SHARE YOUR STORY !!!

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April 28, 2011 - 2:26pm (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Rew72

Wahoooooo, see they brainwash you! Scrambled Eggs! You just described you, 2 beautiful kids, hobbies, girl get out there! Get your ass in gear! I'm not suggesting this will go away overnight but once you see evil face to face you heal! Yippie!! Hunter
April 27, 2011 - 1:28pm
dabussard
dabussard's picture

New and need to share my story

I meet my N back in November 2010. I have had a crush on him for the last 20 years. All these years he never knew I existed. The honeymoon phase was awesome. I felt alive inside and oh so happy. He was everything I had been looking for. See I had been living in a sexless marriage for 7 years and I was so lonely emotionally and physically. Living with my husband was like living with a roommate (Sad but True). My N was everything I wanted in a relationship, he was funny, compassioniate and we would talk for hours on end. I would see him everyday or almost everyday. He kept telling me that he wished we had meet 20 years earlier that we had lost so much time.. That he wanted me to teach his daughter to barrel race and he was looking forwards to going racing with me. The first 4 months were the moneymoon stage. Then, my husband found out. He left me. My N changed at that very moment. The first 4 days that my husband was gone, he was wonderful... But, then he went cold, gave me the silent treatment... After a week,My husband came back home.. Then my N hoovered me.. Made me feel wonderful again... Texted me daily saying how much he missed me... Yada...Yada... Then I decided I wanted my N, so I kicked my husband out of the house... Same thing hot for a few days then cold... no texts, no phone calls... Nothing... Husband came back home... Each time I was away from my N, he was all I could think about... I could not get him out of my head... Then the games started... A week after my husband came back the second time... My friends, my husband and I were in a club... My N shows up and wants me to leave with him... I mean really... He goes cold for a week without any contact and then shows up and wants me to leave with him... He said that if if left with him, it would prove to him and my husband that I wanted him (the N). Well, my husband would have beat him to a pulp, if I had left with him... I didn't want my N hurt... I left with my husband... Oh my N was pissed... Said horrible things to me... Then no contact for like two more weeks...Nothing... Then I again am out with my girlfriends and my husband at the club. Here comes my N with another girl. Oh they acted the part... They were all over each other... But, I whole time he was starring at me... A very creepy stare I must add...It tore me up to say the least. For three days after that, I could not eat, sleep or even think clearly. I was an emotional mess. Finally after three days of mental agony, I texted him and said "U still make me weak in the knees" He texted me back and we meet to just talk. He weaved me back into his web. He promised me that the other girl was just a friend... Mind you that is what he tells everyone that we are'just friends". I knew they had left together and slept together no matter what gibberish he fed me... He told me he was ready for a serious relationship with me.. I left my husband yet again that very night. Spent every night the next week with my N. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Then I started to see a pattern. It didn't feel like a relationship it felt like a convience for him. He was controlling my every move. I could not go up to his house until he texted me. If I texted him he would not respond. Finally, I just went up to his house. He acted weird... He would not talk to me. He told me I was controlling him... Accused me of being a drunk. I am a casual drinker. He is an alcoholic that drinks a case of beer a day. He accused me of cheating on him... All the things that he was doing to me... He turned it around and blamed me... I ended it the next day by saying I am done with your games.. My husband came back home yet again after two weeks this time. He came back initially because my truck needed brakes and we had some financial issues to work out. My N saw my husbands truck in the driveway. He went into a rage and vandelized my truck. He took a power tool thru the keyhole and took the whole steering column out of my truck. (I know he did it cause he bragged about it to his friends) Talk about feeling viliated and scared at this point. My N texted me a few days later and D&D me. I confronted him on the vandelizism to my truck and he denied it. He said that he was only interested in me to split my husband and I up. Havn't heard from him since (17 days. Needless to say all this drama has brought my husband and I closer than we ever have been. He is my rock and I am so thankful that he has stayed by my side thru all of this. But, I am very angry and I am afraid of what I may do to my N if I ever run into him in public. It is not going to be good. All the things running thru my head scares me... All of my friends tried to warn me in the very beginning.. They said that he is weird... I have learned that if someone won't make eye contact ever... Run, cause they are crazy... If they look at you, but don't really see you... they are crazy... My N is crazy... I pity the next girl that he gets hooked up with. I have had no contact with him for 17 days and nor do I ever want to have contact. But, I have weak days and moments. And I pray that he doesn't contact me on those days. Cause I am afraid I will not be strong enough to stay NC. My biggest question is: Once a N goes into a rage like my N did. Will he continue to try and contact me. Or will he give up and move on? He drives by my house everyday. My husband and I hide my truck at a friends house every night.. we are afraid he will do more vandelizism to it. I just want all this drama to be over one and for all.
April 27, 2011 - 1:42pm (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dabassard

Welcome, are we involved with the same guy!Yuck! Make a life with your husband & stay NC! Hunter
April 18, 2011 - 12:58pm
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten Kitten's Story (Long)

When I joined this site a few weeks ago, I was still in shock from the pain of being dumped by what I now know to be a textbook, Narcissist. As I mentioned in a previous post, we were former classmates who hadn't seen each other in 28 years who reconnected on Facebook and ended up having a long-distance relationship for a little over a year. Up until then, I had been faithfully married for over 20 years, but having a lot of problems in my marriage (internet porn, lack of physical affection, and basically a sexless marriage for the past few years), which left me open and vulnerable to the Narc's attention. I never thought in a million years that our initial online interaction would lead to anything, because for one, I'm married and always took my vows very seriously and wasn't looking for an outside relationship, and two, I live clear across the country, so logistically it would be fairly impossible. For several months we were just friends and didn't interact any differently than we did with other people on FB. Looking back though, and knowing what I know now, I see that was part of the strategy. He was just slowly getting to know me better and I didn't have my guard up, because it never occurred to me I needed to. At some point I realized he was flirting with me and I have to admit I enjoyed it. I wasn't as consciously aware of my role in it at the time, but in hindsight, I see that I was flirting back more than I initially believed I was. What's wrong with a little innocent flirting I told myself? Nothing can come of it (false security about my marital and geographic barriers). I have since learned the hard way, there is no such thing as "innocent" flirting. Any flirting is playing with fire. Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it the "innocent" flirting escalated into major flirting and talking on the phone, and what amounted to a cyber sexual & emotional affair. Within about 6 weeks of when the flirting really escalated, I found myself taking a trip to visit family and friends where he lives, which is where I'm from, and of course we met up and the affair became physical at that point. As is typical with these relationships I've learned, the beginning was a whirlwind, too-good-to-be-true romance. That should have been a red flag right there, but I was too busy being swept off my feet to notice. I had never in my life (I'm 46) been with someone so romantic, tender & affectionate who made me realize what I had been missing in my life: chemistry, passion, intimacy, love. Needless to say, within a short time he led me to believe he wanted a future with me, said and did everything "right" until I fell in love with him, then proceeded to start pulling away for no apparent reason (about 6 months into the relationship). The last 6 months was a constant roller coaster of mind games, baffling, hot and cold behavior, gaslighting, mixed messages, and lying as I later discovered. There were times it seemed as if he was purposely trying to drive me away so that I would be the one to call it quits and be the "bad guy" but then he wouldn't let go. Every time I reached my limit and was "done" he would come chasing after me again and pull me back in. I don't know how many times this happened but it got to the point I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In spite of all that, I kept trying to make the relationship work because I was so attached to him and anytime there was a threat of it ending, the pain was unbearable. I couldn't imagine my life without him at that point and didn't want to give up what we had (the passion, intimacy, over-the-top chemistry and amazing sex). I was seriously considering giving up my life and leaving my husband to move there and be with him. Plus I have friends and family there and want to move back anyway, but he was the real catalyst for speeding things up. I went out to see him a total of 4 times last year. The first two times were still during the Honeymoon period and are my fondest memories of us. That is the part I miss so much now. The amazing connection and bonding that took place, especially the second time. We continued to grow closer after I returned from that trip, but I remember the first time I felt him pulling away, which was about 6 weeks after that. It was subtle at first, one small thing at a time. After I noticed all these things starting to add up I questioned him and he denied it, saying I was too demanding and that what he was doing apparently wasn't good enough. Hmm...... the mask was slipping, and the mind games, projecting, gaslighting, and mixed messages were starting. Let the *covert* D & D begin. The third visit is when I experienced my first *overt* D & D. I planned an 11 day trip around his birthday and vacation time only for him to try and avoid seeing me while I was there and I was there specifically for him! On my first night I asked when we were getting together and he was vague and non-commital at best. Fortunately I was staying with my best friends and when they saw the games he was playing told me to ignore him and quit talking to him. Well, we all know what he did when I did that. Couldn't track me down fast enough - numerous phone calls, text messages, apologies, I love you, please don't go, etc. This went on all week. A ridiculous roller coaster of insecurity - seeing him one day and having amazing sex, but wondering if it would be the last time, him blowing me off the next day confirming my worst fears, me then ignoring him or calling it quits, and him chasing after me again. At one point he said, "What if we never talk again after you leave, are you going to be ok with that?" Of course I wasn't ok with that, but he said he couldn't continue like this - the sneaking around, the long distance, there was no future in it, and he was now feeling guilty about my husband. Yeah right. He doesn't do guilt - he even said that to me once. And he also knew all these things about me when he set his sights on me and pursued me to begin with. So this was hanging over my head all week, but I wanted to make the most of the time I had with him. On my second to last night there he broke it off with me and said we would never talk again. He sat there cooly detached and watched me sob hysterically, balling my eyes out for I don't know how long and I told him this was his idea, not mine, and not what I wanted. The following morning my friend asked me what the outcome was and I told her, "We're not going to talk anymore. It's over." And guess what happened next? Yep. The text messaging and phone calls started. "I don't want this, I'm sorry..... I'm already missing talking to you on the phone on my way to the gym and during my workout, and then later when I'm on my route. I want to have a future with you...... I love you...... blah, blah, blah." I ignored several calls before finally answering. It was my last day there and he wanted to see me and take me to get something to eat. I told him no, I already had plans with my friends and we were having a BBQ with some other friends. He asked a few times if he would get to see me at all and I said no. So what does he do? Later on that evening, as we're all hanging out in the backyard, he shows up unannounced! And yes, we talked, he played the broken-hearted, I'm sorry, I want you and love you card, gave me a card and a little teddy bear (yuck), gave me false hope, and reeled me back in.... again. Of course, after I returned home, things were ok for a few days, but then they started going downhill again. It wasn't even a roller coaster anymore with highs and lows, but a continuous downward spiral for me over the next 3 weeks. I tried going NC at that point but only lasted 2 1/2 days. Every day I didn't talk to him only got worse, not better. Of course, I didn't have any idea what I was dealing with then, I was just very confused and trying to figure it all out, AND TRYING TO STILL MAKE IT WORK! I was still clinging to the memory of the first 6 months and trying to get back there. As luck would have it (or unluck as I consider it now), I had to go back out there in December for a wedding. Somehow the relationship had "improved" in between this time by returning to a roller coaster instead of a downward spiral (funny what we'll consider acceptable when we're desperate). He was "trying" again. I know now that he was just stringing me along until he found new supply. Anyway, one of his complaints for the past few months had been that if he really meant as much to me as I said he did, he wanted to come first instead of my husband. He wanted me to prove it to him. So I did, or so I thought, but of course you can't prove anything to a Narc and no amount of anything you do will ever be enough. I not only went for the wedding, but stayed for the entire month and through the Holidays to spend them with him. I was more invested in that relationship than my marriage. The first couple weeks of that trip were pretty good, except for the game playing and drama. The arguing that would inevitably break out because of his interaction with other women. The second couple of weeks started reminding me of the trip when I was out for his birthday, only not as bad. His excuse was, what's the point? Next week you'll be returning home to your husband. He took me to a New Year's Eve Party where I didn't know anyone, and basically ignored me the whole time, treating me like a buddy instead of someone he supposedly loved. He wandered off immediately after we arrived and left me on my own. When I spotted him I went over to him and he walked away again. At that point I wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy dog, but I don't have a good poker face, and it was obvious I wasn't very happy. Of course, he later pointed this out to me, about how I'm so negative and unhappy. I used to be a lot of fun and the life of the party, but he sucked the life out of me. He even rejected me at Midnight during the New Year's kiss and someone got a picture of that - him standing there stiffly with his arms at his sides while my arms are around his neck trying to kiss him, with him barely kissing me back, coldly staring at the camera the whole time. It was humiliating. My BIG D&D as I'm calling it now came a little over 10 weeks ago after a former girlfriend of over 25 years ago reappeared in his life and they immediately picked up where they left off. This was only 3 weeks after I returned home. He let me know by posting it all over Facebook. Pictures of the two of them kissing, holding hands, and hugging at a party. Plus the status updates he posted to go along with them that were heartbreaking to me. He pretty much announced to all our mutual friends this was his new girlfriend. The really messed up part though is that he was so mean about it. Not only was he indiscreet and insensitive to my feelings, he rubbed my face in it. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart by dumping me the way he did, he had to crush me in the process. He had already de-friended me so I couldn't see what he was posting, so he made sure to describe everything in excruciating detail over the phone. All of it. The "soft, sensuous kiss" between them caught on camera, how everyone at the party thought she was "The One" for him and she was a keeper, how she was the life of the party, and how they liked her so much better than me (these were the same people who had the New Year's party). And he slept with her and had sex with her that same night. He kept calling me and texting for the next several weeks even though he now had a new GF, changed his relationship status on FB and practically made his FB page a shrine to her. And he opened his page up to Friends of Friends, which he'd never done before, just so I could see the progression of his relationship. He wanted to keep me around as a friend and back up supply to listen to him talk about his relationship with his new GF and to hurt me some more. He made sure to tell me about all the gifts he got her for Valentine's Day, and even insisted on reading what he wrote inside one of the 4 cards he got her. When I repeatedly said, I don't want to hear it and he proceeded to try and tell me, saying "Yeah you do...." I hung up on him. I finally went completely NC 4 weeks ago today. Up until then I had tried and would avoid his calls and texts for 2 or 3 days but he would wear me down and I would respond, even if it was just to fight with him. He knew exactly which buttons to push. But every time I did he only hurt me more and proved what a sadistic son-of-a-bitch he really is. I couldn't believe the things he was telling me about the new GF, the previous GF, and the lies he admitted to. He told me hurtful things there was no reason to mention at that point except for the sake of being cruel, just to rub salt in the wounds. And how I realized in horror that ALL OF IT, EVERYTHING, the entire relationship had been one big lie! None of it was real! The last contact we had it was finally over, because I think he realized I wasn't going to give him the supply he needed when I told him for the umpteenth time he couldn't talk to me about his new GF and he had no use for me anymore. He sent me a text telling me to never contact him again in any form. I sent him one last text saying it would be the last he'd ever hear from me and that he was dead to me now.
April 27, 2011 - 6:04pm (Reply to #4)
rew72
rew72's picture

your story

Thank you for taking the time to write your story. I've struggled with accepting the reality of my situation because I believe that the events and facts are so ridiculous that there is no way they can be real. Your story could have been mine. Thank you for sharing so that I can see this IS real and that it isn't all my fault or my story telling.
April 16, 2011 - 10:56am
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan's Story

I met my husband 5 years ago. We married quickly after he swept me off my feet. He was the perfect boyfriend. Why wouldn't I want to marry someone who treated me like a princess...someone who made me feel like I was the only person in the world to him? That all drastically changed within the first 4 months of our marriage. I could tell with our first married fight that there was something "off" with him. He annihilated me with his words and actions while HE was the one who actually screwed up and caused the argument. He talked (yelled) like he absolutely hated me and I was his worst enemy. Then, minutes later, he was all lovey dovey again. That was the first of many, many "WTF?" moments for me. I was often left confused and bewildered by his over the top reactions to things that were really no big deal. His viciousness grew worse and worse and more scary with each incident. He got really controlling-controlled my access to money, who I saw, where I went, pressured me into quitting various jobs three different times. He threatened me, threatened to destroy and actually followed through on destroying some of my belongings. He left guns out where I could see them to intimidate me. He often got into arguments with various women at his job...never men. He is a true misogynist. There were always enough moments where he treated me like a princess again sprinkled in there to totally confuse me and manipulate me. I left him. He poured on the charm and I went back. Things got even scarier. I secretly got a job and then I finally fled with nothing but my few possessions- no money. I started counseling. It helped me see who he really is much clearer. He is an abusive, narcissistic misogynist. He continued the "try to win me back" thing. I fell for it,but didn't move back this time. Then he got nasty again, then nice, then nasty etc. This has continued for months. I have not had any (ANY! YAY ME!) contact with him for a week. This is the longest stretch ever with no contact. It hasn't been easy but this time I put things into place so I wouldn't get lonely and reach out to him. I am throwing myself into my work and becoming a workaholic (I will deal with that later because I know that isn't healthy either) I am continuing with my counseling. I am determined to remain free of him until I can get divorced from him. I know I can't do it alone though. I need support and don't have any friends left and don't have any family. I am tired of it always being about him...tired of living for him, for what he wants, for what he needs and when I don't...I pay for it through his vicious tantrums. I deserve better. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/16/swans-story-help-me-if-you-can-michele115
April 16, 2011 - 2:50pm (Reply to #2)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan

I met my husband 5 years ago. We married quickly after he swept me off my feet. He was the perfect boyfriend. Why wouldn't I want to marry someone who treated me like a princess...someone who made me feel like I was the only person in the world to him? It is a very common story to hear...the whirlwind romance with narcs. They put on the charm and stop at nothing to win us over. I note that you are seeing a lot of patterns in hindisight. That all drastically changed within the first 4 months of our marriage. I could tell with our first married fight that there was something "off" with him. He annihilated me with his words and actions while HE was the one who actually screwed up and caused the argument. He talked (yelled) like he absolutely hated me and I was his worst enemy. Then, minutes later, he was all lovey dovey again. Narc rage...typical...I was a vitim of this as well although not as extreme. He'd even say "sorry" and that of course disarmed me as I thought he had insight and chalked it up to his having a bit of a temper but wouldn't really hurt me - which luckily he never resorted to physical harm, but I can't say in hindsight that wasn't coming down the pike...they start off with the verbal abuse and use their anger and rage to intimidate you. They use intemittent reinforcement...this is the beginning of it...you get "used" to a pattern, they say the most atrocious things, hurtful things, intimidate and scare you then they come back meekk and mild and you blow it off. that is a HUGE error. NO MAN or WOMAN should have anger to the point that they start yelling and screaming. At times, we are human we lose it...but if it starts to become a pattern...if you start saying..."OH well, that is how he expresses his anger" YOU better think twice because that means a pattern is emerging. Funny thing is that I normally don't blow my top. I found myself losing control and doing a lot of screaming myself...at everyone...and that typically wasn't me. It was my reaction to the insanity around me...it became my way of fighting back. It wasn't healthy...especially for my son. That was the first of many, many "WTF?" moments for me. I was often left confused and bewildered by his over the top reactions to things that were really no big deal. His viciousness grew worse and worse and more scary with each incident. Yes, this is how the abuse campaign begins, they start to "train" you with thier intemittent reinforcement...slap slap kiss kiss...literally or figuratively. He got really controlling-controlled my access to money, who I saw, where I went, pressured me into quitting various jobs three different times. This is a classic sign of abuse. He threatened me, threatened to destroy and actually followed through on destroying some of my belongings. He left guns out where I could see them to intimidate me. He often got into arguments with various women at his job...never men. He is a true misogynist. There were always enough moments where he treated me like a princess again sprinkled in there to totally confuse me and manipulate me. I don't have to explain any of this...you see it in hindsight exactly what was going on. To those freshly out...use this for notes. You are not crazy. GET OUT! if some of this rings true for you. I left him. He poured on the charm and I went back. Many have gone back because they were unaware of this type of abuse, and when they feel they are losing control, they charm to the hilt to get that control back. Things got even scarier. I secretly got a job and then I finally fled with nothing but my few possessions- no money. I am sure this was very difficult, but do hope you realize how strong you are... I started counseling. It helped me see who he really is much clearer. He is an abusive, narcissistic misogynist. Yes! absolutely...and they are dangerous and they can't change...it has nothing to do with "will" they can't. This is the reality. He continued the "try to win me back" thing. I fell for it,but didn't move back this time. Then he got nasty again, then nice, then nasty etc. This has continued for months. This is what they do...and if they win, we are left literally insane, trauma bonded, empty shells unable to function...we become the living dead. I have not had any (ANY! YAY ME!) contact with him for a week. This is the longest stretch ever with no contact. It hasn't been easy but this time I put things into place so I wouldn't get lonely and reach out to him. I am throwing myself into my work and becoming a workaholic (I will deal with that later because I know that isn't healthy either) Right now, if workacholic is the WORSE thing you can be...roll with it. You are smart and practical when you say: I will deal with that later. Simply because with all there is to deal with right now...this has to be baby steps and this alone is overwhelming...so you are handling all of this so far beautifully. I am continuing with my counseling. I am determined to remain free of him until I can get divorced from him. I know I can't do it alone though. I need support and don't have any friends left and don't have any family. I am tired of it always being about him...tired of living for him, for what he wants, for what he needs and when I don't...I pay for it through his vicious tantrums. I deserve better. Swan, you absolutely deserve better, and I was in a very similar predicament in terms of the friends and family. It was an isolation like no other; and I'm not being cliche here, but this Board saved my life. I clung to it 24-7 in the early days...who am I kidding, I'm here everyday - but now instead of trying to heal, I'm helping others, and I would not have been able to get there if it wasn't for all the beautiful, strong and supportive people I've met here. Welcome Swan...I an confident I can speak for everyone when I say we are all looking forward to getting to know you better and taking that walk along the Path Forward with you. Hugs!