Slight tiff this morning, with my friend who knows ex N

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#1 Apr 13 - 7AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Slight tiff this morning, with my friend who knows ex N

This happened with the friend who knows him. She's on his FB friends list. Anywho. She texted me this morning, to see how I'm doing. I said Doing well.

Going to paraphrase from the texts...

Friend: You're not going to reach out to him, right Dee?

Me: No...I understand why he kept the pics up, but it's still weird to me.

Friend: You're dealing with a sick person, Dee. The ONLY reason he kept those pics up? Is to see if you looked at his profile. He's hoping you'll text him today, demanding to have them removed.

Me: I guess. I know you're right.

Friend: Dee? You better start seeing this man for what he is...a psychopath. Stop feeling weepy over him. He doesn't care about you. He told you he loved you after what, 3 weeks? You really feel special knowing you could have been wife 5? Wow...yes, he only loved you, Dee.

Me: I didn't say that. I don't like where this is going. You act like I'm clueless.

Friend: I'm sorry, Dee. But, here is what you need to think of, when thinking of this man. He was certainly hurt by this breakup. But, they don't process hurt like you and me. He processes things in terms of control vs losing control. All he sees right now, is losing control. Losing YOU, meant losing control. Does that make sense?

Me: Yeah, that does.

Friend: Everything he does from here on out that remotely involves you...will be about regaining control. Believe me, he is watching your every move on that site. Be careful what you say.

Me: So, he didn't keep the pics up because he wanted to?

Friend: He'd rather cut off his arm, than give you the satisfaction that he is pining over you. Believe me, Dee. He is hoping you contact him today, asking why those pics are still up. He wins in two ways here, he will know you're looking at his profile, and he will have you contacting him again.

Me: He told me he wants nothing to do with me, tho. He told me that yesterday in a text.

Friend: Said to bait you into saying...really? You don't ever want to speak to me again? Start thinking like this man.

Me: I didn't reply to him when he said that, tho.

Friend: Very good! Silence will be your only friend here with him, Dee. Unless he runs out over the next month and falls in love with someone else, you are going to be dealing with this guy one way or the other. Be ready for it! Be alert! Stop being weepy.

Me: I'm not weepy! I have to go. Ttyl...

Friend: Now, you're mad at me.

Me: I'm not mad. You act like you have a Ph.D. in psychopathery.

Friend: LOL--Psychopathery? Is that a word?

Me: LOL I made it up. :P

Friend: I love you, Dee. I just want you to be on guard...because this guy is not done with you. I'm certain of it. Don't be scared. But, keep reading about this sickness, and be ready if he comes your way again. Okay?

Me: Okay. Thank you...I know you mean well.

Then, we just stopped texting. I just wanted to share this with you all. I have been strong this morning. But, it bothers me that he didn't take those pics down. Bothers me that I still am a little weepy.

I will stay NC. No worries, everyone.

~God, please help me to stay strong, and to be strong for You, and in You.~

Thanks for reading, all. I know she's right.

Suddenly, I am crying here. She also told me about a wonderful guy who is pursuing her. He's normal...christian...taking it slow. Why do I seem to attract abnormal, unhealthy, narcs who just hurt me? (I know why, just sayin) This sucks. I'm happy for my friend, I am...but, sad that I am afraid of never finding normal love. :=(

Apr 13 - 11AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

THANK YOU!

Whew...what a crying moment that was. Dayum! lol Okay...I feel better. If I'm honest with myself. This overwhelming sadness is coming from a past place of pain. I was helpless as a kid. When we break up with someone...or he/she breaks it off with us...or we were abused in some way...we feel helpless. I was helpless as a kid, but I am no longer helpless. It brought a small grin to my face knowing that I ended the abusive cycle. I ended the abusive cycle. Wow. That's kinda cool, no? lol I said that out loud just now. I ENDED THE ABUSIVE CYCLE. OMG....I'm going to cry again. But, different tears now. :) KG--You said something that is so true. When you have dreams and high hopes...and you realize it's all an illusion. That's part of where my sadness is coming in. So thanks for pointing that out. Regarding my friend, everyone. There was a time when I thought she liked this man. I joked with him about it, when we were together. He said, ''she's not pretty enough.'' What a horrible response, but typical for him. Anyways...she would tell me that she liked him at first, but she would never put up with his antics. (he would talk about women in disparaging ways.) We all met through mutual friends last year. That started our friendships. She never talked to him on the phone, they really just have FB interaction, and she says it's minimal. He told me the same. I don't disbelieve them. I can't explain it, but I trust her as that goes. But, I do think I may need to put her at arm's length going forward. As I associate her with him. Not that she runs to tell him things...not at all. She doesn't speak with him. And he was jealous of her and me...so. But, she is distant to me since our texting today. I just think I need to stop talking to some of the people who know him...heal...give myself some distance...and rethink some friendships. She really has been a good good friend to me throughout this. ''Dee...call me any time of day or night, I will there for you.'' I believe her. She has been nicer to me, than he was. That is the sad truth. So, I posted on that website today. I did not look at his stupid profile. If he wants to keep those pics of me up...that's fine. I'm a hottie, afterall...maybe he just needs to see my beautiful face everyday. hahaaha! Oh, I'm funny. Well, he does find me beautiful. That's about the only thing he said positive about me throughout. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and talking me off the ledge this morning! I'm not kidding. I almost needed to leave work. But, I cried...and maybe whenever I need to grieve this, I will. I'm not grieving him. I'm grieving what this all symbolized for me. I think that's it. Pain from my childhood I never dealt with. I can see why I buried it and have clung to narcs in hopes they could validate me, and wash away all that pain. It is quite painful. But...I'm smiling now.
Apr 13 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

This sounds like a very sucessful DAY 2 NC...and you are making such significant progress in your thought patterns and making the connections... This is the imporant part of the journey. The realizations we have once we become aware we can change the patterns and rewrite the script. AND yes, when I had certain realizations, the tears came from a different place too... There may very well be all kinds of tears in this process but they too rid us of all the toxins...bioligically they release the stress that builds up in our bodies. Did you ever see the movie Broadcast News? It's an old film with Holly Hunter - and in that film, she was a news producer under a ton of stress and almost every morning, she'd just wake up and burst into tears...in this process, I appreciated her commitment to tears so much more. and yes, YOU HAVE COMMITTED TO ENDING THE ABUSE CYCLE. The buck stops here, and from here, we can only go up...even though for a time, it might seem more like a circle...we will get out of the loop and ascend. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

D

Be glad you have a friend like this! I think you should reach out to her. She had your back! Be strong and stay NC! Idealk
Apr 13 - 9AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

good morning D! It's sounds

good morning D! It's sounds to me like some tough love from a good friend :) I'm sorry you're feeling a little down this morning. Try not to worry about those pictures or put some meaning into them...it's all just mind games. I have to tell myself the same thing every day! It's time to focus on you. Time to heal and grow....then you will attract the kind of energy you seek :) NC..NC..NC..NC...hugs! ~KG
Apr 13 - 8AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

diedre

Your friend told you everything I would have said. Except ending with the wonderful guy she met - but she is a REAL friend D...SHE is trying to get you to see. Dee, I'd say the same thing... I think for some...the attracting of "bad news men" has to do with a couple of factors...different reasons. I do believe that going through the process, you might begin to learn more about yourself and figure out why you keep attracting the bad guys. It's okay to be caring, epathetic, compassionante and all those good things, but we must use discernment and wisdom when we dole it out...we don't have to take in strays, nor cast our pearls amongst swine...but use wisdom and learn to listen. I hope you feel a little less weepy. I know this is very hard...if you can, stick close to the board today, there is always someone online. I have to take care of some things but I will be on later....but you stay strong and try your best not to peek and do not respond...think about how childish "tit for tat" "TAKE MY PICS DOWN...TAKE MY PICS DOWN TOO" back and forth back and forth...he can have teh last word, the last point...DON'T CARE...not power struggles and battles...grace dignity, respect and SILENCE you are taking back the control and not because of him but because this is ALLLLL about YOU now~ DO NOT TOLERATE, ACCEPT OR RATIONALIZE ABUSE This man abused you. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 9AM (Reply to #22)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I am so down today...I can't

I am so down today...I can't stop crying. I could be pms-ing...yeah, that could be it. Partially it, and the stress of this whole thing. I am so fucking pissed that he thinks by him sending that text to me yesterday...I took his pics down from my profile, because HE demanded me to. No, I took them down on my own free will!!!! I know I shouldn't care what he flipping thinks...and on some things, I don't. But, he does not control me. He does not STILL control me! Gosh, I'm so upset today. Can't stop crying. If I had to make an instant guess right now as to why I'm so upset. I think because it's dawning on me that he never loved me, used me, and just wanted to control a woman. I was willing. That I'm easy to move on from now, since I don't obey as he wishes. And that's fine...I ended things. I don't want to be with this man. But, it's like I just realized what the relationship REALLY was about. And I feel literally sick. I would never have slept with this man, knowing this, I feel duped. And so angry, and distrought. I just want to go to bed. I can't believe I'm such a mess today. :=( ty for listening.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

It's awful when you're dreams

It's awful when you're dreams go up in smoke and your left knowing it was all an illusion. Such a painful realization....I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. Let it out...cry as much as you need. Hang in there D....sending you big warm hugs :) ~KG
Apr 13 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

Under the circumstances, you are doing so well. I could not articulate HALF of what you said when I was in the stage you're in. I am so down today...I can't stop crying. I could be pms-ing...yeah, that could be it. Partially it, and the stress of this whole thing. It sounds like a combination of all three. You said: I am so fucking pissed that he thinks by him sending that text to me yesterday...I took his pics down from my profile, because HE demanded me to. No, I took them down on my own free will!!!! I know I shouldn't care what he flipping thinks...and on some things, I don't. But, he does not control me. He does not STILL control me! And you know what - YOU KNOW why you took your pics down and part of what I had to learn was not to care so much about other's perceptions as long as I knew the truth. IN a way, caring about what they think in a sense could also be an element of control because for some reason even if we don't "act" on making our point or clarifying, we still feel drawn to set the record straight. It is a giant leap when we can release and say: Okay, whatever, think what you want to think - I know the truth. I found that I got caught up a lot in that too. OR wanting to always prove to someone why I say something or believe something - it's not okay to just be confident in what I say and believe one will accept it I have to also give the "proof" to back up my claim. I think for me this has to do with being discounted a lot in my past...and if this is something you can relate to...this is a good time to start working on that...it's a perfect scenario to practice "release" and just accepting whatever is your truth at any particular moment and knowing that even if you're wrong it's okay which in a way thoughts of doubting the self is tied to fear and insecurity which are other things we need to work on. BUT rome wasn't built in a day, just throwing some things out there in case you can relate. Of course, you would know better why this bothers you so much...but we are all human and have these little things about us that sometimes get us caught up. You said you took them down, I believe you...and everyone else here believes you I'm sure, so he's outnumbered in his thinking...if that is what he's thinking. ANd yes, it is about control and on some level you are really livid that he has the gall to be so damn arrogant and it's hitting you now just what and who he is. AND for me, when that moment hit - I lost it and was out of control with anger and sadness at the same time. What you are going through is all very normal... Gosh, I'm so upset today. Can't stop crying. Crying is good... http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/02/19/dont-be-afraid-cry If I had to make an instant guess right now as to why I'm so upset. I think because it's dawning on me that he never loved me, used me, and just wanted to control a woman. I was willing. That I'm easy to move on from now, since I don't obey as he wishes. And that's fine...I ended things. I don't want to be with this man. But, it's like I just realized what the relationship REALLY was about. And I feel literally sick. AND that too is a normal reaction and you will ride the wave and lean on everyone here to hold you up...and you have a really good friend it seems as well...you are not alone in this...be good, gentle and tender with yourself right now...and feel whatever you need to feel. I would never have slept with this man, knowing this, I feel duped. And so angry, and distrought. I just want to go to bed. I can't believe I'm such a mess today. :=( I'm so sorry Diedre, but you plaster this board as much as you have to. This is all part of getting it out. BIG WARM HUGS MY DEAR...you are going to come out on top! You are a great lady with a wonderful sense of humor who when not going through issues NARC are a splash of color and comedy - bright and bubbly and Diedra the GREAT will be back soon she's just going through a rough patch... Hugs!
Apr 13 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

diedree40

i do'nt like her, she sounds like she is talking from a script, she sounds like narcs minion, she sounds like a bitchy non friend, i would get rid of her, i am so glad she found time to tell you she had met a great guyNOT!!!!, she left you crying, what more can i sayx
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

used

She is a very strong woman. But, I think she means well. Narcs minion? I think the only hesitancy I have with continuing a friendship with her, is why would she remain 'friends' on his FB? To report crap to me? I don't want to know, which is why I don't have FB. She told me when he changed his relationship status to single. (when we broke up on Friday) I have to think maybe long and hard of who I should have in my life, and who I shouldn't. But, she is a very black and white type. She and I have discussed all the characteristics that he mirrors of a psychopath, so I do want to believe anyways, that she's trying to be helpful. Maybe not. I should have stayed home from work today. I was going to, and came in anyways. :=( And I think it's time for me to abandon that website he and I belong to. Maybe I need to start fresh.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is interesting about the friend

AND I didn't know this dynamic...is she more your friend or his friend? I found when I went through this I did have to shed some folks...I became aware of alot of other "unhealthy" people in my life and since I wanted to change things, I cleaned up shop. I did recently have a friend who was approached by the narc on FB w/a friend request. She approved it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her and told her how I felt, that this man abused me, that he was using her and using me and explained all the dynamics of the illness. AS I was speaking to her midway she interrupted and said: "it's done he's deleted" Again, sometimes people are not aware. You know the situation better...I don't encourage you to tiptoe at this time...you have every right to assert your needs, set boundaries and demand respect and loyalty. Quality over quantity. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
Used
Used's picture

deidre40

this is my feeling and mine only, she should be loyal to you and delete him, and you dont need to have fb, while you have friends like this do you?, you dont go on fb for a specific reason, she knows this but still gives you this info, maybe its me, maybe now my trust in everyone has gone, i see things that i didnt see before, and i dropped narc woman freind, as she kept doing this to me, but this is my take now on life and people, even to say oh i have made you mad now, reeks of knowing what she was doing.
Apr 13 - 7AM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

She is thinking of getting

She is thinking of getting off of his FB list. She said, she doesn't ever talk with him. When she got FB, she added him, they are really just acquaintances. But, from how he treated me, and she and I are close...she thinks she should delete herself. I have a feeling he will delete her. He was jealous of our friendship, and told me last week he was going to "delete her ass." I'm glad I don't use FB. Just another source of stress.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

SHE IS THINKING???

HUH? No dear that changes the WHOLE scenario...I don't like to hear "thinking" no a friend is loyal through and through no questions asked. A friend says: You hurt my friend, I hunt you down and beat you with a stick. A loyal friend feels your pain right along with you and holds your hand in the dark moments... DELETE!
Apr 13 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

I couldn't agree more too

a "friend" of mine actually moved in with the Ex-Narc and his GF (at that time) full well knowing all the shit he did to me. I dropped her fast. She gave me all kinds of excuses as to why she did it.....because she was having problems with her current roomate and just had to leave but had no place else to go. I don't know about you, but if she had been me, and I considered myself a true friend, then I would have rather put my crap in storage and moved into a homeless shelter rather than put myself into the lion's den and be disloyal to my friend. But, she got a taste of her own medicine. She and the Narc fought.....ALOT.....and the GF who was supposed to be J's friend as well would never defend her. She was too much of a cowardly mouse, or brainwashed by him....whatever. So her "friend" f****cked her over too. The morale? You DO find out quickly who is loyal and who is not. So be very watchful...and proceed with caution. To me, the very fact that this friend of yours is even talking to your Ex N is a little fishy. You don't need wishy-washy people in your life. Don't you think the N did enough damage without all that other BS on top? I guess for someone who is supposed to be so astute in figuring out the N like she claimed she did.....its quite amusing that maybe its not occured to her that he is using her too.....to get to you by proxy!!!!!
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

I couldn't agree more

I couldn't agree more Michele...She shouldn't be thinking, she should be picking out a stick!
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sounds like your friend

Sounds like your friend really knows about this disorder and what she's talking about. Not many do. And here's my opinion on the FB thing based on my experience with my exN. If yours wanted to delete your friend, he would have already. He's keeping her on there as an audience to get to you. My exN deleted me, but kept my friend who was also a mutual friend of ours on FB on his list. She and I had been interacting in "code" regarding him on her page one day, and because she started the thread, he could see it in his newsfeed. He was never mentioned but he knew we were referring to him and that pissed him off. He said he was going to eventually delete her but was keeping her on for now so she could see the progression of his relationship. And that he was even playing it up a little bit with the status updates on the new GF. He actually told me this. My friend was also planning on deleting him, but wanted to say things just to piss him off too. When I told her what he'd said, she deleted and blocked him immediately so she would no longer be his audience. Well that pissed him off even more, so he opened up his page to Friends of Friends which he has NEVER done before (we have many mutual classmate friends and none of them know about us or what kind of guy he really is). He's always been very private about his FB page. Then he made sure to let me know he'd done this, knowing I wouldn't be able to resist looking. Just another way to rub it in my face and hurt me. Well, I eventually blocked him, which was over 4 weeks ago now. Anyway, he's using your friend to get to you. She should delete and block him, as should you. Take back some power, don't let him have it all. My friend and I both knew he would eventually do it to us, and we wanted to make sure we were in control of it instead of him. He's probably still pissed I haven't undone it.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I agree with smitten

BUT if your friend knows so much about this pathology, then I'd surmise she'd also be keen on the fact she's being used for "triangulation" "hoovering" purposes.... I don't like this...the fact that she's waivering on deleting him or having to "think about it" Hugs!
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

thank you for your note

thank you for your note smitten. I don't have FB active ...my page has been deactivated since last year. I actually deactivated it early last year...before I even met the narc from last year, and like a dope...activated it to spy on him. (a narc I dated briefly last summer) But, I have not activated it since. It is evil. It breeds nothing good. I do think you are right...he will keep my friend on his list, so she can report back to me. I already told her I'm not interested. But, I do see what you are saying. {{hugs}} and thank you @ used...you have me wondering. :=(
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

USED

When I first logged on I didn't see anything wrong with what the friend said and you did...I saw her giving Diedre advice and I did note the talking about new beau - but I viewed that as her just trying to give "hope" but you saw otherwise and now the story is unfolding... That was good! For me the story is unraveling as I read this but it wasn't here at first. What gave you the vibe? You called it right away! Good job girl...but now I'm wondering how you saw through it? What was your thought process? Hugs!
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

michelle

i didnt like the way when d said to her freind, i dont like where this is going, the freind just carried on talking totally dismissing d, that got my back up b/c when i asked nwfriend to stop talking about exn she too would ignore it and carry on talking about him, i watched a video with medea on hear saying if you ask someone to stop talking about someone or something,and they continue to do it ,they are trying to hurt you, i dropped nw immediatly b/c i then relized it was about her wanting to talk about him, my feelings didnt count d,s freind shouldnt even have him on her fb as he is [in d,s words an aquantance] not even a freind, i liken this behavior to people who watch car accidents and commenting, but are realy saying glad it aint me!!!!, everyone is entitled to their own opionion and mine is , this woman is her own freind NOT D,S.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Used

Well I thank you for caching that...I think we need to get MADEA up here this afternoon... Hugs! and EXCELLENT work my dear...;)
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

michelle

thanks, and i should add i am not the women who first came to this forum, i am diffrent, i am aware of naunces, subtexts,and all kinds of bs, yes i will get hurt again in my lifetime but i will nip it in the bud next time and not let toxic people or events into my life ever again, and if it means having to be alert at all times, so be it.
Apr 13 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

used

I concur and it's very much how we will have to live our lives, but I think it's quite healthy... I think for me, being a doormat was weaved into my upbringing and so I have to dismiss a lot of thinking. Taking care of ourselves, and setting boundaries and acknowledging our wants and needs and HAVING expectations is okay...it's how we take care of ourselves, and it's how we show we love and respect ourselves. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I HATE FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!! OMG,

I HATE FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!! OMG, IT'S EVIL. I cried so long and hard just now, everyone. I feel sick to my stomach over this whole thing. I'm feeling strong, but just very very down today. Like I've been hit by a bus or something. I really feel like escaping for a weekend...no phones, computers. Just a quiet spa weekend or something. Maybe that's what I need. I'm just so tense this morning. I shut my phone off. I'm tired of hearing from friends who ask if I'm ok...as if someone died. I am so mad at myself...and sad. I should have stayed home and in bed. :=((
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre...

I kinda compare the early stages now that I look back like withdrawl...I was really bad. I think you mentioned yesterday you had a relationship with a narc before I'm not sure if that one hit you so hard. This was I think my first narc attack - although sometimes I think my son's dad was a narc...I dunno about him though or maybe he doesn't hurt me so much cause I don't care about him that way anymore - but he's done some nice things too and he's been a good dad so I dunno ANYWAY...I went though this back in September. For a month I could not speak, could not function....my whole house and life went to shambles. Diedre, first this guy was long distance. You said you didn't love him or thought you didn't love him. I think you're right. I think this relationship represents something else in your life you are trying to come to terms with...this relatinship on some level was symbolic of something. I am not a therapist - and if this is really really hard hun, stick to the board, but also see if you can find a therapist to help explore the issues and why you might be attracting narcs like you say. Some of the things you've shared before I've noted, but I don't want to get too deep today. BUT you are doing the right thing, and you are going to figure all of this out at some point, and you will get healthy and I hope you commit to the recovery process, we don't need men to "fill us" we need to fill ourselves too and yes, there are legitimate voids within us that we need to do some work on to fill. THE GOOD NEWS: We can do this...we're not disordered like they are, and we can feel and love and one day feel really good and be happy. Like I said dear, I will be back a little later, stick to the board let it out, share and run into the bathroom and have a good cry if you have to. Hugs!
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know what you mean about

I know what you mean about Facebook. My friend and I, the one I was referring to earlier, also refer to it as Fuckbook, because it can totally fuck with you some days.
Apr 13 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
Used
Used's picture

deidre40

do this, go to a spa or do something nice for yourself, as for fb, well its not so much fb as the FREINDS YOU HAVE ON IT, myexnh and exn are on fb, with my exh we share family and 2friends, they dont mention him or his ow to me, and exn the same, we have one freind in common, and that friend never mentions him and i dont expect them to, when you leave work, get a dvd or something to take home and curl up with, friends are not supposed to tell you things that make you cry, she told you nothing you didnt already know about him, totally unwanted information, good luckxxx