I awoke with such an overwhelming saddness, please please talk to me

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#1 Apr 18 - 6AM

jaycee

I awoke with such an overwhelming saddness, please please talk to me

I awoke from a horrible night of tossing and turning, up every hour on the hour, to the most overwhelming saddness, it is blanketing my entire being. I'm so sad, I guess because I have to come to the realization, that my hN will never stop playing games, that there is a 99% chance every word out of his mouth is a lie. We all know, they dont know how to tell the truth. I'm sad he chose her over me, I'm sad he continues to tell our daughter he doesnt love her, she fucking annoys the crap out of him (lie, he wouldnt be there four nights a week if that were true.) and that he can't wait to get his own place, trust me, he could never afford it, trust me on that. I know, even though hes there four out of seven days, hes still living there, still answering to her, and still having to rush our daughter when she calls telling him to get back there, shes already started not wanting him to spend time with our daughter, but wants him to spend every second with her. He told our daughter, im sure a lie, that he is sick of her wanted some serious relationship, hes sick of her wanting to cuddle, hold hands, and be all over him every second, and that she wont let him go anywhere without him the days he is there, he cant even go to the gym alone once a week she wants to be by his side, share the machines, an workout by his side. I know this is what sent him over the edge last time they lived together, but this time is different, I know it will bother him, but he will stay with her, as now, she pulled out the big guns, letting him go away every weekend, and one night during the week. He also told our daughter, another lie, im sure, that pretty soon she wont put up with it and he will have no place to live, yeah right, he'll just give into her, move in lock stock and barrel, and stay forever. I just know it, how exciting for him to know, when he retires in Nov, at such an early age, he doesnt have to look for another job, she will support him, and he will love the new condo, and all the stuff she will continue to buy him, condo hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will. Im sad, he would rather be with her than with his family, coming and going as he pleases, but being here for his daughter while she is ill. im just so sad, feel so rejected, why does he want this girl, even after she call the cops, he went to court and got in trouble at work. its all too strange........he must love her, and that means it was me, he just didnt love me..............please talk to me...........

#2 Apr 19 - 6PM

Tinker

jaycee

if you can't be good to yourself right now, be good for your daughter. she needs you so much esp since he's so awful. what you do with her now will make all the difference in her future. tell us about her...? you want to get him back? live good, love yourself, have the love and adoration of your daughter. strive to be happy, N's hate that because they can't. he'll have his miserable life with his g'friend and one day he'll see you strong and happy. my daughters kept me on the straight and narrow with my exHN for so many years, i wanted to be a good strong role model and they're good now. be sad, feel it. then tell a different story about yourself. that was you up until now, from now on, what's the new story of you?? big BIG hugs!!!marissa

#3 Apr 20 - 5AM (Reply to #44)

jaycee

thanks marissa

what you said was beautiful, but right now hes the happy one getting everything he ever wanted and im stuck sad and sick, yet, my children love and adore me, they cant stand how i accept his crumbs, but our daughter, pleads for crumbs from him as well, she says she just wants him to love her and be there for her always......but she knows hes a mean selfish pig who has destroyed our family.. please pray someday i will be happy again....xoxo

Jaycee

#4 Apr 18 - 9AM

Finally Faced It

alone.

Jaycee - I feel your pain, as I had a similar night. Tossing and turning and thinking and wondering. Why? Why? I just want to understand. And I feel so alone. Like all alone in a crowded room, trying to put on a brave face like all is fine. Sorry, I don't have any words of hope or inspiration this morning. Please read my post from a few minutes ago...I need help too! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/18/i-am-so-much-pain-please-help

#5 Apr 18 - 9AM

kgirl

I'm sorry you are feeling so

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful :( You know he doesn't LOVE her....he doesn't love anyone...he's incapable. He only needs people for supply. And you know how this story will go....she WILL be feeling exactly like you do at some point. There are NO happy endings with these vampires. Sending you big comforting hugs ~KG

#6 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #41)

jaycee

kg

kg thanks so much for what you said, i hope that is the truth, as i am so sad tody, it makes me imagine their happiness and how much she does for him and how he enjoys what she can do for him.............

Jaycee

#7 Apr 18 - 8AM

neverlookback

Quit

thinking he is off loving someone else, HE IS NOT TRUST ME. His behavior is VILE, he is a sick, man that shows now remorse for hurt and destruction he has caused, and you question this man can actually FEEL WHAT LOVE IS? IMPOSSIBLE!! He doesnt know what love is if it bit him in the penis. You are so hard on yourself quit taking the whip from him and beating yourself with it, he is a bastard for what he has done and that Jaycee is not a man that can FEEL love for another person x0x0x

#8 Apr 18 - 8AM

neverlookback

HE

does not LOVE her, he NEEDS her big difference. Need = love to them. Jaycee of course he never loved you, BECAUSE HE CANT LOVE do you think his actions are of someone that shows love for another person? When you love someone do you cheat on them for 20 some years? If he loved her would he want to have sex with you? HEALTHY love does not function that way Jaycee. When you love in a healthy way you do not want to have sex with others, sex addicts can give all the excuses they want they can come home and say, but it was just sex, BULLSHIT, the bottom line is YOU ARE SICK and I am not going to love a person that suffers from this.

#9 Apr 18 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

jaycee

neverlookback

what do you mean he needs her? please explain

Jaycee

#10 Apr 18 - 8AM (Reply to #22)

neverlookback

need

what is the ONE thing that these men seek? Validation, supply, that is what he is needing Jaycee, this is NOT about love.

#11 Apr 18 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

jaycee

validation and possibly money

sometimes i think its about the money, he enjoys all she can do for him monitarily, but her validation, why hers? he gets enough validation from the ones hes screws occasionally, maybe because she strokes his ego so desperately? but there has to be some type of attachment? or is that impossible?

Jaycee

#12 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #35)

ShaynasMommy

Jaycee ----Why hers?

Because she is the only one who thinks that he is worth the time and effort right now. The OW's he is screwing seem to figure him out pretty quick.....or maybe they just want him for a f*** buddy and nothing more. But since this silly cow thats chasing him makes him feel like a million bucks (and apparently he doesn't have to try to impress her anymore since she is crazy brainwashed over him)----of course he is going to go back to her. Its the only way he can survive, monitarily and feed his massive ego. You realized what a bastard and a fraud he is already, and there is no going back.....AND HE KNOWS IT!!!! The only attachment(s) I see here is 1.you for what you believed he was and should have been for his family, for so many, many years, and 2. Her attachment to this percieved notion of control over him.....when the only thing that really controls him right now is her money. Believe me, if there was a better offer laid on the table for him, he would take it and dump her ass in a heartbeat. There is no loyalty with a narc. EVER.

#13 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #36)

jaycee

shaynasmommy

you are probably right, but at his age and his arrogance, its highly doubtful anyone else will lay out anymore on the table, so he will end up staying with her, she supplies him money, super ego boosting, and hes really into her obviously.........i wish someone else would make an offer he couldnt refuse, i bet you would see him dump her fat ass in a second........but thanks, too bad i dont have anything to offer him anymore, and never had money to begin with.............im the one he was never loyal to and never ever respected, im shit to him, and shes his golden ticket and is really attached to her right now, i pray it doesnt last....

Jaycee

#14 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #37)

ShaynasMommy

Its not, Jaycee

"too bad i dont have anything to offer him anymore" NO---its not too bacd. Its good. Because maybe now he will detach his fangs from your neck, if you give him a proper shove, and STOP sucking you dry. The choice is yours alone. Seriously.

#15 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #38)

jaycee

he will never detach his fangs

the only way to detach his fangs from my neck is for me to run to another country and never look back. or if he dies some horrific death, i could only be so lucky.......lol..how cruel is he to continue to call me mama and tell me he loves me everyday, how sick to make me think he may possibly be telling the truth and then runs to her and sleeps in her bed, then throws me crumbs to make me think i might just mean something to him. hes so cruel and mean and loves to see me suffer so horrifically, i hope someday i can hate him for this, truly hate him for this.......

Jaycee

#16 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #24)

neverlookback

i hate

this man for what he has done to you, he is an ANIMAL. he is just as bad as mine was, mine was a Mind F'r. Attachment? mmm ya he is using the hell out of her for one$$$$$$$$$$$$ They dont attach to ANYBODY Jaycee, they just USE women, for what they need, Now he has a nice set up he has $$$$$ and can still screw who he wants, and trust me he is screwing around on her too. You think he is faithful to her, ha ha ha they arent faithful to their DOGS. ha ha This man has done a number on your self esteem he has made you think so less of yourself and that REALLY sends me to a place of anger. He is GARBAGE Jaycee, TRASH - dump this piece of shit to the curb, take him down for the DIRT he is. IT NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, its HIM, he is disturbed and sick honey. x0x0x0

#17 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #25)

jaycee

thanks neverlookback

thank you, i thought maybe he was totally attached to her, as he couldnt give her up. the whole time they were apart after the police and court thing, after he hit her, they were in constant contact so i assumed he couldnt live without her and was possibly in love, well his type of in love, where he cant live without someone, yes, he does see other women occasionally but not on a steady basis. but i believe he will never d and d this one again, as he couldnt give her up the first time.........

Jaycee

#18 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #31)

neverlookback

THEY

always D&D Jaycee, ALWAYS. This ONE woman will NOT sustain his sick needs. They can be with you and still discard you because they are into someone else. This woman is NOT special to him in the way you think, take LOVE out of your vocabulary, its NOT LOVE.

#19 Apr 18 - 10AM (Reply to #32)

jaycee

thanks sweetie

thanks for what you said, i just dont want anyone to be the one and more special than i could ever be

Jaycee

#20 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #33)

ShaynasMommy

re-read your post here

and realize there is no such thing as "she is more special" or "she is less, etc." That is deception on a stick, darling. Nobody is special. Every woman serves the same purpose. Supply for survival, and then she gets dumped, one way or the other. If you think about it, this OW he lives with has already been D&D'd. The VERY short honeymoon period that typically happens between Narcs and their victims is already long over, Jaycee....or else he wouldnt be cheating on her and stabbing her in the back. Think back to when you first met this piece of scum and he was courting you, Jaycee. Can you honestly say, reflecting back now, that your honeymoon period lasted much longer than theirs did? I don't know your history back then, but I will be willing to bet money that the minute he had full confidence that you were putty in his hands that he was cheating or at last planning to cheat. Maybe even before you got married. Honey, you have to wake up and accept the reality. The disbelief over the fact that your life with him was just a sham on his end has been killing you for a looooong time now. If you don't bring yourself out of it with some professional help....or SOMETHING, then you may be stuck in this mode for the rest of your days. And you know what? Its not worth it. HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

#21 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

jaycee

he kept the mask on for years

i know now he was never faithful, but he kept his mask on for years with me, years, i always sensed something, but he was never blatantly cruel to me for years, as for her, the skank he was having an affair with for two years before i threw him out, yes, the ow hes with again now, had a very short honeymoon period with her once they lived together, but their nightmare didnt last long either, they obviously couldnt live without each other, so hes back, back to living with her, and get this, he even waits for her to finish working out and walks her out of the gym every morning, hes really trying to make it work with her right now, too bad, she has no idea he still here everyday trying to sleep with me just to make sure i will never move on. but he does want her right now, he runs for her, the minute she beckons him..........so who knows if he put his mask away for the next ten years for her.....all i know is how devastated i am, im sick, dying inside that he went back with her......dying inside. maybe he will d and d her again and they will be able to live without each other.............

Jaycee

#22 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #26)

terri

Jaycee

read again what you just wrote: "after he hit her" "yes, he does see other women" "not on a steady basis" Sometimes the answer is right in front of us - so close that we can't see it. Or don't want to see it because seeing it and accepting it means change - which is so damn hard to do. Ask yourself...do you REALLY want to be with someone who is capable of hitting a woman? Do you REALLY want to be with someone who sees other women while in a relationship with a woman who believe it to be a committed relationship? I've been thinking about this alot lately - the worst part of being with the narc man is that we are completely brainwashed into thinking they are the "be-all and the end-all" in our lives. They're not! I really do understand your pain and sadness but please don't waste anymore of your precious time thinking about what he's doing. Focus on what YOU need to do to be happy again.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#23 Apr 19 - 5PM (Reply to #30)

ShaynasMommy

YES

yes, yes, yes, and a big AMEN to that. It was really upsetting for me because my exN was my "first" everything practically. He got me when I was young and dumb. But, eventually I learned that this is all an illusion. There is life after abuse, after the narc. Even if you didn't meet anyone else for the rest of your life (statistically improbably by the way)Life would still have meaning and be much much better without him in it.

#24 Apr 18 - 9AM (Reply to #27)

jaycee

terri its there, but i still doubt it wasnt me

i know its right in front of my eyes, but even if he doesnt love her and is using her, i have this sick feeling he is going to stay with her forever, she can offer him so much more than i can in terms of finanace and that they have way more in common........i just want him to move on from her, as to know for sure, it wasnt me..........

Jaycee

#25 Apr 18 - 10AM (Reply to #28)

terri

Jaycee

I totally get it! I have been in your same shoes for many months now. Mine hasn't found a steady OW yet, but it's only a matter of time. I know for sure that the sadness I am feeling now is not about missing him - the man. It's all about missing the life that I thought I was building with him. I left the security of a marriage to pursue a relationship with the N and even though the relationship with my then-husband had died, I still had the family and financial security. After 9 years of stops and starts, un-filled promises of a life together, and lies and deceipt, I'm finally coming to terms with the reality of the farce that was my life for nearly a decade. I guess my message to you is that we are only prolonging the pain and suffering by thinking about what they are doing now and who they are with. Do you think they spend even a minute of their life thinking about us? ABSOLUTELY NOT! They only think about how to make their lives better. And that's exactly what we should be doing to. Every hour you spend thinking and wondering about him is an hour that you've lost. And believe me, I know how unbelievably hard it is to NOT think about him. But, YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON who can create a new happier life for yourself. And you start to do that by committing to stop thinking about what used to be - start thinking about how you want things to be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Anyway, please don't give him anymore of yourself - he's out there making a mess of his life and all of these other women's lives as well. Feel blessed that he's finally out of your.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#26 Apr 18 - 12PM (Reply to #29)

jaycee

terri

terri, you dont know how blessed you are that he doesnt have an ow yet, imagine the pain of knowing he chose her over you, that makes everything so much worse, if he were on his own and searching, at least it would be after the fact, mine had an affair (several) with this one in particular for over two years before i threw him out, and he lived with her for six months, then moved out, then went back, and still plays head games with me, he feeds off my horrific pain, and he allowed her to torture me throughout their entire affair, just horrible, but i bet he wouldnt let me torture her, hed kill me first......i know if he were on his own, i wouldnt be a sick as i am....it the rejection and the choosing her over me, whether or not he still screws other women behind her back, he still wants her 70 percent of the time......the rest he likes his freedom, but she wont allow that for much longer, within a short time he will be back there a hundred percent.........im so sick

Jaycee

#27 Apr 18 - 6AM

skystar

Oh honey, he doesn't love the

Oh honey, he doesn't love the way we do. He loves what we can do for him. Its not about you. Its not about her and its not about your daughter. Its the same story over and over and over again. The saddness will pass. I hope the anger doesn't. I have to remember all the downright evil and stay mad, to continue NC.

#28 Apr 18 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

jaycee

skystar

oh thank you for talking to me, please tell me he doesnt love her and he will d and d her again, like he did months ago........please tell me she isnt the one and that he will lie to her the way he lies to me, and he will stop putting her before our daughter. and mostly this saddness will end, im so low and down...........

Jaycee

#29 Apr 18 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

loveyourselffirst

Not Love

You said it yourself she is pulling out the big guns. He 'loves' everything that he is getting from her. She is bending so far backwards for him that she is liable to snap. How pitiful is that. She must realize on some level that he would not be with her if she didn't provide all that he wants. Mornings are hard for me too. It will get better as the day goes on.

#30 Apr 18 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

jaycee

loveyourself

loveyourself, I dont believe for one minute she thinks that he wouldnt be with her, I know she gloats around town, so proud she saved him from his horrible life with me, etc......I doubt she will snap, I believe she feels so victorious, and loves to dote on him and give him everything she can........I do wonder sometimes, if she ever thinks what he did with her, he will do to her, or is she as confident as she acts...........please talk to me..please.......

Jaycee

#31 Apr 18 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

loveyourselffirst

Deep down she must have doubts.

We don't know what people are feeling or thinking. If she is reasonably intelligent, she has wondered if he will cheat on her. My NH gf said to him "you better never cheat on me - or else" and he said "I would never cheat on you because you are everything I want in a woman, I only cheated on my wife because I needed more and better sex". That tells me that doubt is already in her mind - It doesn't matter what she chooses to believe at the moment - it is in her sub-conscious already. Her journey has just started. Do you think that she truly trusts him 100%

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