Does Ignoring Them Always Bother Them?

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#1 April 25, 2011 - 11:58am
Anonymous (not verified)
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Does Ignoring Them Always Bother Them?

I posted this as a comment in another thread, "The Worst Punishment for the Narcissist," but would really appreciate some insight or opinions on these questions.

I've been NC for just over 6 weeks now. But the day it all finally went down it was very strange. He had given me the BIG D & D several weeks before, but we were still locked in
"the dance." There had been several attempts at NC during this time on my part. He would call or text and I would ignore it for a couple of days and finally give in and respond. There was fighting, me venting and getting things off my chest, trying to get closure, blah, blah, blah.

But the LAST day of contact, we actually had a fairly "decent" conversation (in comparison to others.) That night we were texting as follow-up to earlier in the day, and in true Narc fashion, he turned on me at one point and got nasty when I wasn't even attacking him. I was expressing my feelings and wasn't being negative or argumentative. But it deteriorated to the point that the last thing he wrote to me was, "Don't ever contact me again in any form. No calls, emails or texts." And that was that, except for the final text I sent him saying he was dead to me now and would never hear from me again. Neither one of us has made an attempt to contact the other.

SO. My questions are:

1. Since HE told ME not to contact him anymore, is he relieved I haven't?
2. Or was it a challenge because he didn't think I'd be able to resist trying in some way at some point?
3. Is he really affected by my NC with him like HE wanted? Is his ego bruised at all? Does he even notice?
4. Is he pissed because he lost control?
5. Does he even think of me (the supply I gave him and miss it?)

I would love to think I'm driving him crazy right now (realizing that it's just because he's frustrated, angered, whatever it is he feels when he doesn't get his way.)

He has ample supply right now with the new GF he gets to spend all his free time with, unlike what he had with me because I live on the other side of the country and couldn't see him very much. We DID talk on the phone every day for hours though and we were both very dependent on that interaction and he can't do that with the new GF because of the type of job she has. He's also getting a lot of supply from family and friends who are all "applauding" this new relationship.

April 26, 2011 - 8:01pm

Oddly enough, NC has been

Oddly enough, NC has been very easy with this narc. I say 'this' narc, because last year, I dated ANOTHER narc. No worries, I'm working on this never happening again.

The narc of last year has been hoovering. Recently. I did break NC with him, but he doesn't hold the same interest he once did. I actually feel sad for him. He hasn't changed. lol Still craving my attention, and approval for some unknown reason. But, this narc...the one I recently broke up with--I have no desire to break NC. None.

He's a mean narc. He scares me even. So, I have no desire to break NC. I broke it a week ago, when he posted a nice comment on the website we belong to...for me to see. (which some here thought was a hoover attempt) Well, I texted him to thank him. Like I thought that was his attempt at a peace offering after the breakup. NOPE. He smashed me down. Told me off. Told me to leave him alone...that he will always think I'm a good person, but he also thinks I'm a liar. lol! I'm a good person, but a liar? Oy vay.

So, no. I have no desire to talk to him. But, I wouldn't mind if he left me a vm msg saying he was sorry for hurting me. He has never ever said he's all the hoovering after the break up.

A pipe dream, I know.

April 26, 2011 - 6:19pm

I know that when I go NC or

I know that when I go NC or will not take his phone calls or tell him something he wants to know it does bother him. However, we have a child together and it is about control for him and he uses the child as a method to get me to speak to him or control me. HE LOVES CONTROL! He also does not want me to expose him to people we know.

April 26, 2011 - 12:46pm

The BIGGEST FEAR and narc has

The BIGGEST FEAR and narc has is to be abandoned ... by abandoning them and going NC causes them deep pain and injury ..
Never listern to a narc at D&D time as he will go as low as he can possibley go and the "dont ever contact me again " is just hurtful word salad .
The problem is the narc will not show us that he upset , in fact he will act as if you dont exsist . Not answering youre calls is "the silent treatment " please look that up as a form of abuse , the silent treatment keeps you locked into the game and in an almost super natural way keeps him fed with supply .When we go nc and really stick to it almost always the narc will make contact , keep nc and you will see this . No contact means just that , no last texts to say goodbuy , no face booking , no emails , no talking to mutral friends about him , no bumping into him because we know he will be somewhere (we have all thought about it lol )no showing "on line " in IM and no carryer pigeon , nothing , zilcho .
The pain a narc feels through abandonment is not however pain born out of love for you , the pain is from his deep routed fear of having to face himself in the mirror and being with out supply . xx

April 26, 2011 - 5:02pm (Reply to #34)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is really helpful to know.

I'm realizing now that he probably never got the final text I sent him 6 weeks ago that I didn't mean it when I said I had been out there visiting but didn't tell him I was there. That I only said it to see what his reaction would be. The rest of the text said it would be the last he ever heard from me because he was dead to me now. So if he never got that text, he's still thinking I was there but didn't tell him which made him LIVID! Livid because it would mean he really lost control over me! Ha, ha, ha......

I have had him completely blocked on FB ever since then, which also pissed him off because I did it to him before he could do it to me. I got a nasty text about that too before he said to never contact him again. Although, even though he's blocked, we have mutual friends (former classmates) on our lists who know nothing of our relationship because it was secret since I'm married, who interact with me quite a bit, but rarely if ever with with him. They will sometimes post something in their status using my name. When I comment, he can't see it, but I know it annoys him if a conversational thread gets going where he can see the comments of the mutual friend but not mine, and it looks like they're talking to themselves. I know it annoys him because one of my best friends who had been on his list blocked him first but but he and I were still in contact with all the post D&D conversations. He made a remark one day that he could tell people were talking to her but couldn't see what she was saying and that it was STUUUPID! He said it with such sneering contempt in his voice, so I know it makes him mad. And whenever that happens he's getting a little bit of a reminder that I'm still around so he can't completely forget about me and I get a little kick out of knowing it pisses him off. Reverse hoovering? BTW, these same friends don't post things to him so I don't get a dose of what he is getting. Other than that, it has truly been zero contact and since we live on opposite coasts there's no chance of running into him.

April 26, 2011 - 1:46pm (Reply to #33)

Whether this applies to my

Whether this applies to my situation or not, I needed to read that. NC feels a LOT easier if I know it's bothering him in some way. It feels doable! Yes, I do want to go NC and get healthy for myself... but why not get under his skin in the process?!

April 26, 2011 - 11:11am

I have the same question kind

I have the same question kind of. Now that I found out lies about mine and I blocked him from texting will he try harder or think I'm too much work and go away? I couldn't handle him trying harder right now

"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

April 26, 2011 - 2:00pm (Reply to #31)


I think he will go silent for months and just when you feel better he will sock it to you!

When he returns he may be Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. Prepare your self for anything.

April 25, 2011 - 4:00pm

smitten kitten

Mine kept telling me not to contact him and yet i would send letters,cards,he changed his phone number, he could NOT care less and i am sure is very happy to be rid of me, he did not go to another woman,I cannot imagine anyone having him ,late 60's with ED big time, real control freak, split personality. He was happy to get rid of me because i was guessing who he'really is.

April 26, 2011 - 11:44am (Reply to #28)

Almost sounds like the same man

My narc is in his late 60's with severe ED (Impotence) issues. If I didn't know better I'd think we were talking about the same man. Except mine has hooked a new victim...ah, woman.

Just for the general orneriness and a laugh, I put his photo on my blog at: if anyone would like to see what the sleaze bag looks like. Its near bottom of the page.

April 26, 2011 - 5:21pm (Reply to #29)

soaper girl

funny to see what your Narc looked like, not mine, but he might have well been!! HAHAHA

April 26, 2011 - 7:14am (Reply to #25)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Mine had already blocked both my house number and cell number from his phone so that my calls went straight to voice mail, but I could still leave messages. I was texting him that last night using an iPhone application called Text Plus that's only for texting and has a different number than my phone. When I sent him the final text that he would never hear from me again because he was dead to me, I sent it from my iPhone number which he had blocked on his phone. So now I don't even know if he ever got that or not. The calls would go to voice mail, but where would a text go? Either way, I will NOT contact him and give him the satisfaction of thinking I couldn't stay away and the opportunity to tell me to leave him alone and reject me again.

April 26, 2011 - 5:20pm (Reply to #26)


I will never forget when i tried to call him 2 years ago and got the recorded message that this number is no longer in service,, that was my first panic attack ever and all i had was his mailing address he had given me before he left our state. It was like losing my life jacket but now even though I am still lonely and trying to fill the void he left behind, I am doing better.He told me when he moved out of state ,that he was running away from himself andI said you will never do that. what a sad pathetic creature, lives in isolation on all his own terms, that is NOT living in my book, just existing.they are totally frightened, cowardly little toddlers in the guise of an adult male.

April 26, 2011 - 5:34pm (Reply to #27)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


That had to feel awful! I can imagine exactly how I would feel if mine did that. Even though I'm not going to contact him, I want the option, as crazy as that sounds. They rejected us enough when they started the withdrawal process right after hooking us and ultimately with the final D & D, so that's just one more rejection on top of many. But it hurts all over again. If anybody's going to reject anybody at this point, I want it to be me! Assholes! All of them.

April 25, 2011 - 3:27pm

When I broke contact before

When I broke contact before he said when I ignored him bothered him a bit but he put on his poker face..that should answer your question..yes it does bother them its all about control

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

April 26, 2011 - 2:05pm (Reply to #22)


When I broke contact with my ex about two years ago, I really felt like I was over him. I thought I was healed and initiated contact again...he warned me this time, if I felt the need to cut ties again, that it would have to be for good (Not even sympathetic to the traditional taking time out for healing that even occurs in a healthy, normal relationship.)

For the past year, contact has been minimal and superficial...always initiated by me...he was the abandoner, so I think it made him feel good for me to chase after him... he would occasionally text or send an e-mail, but it was very short and cold.

I have wanted to cut ties,but the fear of his ultimatum prevented, I'm in so much pain, realizing what he did to me, that I hope he holds true to his threat, for my sake.

April 26, 2011 - 7:56pm (Reply to #23)


I have to say this. This man sounds horrible. I read a few of your posts today. UGH. Cold. Calculating. Ugh!!!

I'm so sorry you have gone through this. {{{hugs}}}

April 25, 2011 - 1:46pm

Can't seem to manage NC (warning expletives used)

I don't seem to manage NC for any great length of time although, they are getting farther and farther apart. This past weekend was a bad time for me with a couple of rejections from strange men. I had a lot of anger I needed to get out. I did, I feel better, and now I'm heading off to the gym.

Last night I sent my Narc the following email: (scroll down)

It’s such a pity you turned out to be such a god-dammed worthless piece of shit. Tell Jan good luck with her turd polishing of her new sack of shit. Pew! Old and Ugly Narc Bastard, and getting more so all the time. I pity her. She definitely got the worst end of the deal. But then you can’t love anyone, and she doesn’t know that yet, the poor thing.

April 26, 2011 - 7:28am (Reply to #20)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I had actually sent mine some letters and messages telling him off prior to our last day of contact, along with some choice song videos from YouTube, "Cold Hearted Snake" being one of them. One night I sent him a text saying, "F**K OFF YOU SADISTIC F**K AND LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!!! Of course, THAT was not the end of it. Which is why the last day of contact was weird, because like I said, things were fairly decent compared to other conversations where I was fighting with him. And he seemed like he still wanted me around in some capacity that day too, asking me when I was coming to town again to see my friends, stating that I would see him when I was there when I said I wouldn't, etc. So I don't really know what clicked in his mind this night during the texting that he no longer wanted to communicate with me.

April 25, 2011 - 1:44pm

Ignoring Equivalents

The ex-Psych professor would literally avoid me when-
1) I was happy
2)Being myself
3)Laughing at him

These inflicted Narc injuries when I dealt with him in the flesh. These literally drove him away. He'd be getting attention, but NOT his beloved NS (Narc supply) It's like drinking decaf coffee, or non-alcoholic wine. It's like getting an imitation Gucci bag, or fake jewelry in Shanghai.

I *KNOW* those things drove him nuts. Seeing me happy made him loopy. I was watching the Leo Tolstoy biopic "The Last Station" last night, and when Leo courted Sofia, he told her "Your youth and your potential for happiness cruelly reminds me of my age and my unhappiness."
He ran away from me if he thought I was laughing at him (he was paranoid about people ridiculing him behind his back) He treated me like a leper if I were happy, he'd even whine "You don't need ME." Yes, seeing me happy&enjoying life didn't make him feel particularly godlike.

No wonder I told him how *HAPPY* I was about going to Boston (he discouraged me from going to his home state of Massachusetts, calling it the land of Neurotic Puritans), how *HAPPY* I am writing. It's like I was SO HAPPY I had to rub it in his face. Lucky fellow.

April 25, 2011 - 1:34pm

Smitten Kitten

my that if he is used to you "caving" and contacting him then ya, it will likely "bother" him....but I wouldn't say he will be consumed by it, know what I mean?

And if he has alot of supply now, like you said with his new girlfriend, than he won't give much thought to it probably.

WHEN that relationship fails though...he'll likely think "hmmm, I wonder what has happened to Smitten Kitten, haven't heard from her...maybe I shall contact her. She surely CAN'T be over ME"

and then he may hoover.....but when that will in such a strong place that you won't even want to respond!....and if you do want to....come here first...the ladies here will set ya straight!

Stay strong!


April 26, 2011 - 8:27am (Reply to #17)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Staying Strong

Yes, he is used to me caving and he would too. We never went for more than a day of not communicating in some form, even after I had told him to F**K OFF AND DIE!!! In fact, there was one time before the final D&D when he told me not to call him anymore or something (don't remember exactly) after a fight. At some point he actually called me and said, "You haven't called." I said, "You told me not to." He said, "Since when do you listen to what I tell you?"

This time was different though than all the others and mostly because he has the new GF. He had continued calling me for several weeks like he always had even though he was with her now, and telling her there were no other women in his life except her. And I'm thinking, except for me! He did mention in one of the texts that night that he should probably stop talking to me because she wouldn't understand it and he didn't want to keep any secrets from her.

BUT, just earlier that day on the phone he asked when I was coming to town again, I told him he wouldn't know when I did. And he said, "Oh, you'll let me know when you're in town again, of that I am sure." Then he said if I arranged a get-together with some of our old school friends like I did last time, he would go. I told him no, he wouldn't be invited, that I couldn't see him anymore, and he wouldn't know when it was anyway. Then he said, "What if I just show up?" And I say, "What are you going to do, go there every Saturday night for the next several months? And what about B_______ (the new GF)? What are you going to tell her?" And he said, "She'll have a bike ride on some weekend where she'll be gone." So even though he says he won't be keeping any secrets from her, his mind is already scheming.

I think the final text he actually SAW from me was after he turned and got nasty. I wrote "You know how I said you wouldn't know when I was out there next? That's because I already was." (Which wasn't true.) He responded with, "If that's true, then I have nothing to say to you again ever!!!" I replied, "Why? Why would you even care? You've moved on and have a new GF now." He wrote back, "You were here and didn't tell me, that's all I need to know!!!" He was PISSED! I had written that just to see what his reaction would be and I got a great laugh out of that - it was very satisfying. That's when he sent the final text telling me to never contact him again in any form. And then my very last text, which I don't think he saw now because I sent it the following day from my blocked number, I told him it wasn't true, that I hadn't been out there, I just wanted to see what his reaction would be, but he would never hear from me again because he was dead to me now.

April 25, 2011 - 1:39pm

And the answer is

You statement " do not contact me" pissed him off, supply or not he will punish you with silence.

If he has supply he doesn't need you! Sorry ( this one will hurt) he does not care one bit for you!

If you contact him he will destroy you for saying, don't contact me.

Remember this is all about him, think of it that way, he doesn't care who is in his path ,mission is to destroy and concour!

What does get to them is the truth! Calling them out, however it causes a huge rage and in the endit just isn't worth it.


April 26, 2011 - 8:53am (Reply to #13)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

He told ME not to contact HIM

I didn't tell him that, he told me. But I haven't contacted him and I also blocked him on FB which I know pissed him off when I did it.

This came up because of the thread where people said ignoring them is like slow death to them, and therefore the best punishment. But I was wondering if that's still the case when it's what THEY want vs. what WE want. That's why I wondered if he was relieved I've done what he wanted me to and left him alone, or if it bothers him I haven't caved and reached out in some way in 6 weeks.

I know I'm trying to make sense out of crazy and I can't, but I'm still processing all this. If ignoring him bothers him, even though he told me to, and even if he's not short on supply, if only because he can't BELIEVE he no longer holds that power over me, it gives me at least SOME satisfaction. It also gives me further incentive to stay NC.

April 26, 2011 - 10:43am (Reply to #15)

This is exactly how I feel.

This is exactly how I feel. As of right now, the N wants me to leave him alone while he focuses on his younger, fresh supply. I’m stale, I know who he is, I’m no fun for him to pick apart anymore. He is so used to me caving every other day, at the most once a week, so I HOPE that my never speaking to him again bothers him. I know I shouldn’t care and just move on or whatever but yes, I do want him to be bothered by the fact that I’m not going to get sucked in and contact him anymore. You’re right, it does make sticking to NC easier, knowing that it’s actually throwing them for a bit of a loop.

I think if he is used to you being weak and eventually contacting him, at some point he’ll notice your absence. The longer you’ve been back & forth with him, the more likely this is. I’ve been running back to him for 12 years, so I know he’s expecting me to circle around again in the future.

April 26, 2011 - 10:27am (Reply to #14)


You are processing this correctly, just starting thinking crazy, watch the behavior and learn. I bet it's not over. He'll let the dust settle then bring the vacuum as soon as you find peace!

Take this time of silence to further heal!


April 25, 2011 - 2:04pm (Reply to #11)

They do not like to be

They do not like to be exposed. My N asked that I do not contact him because he already secured someone else that was easier to control. She has low self-esteem, believes him 100%, just got a divorce and has 2 little girls so she isn't in a position to walk away so easily. He needed someone that he could control a little better. He doesn't nor didn't care the pain he did to me and my son. he didn't care that while living with me for 6 months, me providing a home, food, and lending him money while he was out of work, he was already starting a "friendship" with his now wife. Nor does she care that I was in the picture longer than he has told her. She believes SHE can make him happy. As time goes on and he gets bored, or she starts challenging him, he'll start reaching out to the ex's, maybe me. He did that while with me and with women before me so the now wife is not better than me or more special.

He is only mad that I exposed him, exposed the lies, the affairs, betrayals, and emotional neglect. of course, my exposing him helps him convince others that I am the one that lied and cheated. He is able to twist things around. But, anyone that thinks that even though he has this long line of jaded women, it couldn't possibly mean something is wrong with him, is just in denial.

Anyone that sees through them, is a threat and they will leave the threat alone...until lots of time has passed and they test the water.

April 26, 2011 - 9:26am (Reply to #12)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


"They do not like to be exposed. My N asked that I do not contact him because he already secured someone else that was easier to control. She has low self-esteem, believes him 100%, just got a divorce....."

This is similar to mine. Someone said they like convenience, which I am not anymore, being married and living clear across the country, especially after he devalued me. He didn't think or care about that when he targeted me though.

The new GF is an old GF from 25 years ago, he grew up with her, his family loves her, she's been divorced for over 5 years, and lives 15 minutes away. As for self-esteem, I don't know, but she was married for 15 years to a guy who I think was a Narc based on what my exN told me, so now she has her guard up and is afraid. So my exN is having to work extra hard and has had to change up his game to get her to trust him, but he's probably thinking she'll be ideal long-term supply.

I was always calling him out on his crap so we started arguing all the time. He said he anticipates there won't be arguing with her (Hah! Good luck with that Asshole, if you're in the equation there will be.) I get the impression she's more docile than me and he described her as very vulnerable. He always said I was strong, and now I know what that means. I was too strong for him to control the way he wanted to in the long run.

April 25, 2011 - 1:38pm

Hey Kitty

I am going to try to answer your questions from my perspective (what happened to me) since I don't have all the back ground on your story.

1. No he is not relieved, this is another manipulation. Real people in real relationships COMMUNICATE = no communication no relationship. But how can we know the mind of another? really? we can't know. You are still wrapped up in him, his feelings, his wants/needs. You are not considering yourself right now.

2.It is a hurtful and abadoning manipulation tool. If he finds it fun and a challenge - this is all bad for you.

3. Yes, if you stick to NC --REALLY STICK TO IT-- yes ,it will bother him very much.

4. Yes it's about control.

5. We can't know what someone else thinks. The questions is does he really care for you? Yes he will miss your supply unless he can find a replacement and he if can't ..well you will know. It's hard. But you are in the right place Kitten!

If he has a new GF I would think it will be awhile before he comes down off cloud 9. Hopefully by then you will of read so much of this disorder you will no longer want or think of him. I hope so!


April 26, 2011 - 10:03am (Reply to #9)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


"You are still wrapped up in him, his feelings, his wants/needs. You are not considering yourself right now."

This is true, as it's still very early in the process for me, although I've managed to stay NC for 6 weeks now. I am still licking my wounds, still have a lot of Cog Dis, and even find myself back to being in shock and disbelief on some days.

"2. It is a hurtful and abadoning manipulation tool. If he finds it fun and a challenge - this is all bad for you."

I was thinking more along the lines that it was a challenge to me and an ego booster for him at the same time. Tell me not to contact him in any way, shape or form but thinking, "Go ahead and try to stay away, I dare you. You won't be able to because you've never been able to in the past." Something along those lines anyway. But that was before a knew he was a Narc.

"Yes he will miss your supply unless he can find a replacement and he if can't ..well you will know."

Yes, he already has a new GF (recycled from 25 years ago) and she is perfect supply from everything he told me about her (although the sex is not as good!) He basically dumped me overnight using FB to post pictures of the 2 of them at a party, hugging, touching, kissing, etc. And based on the last pictures I saw (I blocked him on FB 6 weeks ago so don't see them anymore) and the things he told me, he is still on cloud 9. He said he loves her, hopes they'll be together forever, and he will probably marry her. That for the first time in his life, he is satisfied with the attention of just one woman.

I too hope that when/if he ever decides to hoover me, that I will no longer want or think of him. Right now he is still on my mind almost constantly.

April 25, 2011 - 1:09pm

I wouldn't be too sure of that, ladies.

I think it may be too early on for you to say that they are gonna walk away and never think on you again. The reason I say this is because time and time again it has been proven that many of our Ex-Narcs come back. Even when we think they have no reason to believe that we would fall for the crap again. Who knows, mine may try to contact me someday, even though its been ten years later and he is still calling me "Evil" on Facebook.

That right there should tell you something about how the jerk still feels about me. If he wasn't stewing in some way over the fact that I kept NC and dumped HIM from my life permanently after the last straw........then thinking evil of me should be the last thing on his mind as he was busily putting together his FB page with all our old photos of us in them. We broke up before the advendt of FB and Myspace, so this just seems to be another tool for him to hurt me.......its so pathetic.

So, no. I don't think they EVER stop thinking about us completely. We represent just one link in the never ending chain of people who have "hurt them" throughout their lives. Because, y'know, NOTHING is ever their fault, and they never fail at relationships, right?

They think of us when current supply falters or disappears. They obsess over us when they feel depressed over how shitty they are and want to shift blame to someone else. And I believe they always have us in the back of their minds as possible recycling material to use later on in the matter how implausible that future situation might seem. A desperate narc is a desperate narc. Weve seen this very thing on the board here.....Narcs popping up 20 years later to suck at their victims some more. Don't hink it can't and won't happen just because he seems temporarily uninterested.

I can't say for sure if he will, but I now know that its entirely possible that my ex Narc might try to suck me back in someday. He will give me a song and dance excuse about the FB thing and tell me he had some type of "epiphany" about how I'm the only one he truly loved yada yada. I don't relish this possibility, and Im not checking FB every day in anticipation.....not by a long shot. But...I will be ready and armed to the teeth for that day if it ever comes.

I'll make him feel even more foolish than he's ever felt in his life and he will wish he had never even contacted me. I would show that assclown a few new things about how to D&D someone, that's for sure. And then NC for good.

Sorry, I know there are those who would say don't even waste my time with a reply, but it would be more for MY benefit than his. Not about being sucked back into the drama, but more about any type of further closure I could create for myself. Since he robbed me of that 10 years ago, it would be my opportunity to get it for myself.

Don't for one second think that he is 100% gone for good, girls. That's what they want you to think. Don't obsess over it or worry for it, but don't be blindsided by it either.

April 26, 2011 - 10:38am (Reply to #7)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


"So, no. I don't think they EVER stop thinking about us completely."

I guess it helps to know this because it's hard to conceive of the idea that not only did I mean nothing to him in the end, but that he would just forget about me too as if I never even existed. I would like to feel I had SOME impact in some way.

I now know that he still thought about the previous GF prior to me when he was with me. And when he started pulling away 6 months into our relationship, that's when he hoovered her. Although I realize now, he was always hoovering her to some degree because she's still on his FB friends list. During the final D&D he said he never got over her until now. Now that he's with the new GF. He said she was really special to him for reasons even he didn't understand, and that he will always care about her.

But I ask myself, if she was so special, WHY did he start pursuing me while he was still with her and sabotage that relationship? (Because that's what they do.) He was only a couple of months into their relationship when he targeted me and D&D'd her. She also is married and long distance, although only 4 hours vs. across the country.

I think she never figured out who/what he really is and since the relationship only lasted a couple of months, it never really played out the way ours did. Ours lasted a year and we were so much more involved. But they stayed friends and she never went NC. I think that's what makes her so special to him. She continued contacting him even after he hurt her by going after me, she never called him out on his shit, they didn't fight (we didn't either the first couple of months), so she is better supply to recycle than I am. She's more convenient and still gullible. He also always described her as very vulnerable like the new one while saying I was strong.

April 25, 2011 - 1:53pm (Reply to #5)

ha ha mine

had an epiphany too once. after I had found out he had cheated, and forgave him because after all, I was married so how could he not right???

H ah ah all the same...

April 26, 2011 - 10:51am (Reply to #6)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Me Too!

I ended up forgiving mine after he cheated with a girl he met at a party for the same reason. After all, I'm married and live clear across the country. How fair is it to him to expect him to remain celibate during the months in between seeing him? Never mind that I wasn't having any sex with my husband. Supposedly there was no intercourse or oral, just making out at the party with HEAVY petting and he never saw her again. He confessed it to me to begin with, and he keeps sticking to that story even after the D&D, while other stories of his changed constantly. After the D&D he intentionally told me about some things that weren't true all along just to hurt me, so I figured he would have told me a different version of this incident to hurt me too. Of course it's possible he held back on some things to keep from driving me away completely in case he wanted to recycle me some day. Who the hell knows at this point. I figure everything was a lie now.

April 25, 2011 - 1:00pm

I once read

on a N forum that it absolutely kills them although they would not want to admit it....

in the end we have to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and go NC for our own sake and our own sanity....

But I also agree that when they no longer get the drama from us, they get it somewhere else....

April 25, 2011 - 12:50pm

I agree with Soaper. i wish.

I agree with Soaper. i wish. It bothered them, but as fickle and shallow as they are, how could it for very long? They are focused on their new supply. They won't notice our absence until that supply has worn out. And even then, they don't really care.

I think the most frustrating part of all this is knowing that nothing really gets to them for a significant period of time. I could easily and gladly never look back or think twice about this if i knew he felt one iota of discomfort over the situation.

April 25, 2011 - 1:40pm

When they're done, they're done

And the final D&D I don't think they even give a damn. Whey they're done with you, they're done. That's a generalization, but true, I think. They have such shallow emotions, I doubt anything gets to them for long.

When I saw him on the vidcam after the first D&D, he looked very tearful, pathetic, sad and broken - Was it an act?, I have no idea. Probably.

I do know after the first D&D - when I had my first D&D later we discussed it briefly: He wrote me that Not hearing from me was driving him crazy, couldn't sleep or anything. When he was out working in the yard thinking of ending it all between us - his mind asked him "Are you fucking crazy". so, anything is possible.

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