SHARE YOUR STORY !!!

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May 10, 2011 - 6:36pm (Reply to #55)
Hunter
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Gravity

This is a very sick man. Be glad he is silent. You need to seek therapy, and heal from this Devil. Welcome please feel free to express your feelings. Hunter
May 10, 2011 - 7:37pm (Reply to #56)
Gravity
Gravity's picture

Thanks

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Despite knowing everything he has done is very wrong, I sometimes still feel crazy. Every time someone validates how I feel it helps a lot. It also helps to be able to admit this finally.. i've been too embarrassed to tell anybody the full story. Thank you!
May 11, 2011 - 5:12pm (Reply to #58)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

crazy

You are not crazy. Deep down you know this was the furthest thing from the healthy loving relationship you wanted when you first were "smitten" with him. He isn't that guy, that vision you created. He is a monster. If you care about your life and sanity at all, be thankful you didn't marry him and have children with him..and run for YOUR LIFE like your ass is on fire!
May 11, 2011 - 7:47am (Reply to #57)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

that is how I felt, too in

that is how I felt, too in fact, at first my therapist tried to say I was bi-polar but after I found this board and saw how similar we all are in our reactions to these psychos I thought "we can't ALL be bi-polar" and I feel much more healthy, mentally now
May 10, 2011 - 12:03am
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis's picture

My Encounter with a Narcisst

I am re-posting the original version of my story, excuse the typos! We have been on and off for 1 year and a half. When I first met him, there was electricity! I had just painfully ended another relationship. "T" drove up to me in his shiny Mustang and drove up to me informing me that I was absolutely beautiful. We engaged in a long and intense conversation and I gave him my number. He called several times but I ignored his calls; I was still recovering from a previous relationship. A few weeks later, I ran into "T" again, he drove up to me while I was standing on the sidewalk near the beach. We both thought it was "Fate" that we ran into each other. This man was over-the-top and too good to be true from the get go. "T" informed me that he owned his own business, house and numerous other things (that turned out not to be true). "T" would take me to the best restaurants and just listen to me. Come to think of it, he never revealed much, I supposed he was studying me. Within the first three months he was extremely clingy, making references to our future together, and showering me with praise and adoration. At the three month mark, he actually proposed to me! It took him three hours to convince me that he was serious. The next day, I mentioned something about said proposal and he stated that he actually wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I flipped! I stormed out of his car and said, “Lose my number, creep!". A few hours later, he was bombarding me with phone calls. I caved in and met up with him. He informed me that he met a woman on the street, went back to her place because he needed to "talk to someone" and he paid her $40.00 for a foot message. I should have ran a million miles away at that point, but he charmed his way into luring me to stay. Things progressively grew more intense and I noticed so many red flags. He had no friends, his closet childhood friends hang up on him of he calls them to this day (and it's there fault, of course), he had a very promiscuous past that included seeing prostitutes on a regular basis, he had no attachment to previous flings, he'd change his number after he was done with them. He was extremely rude to waitresses and he appeared to be disgusted with humanity in general (which is strange, because I am a humanitarian). He'd always say, "Take my hand, Angell; it's us against the world. "T" had violent tendencies, aswell. "T" told me that some guy was looking at him funny in a grocery store and "T snapped, he pushed over a shelf containing canned goods, and smashed a can on the man's skull, also causing $800.00 worth of damage. I was mortified and disgusted when he told me this story; "T" had no emotional reaction and seemed to appear as if his actions were justified. I STILL didn't leave him at this stage! It turns out "T" lives with his parents, they owned an old truck, and "T" would drive truck for his father. "T"'s father owned the Mustang, as well. This is a harsh contradiction from his original story! "T" had actually filed for bankruptcy. "T" lives in another town, ran up a $200,000 charge on his credit, smashed a rented vehicle that was not insured and lived it up like a rock star. "T" was very grandiose in his telling of this story, stating everyone in the town thought he was powerful, he'd sleep with three random woman on a regular basis, he'd spend $4000.00 on lunches, live out of a posh hotel, he even considered plastic surgery. Eventually, he used up all of his credit, ended up flat broke and had to deal with legal issues due to the car accident. "T" had no job at the time, and was living in a fantasy world, purely on credit alone, pretending he was "rich". "T" had to move back with his parents, including his Narcissist Father who was very angry that his son was such a failure. "T" was his father's slave, driving truck non-stop, completely cut off from the world. "T" and I would continuously get into arguments. Mainly due to his inconsideration( for example, making plans with me at a specific time, and then not showing up for 5 hour later w/o answering his phone) When I would confront him with any issue, it became grossly blown out of proportion. He would end up yelling at me and making soul crushing statements, such as calling me a worthless whore. I would be in tears, he would run off for a few hours, then call me back acting as if nothing happened and flat out denying the abusive comments that he had made. We would get into these arguments on a weekly basis, than he would leave town for a week. It was driving me crazy. Somehow he kept me hooked. Sometimes, I would go along for the ride while he was driving truck. That was a huge mistake! We would be stuck in a car for days, he would say all sorts of ridiculous, negative things. My nerves were already bad at one point, and he called me an old, washed up, ugly and worthless whore (I am a very youthful, attractive woman, but 10 years older than him). I snapped and splashed him with my water, "T" flipped out. "T" grabbed me, dragged me to the door, lifted me over his head and slammed my body against the gravel pavement. "T" threw my boots into the river. I just lay on the pavement, crying and in intense physical and emotional pain, while "T" proceeded to call me a dirty animal and a worthless whore for the next 30 minutes" eventually convinced me to get back into the truck. I was shaken up for the rest of the trip but "T" brushed it off like nothing happened. He even started singing a cheery tune! He managed to lose his driving due to reckless driving (No, he didn't use drugs or alcohol, he was a health fanatic). "T"'s sense of entitlement extended to the road, he got a kick out of bullying people, and racing them on the road. "T" would get pulled over at least three times per day. The police would issue him a ticket and "T" would always flip out on the police, as if he were above the law. "T" was becoming more and more abusive, not physically, but emotionally. "T" was constantly breaking up with me, than phoning me back, denying he'd break up with me. "T" would spend the night at my place and then take off w/o explanation. Every time I'd had enough, he'd shower me with gifts and beg for me to stay! We had an intense argument, "T" stated that he took of the other night because he wanted to go to the bar and check out other woman because I am so old. "T" broke up with me and I flipped out. A few days later, "T" phoned me, sucking up. His father kicked him out(because "T" lost his license, couldn't drive truck, and was essentially useless to his father). "T" basically told me that he was moving in, I didn't want him to, but I was essentially pressured into it. Big mistake! "T" had no life skills, was fired from every job he ever had. I enabled "T" by making up resumes, cover letters, and applying for hundreds of jobs. He would go into an interview, and blow it with his arrogant attitude. "T" would inform the manager doing the interview, that despite his lack of experience and education, he could do the manager's job with his hands tied behind his back. Needless to say, he received no calls back. Finally, "T" landed a job at a car dealership (after I spent two hours prepping him for the interview". I was buying all of the groceries, cooking and cleaning. "T" would come home from work everyday and speak about the woman he was working closely with. "T" began to speak about her way too much, so I joked, "Is she going to be your new girlfriend?". "T" stated that if I kept talking like that, she would be. I became very upset and dramatic (due to all of the stress I was facing). I yelled at him, stating that if he wasn't happy, he should leave! I picked up his shirt off of the hanger and threw it on the bed, stating that he could pack his things, "T" started to push me around and than threatened to break my legs. I was rushed with adrenaline and called the police but hung up after 1 ring. "T" took of, but a police man showed up and I was so emotional I told him the whole story. The police warned me not to go back to this man, the police stated that he was going to speak to "T" and I had no choice in the matter! I begged the police not to ( that's how sick I became, I guess it's a case of Stockholm Syndrome).The police visited "T" at work, and gave him a warning not to return within the next 24 hours. The following day, I met with "T" begging him to return. "T" moved into a hotel next to my work and refused to see me again (that is, until it suited him!). "T" basically blamed everything on me, stating that I was a disloyal woman for calling the police. For the next three months, "T" would contact me after I gathered abit of strength, insinuate that he wanted to get back together and work things through, buy me presents, sleep with me and than inform me that he did not see a future for us, and again, not contact me for a week. This whole process drove me crazy! I kept trying to end it for good, but he'd lure me back again with false promises and mega charm! During our split, I went to the book store and was drawn to a book on Narcissistic Men. That is when I started to figure things out! I eventually started to emotionally detach and date another man. This is when "T" did a 360 degree turn. "T" Insisted that I was the woman for him, he wanted to move in immediately, and start our future together. Despite my instincts and better judgment, I let him move in again. So many little things happened. We were walking down the street, and a prostitute new him on a 1st name basis, I found a used condom wrapper and we don't use condoms, he had phoned several message parlors, and of course he flat out denied all of these incidents, claiming I was insecure and had trust issues! "T" was becoming more emotionally detached, he would work 15 hour days, come home, I'd make him dinner and he refused to make any meaningful conversation. The sex with "T" became less frequent and more mechanical. "T" Would treat me like his slave asking me to do little things that he was capable of doing himself constantly. "T" never helped out with groceries, I did everything. When I would try to bring up my frustrations, "T" would mock me, refuse to look me in the eye, and try to distract himself with some other activity, basically pretending as if I were invisible. I would become more frustrated, then he would call me a psycho who was out of control, too emotional. He threatened to abandon me several times. I would be sobbing and he would get this sadistic look in his eyes, start laughing and than start singing a cheery tune again (Knowing that drove me mad!). I started to feel like the life was being sucked out of me, I could no longer eat or sleep, always obesessing about him and filled with anxiety. I informed "T" about the stated I was in and he showed no empathy, Stating he likes his woman drained, weak and depressed. I was starting to feel as if I was living with an emotionless robot, repeating the same obsessive compulsive rituals (like spending three hours looking in the mirror every night fixing his hair-I'm not joking), devoid of any intimacy whatsoever. He gave me a really creepy feeling and I felt so alone in his presence. One evening, "T" pushed every psychological bone in my body, he pushed me to the point of snapping. I lost it, packed his bags and kicked him out (literally kicking him in the behind on his way out, lol).I gave him so many chances to work things out, I believe he pushed me to the edge on purpose. We repeated the same push and pull cycle again for a few months. "T" stating he wanted to be with me, the next minute denying he'd ever said that-sometime there were only seconds between these conflicting statements. I finally had enough was enough and decided on no contact. It lasted one week. He broke me down with his regular phone calls and sappy messages on my voicemail. "T" even stated that he was going to all of the places I hang out and walking down my street, hoping to catch a glimpse of me! "T" came for dinner, stated that he had enough back and forth and wanted to move in with me again. I informed "T" that I wanted to date other men, "T" wanted me all to himself! A few days later (Today!), I met with him for coffee. He started off being superficially friendly. I asked him if he was serious about me this time. He stated that he was, although we had a lot to work through. I asked him how he planned on working things through., he said communication. For the next half hour he kept switching responses, saying he wanted to be my boyfriend, and then telling me to move on. I got angry with him and told he that he was leading me on this whole time, wasting my time, being phony and making false promises. I told him that I needed to move on and we needed to break contact for good! He tried to persuade me to be his "friend" and take things slowly. I told him that there is no going backwards, if he wasn't ready to work things out, I was done wasting my time. He then stated that he wasn't the guy for me (despite stating that he wanted to marry me and work amour problems the night before). He said he loved me. I called him a phony, flaky liar and a monster and stated that I never wanted to see him again! That was three hours ago. I am back to day one of No-Contact. I pray to god that I have the strength to make it permanent this time. I am still in denial about the possibility of him being a full-fledged Narcisst and I am afraid I will not be able to relate to a normal man again. I refuse to allow myself to be damaged by this experience and I am going to keep my heart open again, and trust others. This time I will RUN at the first sign of a red flag and not look back! My story doesn’t end here, I broke contact several more times and the results were disastrous, but you catch the drift!
May 11, 2011 - 5:58pm (Reply to #53)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

Miss Lewis

Do Not allow "T" THE TERROR to damage you. You are stronger than this!! Turn off the vision you have created about him, and look at reality (his actions.)Turn off the voice in your head that repeats his words. In Malignant Self Love (quoted by Lisa in her book) Dr. vankin writes "With the classic narcissist, language is used cruelly and ruthlessly to ensnare one's enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to emulate the narcissist (Projective Identification), to leave the listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, or to punish. Language is enslaved and forced to lie. The language is appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang raped into submission." This come close, now go away routine is just to beat you into submission. It is a form of control. It is NOT love. Please don't do this to yourself
May 10, 2011 - 7:22am (Reply to #52)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Miss Lewis your story just

Miss Lewis your story just like a few others is similar to mines and I will tell you now I know what you mean about contradictions just in seconds. Not only is he a full narcissit he has split personalities and is dangerous. Please stay NC this guy sounds like a livewire. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that but don't be like me and end up with kids with this monster. Please get out now!
May 7, 2011 - 6:00pm
robot
robot's picture

Robot's Story

The N in my story is cerebral, not somatic. I met the N about two years ago in grad school (I am reluctant to call him "my N" because I see now that he has never been anything to me). At first, I was completely put off by his behavior and attitude because he was always so loud and needed everyone to laugh at his jokes. After a few months of not communicating with him (by choice), he suddenly started turning on the charm during social outings. However, it was on a much lower level than I'd witnessed before, so I wasn't immediately turned off. Instead, I was impressed by his wit and humor. Plus, he did one key thing to keep me hooked: he'd come on strong, make sure I was enjoying myself around him, and then abruptly leave to talk to someone else. My response was shock and a feeling of rejection, so I would always try to get more time with him to keep him to convince myself that I wasn't being rejected. After a few months of this, we started getting closer and closer, but he would still pull away (just without the same abruptness). Over the last year, I had grown to consider us friends because we spent a lot of time around each other in our grad program. In retrospect, he dropped A LOT of hints that he is a N. He told me several times that he "hates everyone" and "has no feelings" and "has no friends". I laughed it off, because he was always, always, always around people, laughing and joking with them. At that point, I couldn't comprehend that he truly didn't like people since he spent so much time in their presence. It was only the other night that I clued into the fact that he has no empathy. That was what ultimately made me realize he's an N. We were discussing politics and he kept saying things like "people don't have any natural born rights so I don't know why people fight for things" and "I'm just over here watching everyone from above while they bicker over these things." I relayed the story to my roommate who immediately pointed out that he had no empathy, given that he can't understand why people have political ideals. I researched online 'lack of empathy' and up popped a ton of information about the N disorder. I was completely shocked when I saw how many of the symptoms he met. He's constantly talking about himself, exaggerating his achievements, and disregarding the feelings of others. Additionally, I realized one of the things which had always upset me the most about him was his tendency to get really close to me and then ignore me for a week or so. I could NEVER understand it and always attributed it to him being particularly busy with school or work. Now, I (painfully) understand that he'd just gotten enough N supply from me and didn't need me. Right now, he's in the cycle of actively ignoring me. He hasn't responded to texts, emails, and even ignored me when I said hello to him in person yesterday. For the first time, he's hidden me on facebook chat. I think it's because I got closer than I ever had, and he couldn't handle it. Or he got really angry with me for not catering to him the other day. I don't know. I can't tell if he's just avoiding me because he doesn't need the supply, or if he's trying to punish me by withholding. It could be either, because he's done both in the past. A few months ago, he told me he didn't trust people and didn't get close to people because his biological mother had abandoned him when he was a child (HOW DID I NOT GET IT THEN?!. He was adopted when he was six. I don't know if he's ever been in therapy, but knowing what I know now, I'm' surprised that he realized he doesn't trust people and doesn't let them get close. From what I've read it seems like narcissists don't know that they do this or that their patterns are unusual. I'm really struggling right now because I feel like someone has died. It's devastating to learn that someone I cared about as much as I care about any of my good friends has never cared about me beyond considering me a consistent source of attention. I'd always thought he was egotistic, but he did a good enough job of pretending to care about me from time to time that I never caught on. Plus, like I said, he never let me get REALLY close. He'd pull away, so I didn't realize how strange he was. I just thought he was incredibly insecure due to his mother giving him up (and I developed a false sense of closeness thanks to him telling me this- he hasn't told anyone else in our grad program so I wrongly thought it meant that he trusts me and considered me a friend). Right now, I cannot comprehend that he doesn't care about me at all. It's still unfathomable to me. I cycle between knowing on one level that I will never be able to fix him, and attempting to convince myself that he's not an N, but just a deeply insecure man who does have the ability to love people. Part of this is because it upsets me so much to realize I was manipulated for two years. I'm doing everything to convince myself that I haven't been so stupid.
May 11, 2011 - 10:49pm (Reply to #50)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

i hope you are still NC

I just received my username today, but read your story the day you posted it. I can hear the hurt in your heart, and boy have I been there 100x with my exN. Their manipulative ways can completely drain everything from you. I have posted this before, but I will write it again: When men do this come close to me baby, and then directly after pull away and give silent treatment...it is all about control. This is not love honey, this is not something you want to spend your energy trying to figure out. There are actually men out there who can love, have empathy, and they have respect for women, and they even know how to communicate. We all wish we could choose who we fall for, and I am sorry to say you fell for a dud. If you get back together with this N, it will only be good for very short term (days)..that is all they know and all that he can supply. Last, one thing that always helped me in getting over my ExN, every time I was crying my eyes out and in so much pain I knew he wasn't feeling the pain and sadness that I was. they don't care, they cannot feel, they cannot emotionally attach (no matter how wonderful you are)...so don't waste one more tear on this monster.
May 7, 2011 - 10:40am
LiveLaughLove
LiveLaughLove's picture

LiveLaughLove's Story

I fell for my (now ex)Narc one night at work, we spent the whole shift discussing the relationships we were both currently in, how neither of us were happy. He seemed incredible from the very beginning. He blamed his gf at the time for the reason they were doing so bad (they had been together for 4 years, had a dog & house together). We talked every single night at work for 3 months. At work he was the Alpha Male, that every girl wanted to be with and every guy wanted to be, I thought whoever ends up with him is going to be one lucky girl! I eventually broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (not on a bad terms, he just didn’t want the same things out of life as me) and the Narc told me he’s moving out of the house and leaving his girlfriend. Two weeks later he came to my house, we played board games and went to dinner, I was hooked! I could not believe he was interested it me! Everything he said was perfect and he treated me like a true gentlemen, and we became a couple. He ADORED me, he told me he prayed to God for me, wanted to see me every second of everyday, that he’s “never felt this way about anybody before“, that I should be so happy that I’m THE girl that finally tamed him (he is 30, and hasn’t been faithful to even ONE girlfriend ..but all his ex’s are STILL addicted to him and STILL want him back) Somehow, I thought I was different - I guess, because that’s what he told me. He went on and on about how he wants to move in, marry me, and give me babies (also said he’s never told anyone this before, but now looking back without my blinders on, obviously he told his ex the same thing if they bought a HOUSE together!). The first three months were incredible, I thought I was “In love” for the first time, and found my soul mate. WRONG! There were many tell-tale signs in the beginning but I refused to see them. After the 3 month honeymoon phase, things took an immediate turn for the worst. He became super controlling, manipulative, and just plain mean. I literally revolved my life around him, because that’s what he said I had to do, making sure he was happy & satisfied, and I thought it was what I had to do to make the relationship work, after all, he was my “soul mate.” He would tell me horrible things from his past like “If my girlfriend didn’t cook me dinner, I would go find a girl that would cook for me, and then I’d cheat on my girlfriend with her” HE TOLD ME THIS! And what did I do? I think started stressing out, thinking “ I need to make sure I need to meet everyone of his needs.“ I don’t know where this weak “me” came from, don’t get me wrong, I love to take care of people and make people happy, but WHAT was I thinking?! Who wants to be with man like that?! He told me stories about how hard his life has been, which made me feel so sorry for him, so I wanted to save him, help him, and take all his worries away. It ended up turning into a relationship where I was walking on eggshells every second of the day, just to make him happy, yet he never was. If he dropped the cap to his drink, I had to jump up and pick it up and hand it to him before he got mad. I don’t know who I become, I lost myself. He was so controlling, I needed a part time job but it couldn’t be at the mall (he stated I would meet a nice guy who worked the same shift as me, and I would leave him!) so I found an awesome job based off his sleep schedule (he worked overnights, and I had started a new job during the day) and then two weeks later his days off changed, so he made me quit so it didn’t take time from us (even though I needed the $$, and it was only 8 hours a week!) Of course at this point, there were no more love letters being sent to me, no more “I think you’re beautiful”, not even anymore “How was your day?” I spoke to him about his lack of interest in me and his said, “I can’t give you that, I don’t have it in me”. He then blamed depression, and of course then I felt bad he was depressed, and he told me how wrong it was of me to expect anything from him, and I had to be more patient and understanding! I was becoming so frustrated with the way the relationship was going, I was giving 100%, and he wasn’t even giving 1%. I felt like his slave in some sense, I had to do everything for him, like TURN ON HIS SHOWER, he just wanted to be waited on hand & foot. He did not appreciate anything what-so-ever, I felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough, yet I could never picture leaving him, I knew it HAD to get better. I felt so isolated, I wasn’t allowed out with my friends, but ironically I took so much comfort in being with him, I felt so complete with him. After 10 months, It was over with a simple phone call from him 5 minutes before I walked into work. I was DEVASTATED. He just said he didn’t want to do it anymore. At this point, I didn’t see all the D&D, and was still madly in love with him, how could he leave me? I did everything for him. I was so hurt and couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t sleep, and my mind would not stop racing. I thought my life was over, and saw no future if it wasn’t with him. I started seeing a therapist, which helps a lot. When I came across this board, I couldn’t believe it, to read other stories from people are going through the same thing is mind-blowing and SO helpful. This is a horrible thing to go through and I need all the support I can get. I am just trying to realize the pain and loss I feel is not for my exNarc, it is for a person who doesn’t truly exists. I now see he is a charmer who truly DIDN’T care about me at all, I saw him a week after he broke up with me, to exchange our stuff, and he said it was the best week ever, he got to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted (..meaning play video games, smoke weed, and watch tv with his buddy) I begged and begged for him to take me back, I would do whatever it would take. He said he just didn't feel the same about me anymore. Its been 6 weeks now, and no further contact, I’m sure he’s moved on to another girl now (which still kills me anytime I think about him with someone else). His mother messaged me a few weeks ago to see how I was doing and to just let me know that I am a great person. I should have listened to her when she told me to RUN the first time I met her, she clearly knew something I didn’t!! There is SO much more to my story that I didn’t add, that is obviously the quick simple version, I still struggle every single day, it’s only been 6 weeks since he left, but I’ve been reading these boards for about 3 days now, and it has been so incredibly helpful! Looking back now though, whenever I looked into his eyes I always saw emptiness, I thought it was just me being silly, because obviously this is the man I love with all of my heart and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, if ONLY I realized what my gut was telling me.
May 11, 2011 - 11:00pm (Reply to #48)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

we all should have listened to our gut!

I know what you mean about the emptiness in their eyes. It is true, whatever has effected them is deep in their soul. There is such a coldness about them. You can do better for yourself. Be thankful he was done with you quickly, mine gave me 13 years of misery. Sometimes, they keep coming back making your life more complex every time. Learn from this, learn to watch the signs. Some women repeat this with different N's over and over I have learned. NC is perfect for you, you have no children with this man. He will not change, there is no cure
May 7, 2011 - 12:46pm (Reply to #47)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Oksy I don't mean no harm or

Okay I don't mean no harm or disrespect but damn this sounds like what happened to me too. But instead I was the "ex" in this situation. My ex N did the same thing to all the women he had including me. He did everything you said yours did HE always badmouths his exes. He told me that his ex he had for two years that he lied to me about. He always would compare her to me saying that I could cook my azz off and blah, blah, blah. They do the same exact shyt to everyone I see. Mines was no alpha male he wish he was that. He just controls women he doesn't mess with men because another man can see thru his shyt and probably beat his azz. I didn't wait on mines hand and foot but he got me in other ways. he has a child from a previous relationship that he had to pay child support for so of course I got the sob story about that. He was always crying broke about things like household items and groceries. I now know that it was because he needed money for other women, himself to buy things secretly also. I think back now and wonder why didn't I go back to school and now I remember thats right I had to work my azz off to pay for the slack his lazy behind didn't do. And of course he was not supportive of this because this meant me going out getting ahead and probably ditching him. Which was very likely. Boy I wish I never met this clown. Oh and yeah my schedule had to revolve around him too . It was because of the children but my thing is why do I always have to change my schedule why can't you change yours sometimes too. I remember these so-called meeting and job requirements would come up too my guess would be a cover up to go with other women.
May 7, 2011 - 7:08am
wacaet
wacaet's picture

wacaet's story (this is really long!)

I met my N over 20 years ago. I was dhttp://www.lisaescott.com/filter/tipsating a friend of his. At the time he was addicted to cocaine and was quite fun & funny. Eventually his parents stepped in and basically kidnapped him until he got clean. About 6 months later, I ran into him at a party and he totally turned on the charm. We started seeing each other but I lived about 30 minutes away at college and had no phone and he was back in high school after having missed quite a bit. I really liked my N and thought we had something great starting. A few weeks into our “relationship” I found out he cheated on me with one of my friends. About 6 months after that, I’d been dating the man who would eventually become my husband (and then ex-husband) and our relationship was rocky. I ran into my N again and started seeing him to make the other guy jealous. N was funny and odd and a musician. But, I was still mad about him cheating on me and really into the other guy so our dating didn’t amount to much. Plus he was on this weird “no sex” trip. I was supposed to hook up with him at a concert but ended up having my stomach pumped that night for blood alcohol poisoning. I talked to him once on the phone and then never saw/spoke to him again. In the meantime, I married and then divorced the other guy and got sober and remarried. Fast forward to last year, my husband is ill, constantly hospitalized and we never have sex or any intimacy. I see my N on Facebook and send him a message that I’ve thought about him so much over the years that it was embarrassing (really fed his ego, I realize now!) Anyway, he messaged me back and it seemed like a cut & paste of a message he’d sent other people, he mentioned being self-employed when on his Facebook page he posted about going back to work for a company he’d worked at before (first red flag I ignored) . We chatted a little on Facebook and I told him the girl he’d cheated on me with had overdosed on heroin about 10 years ago. He was VERY upset, turns out that they had dated more and he even flew her & her daughter see him out of state when he was in college. I didn’t hear from my N for 9 months, then, out of the blue, last September he sent me a brief note on Facebook. He talked about how lonely he was and how he wanted a relationship that lasted more than a few days. We chatted for a couple days, getting more in depth, taking it off Facebook and into email and then he disappeared. New Years Eve, right after midnight, he sent another message that said “I still think about you”. A few weeks later, I sent him a message asking him to send me a recording of him playing music. He emailed back and asked me if I wanted to meet up for coffee. Things really progressed at that point, it took two weeks before we met for coffee and by that time I was “in love”. I had, of course, googled him and figured out he was married. You couldn’t tell by his Facebook page at all! I asked him and he said “I’ve been meaning to tell you about that.” He was married for 16 years and had two kids but the marriage was passionless and he was planning on a divorce. He traveled ALL the time for his job (software engineer) and had, according to him, one affair when he was living in Europe. He said he’d done the bar scene early on (when he was an almost famous musician) and grew tired of it. We met for coffee, he was over an hour late and had alcohol on his breath. He knew I was in AA and I thought that was rude! All sorts of red flags went off at that first meeting and I really didn’t think he was as cute as I remembered. He was still charming, though and when I was leaving he gave me a full body hug and I could tell he was aroused. It had been so long since I’d had any physical affection that this had a huge effect on me. The next few weeks were spent with him in hot pursuit of me, texting and calling after my husband went to bed. He talked about us being together, he said we could have kids, something I had desperately wanted but will never have with my older husband who is ill and has 4 grown children and 9 grandchildren. He asked if it was too soon to be falling in love with me and told me that we were soul mates. He knew exactly what to say! One night we were supposed to meet, he was leaving work and then he disappeared, I couldn’t reach him by phone or text. He texted an hour later and said his wife had left him for another man. He begged me to promise him that we would be together. He was very upset, too upset to call, only text (hello red flag). I told him I had serious doubts about things working out between us because of his work travel and lack of time for a relationship. He said “silly woman, I have no doubts at all.” I fell for it hook, line & sinker. The next night, my husband was again in the hospital, so I met my N in a town 30 minutes away. He had to work late and the customer was putting him up in a hotel. I drove to the hotel and he was in the bar. He said he had to send an email for work, so we sat in the bar, with him drinking and supposedly trying to compose this email while I sat there, bored. Eventually we went up to the room and started kissing, then he stopped and said he really had to finish the email. Another 30 or so minutes later and we finally went to bed. He had drank quite a bit by this point and he didn’t have an orgasm, which I thought was odd. I ended up leaving about 5 am because I just didn’t feel right and I had to let my dogs out. I got lost and tried to call him on my way home and he never answered. The next day I emailed him my concerns about that night, his drinking, his ignoring me, etc. He called me (he had stopped responding to email right after I met him for coffee, he only texted or called, saying email was the worst possible form of communication). He gave me a HUGE guilt trip about leaving him alone in a hotel room. He totally turned everything around so that I was the bad guy, I was married and left him alone in a hotel and I was a distraction from his job and his children. I ended up apologizing for my feelings and my doubts. Another couple weeks of him traveling and working and standing me up several times, always with great excuses, usually involving his kids. He either had no time for me at all or we’d spend hours on the phone and he’d say the most romantic, amazing things. It was a roller coaster of emotions for me, I never knew what to expect. I fell more and more “in love” with the things he was saying to me. Because I don’t like lying or cheating or sneaking around, I ended up telling my husband I wanted a divorce. This was horrible and sad but I thought it was the only way my N and I could be together and I thought that was what we both wanted. After the fact, my N said “I’m not the guy you leave your husband for” which made no sense to me, since he was telling me we should be together and how could that happen if I were still married? I realize now it was the most honest thing he ever said to me. Finally, we had the chance to meet again, but I had to drive 4 hours to a town south of here. The first night I got halfway there and he said he got bumped from his flight in Chicago. Turns out he was drinking in a bar and missed his flight. I got pissed and we fought and said “you are not dumping me while I’m in the Chicago airport” and he hung up on me. I called him back and begged him to talk to me. Drove home, got up the next morning and drove 4 hours to meet him at the airport. His flight landed and I waited and waited and waited. Eventually, about 45 minutes later, he came out. He said he’d gotten a work call. He drank and drank and drank and drank on this trip. Lunch, drinking, hotel, drinking, he had to go into work for a few hours, I had to drive. Then more drinking, dinner, drinking and work phone calls. He basically ignored me. Back to the hotel, more drinking and another work call. I finally threw a pillow at him and got pissed. He then proceeded to say things like “wow, we are already fighting, this will never work”, “you knew this was a work trip” etc. I, of course, apologized and then we had sex. Again it was odd, with him finally having an orgasm after several hours. I drove home the next day and he texted me that night and told me he was having an “I hate my life” moment. I was half asleep but woke right up, called and he was very drunk and he ended up telling me I had too much drama in my life. I was devastated and spent the whole night texting and calling, which he ignored. I ended up calling his hotel room the next morning and waking him up. He apologized then said he was flying to another state for work. I didn’t hear from him much that weekend, just two very brief calls. I still had the flight schedule link for his trip and checked it to see when he was coming home. The link showed he’d changed flights and wasn’t leaving to go out of state for 3 more days. I confronted him about that and he said I needed a hobby and the link was wrong. I called the hotel in the city here and they transferred me to his room, which meant he was still there! The hotel in the other state didn’t have him registered. Even though I knew he was lying, I made excuses for him, I figured maybe he’d come back home to see his kids and didn’t want me to know. That weekend was horrible for me, emotionally, I almost drank for the first time in 13 years and was very insecure, emotional and upset. I felt needy and out of control. I even looked up an old friend who knew us both 20 years ago and hung out with her, just to see what she could tell me about him. She said he was a horrible womanizer and a user. When I asked him about that he said that he was that way, 20 years ago and that “from time to time you might run into a woman who is disgruntled with me” which I thought was cute and funny of him to say. (what an idiot I was). The following Tuesday was my birthday and he turned back into Prince Charming that day. He called, he texted, he sent my best friend a message, reassuring her that he did love me. I fell completely back under his spell. When I told him I was getting an apartment he said “I’ll be there as often as I can and we will have our own place soon, I hope” Fast forward a month, I’d moved out of my house, been stood up by him countless times, put up with a ton of drunken, late night calls. He made dates to see me then kept me waiting for hours on end, using his kids as an excuse, saying he was waiting on his ex to come get them and she was late and I’d wait and wait and eventually not hear anything at all for a few hours. I’d get pissed and text that I was finished with him and then he’d text or call with some amazing excuse, making me feel like a horrible person for being upset. It was always something to do with his kids. This happened several times. I now realize he got off on the power he had to keep me hanging all day like that. He would call and make an excuse to get off the phone and say he’d call back and not call back. He fell asleep, got a work call, both phone batteries died, he was drunk in a bar at the hotel. I kept getting pissed and trying to break up with him and he’d talk me out of it. He’d call every morning on his way to work but the phone calls were brief and usually him bitching about something. He didn’t really seem to care about what was going on in my life at all by this point. I also noticed that, unless he was drunk in a hotel room out of town and wanted to talk, most of our calls lasted 7 minutes. I even wrote a poem about how 7 minutes wasn’t enough. He told me he was putting more effort into our relationship than anything else in his life and made my complaints about wanting to spend more time together seem immature somehow. He had tons of excuses not to see me when he was in town and he’d only text not call when he was at home. He promised his kids that he wouldn’t make phone calls when he was with them, that was his main excuse. One night he took his sons to a ball game and was going to come over and spend the night with me afterward. He texted that he would call when they got home, hours later, in the middle of the night, he texted that he’d fallen asleep. I asked how that works, he knows I’m waiting for him, he’s driving home and then suddenly he’s asleep? But still I didn’t end things. I let him do this to me over and over. He also would constantly tell me I was crazy and needed a hobby. He said I was bi-polar and he never knew what mood I was going to be in. I tried to break up with him, over and over and would somehow end up begging him to forgive me for doubting him. One day I got fed up after he stood me up yet again. I drove to his house. He was on the phone in his kitchen, and he could see me at the door and tried to wave me away. I didn’t budge, determined to end it once and for all. He came outside and said his kids were home sick from school, so I left, he always made his kids an issue between us, even though I knew I could love them, he acted like I resented them and would start arguments where he said that his kids were the most important thing in the world and I was distracting him from them. He said couldn’t introduce me to them yet because they were so upset about their mom’s boyfriend and he’d never do anything to hurt them. He called right after I left his house and said I could never do that again, not to ever come over unannounced like that. I agreed, apologized, etc. He said “don’t be sorry…I need to respect your need and you mine…I was not and am not ignoring you..It is not uncommon for me to go a day or two without having all the time I need, doesn’t mean I don’t care” He kept promising to fly me to where he was when he’d go out of town (because that was somehow easier than seeing me in the same town we both live in!) and then something would come up. This happened over and over. I’d get mad and want to end it and he’d somehow twist things so I was being unreasonable and demanding. I really don’t even know what he was getting out of our relationship, except maybe a power trip? To know he could keep me dangling and treat me like shit and I’d keep begging for more? I lost sleep, lost weight, thought I was going crazy. By this time I figured out he wasn’t really separated from his wife and that he’d told me a ton of lies. It seemed like things started to cave in on him, his lies made less and less sense and he was drinking all the time, acting very odd and texting strange messages. But, I somehow couldn’t let go. I asked him if I should get a boyfriend to fill the empty time that I spent waiting for him and he said No, that he really meant No. So, to get his attention and see what he’d do, I met a guy from craigslist for coffee one night. Boy did that make him mad! I told him I spent two hours at Starbucks talking to the guy and he said that wasn’t fair, he was jealous of this guy getting to spend time with me when he didn’t. He was always asking me if I’d slept with other people from the beginning, saying he didn’t want me to kiss anyone but him, not even my husband. The craigslist thing was totally innocent, nothing happened but he was so upset with me over it I was literally shaking from fear of him breaking up with me. I told him I was scared that he didn’t really love me, that it was all a lie and that I was so scared I was shaking. His response was “are you sure you didn’t catch something from craigslist guy?” He was at the airport and said he wanted me to come up to see him but I wanted to talk about us. I said that I realized I shouldn’t have taken the things he said to me seriously and he said “I think we should talk about that when we can see each other” and I got upset saying “that’s NEVER”. He said this wasn’t the response he was expecting, he was about to get on a plane and I was supposed to be happy that he was going to fly me to see him. He deflected all my fears and concerns, again. That night he didn’t call until late (said he’d fallen asleep) and he was acting very weird. He said he was trying to book me a flight. I knew he was lying, my gut knew that the jig was up. I kept hearing someone cough in his room and he said it was the tv then tried coughing himself to cover it up. By this point I felt like I was playing a game of chicken with him. I had no intention of getting on the flight if he actually booked one, I just wanted to see if he’d do it. He kept coming up with reasons to get off the phone and then calling back. He said his battery was almost dead on both phones (yes he has two numbers) and he had to charge them in the hotel room bathroom. He said his laptop wasn’t working and then he made a fatal error, he gave me his AA advantage log in to book a flight, he said to put the flight on hold and he’d finalize it. I said I’d pay the taxes, they were only $5 and he said it was more complicated than that, at which point I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he never intended to fly me up there. I mentioned that I was surprised by his password and he said all his passwords were that word. We got off the phone, with him saying he was going to finalize the flight and then call me back, which I knew wouldn’t happen. I then logged into his email using the password he had given me for his AA account and he had over 18,000 emails! He belonged to a ton of Adult Friend Finder sites, one for every city. He was a member of a ton of porn sites (I knew, by then, that he was a sex addict, he masturbated constantly and had convinced me to send him explicit photos and have skype sex a few times. He had mentioned, earlier that day, that he’d masturbated in the bathroom of the American Airlines executive lounge which I thought was odd of him to tell me). He also had other girlfriends, from his past like me. He even had sent out the exact same email to several women back in September, just like the one he sent me, with the subject line of “how’s my hair?”. One of the other women emailed him while I was reading his messages. She had been with him that weekend he said he was in another state! Her email said she was sad and cried all the time and wanted to end things but couldn’t, that she knew he didn’t love her and needed to hear him say it. I could have written it myself. I emailed her and sent some of the evidence I’d collected, emails to AFF members about how he was looking for a LTR and was relocating to their city, nasty chat sessions where he was just about cyber and skype sex and was a totally different person than the “mr. you are my soul mate” he was with her and I, stuff like that. Ironically, an email came from AA confirming that he had changed his password right after we got off the phone. I laughed at that, he was sober enough to remember to do that but not to think I might get into his email. I guess he had to get back to his “coughing television” in the next room at that point. I sent him a text that maybe he could fly the other woman out and he should have never told me his password. The next morning he called 6 times in a row, then left a message that I owed it to him to talk before I “did anything crazy”. I never responded. Since I believed him when he said that he hadn’t had sex at all since the affair in Europe and I believe him when he said we’d be together and that he wanted a child with me, we had unprotected sex. I went to a clinic the next day and got tested for everything. Got a very painful shot and it was humiliating. The results came back as possible exposure to herpes. I guess that’s not the worst thing that could have happened. I had previously found a blog by a woman who had commented on his Facebook pictures a lot. They had dated when he was in an Asian country and she was there teaching. Her blog said they were going to get married, he denied it, saying she never meant anything to him and he never slept with her. Since her blog said they were waiting to get married to have sex, I believed him. He said she was delusional (he had lots of psycho and delusional ex’s, in fact one of the times I broke up with him I told him to be sure and tell the next girl I was crazy and never meant anything to him. He was very upset when I said that. Turns out I hit the nail on the head and didn’t even know it.) Well, the very next day after I got into his email, she blogged that she’d drunk dialed him and he’d called her back and they talked for hours. I sent her a message, too. I have no idea what she did because she hasn’t blogged since. At that point I had already posted about him on dating psychos and don’t date him girl. I then decided to email his wife, who had never left him at all. I decided that since I knew where he lived and worked, where she worked and where the kids went to school, and he wasn’t selective about who he was in touch with, anyone could find these things out and he might hurt the wrong woman and that could put her and his kids in danger. (In fact, one bizarre incident was him emailing the mother of a girl he was trying to hook up with on facebook who had died of a drug overdose and sending me a copy of the email. At the time it was a huge red flag for me but I, once again, ignored my gut instincts). I sent his wife all the evidence from his inbox. Then I got really scared because I hadn’t realized at the time I committed a felony by getting into his email! So I tried to delete the things I’d posted about him but you can still google his name and get the cached version on dating psychos. A week after all this happened he sent me a text, asking how it feels to break up a family, threatening revenge and saying he’d never asked me to leave my husband, and that I caused him to lose his children. He said I should send his kids a birthday card and $25 with a note about how I was sorry for taking their father from them. (somehow it wasn’t his actions that caused any of this, it was me, I’m to blame). My husband called him and left him a message to never contact me again. He texted an apology to my husband saying he was “just bummed about losing my boys, man”. And that’s the last I’ve heard from him. I don’t even know for certain if his wife did get my email, did take his kids from him because he really did lie about everything. The other woman I emailed, the one who was with him when he said he was out of state, emailed back and thanked me for breaking the spell. He told her that I’d used her email address when creating the fake email address I used to email his wife (a lie). She emailed me yesterday and said she's deleted him from her life. She said he offered many apologies for leading me on but none for hurting her. I'm sure he's only sorry for leading me on due to the consequences and not because he hurt me (and her and many others). It’s been very hard, I think I was addicted to him. Even though I only saw him 3 times (4 if you count the few minutes on his front porch) I miss his calls, his lies, the fake world he created. I don’t miss questioning my own sanity, ruining my life, breaking up my family, not being able to eat, etc. My husband took me back but the same problems we had before are still there and made worse by what I did. I am paying rent on an apartment I don’t live in, am trying to mend fences with my four stepchildren, etc. etc. At least I don’t cry every day anymore, like I did when I was with him.
May 11, 2011 - 11:14pm (Reply to #44)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

wow this brought back a memory

one of the girls my ExN had an affair with left her husband for him. I later found the text messages going back and forth between them in his deleted file (you gotta love smart phones these days..everything is retrievable!) He was always drunk when with her, and could never get off. We went to counseling over it, and he claimed she was a "mercy F*CK" if you can believe. The truth is, she was an ego stroke for him. she was much younger than he was, and unfortuantely very gullible. He was unkind to her. 3 months into their fling, making many excuses as to why he stood her up repeatedly, he just said to her.."there is no relationship, there has never been a relationship here." He D&D her, and it was all there in the deleted texts. I feel bad for her, she left her husband for a total of 3 nights of bad sex with a married alcoholic. Can you believe that I feel bad, even though she was the OW??
May 13, 2011 - 2:30pm (Reply to #45)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

haha, I left mine for two

haha, I left mine for two nights of sex with a married alcoholic (although the sex was "good" for me at least) The longer I live, the less I blame the OW's...at least 90% of the time its a lying ass man who hurts both his wife and the OW (and her family)
May 7, 2011 - 2:10pm (Reply to #42)
Steph
Steph's picture

wacaet

Thanks for sharing your story. First of all, congratulations on 13 years of sobriety. That is commendable for sure! This guy sounds like a real dud, to say the least. I'm sorry for what he put you through. He really took advantage of a woman going through troubles within her marriage....typical of them. The lies, the cheating and womanizing, followed with charm, the way he twists things back to you so you end apoloogizing for HIS behaviour......describes the dynamics of a toxic relationship indeed. I am so happy you are out of this. You have come along way in your life obviously, with 13 years sobriety, and being with him almost compromised that as you said you almost had a drink....so glad you didn't! Hang in there and stick with NC. You've proven to yourself once that you can overcome an addiction, now you will prove it to yourself again with getting over this ass. xoxo
May 8, 2011 - 12:05am (Reply to #43)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

thank you for reading my

thank you for reading my story! I couldn't believe how long it was. Only 3 months and I only saw him in person 3 times and yet so damn much to write about (and I didn't even write it all). This board is great and just what I needed.
May 7, 2011 - 1:40pm (Reply to #39)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Thank you so much for sharing

Thank you so much for sharing this. I swear me and you must've had the same N or we're twins from another lifetime . Because I did the exact same thing I got into my N's email account and found the exact same stuff adultfriend finder, porn sites, sex pill emails about satisfying your women, and lets not forget about the hypnosis crap. Dumbo left it up one night when he passed out from another drunken stooper. I tell you I found pictures of other women . I found out he cheated on me with one other woman but was talking sexually with atleast 2 others . So thats a total of four women he probably cheated with and lets not even mention others in the past. smh my ex N sent the women the same videos saying the same thing like this is what he wants to do to them or this is how he feels. His OW he is with now was the one he cheated on me with that I found out about first. When he D&D 'd me this last time I sent her a message on FB trying to tell her it was others all she did was go run back and tell him what I said and she is still with him. Dumb broad. Her husband is supposely leaving her so she is afraid to be alone so clinging onto the N like he is a prize can't wait till she gets the real him. that will be my payback.
May 8, 2011 - 12:04am (Reply to #40)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

I was so glad when the other

I was so glad when the other woman believed me and cut him out of her life. Her email to him was exactly how I felt and it made me so angry that he was doing that to us! What a JERK! It's scary how many of these guys there are out there and how us women, with our kind and loving hearts get sucked in. My best friend kept warning me about him, she told me he was psychotic and I thought she was just too hard on him. I even stopped talking to her about him because I didn't want to hear it. She saw so clearly what I couldn't see.
May 11, 2011 - 8:36pm (Reply to #41)
dulte
dulte's picture

I kind of want to warn her

My best friend warned me since day one my N husband wasn't good, she said she couldn't put her finger on it but there was something fishy there.... I stopped talking to her for a year and a half. She as a true friend was ready to take me back after NH destroyed my life. Now I feel like I want to warn his new girl about the kind of man he is, not because I'm jealous but because I wouldn't want anyone experiencing what I went through. They started going out when him and I were still together and she called if off when she found out he was married. Now, 5 months after I ran away, they're back together.. So I'm pretty sure he has managed to charm his way in....
May 7, 2011 - 5:51am
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Hang On to Your Seats. . .

. . . This is one helluva bumpy ride! I was involved with my narc for a number of years. Knew him locally through friends. He was dating someone else when we met, they broke up, I slept w/him, he decided to date another woman. I was gutted. Felt used. But decided it was for the best if he could treat me that way. Fast forward 2 yrs. when his girlfriend broke up with him. He came to me for NS. For a year and a half, when his girlfriend would cut the NS umbilical cord, he'd come to me and I'd relent, thinking at some point he would stay with me. Lather, rinse, repeat. I fell deeper and deeper in love. The more nice/jerk he was, the more I fell. Finally, he and the girlfriend split for good after becoming engaged for 3 months. He came back to me after a period of mourning over the girlfriend but kept me at arm's length by saying he didn't want a relationship. I resisted sex for a while, gave in, then felt foolish. Then I resisted for a solid year. Finally I broke down in November after a couple of failed relationships where the men also told me, "I like you but I guess I don't want a relationship." These were nice guys, and I figured if they didn't want a relationship, no one would. So, I also figured I might as well go back to the narc. Better the devil you know, right? Basically I gave up on men entirely. Feeling lonely and sexually deprived, I let the narc have his NS. For me, it was supply, too, although ultimately unsatisfying because I still wanted a relationship with someone. I *really* wanted one with the narc. I loved him. We laughed so much and he actually asked questions about me like he cared about me -- something I never got from my ex-husband or other boyfriends. In Dec he left to work in another country for the winter. He invited me to visit him there. I was shocked at the invite -- it seemed such a big step for him! So, of course, I jumped at the chance. He sent me love notes beforehand via email -- something he'd never done. We had a wonderful trip. I returned here and only heard from him sporadically. He returned in Feb due to unforseen circumstances. He was at times available and at times aloof. I was perpetually confused. Then he gave me a speech about how he still wasn't over his girlfriend who'd left him 2 years ago and how he still didn't want a relationship. I put my foot down. I said, "If two years and a great vacation didn't work for that, I give up on you. I'm hanging my jock and hitting the showers. I'm DONE." We agreed to be friends. The next week I saw a post on his fb wall, "Miss you already!" This was from a woman I didn't know. It was also exactly what I texted him when I'd left our vacation a month and a half prior. A week after that, he sends a proxy to the pub we would hang out at. The proxy says he met the girl a week after I left the vacation. He met her in the foreign country while she was on vacation and she lives in the US. Not only that, she's rich, beautiful, tall, wonderful. She and my NS have sex "constantly" and are now with each other 24/7. I am basically tossed out like an empty gin bottle. A week after *that* I find out he married the woman. Now. . . it's been a month and a half of nc. Not that he would care to hear from me anyway. I am gutted and confused. How could he tell me for *years* he didn't want a relationship, pay for me to come on vacation, write me wonderful things, come home, meet someone else, then marry *her*??? My head is spinning like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. My brain is short circuiting. Ugh. I am so glad I found this board!!!
May 12, 2011 - 11:19pm (Reply to #37)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

impossible

His new marriage is impossible. He did you a huge favor, and believe it or not it was the greater act of love to leave you behind(not that N.'s can love.) If you have a couple of nice vacation memories to look back on when you are 80, tuck those away in safekeeping. The rest of him, needs to be brought out to the curb with the rest of your garbage. Be really thankful he didn't ask you to marry him. Be really thankful that you won't have him as a husband giving you mixed signals everyday for the rest of your married days (it is draining and no way to have a marriage.)They don't change. They cannot be trained. He will cheat repeatedly on her. He will probably contact you for NS as soon as he is bored (which doesn't take them long.) Start thinking about the mean things you wikll say to him when he does contact you, because he probably will. Stay far away from him, please..you deserve better. I know you want someone in your life, but not this monster
May 7, 2011 - 1:00pm (Reply to #35)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I totally understand how you

I totally understand how you feel my ex N wanted to marry me but the reasons were not geniune moreso for financial reasons. I call it he wants a "mule" . A mule is a woman/man that a narc with marry or have a relationship with for financial, and controlling reasons. Its not for love its for some kind of gain. Oh and they cheat , and abuse the hell out of the "mule" too. So don't feel bad he married that "mule" for her money and to be connected to that money.
May 8, 2011 - 6:42am (Reply to #36)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Oh he'll totally cheat

Thanks for reading my story and replying. "Mule" is a good way to put it. He has a history of cheating (which, in my love blindness I conveniently chose to ignore). What I keep telling myself is that he was/is/always-will-be a cheater. He would have been for me, he will be for her. Still. . . the whole thing hurts like a hari kari knife to the gut.
May 4, 2011 - 9:18pm
LilithErisRose
LilithErisRose's picture

LilithErisRose's Story

LilithErisRose’s story: I met my N 20 or so years ago in the townie bar. We were always casual “friends”. He is 15 years older than me. He was local bad boy biker with the rep of protecting women. He was a big deal nationwide in his motorcycle club. He was an interesting person to know. He was smart, eloquent and always put a smile on my face when I saw him. I always looked up to him and thought he was a great person. We would talk for hours when I’d run into him here and there over the years. We had lots of mutual friends. I ended up moving out of state and marrying a guy I met from high school from our hometown. I was with x-H for 12 or so years. My H ended up with an alcohol problem. 4 years ago I started to go the painful process of a divorce. I ran into N in the beginning stages of it. I think I was prime target material. Co-Dependent from living with an alcoholic and no self-esteem because the love of my life chose a bottle over me. N was also mid-divorce (4th). Never even knew he was married once never mind FOUR TIMES. We went out in my mind the first time as friends. I wanted to ride. I love to ride. He had to get out of hometown to be able to do it. He instantly started turning on the charm. Ladies don’t pay. Doors open. I was attention starved and he was more than happy to heap it on me. If I went to the ladies room he had one of his club members act as my body guard. (Like I need a body guard… but it was extremely flattering). He played to every weakness I had… needing to be protected, paid attention to, all the way down to my need to nurture and fix. He treated me like a princess and was asking me to marry him within months. I wish I could pin when it flipped. I know I would start to get panic attacks but I blamed them on the divorce. It might have been when my prom date from when I was 15 reached out to me to tell me he and his wife and kids were moving back to town and he wanted to get all his high school friends together. The first question out of N’s mouth was… did you sleep with him? Ummm… yeah if that’s what you call it back 20 years ago in high school. Then there were my male friends that had to go. Every single one of them I got grilled about and accused of crazy crap. I chalked it up to him being extremely jealous, controlling and extremely insecure. I tried to talk about it. Told him his insecurity and jealousy would be the end of us. I thought that I had it figured out… that his insecurity was a result of all his failed marriages. (Insert buzzer noise here… ) Things were not right. He slipped one night and said something about having FIVE kids. I was like... you have four. “Well four I know of”. Turns out there is a fifth that he insists the baby momma refused to name him as the father. (I know there has to be more to this story it just make not a damn’s worth of difference at this point). Then I caught him talking with the woman that his fourth wife divorced him about. He surrounds himself with female friends and eats up being fawned over by them. But it was disastrous if I even stood to close to a man in line at the grocery store. We’d go to his motorcycle clubs different club houses in different states and I’d get the cold shoulder from the other biker girlfriends and wives. Some would make comments like… have fun with him. Everyone else did. Very just off-kilter stuff. But I loved him. And I thought he loved me. And I thought the whole biker culture thing was just a huge divide. There is more about this but it doesn’t really matter. They were some of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of getting acquainted with... at least on a surface level. He was like the perfect duality. White collar job by day President of a motorcycle gang by night. What a friggin joke. He constructed this “world” where he was untouchable and above reproach. I would never know if I did something wrong. I could go days thinking everything was fine and suddenly I was sucker punched. My shirts were too low. My bras weren’t the right bras. My pants were too tight. I couldn’t dress right to save my life. Mostly it was about my chest though. I’m a 38DD. Genetics were good to me. I don’t flaunt anything though and a dress conservatively. I have a white collar job. College educated. I’m pretty. I’m smart and I like socializing with people. Not flirting. Talking. Getting to learn about different aspects of life that I wouldn’t normally be exposed to. Wouldn’t matter if it was in an antique shop, a car show or a motorcycle shop. The gas-lighting began. I started taking notes while on the phone with him to make sure for my own sanity I remembered things as they really happened. I was constantly battling proving reality to him or defending myself or most times both. I would get hooked in with projection and doublespeak or backwards talk (terms I’ve all learned here by the grace of the gods). He used to love me so much. I couldn’t do anything right. I just wanted him to love me again. And then he would… and it was like a honeymoon all over again... for a few days and it would start all over again. Some perceived transgression or disrespect. For four years, it has been on and off, up and down. Highest highs, lowest lows. I have used drugs and drinking to cope/swallow the emotional and psychological abuse I subjected myself to. I would only do this with him. I lost friends. Family. Almost my job from constantly fighting with him. My body reacted to the stress with pains, rashes, migraines, and panic attacks. I knew something was wrong. I barely leave my house anymore. I isolate when I am depressed. I've been called a hermit. It's pretty close to the truth. I kept coming back to him like he was a bad drug. I turned to calling him Satan. His phone numbers were listed as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in my cell phone. We tried therapy. That turned into him trying to convince me and the shrink that I was a drunk because I went out for girl’s night once a week for happy hour. (I work from home.. I’m completely isolated from any social interaction). Laughable. I barely keep a bottle of wine in the house and … well… I have no money to go spend in bars. Having lived with an alcoholic this was one thing he would never be able to convince me of. It was brought up that I was on “meds”. Yes… I had situational depression at the beginning of my divorce. I took anti-depressants for three months. I’m not ashamed of that. I was divorced, foreclosed on, car repossessed and my dog died ON TOP of dating N. His cocktail of Xanax, valium and ambien were perfectly acceptable though as they were prescribed to him taken on a daily basis for the last four years paired with the cocaine. I took him back constantly. I would try to move on with my life during the cycles of discard. It would be ultimately held against me as lies or “unfaithfulness” and if I could just do the little things that he asked for everything with us would be perfect. It has been a horrible, horrible head trip and I am never strong enough to say no. N would joke that I broke him. He did this because I would fight his version of reality and be able to back it up with irrefutable facts. It was like he was proud of it. That he wanted to be with me forever because I was just like him. That no one ever spoke back to him like I did. That, as much of a challenge as I was, I was his “soul mate”. I would fall for this hook line and sinker. He has tortured me, verbally, mentally and emotionally. I stood up for myself at every turn but I always took him back. My best friend used to ask me what it would take. She was patient with me. I fully believe this is because she is four years clean and sober. The hell she walked through with drugs is probably the closest to anyone around here understanding me. I felt bad comparing it but street drugs don’t come knocking your door begging you to come back because things will be better. They don’t call you on the phone or show up at your work and do and say hurtful things like a 6 year old throwing a tantrum. Well… he finally found what broke me. I never would live with him. Call is survival instinct. I tried once and it went horribly. He packed and left one night. He was more drama than a knitting circle of grannies. I never let him move back in. He moved a ¼ mile down the road from me. I got a roommate. A good “friend”. She hated N. She watched all of our relationship. Part of her reason for moving in was to keep him away from me. Well this friend got caught up in the seedier side of the biker lifestyle. Heavy partying. I couldn’t take it. I told her I loved her but I couldn’t have her living with me. N was very sympathetic through this whole ordeal because of all I went thru with my alcoholic ex-H. At least that’s what he told me…. I went to house sit for my dad. I came back and I got the mother of all gut punches. N moved my roommate into his house. He might as well be living with my diary. The two of them now spin in their psychotic little cluster mess ¼ of a mile down the street. Her in full denial she’s an addict (and most likely mentally unstable at this point as well) and him who every single little thing is my fault. I can’t explain it any better than being psychologically raped. He’s threatened to share intimate pictures of me that he took without my knowledge with everyone he knows. He texts me that he wants to make me a whore so he can say “I told you so”. 2 days prior he was telling me I was the love of his life and trying to suck me back in. He’s delusional that I dress provocatively. That I flirt or hang on men… apparently being able to carry a conversation is threatening. I’m a beautiful, intelligent, kind, caring person who had my self-esteem torn apart by my divorce and then further ripped to shreds. I was the perfect target for his narcissistic, insecure, insignificant, immature psyche. I forget that daily. He played on my biggest fears of being alone and never having a family. I still deal with a lot of shame that I let this happen to me. That I wasn’t strong enough to see it coming and that I wasn’t smart enough to pay attention and not keep myself if a fog thinking things would just get better if…. My goal is to stay strong. To continue to work on my self-esteem, learning how to not blame myself and not give up anymore than I already have. I try to keep myself surrounded by positive energy and people that love and care about me as well as accept me without judgment or criticism. I try to take it day by day. I find a lot of solace here as well as in NA rooms. I’m an addict; not of the traditional sense but an addict of sorts nonetheless. I know my pattern of slipping just as much as I know his cycles and tricks. Winter was supposed to be my recovery time so that the sound of a motorcycle didn't trigger me. It didn't work. I'm always looking for the tricks. Someday I hope I can have a normal relationship again. I'm honestly scared to even try. I need to get myself to stop renting space to him in my head first. Anyway.. .thank you for listening. Love, Honor & Respect - L.
May 12, 2011 - 11:32pm (Reply to #33)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

obsessing over N's

Lisa has a great article on this site about obsessing over our EX N's. It has been very helpful for me. Everytime I get obsessed or struggle with my decision to end things I hop on this site and read the pain these monsters have caused others. It is like a sure diet plan. NC is the ony way to go. He is a drug addict, and abuser, a definite N. and possibly a P. He has a lot of issues you cannot save him from himself. I know you said you met him whike divorcing and losing everything. That might be the problem. Your self esteem might have already been at an all time low when you met him, and then you figured he was your answer. Men are rarely the answer, that is what I have learned. Hope you are using this time to love yourself, be good to yourself and heal. Hugs!
May 3, 2011 - 10:41am
heritage
heritage's picture

Means to an End

I am 3 mos out of a 5 yr relat. w/ N and it's a struggle. I met him at a wedding thru friends of mine. We were both going thru a divorce. He charmed me the night I met him at the wedding. We started seeing each other the next day and boy did he sweep me off my feet. The first time we were intimate I was uncomfortable because it felt mechanical and cold (something I was in previously and didn't want again) so I decided to tell him. Well, He changed himself instantly and I thought it was odd. He told everyone the same story about his past. He left his wife because she was abusive and his 2 kids didn't talk to him because she used parent alienation. I believed him for awhile. But he walked out on them and didn't tell his 11 and 14 yr olds he was leaving. He stayed in a hotel for a year then bought another house and filed for divorce. His kids haven't not spoked to him in 10 years. He let me read the div doc and in it it talked about the suicide attempts by his ex. I was in disbelief. $ times she attempted. It didn't disclose any info and I asked him why and he said "I don't know. She tried to blame it on me. I stuck by him. I believed him. His kids were not allowed to saty with him while she was committed. There were red flags.My N treated me like royalty, buying me very expensive things, taking me everywhere and giving me cards with the most heartfelt words. He introduced me to his family right away, put pictures up of me everywhere in his house and telling me he had found the one and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was very sneaky, paranoid and moody. He showed no emotion and I was the warmth in the relationship.When we had a disagreement I was punished with the silent tratment. He was doing a lot of things under the table with his divorce and it bothered me. He had no conscience and could care less. He talked a lot about our future. Once I was divorced he was buying us a home at the ocean, a fancy car (he owns 2 mercedes) and wanted to get me the convertible, because I would look Hot" in it blah blah blah. He's extremely wealthy and A doctor. The charming continued for 3 years with bumps along the way. His divorce was finalized and mine was next. He promised me many things after my divorce to help me along.(car, med ins, $2000/month for rent, etc)As soon as I filed for divorce in June 2010 he started pulling away. I questioned him about it and he denied it. He would get very angry telling me he's "waiting on the sidelines until my divorce." It made no sense and I told him when I need you the most you're not around. He stopped taking me to parties we were invited to and I was always crying and asking him why and his response "Because I didn't want to take you." He expected me to accept that. Then his calls were getting less and less and when I asked him he replies "I don't like talking on the phone." I was scared and confused because my div couldn't happen without his help. Husband had lost his job and when finally rehired his salary was a lot less. He was becoming verbally abuse, withdrew, silent treatment and PA behavior was showing up. I called him on his horrible treatment, he denied it and withdrew.As far as our sex life he was constantly badgering me to have anal sex and I told him no. It wasn't for me. He told me he had it with his gf before me and he dated her 8 mos and then she broke it off. I asked him why he said he didn't know but he did "have an interest in her." In June 2009 we were on his bed and I was laying on my stomach. He was rubbing himself on me and I told him he knew the rules and he said I won't go near you there. Well it happened. All of a sudden he pushed himself into my rectum. I was hysterical. I jumped off the bad screaming and crying in pain. I was in shock. He said "sorry it was an accident." i was in so much pain, locked myself in his bathroom, wrapped a towel around me and cried while I tended to my bleeding rectum. All this time I believed it was an accident. I'm naive but I fewlt raped both emotionally and physically. Later that night he sent me a lousy text asking how I was. I believed it was an accident because I couldn't imagine him doing it on purpose knowing I wouldn't conscent to it. My friends and therapist straightened me out. It was no accident. We went to a diner for lunch and I didn't like my meal and he kept asking me if I wanted anything else and I told him no and he lost it. He screamed "Get the F... out of my life!" I started crying and literally ran out of the diner. He ran out and stood next to my car window. I ws afraid of him. He did say sorry but it was empty. TRhen in Aug 2010 we were in a hotel and he was quiet at dinner adn moody. He told me he didn't want to stay over (it's 1 am) and if I didn't pack up my things he was leaving me there. I told him leave me, I wasn't getting in the car. I started crying, I didn't recognize this man that said he was madly in love with me. He said sorry but it was empty. We had seasons tickets toa college football team and the last game (which he knew I really wanted to go to ) I get a text telling me"I am not going to the game on Sat. You can have the tickets if you want." So I call him, text, etc he won't resppond. I was hurt so I decide to call him on his offer and I tell him I'l take the tickets and his respone "I'll tape them to my door." I almost died. So I go over to his house because he refuses to talk to me and I pack my things. He asked what I am doind and I tell him I am done. I want out. He begs me to stay (Oct 2010) div is 2 mos away. He told me everything he promised he wants to deliver, blah, blah, blah. So I remain with him. I told him his actions don't meet his words and he says "stop throwing my words up in my face." Now when I go over his house his new thing is "I am busy and he would go in other room on his computer while I sat in den alone." His verbal abuse was getting worse, his calls were infrequent and when I tried to talk to him he ignored me. Nov arrives and he tells me to put my div on hold because he has "trust issues." Now he's exremely abusive , no longer allowed to enter his home with my ke (locked me out), barely calling but telling me I love you, I miss you. Dec arrives I put my div on hold and he disappears. I ask him if he ende our relationship and he texts "No you ended it. I don't trust you." He wouldn't give me my things back. In Jan I ended up in crisis unti at ER. I was despondent over everything. How he turned on me, disappeared, without a conv after 5 years. When I sent him an email about everything he had promised and he reponded with "You're delusional>' He used my ER visit against me. I have not talked to him since Jan. I went to a hockey game in March and out he walks with former gf from 2004 that had ditched him and the one he had anal sex with. It brought the rape back and I have been in therapy ever since. Now I wonder when he actually started up with old gf again? I'm having a hard time right now. He screwed my head up. Just like he did hers. Do you think it will work with gf. He never liked the fact thst she ditched him. He never got to devalue or disc ard her. I went to the ocean on Sun and he was there with her. He's charming her. I always took him to that beach. He had never been there and now he's bringing her. His devaluing was the worst. When his mask was off (before I knew about this disorder) I told him you're treating me like an enemy and you're acting like a stranger. He said "Get out of my life!" Once I started calling him on his beh he was done. I told him if you want to be on a pedestal u have to treat me right. He hated that I figured him out. He now smears me to his office staff and family. Just like he did to his ex. This is my story.
May 12, 2011 - 11:42pm (Reply to #31)
mynewlife2011
mynewlife2011's picture

D&D- classic case

I could relate to several parts of your story. First, the way he walked out on his first wife and kids. My ExN did the same, making up lies and of course I later found out the real truth. He drove her to attempted suicide, just like my ExN drove his first wife Psychotic and drug addiction. These monsters damaged these womens souls permanently, and they never do recover. One thing about being with a N. you must maintain your independence. If they think you need them it no longer works. Always when the chips are down- they bail. Always. They don't do emotion, they will exploit weakness but they do not want to partner up with weakness. He did you a huge favor. I hope you maintain NC and learn from this. You deserve better. Stay in reality (reality is only his actions.) Forget all of his words (they were all lies to manipulate you and control you for his benefit at that time.) Hugs!
May 7, 2011 - 6:02am (Reply to #30)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

Oh My God

Big, big {{HUGS}}. I am SO sorry and crying for you! My narc also wanted anal sex, which I refused. Is this something common for them? I don't know what else to say but {hugs} {hugs} {hugs}.
May 4, 2011 - 9:00pm (Reply to #29)
LilithErisRose
LilithErisRose's picture

((HUG))

I just want to hug you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so very very sorry this happened to you. You aren't delusional (but somewhere I hope you know that). You were taken for one hell of a head trip. You deserved NONE of what happened to you.
May 3, 2011 - 5:19pm (Reply to #26)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I'm sorry you went thru this...

Your story touched my heart and I know what you're dealing with .All these arseholes are the same, this sounds like what happened to me too except the rape. But then again mines would wake me in my sleep and start it up with me. I wasn't even allowed a decent night sleep and of course I always falled in line thinking this was passionate love making at best. I will tell you right now what he is going to do with that ex becsuse I was her. He is gonna finish off what he left off . Don't feel bad shes next on his sick list of victims. She probably will get it worse than ever . Because she left him he is gonna make her pay for that .
May 3, 2011 - 5:45pm (Reply to #27)
heritage
heritage's picture

Thank you for writing to me.

Thank you for writing to me. it means a lot. You and I are on the same page with the ex. I realized since he likes doing the discarding and he did n't get to do it to this one, now's his chance. I went to therapy today but it's not going to work with this therapist because he doesn't know anything about NPD. He told me to move on. Ok so you were with an N and then got back together with same N?
May 3, 2011 - 6:24pm (Reply to #28)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Yes me and this N had got

Yes me and this N had got back together after being apart for 2 years. We have children together at the time that we got back together I had only one child then . And he had an relationship going for almost two years and told me nothing about it. I found out about her when she insisted he call me because "she wasn't comfortable with him staying in my home". See the whole time they were together he was trying to get back with me. I was with someone else and they passed away do you know this fool came 500 miles and my bf was not even luke warm in the grave and thought i was gonna hook back up with him. I turned him down. he went back to his state. Well at this time he was trying to get back with me that i found out about her he had told her i was offerring for him to stay with me for the week and he was gonna stay in my son's room. BULLSHYT ! i never told him anything like this. And when i rejected him with his attempt he then called me with her on the phone. and she told me alot of things i didn't know i told her i never knew about her and he was trying the whole time they were together. make a long story short he told me at first he wasn't coming and to leave him alone he was mad i told her the truth . then a week later he contacted me and told me he was coming and for good . i asked did he tell her he said yeah but after he came she called and confirmed he didn't. he is a liar then and still is one now.
May 3, 2011 - 9:14am
Merrylegsmom
Merrylegsmom's picture

My story

Thank you for allowing me to join this support network. This is hard for me to write about. I have been married twice. My first husband, was a nice mixture of borderline personality and nariccism. He lied, cheated, had nothing to offer except treating me like a princess in the beginning. We spent more time apart than together, break up after break up. I spent enough time to have two children and be lucky enough to raise them all by myself. I spent several years trying to rebuild from this craziness and three years just dating. I met a man, my neighbor, who seemed liked a true friend. I wasn't really attracted to him, but he was divorced with three children and after knowing him for two years, we married. It was nice for a very short while, mostly because I had a family, the one I grieved. I saw odd behaviors once in a while, but could never get my finger on it. He adopted both my children. After 8 years of marriage i left him, not contributing to household income, inconsistencies, fighting and the ulimtate he drugged my daughter while I was out of town on business. I left him and found out one year later, that he was molesting my daughter from age 5-9. This brings me to the more current state. I met my exN about a month before I found out about the sexual abuse. He was very into me, attentive and yes needy. I allowed him to cross boundaries quickly, ie being exhausted and allowing him to come over late to be with me and deprive myself of sleep. A month into the relationship the abuse story was disclosed and everything got crazy. My teenage son spiralled out of control, we were fearful for our lives because I was prosectuting my ex husband. I had no one but my exN for support. My exN was very supportive, there to protect us. Afterall, he told me he inherited over a million dollars and lived off his inheritance so he didn't work he had time to dote on me. This never sat well with me. How can a man have money and no ambitions? In anycase, he worked over time to show how much he was there to support me. At times, he would say "I don't know anybody that would put up with this, but I love you so much." There were drinking episodes that occured..He would drink so much and forget what he did or said. One time he got mad because I turned my son's cell phone back on after telling my son I was punishing him and turned it back on. I felt like it was not his business to tell me what to do, afterall he wasn't the father, and was only in my life a few months. He got so drunk, gave me the finger in a bar over and over. I was humiliated and left him. He called me a bunch of times and asked me to come get him. I went back, and by this time he was totally drunk. We were leaving this bar and he got so mad he punched my brand new car and left a huge dent in the side. We had a planned a trip to Key west two days later. I took him home dropped him off and said good riddance. I was mortified..he called and texted incessantly. I ignored. The next day I tried to find him, I couldn't find him. He took off for the beach as I later learned. The day we were scheduled to leave for Key West, I drove 5 hours to pick him up. Purchased plane tickets for our trip, since we were originally going to drive and now couldn't. We went on trip and he tried to be nice make it up to me, etc. This was one of many of his drunken stupors. In between, he was loving but controlling. Constantly using all the narc speak I have read on this website. I was vulnerable after all I had been through.. I was in therapy the entire time. Most of my sessions were consumed with trying to get my son back into control. Several more episodes, even one where I kicked my son out of house (totally inappropriate behavior towards me, tough love thing and hardest thing I ever did)..Note I really don't have much family support. I left my son come back and didn't tell my exN and he was blazing mad. "You let him back we are over, you never consider me in your decisions, you didn't even talk about this with me." UGHHHHH Then later when I told him he was asking me to choose between my son and him, he denied and it and said he was just trying to back me because I have no backbone. A few more drunken episodes and controlling behavior, and fast forward to September 2010. I had friends visit from out of state. Planned visit for over a year. My exN was all cool about it, we invited him to come to dinner, he declined. While out for dinner, my daughter got scared for she thought someone was breaking into our house (this was theme due to the ex husband and prosecution issues). She called my exN because he was our protetor. He called me after he checked everything out and everything was okay. He got pissed off at me and said I was selfish for not coming home. I explained, I had she called you and not me I didn't know and when I called her she said she was fine and I hadn't drove so I coulnd't leave. I was stuck and after all he had told me evertying was okay. That night he came back to house after dinner was already drunk and drank and drank..we got in huge fight because he told me I was selfish..I told him to leave..He left.. My friend who was visiting was very concerened about his drinking pattern. He began texting me the next two nights incessantly, I could tell he was drinking telling me I was a whore etc. I told him we were done...then what brought me back yet one more time to the exn...My ex husband who was being sentenced in two weeks for child molesation, committed suicide. What else could go on in this crazy year. Of course, I went back again to the support, hugs and illusion of love. One month later, he blew it again, because I went out with two friends, who I had cancecelled plans with twice, because he didn't like me going out. He would say' I always want to be with you, I don't know why you want to go out with people who aren't really your friends." I tried to explain that I had been through such a horrible couple of years and just needed to relax. Because he was so mad, I invited him to join. He ended up coming along, the entire time he thought I was trying to meet another guy. Which I wasn't, I was in love with my exN. We went to a bar/casino...he followed me everywhere. I drank too much myself, but became more mad..I saw how controlling he was..He grabbed my money from a slot machine and said we are leaving. I left my friends with no notice on the way out I was walking in front of him. He grabbed my arm and squeezed it so hard, he left a bruise.. I told him let go, he said, "I don't care who is watching, you don't walk away from me". We drove home, crazily fighting in car.. pulled in my driveway. He wanted my phone..there was nothing to hide he was out of control. He grabbed my spare phone which had old work contacts threw it on the ground and smashed it..he was beginning to scare me. I asked him to get out of car he would not..finally he did. I tried to pull away and he jumped on top of the windshield and threatened to punch the windshield. I already mentioned he punched my car. I finally sped away..Then he tried to reverse the whole thing on me, saying I ran over him. I left him lying in the road..that I wasn't sensitive to his feelings. I did not run over him. I was getting away. His grandmother had just died. blah blah. Then I did the unthinkable, i texted his mother and said he was out of control..with that my phone died. I was driving around crying no one to talk to couldn't go back to my house because he was there. After hours, I went back to house and he comes running out, like he was just waiting for me..I told him how bad he hurt me and all he could say is I was trying to meet some guy and that I was selfish. The next day, i receive a call from his mother asking how I was doing.. I felt bad but told her what happened. This is when all the lies surfaced. I learned, that he wasn't a millionaire, he didn't own a car and a house in California, he didn't own a condo in Arizona or a boat. He had taken me to Arizona over labor day that year and rented a condo and a boat and told me he owned them. I WAS livid..I was lied to so much!!!! That was it DONE FOR GOOD..(there were alot more lies too). In any case, then I received calls texts for weeks, he wouldn't leave me alone. The typical N pattern trying to get you back. Then one night he calls I don't answer and in the am I had several messages on my phone he was in ER. He said he was jumped and stabbed in the head. He kept asking me to come to hospital. I declined and finally, went picked him up dropped him off at his house and he was mad I wouldn't stay with him. Later I found out he was so drunk he fell and cracked his head. He never would really own that story. I went on through the holidays his birthday was on Dec 24. Before I left on a well deserved cruise with my kids, I dropped off a card and cookies at his house. He was already out of town in Vegas and back to his spot in Arizona, but I didn't know this. Then after the holidays, I got a text message to please just come see him. I BROKE DOWN AND WENT OVER. I explained I could not be with a liar and he lied. He denied it. I couldnt tell him who told me about the lies, his mother. She had supported him and he had lied to her outrageously as well. Finally, I told him I knew he was a fraud and he should have been honest with me. Then he semi-owned it. Told me he never lied to hurt me, he just wanted to give me everything and once he told the first lie he didn't know how to get out of it and eventually he was going to tell me. HA...This brings us to January of this year..He is going overboard with lovebombing trying to get me to allow him back into my life.. I was truly scared. I wanted to believe him soooooo bad.. he apologized over and over for lying and said he would never tell another lie ever again. He wanted to help me trust again. I was the only woman he ever loved, his soulmate etc. He gave me the crocodile tears when he would look in my eyes and tell me he loved me so much. I constantlty told him if you let me down again,you will kill me. He bought me flowers, a neckalce with I love you and his initals on the back. What made him mad was I woudn't let him back in my house. At this point, both my kids have lost total respect for me. They saw him for what he was. I was working through this in therapy. He came to the hospital when my daughter was sick and brought me food. I wouldn't allow him around my daughter because she had told me, she doesn't trust him and he is going to do something bad to you. In talking with my therapist, I told her he was the only one who was there for me through the nightmare I lived last year. He still is. We discussed breaking up. He cried and said, "no we can make this work, I love you and want you to be my wife. blah blah" So, I was trying to tell my kids I loved him and we were going to work things out. I explained my kids didn't trust him because I shared some of the things he had done in the past..lied. I also had read a book. The Sociopath Next door, while we were broken up. I had explained to my kids I thought he might be one. (Remmeber at that point I had no intention of going back). He got mad and said "you told the kids I was a sociopath, no wonder they don't like me. "You made me out to be like your ex husband." He took no ownership of his lies and how they led me and them to this conclusion. He was pushing me to tell children I wanted to be with him. Looking back a control issue. He was angry because he couldnt come sleep with me every night. In fact, I was secretly seeing him not to upset my kids. He had finally started working a job in the evenings working late into the morning hours. Every night asking me to sneak over. I would decline because of my daughter. Once or twice I gave in.. About two weeks ago, he kept asking to take me away for my birthday, which was in the middle of the week. I explained I work and can't just leave and leave my daugther alone. Again, looking back he wanted to make it look like he was doing something for me, but I really think he wanted me to choose him over my kids. I saw him three days before my birthday, he gave me a beautiful birthday card, "to my wife, I look forward to spending every birthday with you" He begged me to be strong and stand up to my kids and tell them they can't dictate my life. I wanted to but I didn't want to hurt them. He texted me telling me he would never hurt me or my daughter. He told me this over and over. He told me to tell my daughter that he loves me so much and would never do anything to hurt me. I stopped by the following day to see him for a few hours before picking up my daughter. I asked him if he really was sure about being with me forever, he looked in my eyes and cried and said "I want to grow old with you" Then he said if you were younger, I would want you to have my baby. (ouch). I had to go.. he did his normal walk me to the car..offered to go get me gas. Gestured as I pulled away, which he always does, I love you by touching his heart and throwing me a kiss. I drove away crying...I thought I love him so much..I just want a normal life where he can be with me no sneaking around. I want my kids to accept my choices. Wow...that night I called him he said he was at work, talked to me for a few minutes, told me not to worry be strong and he loved me and my daughter. He told me we can make it through anything..if we want to. Every morning, he usually texts me that he was home from work and then texts me to wish me a good day. This morning he didn't text. I was busy and didn't think a lot about it. I texted him told him I hoped he was sleeping. A few hours later, I called him, his phone went right into voice mail. I began to worry because he always calls me or texts me within the hour. I went about my work. Then the weirdest coincidence occurred. I received a forwarded email from his mom, who I had not talked to since January. It was an email about angels around you. At that moment, I felt I was suppose to go check on him. I drove over to his house, his truck was not there. Now I really was worried. I thought something had happened to him. I walked around back to his house and looked in window and saw his cell phone on counter. I thought he never goes anywhere without phone. I looked around his living room some more. Then I saw another phone on sofa and set of keys. Then the bomb, there on the floor were a pair of woman's sandals..my heart dropped..I couldnt believe it. Hours before he was telling me how much he loved me, we were going to work and that he wanted to be my husband. TOTAL Devastation. I banged on door, no one answered. I drove away and minutes later I called him, he now answers softly spoken. I asked where was he, he said he was at friends house he went out to bar last night and stayed at his house. At that moment, I knew he was in the house, because his phone was there. I said your truck isn't at your house, he said I know I am so and so's house. I asked how did you answer your phone, I saw your phone on counter. He tells me no I didn't. Then I said I saw a pair of woman's shoes on the floor. He said are you sure..Can you believe it!!! I turned around drove back and went back to the window I looked in and he now had pulled the blind. I could still see in, there he was picking up the said shoes, he jumped to the side. I looked right at him. I banged and banged on the door. He wouldn't answer. I drove away crying blasting him with hateful texts etc. How could I have trusted a liar..why would I have trusted him..my heart was truly broken..hours before he made love to me now he had another woman in his house. It hurt more than I could imagine. About an hour later I heard from him, he tried to say a friend had stayed at his house and it must have been his friend I saw, and later that I imagined it. I refused his calls and took one and screamed and yelled at how he hurt me. He continued to deny it. I began to dwelve into what the heck is wrong with me, why do I attract betayers, cheaters and liars? I read and read, joined support groups on line, saw my therapist. I have cried so much since that day. Then to make things even worse. This past weekend I was going to a country music concert which I originally invited him to go with. He knew I was going. He called me with a blocked number, I answered, he wanted to know where I was sitting. I was shocked...I couldn't believe he would go there with another girl knowing it would devastate me. WHY I proclaimed..he said fine I won't go and I am not going with a girl. Of course luck would have it, I saw him. I walked up to him and said I thought you were not going, he said "well I did". I told him all you were concerned about is her finding out about me and how you were with me when you met her. He walked away. Later, he and this chick parade right in front of me holding hands like he is her protector, like he once was mine. My heart nearly broke.. I stayed strong. I texted him once telling him she looked like a stripper, I know I shouldn't have done that but I was so hurt, and she did. The next day I was in the deepest fog of pain and hurt. The unbelievable callous nature of this person. So here I am today, 3 days post the concert. I received a nasty phone call message from him late that night telling me I should stay out of his business, I lost my chance and he has a right to be with woman and a wife who will love him like he deserves. Wow that hurt, too. He also called me a few more names. I made the decision not to call or text. He wants me to stay away because he doesn't want to have to explain me to her. So what, right. I don't need this. I am worthy of so much more. Yes, I am worthy.. I just can't believe what I put up with, how much I believed him. Now, my journey is to heal myself. I will heal the parts of me that allowed this relationship to even go as far as it did. I am exhausted by the anguish. I am left baffled how he could have loved so much and then just in an instant drop me. This site has helped me see why. His love wasn't real. He was needy, wanted to control me and wanted me to give up parts of my life that were important. He guilt tripped me all the time and lavished me with words of love. I fell again and again. Unlike many others here, he isn't calling or texting me. Yes, in the past he did. He moved on. I should be happy, glad and estatic I got rid of the excess weight. I am..but I still hurt badly. The memories flood my mind. I keep journaling all the things he did to hurt me. I remind myself why it would have never worked. I miss his hugs, making love and hearing those words. I thought we were sacred. Nothing is sacred for a N. I guess it has taken my entire adult life to realize I am definitely wounded child inside. I am willing to do what it takes to heal. The other realization I have had is my family really is emotionally detached. I told my mom about what happened the day before my birthday. She spent that day with me at my request, but I haven't heard from her since then. WOW....here lies the problem. I have realized that as a child I always felt alone, did everything by myself. My parents saw me as an independent girl. It was my fascade. I am human, I need support. I am here to gain the valuable support, nurturing I deserve.. I THANK you for allowing me to show the most vulnerable side of me and telling my babbling story. HUGS to all. So, I ask is he a N??
May 3, 2011 - 6:02pm (Reply to #24)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Yes he defintely fits the

Yes he defintely fits the character of an N. And they kill me trying to tell you what to do with the children. Mines was jealous of his own children. Telling me he doesn't need that, you don't need this. Always telling me what i need or what the children need. But when it comes to him he spends all the time. Another thing you mentioned was how he wanted you to pick between folks yup sounds like an N to me. Oh when he gets tired of the "stripper" he will be back begging and pleading.
April 30, 2011 - 4:18pm
wisernow
wisernow's picture

Wisernow's Story

A little different twist to my story...trying to be a survivor of Narc's of whom I was acquainted. When I figured out there was "something wrong" about them, I put up boundaries and barriers. They united behind my back...and stabbed pretty deeply...having me and a friend arrested for horrible crimes (an example of how inept busy law enforcement can be...and a warning that Narc's use this tactic frequently for "revenge"). I actually have the CD recordings and letters of fabrication. One has "changed her story", one has had a heart attack...and one went into hiding. What I learned about them, although they live in 3 separate states is interesting...in common, they have a history of "stormy" relationships; no "close" or enduring friendships, poor family relationships, instilling fear to prevent retaliation, addiction/hoarding, strong need for power/attention/limelight, lying to the point of apparent delusions and "instant" raging behaviors. WOW. It has been a year and a half of investigation finding many victims of these Narc's...people who have suffered bullying, harassment, theft by con, and damaged spirits. I had to decide to either let them beat me or stand. Glad I chose to stand; it was fighting fears of my own well being...and found support with other victims. We kept each other strong...and alive while we fight for our rights. I was amazed at the profiles often seen by abusive law enforcement jobs (security, police, etc)...guess that must be need for power. Hopefully, soon, they will be exposed publicly...and their reign of terror over others will end. It is for self preservation, self respect and to warn others. I never want to see others damaged to the point of suicidal thoughts...loss of job, finances ... to "feed the need" of perceived narcissistic injuries. As they age, Narc's "get worse"...All of these women are over 60 ...one is 75! All have an evil streak. One had a saying "be afraid, be very afraid"...one..."I'll take down anyone who gets in my way", the other..."there is no such thing as nice...that's just another word for "stupid". Praying their reign of terror will be over soon! Praying for my recovery. Thank you for this group!
May 3, 2011 - 6:06pm (Reply to #22)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Yup mines seemed like he had

Yup mines seemed like he had no friends and when he did meet so-call folks to bring around they seem to never last long or were shady characters. But I notice he was a big hit with the women at his job (go figure). Family seems like they are distant and not very close. N said he texted a sister to get some money because he was broke and she didn't text back for a whole week later and she knows he is alone in another state wow that speaks volumes to me. If your own family wants nothing to do with you something is wrong with you or something is wrong with the family .
April 27, 2011 - 5:57pm
rew72
rew72's picture

My story

As I start to write I already feel tears because one of the main reasons I came here was because my very close friends are over my stories and tears and back and forths with him. I've been with this person for almost 4 years now and it has been a crazy game that has stolen most of my security and confidence. Unfortunately, I haven't been strong at all with this and always fall back into him when he returns. I also have believed everything he throws at me - that it is always me and my fault. We began seeing each other 4 years ago, and as with all of the other stories, it was an amazing beginning. I had just divorced after a 13 year marriage that had turned into roommates, and he made me feel like "Wow, so this is what real love is." He told me how lucky he was to have me and all the other usual compliments and doting. It didn't take long for the N behavior to start. I don't remember the timing but there was an incident that I considered very minor that had him saying he didn't think we should be together. I was floored and immediately started to apologize. This, of course, began our pattern. We would date and things would be great, something would happen that would anger him, I would apologize and beg and plead because it was my fault, he'd forgive me and "give me another chance." This continued for 3 years, then we had a bigger breakup that lasted for 3 months. He started seeing his neighbor, and I was devastated. We started NC and it lasted three weeks, then he came back; of course, all of this was my fault, and he was again giving me "a chance" to be with him. Eight weeks later, he broke up with me again to "find himself," dated two girls, then came back. This has happened three times. And every time, it was my fault because I didn't value him enough, I didn't realize what I had, that I took him for granted, and I didn't know the opportunity he was giving me to be with him. Through the entire thing, I've believed him that this was all me, to the point that I started to see a counselor to figure out what issues I had. I have never been successful at NC, which I cannot understand. I often feel he has a power over me that nothing else in my life has. My closest friends said he has stolen who I am and that he has broken me to the point that I can't see what is really happening. At this point, I am still blaming myself for everything. I am a successful executive at a Fortune 100 company. I am financially independent, and without arrogance, I've been told that I am a very attractive woman. From the outside looking in, my friends and others can not understand why I'm so hung up on this guy. He has such control over me. The last time we broke up, it was 3 days after we returned from a carribbean vacation where we discussed marriage as well as vacation plans for the summer. Without warning, he said he could no longer be with me, that I didn't keep my end of the bargain (whatever that means!) and that he was leaving. I now know all of these instances are D & D. He has contacted me every day and I've responded. It the typical cycle...when I begin to retreat, he comes back full force, so I respond, and he retreats. Such a nightmare cycle. The final instance was this past week. My grandmother, who was the dearest soul to me, died on Saturday, and my ex heard and reached out to me to "support" me. Back to the beginning behavior. He traveled to my hometown for the vistation, but I knew my family would not welcome him because they have watched me go through this. I went to dinner with him then went to the vistation alone. He continued the doting through the day of the funeral and literally within 30 minutes of the service being over, I get a text that he is going to say goodbye. That I turned him away at the visitation and didn't value him for everything. He even used the death of my grandmother as a way to attract attention to himself and to see if he still controlled me. We started NC yesterday, and he has already broken it. And I allowed it. He was traveling for work and was happy when he got on the plane, then was upset when he got off. The story of my life for the last four years. I told him to no longer contact me, so we are about two hours into it. Smile. I am heart broken, spirit broken and so confused I'm not sure how to move forward. While I do my best, I am stuck in the crazy making and believe I am the issue and that no one else will have me. I have four years worth of stories that I could share...it seems we all do. They are so bizarre that even when I say them outloud, I can't believe they are real, that I allowed them, and almost think I'm making them up. I am praying for relief and recovery. Thank you for listening.
May 9, 2011 - 12:05pm (Reply to #20)
Mindy
Mindy's picture

Rew72

I can relate to so much of what you've described. The cat and mouse game they play with us, pushing us away so they can pounce on us and trap us again, over and over. Mine actually said to me, "I just feel like you should always love me." SMH... I just want to share a couple things with you: Your attachment sounds like classic Random Reinforcement. Once you understand how random reinforcement works, you don't feel so crazy anymore wondering why you're so attached to someone who 99% of the time treats you so bad. I also want you to know, IT DOES GET BETTER. The anxiety, the cognitive dissonance, the obsessing, the hurt, it does go away and you do start to feel happy again. I promise! But it starts with no contact. Don't be hoovered. Don't be the mouse that gets toyed with for his sheer amusement. Take your life back. Don't project your goodness onto him as you try to make sense of why he does what he does. Don't allow yourself to make excuses for him. They are monsters... pure and simple. Guard yourself. Wishing you all the best you clearly deserve.
April 27, 2011 - 6:11pm (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

rew72

Were you talking with 7ye itch today. Oh Boy, I hate hearing this. Please read some of those responses. Im going to ask you this. Do you want rid of this man? I think yes. The Only way to move forward is NC. You Must stick to it. Its really hard at first but this is the only way to win the Narc War. We are all here to help. Keep the questions coming. You have a lot of work ahead of you. Hunter
April 28, 2011 - 11:35am (Reply to #17)
7yeaeritch
7yeaeritch's picture

Well, Hunter, you made me

Well, Hunter, you made me laugh today. Always a good thing. Rue 72, I don't know that we're as much alike as Hunter says (but I see his point), but your pain is so strong, it's palpable. I don't see clearly yet, but it's 2 months in, 12 days nc and I want him less and hurt less -- and if I can get there, I know you can. Unlike Hunter, I'm a wuss so I wish I could just reach through and hug you and help you believe you will get through this. You will and so will I. We will. ( need more Hunter-like in me.)
April 28, 2011 - 12:03pm (Reply to #18)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

7yr

Hi, I am as hard as they come and this SOB almost killed me and still trys!'I just wrote Rew you need to do the same. K? This is not your fault! And hugs to u too, your just at the beginning but you will be ok! Hunter
April 28, 2011 - 12:12pm (Reply to #19)
7yeaeritch
7yeaeritch's picture

Hunter, only because I have

Hunter, only because I have some days of NC time, unlike Rew, I have joined a tennis club since the break up and play twice a week; I've joined a book club (all in efforts to refind what I like); I've read myself silly on personality disorders; I took a day off to be prayed over. I joined this site and actually have writen on it. I've opened my eyes to his constantly getting mad at me for little things that were all about his control. I is working on it. And I laughed. Hugs back at you. (And, believe me, you have helped.)
April 27, 2011 - 6:18pm (Reply to #9)
rew72
rew72's picture

I was not but I will look it

I was not but I will look it up. I do have a lot of work ahead. I do want to get rid of this man. My return after return is based on the fallacy that the beginning of our relationship was real. And I keep hoping that returns. That, coupled with the complete breakdown of my security, has me stuck in this pit. That has been my biggest question - how do I break free of the control? And as you said the ONLY way is the no contact. That is the only way. Do you have any tactics for the first days?
April 27, 2011 - 6:28pm (Reply to #10)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

rew72

Ive been here a long time. Ive delt with my asshole on and off for 20 yrs. Until I found this site and a great therapist. I would never have understood what was going on. Its very hard in the beginning. I suggest reading everything you can get your hands on. Read about Boderline, psychopaths, Narcissist,Silent treatment, That should be enough for now. Get a calendar and mark off the days of NC. If you feel bad come here and vent the girls will help you. Sometimes you may not like what we have to say, Think about all it. No one is here to hurt you. we are all hear to help. I myself have been accused of being too tuff. I have been here long enough to know who will fail and who will succeed. You need to own this, Fight, feel and Learn. In time you will win. There is always a beginning and an end to everything. For you this abuse need to end. Hugs Hunter
April 27, 2011 - 6:36pm (Reply to #11)
rew72
rew72's picture

Thank you so much. I'm

Thank you so much. I'm desperate for someone that understands this. I've researched this thing to death, and I think two huge hindrances for me: (1) I am an intelligent person - how the heck did I get tangled in this, and (2) it is so beyond anything I would ever consider doing to another person that it still is hard for me to believe how real this is. My friends have tried to be supportive. They can not understand why I would have ever gone back the first time. I don't why I did either. Do you remember a time where everyone sees the N for what he is and you are blind to it?? The similarity of the stories floors me. I know this is real. No doubt in my mind. I have to release that this is all my fault and realize that it just wasn't. That is my first step.
April 28, 2011 - 12:00pm (Reply to #12)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Rew72

I don't want to hear one more time this is your fault! OK? I just back from my shrink and this is as hard for me as it is you. I'm past most of it, but he still fucks with me. Anyway, she is hard on me as I tend to be with u guys! She said "yes he's nuts, yes you loved him, and yes he's gone, now what are you going to do about it" ? Yes I can hug you and you deserve a big hug, so (Hugs) now what are you going to do about it? Yo need to get off you butt do somthing for u even if you don't want to, keep reading and put a certain time on the books to obsess about this! And don't speak to him, it causes a lot of problems! Tomorrow you are going to tell what you did! K? These Narcs make me mad! you will win, he's not worth the pain! Hunter
April 28, 2011 - 12:44pm (Reply to #13)
rew72
rew72's picture

Hunter

And that, my friend, is tough love :) You are right...I am wasting moments. A peek into me. I place strong demands on myself, so I naturally look inwardly when something doesn't go right. Even with a great guy, I would probably accept more blame than I should. So when I get tangled in a mess like this, I am a N's dream...not only do I accept it, but then I jump through hopes, sing and dance, and whatever else to say "you are right, I am wrong, please love me." I get I have some internal struggles going on myself. The very best thing I can do is NO CONTACT. Unlike many of the stories, he and I have not gone without contact in the 3.5 years we've been together. Even when we were supposedly broken up. Its been 24 hours since we talked and I'm sure he is wondering what the heck is going on. So tomorrow, I will let you know that I hit the 48 hour mark. How about that?? Thanks for the words - I can take them and need them.
April 28, 2011 - 12:57pm (Reply to #14)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Rock On! You can't let this

Rock On! You can't let this consume u anymore! Everything has a beginning and a end! You have to start somewhere! Hunter
April 28, 2011 - 2:19pm (Reply to #15)
rew72
rew72's picture

Hunter...an aha

I was reading 7yearitchs response that unlike me,she's joined a tennis club, etc. I'm actually a runner, have a great job, two gorgeous kiddos, and an active social life (which is in the midst of changing since we broke up). So I'm thinking "I don't just sit around crying over this guy, and in fact its my "dirty little secret" except for a few close friends. I then remembered something he always said: "You are only this way around me. No one else knows you like I do so they don't see how you really are. I know you better than anyone." My confused mind would always think he was right, but that comment about sitting around sparked an aha. He is the ONLY one that thinks I am this way, so hey you dumb N, maybe it's YOU with the problem!!! I think I just found my anchor in this.