the focus on you and don't give him any more space in your head. I feel SO much better since I've been TOTAL NC from narcette for 8 days. But I know I'm not indifferent....have a pit in my stomach about seeing her for that band concert. I've been told a couple times to give it 18 months....I think it's a long haul. Sending you strength and hugs and peace and hugs...and one more hug! ~KG

#31 Apr 30 - 9AM

Used

indiffrence

it has taken a while[18mnths nc], but when did i definatly know? last week i saw him having a drink with a woman when he saw me, he leaned over to her and put his arm round her i carried on about my buisness and thought OMG I AM FREE. i couldnt have cared less if i had tried.oh and he was clean with fairly good clothes on[unheard of] 6weeks without washing or changing his clothes when i met him. ps i forgot to say found out exnh has been in a relationship for 11years, didnt care about that either.how could i have forgotton to write that, oh i know INDIFFRENCE.

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