Being stuck in the "inbetween"

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Apr 20 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
Hunter
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Ex

When I get stuck I read! Reading brings me bact to reality! You've come to far. He is a master manipulator, he is baiting you and you are biting! Run in the opposite direction! NC,NC Stand Firm
Apr 22 - 1AM (Reply to #19)
Journey
Journey's picture

Hunter!

Hello my friend (sorry for going off topic), but even with a different name (which is very cool btw), I'd recognize that snarl anywhere - lol!

Journey on...

Apr 19 - 6PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

StayingStrong

Great question!!!!!! "I think if we are finding ourselves "inbetween" the "getting it" phase and the subsequent "continuing to move forward" phases....then likely there is still something there that we aren't dealing with or being honest with ourselves about. For me, it was hanging on to the hope that even though I knew he was disordered...I still wanted to feel that I impacted him. Once I faced that and really let that idea go....I became less stagnant and started moving forward again. That was my experience." These are exactly the types of questions we need to ask ourselves and each other in order to help one another move forward. Great question! xoxo
Apr 19 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Stayn strong

I'm almost 13 months NC. I want nothing to do with him. He is dead to me. He will never be a part of my life again. And yet he is on my mind every day. I hate that. I ask myself every day why he is. I couldn't figure out the why of it. You just told me. I realize I haven't accepted the fact I meant nothing at all to him. That I was and am on the same level as all the skanks he cheated with. How did you face it and really let it go? I would imagine it took some very deep soul searching and pain like the D&D to really truly accept the fact..I was replacable. I meant nothing to him. Really truly meant nothing. It was all fake. I was used. Lied to. Emotionally abused. Shit here comes the anger again. I just want peace.
Apr 19 - 6PM (Reply to #11)
Steph
Steph's picture

don't get me wrong....I still

don't get me wrong....I still think of him and the situation I was in with him...I still have work to do too....but, I AM moving forward. How did I face it and let it go? Well, I kept telling myself that I was asking the IMPOSSIBLE of him. He doesn't get to have the final say on my worth...because he is not biologically or emotionally equipped to do so. I said to another member on this thread....seeking validation from him is like asking a short person to become tall etc....my response is below.... Think about it, and I mean REALLY think about it...."you meant nothing to HIM at all".....so what???? "HIM" is disordered....he isn't equipped with adequate emotional maturity. Look at WHAT he is. He does NOT have the ability to define what "means" something. Ya know? You just really need to contempate that. HE does NOT have the "tools" to make accurate judgements.....so therefore, that makes his "judgements" VOID. He doesn't hold the "final answer" on your worth. He can't. He can't. He can't.
Apr 19 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

I am moving forward too

and I do feel better than I have in a long time. I don't walk on eggshells anymore. I don't worry about if HE'S happy. I do what I want to be happy. And I now realize my worth is not dependent on what he thinks. I honestly don't give a shit what he thinks because I know he's sooo f'd up.He doesn't deserve me! But to really accept the fact our 10 yrs together meant not a single iota to him at any time is like DAMN!!! Not one single moment meant shit to him. I go between being really pissed off at him then me and then get creeped out that he was in my life and my kids. Should've listened to their instincts. Children have THEE best. And I had to laugh cuz mine was really short and wanted to be tall like me. LOL!! So when I picture him strutting his short hairy ugly as body around and knowing he's soo f'd up and he knows I know that gives me strength. Still hate the fact he gets away with what he does. I will find my peace knowing I know deep down he's truly miserable. Thank you for your words stayn strong. I don't want to keep thinking about what it was. I want to heal and move on. I wish I could forget my time with him. erase it. but I know I can't so I really want to learn from it. Make damn sure it doesn't happen again.
Apr 19 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
Steph
Steph's picture

faithinthefuture

"accepting" doesn't imply "easy".... what I mean is that even when you get to the point of ACCEPTING you mean nothing...doesn't mean ( even though you know their opinion is worthless cuz they are that disordered) ....that you won't feel pain from it. True acceptance doesn't come easy. There will be pain from it, most definately. Feeling that pain, that reality, is necessary though....it's a necessary feeling that KICKS YOUR ASS right into the next steps! healing isn't easy! ...but it sure as hell is POSSIBLE. Keep doing the work. It WILL pay off! Thanks for sharing! Thanks for your honesty! We all need to know that we aren't alone:) xoxo
Apr 19 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

stayn strong

"accepting" doesn't imply "easy". damn lady isn't that the hard core truth. But I want that feeling. I want to be KICKED IN THE ASS INTO THE NEXT STEPS. I am a woman with passion. I feel it in everything I do. I would rather have that passion than feel nothing at all. I find myself now looking at him and finding him pathetic. What a waste. I still want to call him on it. And yet I know I don't have to. I KNOW he knows I saw the real him and is scared shitless anyone else will see that. He's running scared every moment of his life. And I know he knows I am worth soo much more than he will ever be. I am a honest loving caring person. He hates that people know I am and they know he's not. I will heal. I already am. I will NOT let him have the best of me ever again. I see his games. And I'm not playing.
Apr 22 - 2AM (Reply to #15)
Journey
Journey's picture

Maybe the next step that

Maybe the next step that would help you move on is to make surrender part of that acceptance. I don't mean it in a weak way at all, but in a strength of letting go in order to free yourself from your own thoughts. I have had to tell myself it doesn't matter what he is doing, who he is with, if he is happy, if he is suffering, if I will ever see or talk to him again or if he cares in the slightest about me or what I'm doing, to truly let it go. Don't get me wrong, I am much like GettingStronger here and not over it yet, he is in my mind often still, but indifference is taking the place of the passion I felt - for and against. It takes time to retrain the brain, which is what I feel like I'm doing and it is working I think.

Journey on...

Apr 19 - 5PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wow! I think you're right.

Everything you said makes so much sense to me, I agree with all of it. I think that's where I am right now in my recovery, although sometimes I think I'm still in shock. The big D & D happened almost 3 months ago, but he still contacted me afterwards, wanting to keep me on a shelf as a friend (really just to heap more emotional and psychological abuse on me). I've only been NC for 5 weeks today, but still find myself replaying so many things he did to me in my mind. I still have a lot of CD that he could do those things. Of course, reading this board, I also find myself remembering more things too, so I'm still processing everything and probably need to get more of it out. Thanks for such an insightful post.
Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Steph
Steph's picture

smittenkitten

Keep getting it out! Purge! This board is you "puke bucket" lol....and I mean that in a very good way:) Your D&D was only 3 months ago and 5 months NC is early....you're still in the early stages....so don't feel stuck! Keepf getting it out and hang in there!
Apr 19 - 5PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

i feel like i will always be stuck

i know deep down he never loved me, and i mean absolutely nothing to him, and ive been replaceable the entire twenty five years, but im stuck hoping he will realize, which he wont, that i was irreplaceable, and he lost out, but he wont, he thinks hes the mackdaddy and i was just a good fuck, and a bitch that raised his kids, and the woman who let him do what the fuck he wanted, thats all i was, so sad im still stuck, still listening to his bullshit...i never meant a thing to him, and he has absolutely not an ounce of respect for me. nothing, im nothing and will always be nothing to him, and he made me feel that way about myself........sad, so sad....

Jaycee

Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Steph
Steph's picture

jaycee...

here's the thing though.....you AREN"T REPLACEABLE and you ARE NOT NOTHING.... That is the opinion of a severely disordered person. You are seeking validation from the WRONG person. I bet you have many people in your life that value you. They see your worth and appreciate you. Start focusing on those relationships for now. And, I bet soon, you will start being able to validate YOURSELF. It's your opinion of yourself that matters most. It's the love you give YOURSELF that matters most. Jaycee, looking for HIM to validate you...is like asking an infant to solve mathematical problems, or asking a short person to become tall, asking a cat to turn into a dog, asking the sky to turn red instead of blue, asking bowel movements to smell like roses, asking a woman to become a man (ok, that's possible lol).. but....you get my point? Asking or hoping for them to SEE you for all your worth...is NOT POSSIBLE. THEY CAN"T because THEY ARE NOT EQUIPPED.....and that has NOTHING to do with you.
Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

staying strong then why does he see her worth

why is it that he sees such worth in the ow. why, if they dont have that ability........

Jaycee

Apr 19 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Steph
Steph's picture

jaycee

Do you really know that he "sees her worth"? What make you think that? i'm gonna guess that he DOES NOT REALLY see her worth.....what is it that makes you think he does?
Apr 19 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

You are just hurting and

You are just hurting and feeling rejected and everything he wants you to feel. He is actually playing a game to make you want him, when you really dont. Short story, this couple at work got a divorce (she's sorta borderlineish) Well, he tried to talk to her and rekindle things. She was mean and trash talked him, said he was stalking her and tried to turn all his friends against him. He just didnt get it. Another coworker told him if he turned and ran she would chase him. Guess what, within a week she was having a cow and chasing him like a dog in heat. Everyone I work with was laughing. She swarmed him like bees to honey. It was ridiculous. All the while she was saying he wouldnt leave her alone. Someone pointed out that it look the other way around to them and she was pist. These disordered people are such a mixed bag of shit. Its a game to them. I have got my narcs little messages through kids and facebook, but I am not gonna play games. I wish I had the guts to play with him, rock his world with some good sex, lavish him with attention and then give him the silent treatment for life. Give him a dose of his own medicine. They are not normal. THe OW means nothing to him. If anything its just something to torment you with. He is sick.
Apr 26 - 5AM (Reply to #7)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

redhead1

you sound just like my daughter she insists he is with the ow, simply because i dont want him to be, simply because he knows how bad it hurts me, she says there is no rhyme or reason, its just him. she believes if i let him loose and go nc, he would freak and no longer want the ow or the others, he would concentrate on trying to win me over. i dont know if i believe that, i think he finds worth in the ow because she can give him oodles of money and buy him and take him to dinner everynight. plus, like i have said, they have so much in common, so much......how sad for me, i never had anything in common with him, yet he has never let me breathe, he has never let me move on, he continues to pretend he loves me and wants me, just to make sure i wont move on. its all sick and twisted but i am devastated by his feelings for the ow........moreso, because i know he will never give her up, i know he wants her desperately, no matter what he says to keep me hanging on.........hope is cruel and he is even more cruel....i dont believe he will ever leave her, nor will she ever leave him, shes desperate to have him marry her and have kids with her. im sick knowing they are prancing all over town like the happy couple, too bad she doesnt know hes here everyday trying to screw me, and telling me he doesnt love her, hes a coward he cant say she is who he loves and wants.............hes vicious........

Jaycee

Apr 19 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

And when the OW figures him

And when the OW figures him out and calls him out, he will hunt yet another woman to torment her with. What better way to hurt a woman than with another woman.