I can play guitar again! Yee-haw!

I feel quite elated tonight, because after supper I picked up my guitar and played along with the acoustic version of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" -- and for the first time in an entire year, I found I could once again play effortlessly.

Those who play a musical instrument are probably aware that real music flows from the soul to the fingers, and one of the things that my narcissistic ex-girlfriend destroyed in me is my soul, which of course precludes the path to the fingers. It's finally coming back, and that's a huge step forward for me!

I found myself marvelling at the lyrics also… they're almost an anthem for all of us on this site who are "halfway there" --

Whooah, we're halfway there
Whooah-oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear
Whooah-oh, livin' on a prayer

The most remarkable thing about this site is that whenever someone posts something in the forums, there are always several people who take their hand and lead them forward ("we'll make it, I swear"). The incredible amount of compassion, love and trust here is just mind-boggling. Having been deprived of these feelings for so long, I just don't have adequate words to describe how wonderful it feels to see this happening. Everyone who has posted here should pat themselves on the back, as you all deserve it!

Since I'm new to this site, by way of introduction, I've copied some of my comments from this past week below. I already know some of you (kevsmart, Hunter and michele115) from our mutual commenting, so I'd like to share a bit about myself for the rest of the members.

04/28/2011 - 17:45 -- from Lisa's Blog -- Why the Narcissist Chooses Us

kevsmart: I am so happy to find another guy on this site...

Thanks, kevsmart. You're right, it's much more difficult for abused men to get support because frankly, most people – both men and women – can't even believe that men would ever get abused. So I found myself feeling very ashamed when I realized I was being abused, and I still find it downright embarrassing to share my experiences with my male friends (but I have a couple of longtime woman friends who have been very good listeners).

The scariest things about female narcissists are that (a) they're much more subtle and sneaky than male narcs, and (b) narcissistic women are soooo good at playing the victim to others.

BTW, there's a blog similar to this one, but primarily for men (and yes, there are both straight and lesbian women on it also) at www.shrink4men.com. The style of the articles there is a little different (more matter-of-factual), but "Dr. T" has a doctorate in psychology. But I like Lisa's site very much, as it has a kinder, softer feel to it.

The comments there pretty scary sometimes... "the woman is always the victim" is deeply ingrained in the police and justice system, and there are many stories of the police arriving at a domestic disturbance and automatically hauling away the man, or divorce cases where the judge doesn't even want to admit the husband's evidence because he's satisfied that the wife is the victim.

The only site I've come across that offers support resources for both male and female victims of abuse is in Canada, http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/.

Thanks again for your kind comments, kevsmart. Take good care.

o o o

I'm equally happy to have come across yours. Poor you – an actor and a narcissist – what a deadly combination! One thing I've learned from all the articles and comments I've read here and elsewhere, is that vilification comes as naturally to narcissists as abuse. They can do no wrong, so they'll trash you to all your mutual friends, say nasty things about you on Facebook, etc. I've just accepted that as a fact, and it doesn't bother me as much now.

Before you applaud too loudly for my courage, let me explain how and why I left. Although she abused me terribly, I never once abused her in return. Nor did I ever, ever stoop to name-calling or false accusations. I tried to remain calm and kind to her in the midst of her rages (which were provoked by the silliest and most trivial things). I will admit to having raised my voice (something I very, very rarely do) just twice, and it was on purpose: I had run out of things to reason with, and I thought that raising my voice might help her understand that I was serious about my position. It didn't work (my position was obviously irrelevant to her).

I left the day before Valentine's Day. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and at the end of my rope, and felt extremely frustrated about being expected to do "something nice" for my tormentor tomorrow. That would be complete hypocrisy, and that same morning I packed my belongings and left.

I don't abuse others and I don't accept abuse from others. Integrity is when you stick to your moral principles, and she was slowly pushing me into becoming a total hypocrite. Somehow, my integrity just spontaneously produced the courage it took to leave.

You're right, as men we're taught to be the protector – and we're expected to protect ourselves also. But none of us – neither men nor women – have ever been taught how to protect ourselves from psychotic people who are stellar actors and compulsive liars. And that's why sites like this are so valuable.

You hang in there too, my friend.

Fri, 04/29/2011 - 10:44 -- from the Steps 1-3 Forum -- "I Need a Clue"

Hunter: Ok guy, what's your story?

In brief, I got narc'd like most people here, but by a woman. I'm two months out of it after a year and a half in the relationship. The first five months were paradise, but then I moved in with her and things began to slowly degrade, and really accelerated to pure hell when things began to get difficult with her divorce (which began shortly before I met her). I went through a few rounds of D&D and hoovering, until I finally couldn't take it any more, packed up and left.

Note that her divorce is still in progress (and I'm ashamed to say that I foolishly supported and helped her with it), and is now longer than our entire relationship. She has refused two reasonable settlement offers, and clearly wishes to soak him for as much money as she can.

Maybe one day I'll write up the complete story (most of it is already posted in bits and pieces at www.shrink4men.com), but for now, I can assure you than female narcissists are as equally cruel as their male counterparts, and even more subtle and sneaky with their manipulation tactics.

Over at the shrink4men site, there are several women (plus a couple of lesbians) and I've found that other points of view are very refreshing and remarkably useful. One of the reasons I joined here was in the hope that my perspective could be helpful.

o o o

Hunter, thanks for the warm and kind welcome. I'll do my best to be gentle.

I'd like to point out a couple of things about myself. I was raised by loving parents in a totally low-conflict family. I had no clue that such evil people existed, let alone how to defend myself against them. I'm soft-spoken, calm and slim – to the point that I sometimes get hit on by gays. I've recently learned that these are all characteristics that make me succulent prey for narcissists, and now that I know what to look out for, I hope I'll never have to go through such an ordeal again.

This has in fact been my second "relationship" with a narcissist. Several years ago, I suffered a medically-diagnosed burnout at the hands of what I now understand to be a narcissistic (male) boss. I underwent eight months of therapy, where I learned that I have a tendency to take on too much responsibility. My therapist helped me immeasurably to understand reasonable limits and what I could and could not be held accountable for. It's precisely that which got me professional life back on track, and also why I left my N. Over time, she slowly abdicated all responsibility for herself and blamed everything on me. She actually expected me to be fully and completely responsible for her happiness (just like my former boss raged at me because his lousy year-end bonus was all my fault).

So I'm a firm believer in therapy, and I think 7yearitch would do remarkably well – she has the same self-questioning mindset that I did, and that's exactly what's needed to progress quickly. When I suggest therapy, it isn't meant to insult anyone, it's because I truly think that they could benefit from it. I've been there, and if I see that I stop progressing in my recovery, I'll be back at the therapist's office right away.

I smiled when you mentioned a "Royal Wedding" – right now, like so many others here, I too have a lot of work to do on myself. My ex-N drove me to the brink of physical and emotional exhaustion, and I actually started seeing the same burnout symptoms from several years ago. It's only been a few weeks since the cloud has begun to lift, and I know I still have a long way to go.

Thanks again, Hunter. Best wishes to you, 7yearitch. And a happy N-free weekend to all.

o o o

Finally, here is something personal that I have not yet posted, regarding sex.

Our sex life was absolutely spectacular for the first six months, but once I moved in with her and the devaluations started, it worsened rapidly. As Dr T from shrink4men succinctly pointed out, "devaluation is not exactly an aphrodisiac."

My ex-N had a penchant for thrashing me at night, and then just five minutes later wanting to have sex (which, of course, was the furthest thing from my mind at that point). I recall telling her on a couple of occasions that "when you treat me so disrespectfully, the thought of making love to you just grosses me out." She actually interpreted that as "you think my body grosses you out" and I got the standard lecture about how so many other guys would just love to have sex with her. Somehow, the "disrespectful treatment" part just didn't sink in at all.

It gets worse. She demanded that I see a doctor and have my testosterone levels checked. So I did, and the doctor asked me a lot of questions which I honestly answered… and in the end, recommended that I work things out with my girlfriend, as relationship stress in the number one reason for erectile dysfunction. My narcissistically arrogant girlfriend, of course, demanded that I see another doctor that would prescribe Viagra or Cialis. (no way, my doctor is really good!)

This is narcissism, my friends. Going from spectacular sex to erectile dysfunction in a mere three months, and getting blamed for it. Narcissists just cannot take responsibility for anything at all.