Smitten Kitten's Story (Long)

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#1 Apr 12 - 12PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Smitten Kitten's Story (Long)

When I joined this site a few weeks ago, I was still in shock from the pain of being dumped by what I now know to be a textbook, Narcissist. As I mentioned in a previous post, we were former classmates who hadn't seen each other in 28 years who reconnected on Facebook and ended up having a long-distance relationship for a little over a year. Up until then, I had been faithfully married for over 20 years, but having a lot of problems in my marriage (internet porn, lack of physical affection, and basically a sexless marriage for the past few years), which left me open and vulnerable to the Narc's attention. I never thought in a million years that our initial online interaction would lead to anything, because for one, I'm married and always took my vows very seriously and wasn't looking for an outside relationship, and two, I live clear across the country, so logistically it would be fairly impossible.

For several months we were just friends and didn't interact any differently than we did with other people on FB. Looking back though, and knowing what I know now, I see that was part of the strategy. He was just slowly getting to know me better and I didn't have my guard up, because it never occurred to me I needed to. At some point I realized he was flirting with me and I have to admit I enjoyed it. I wasn't as consciously aware of my role in it at the time, but in hindsight, I see that I was flirting back more than I initially believed I was. What's wrong with a little innocent flirting I told myself? Nothing can come of it (false security about my marital and geographic barriers). I have since learned the hard way, there is no such thing as "innocent" flirting. Any flirting is playing with fire. Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it the "innocent" flirting escalated into major flirting and talking on the phone, and what amounted to a cyber sexual & emotional affair. Within about 6 weeks of when the flirting really escalated, I found myself taking a trip to visit family and friends where he lives, which is where I'm from, and of course we met up and the affair became physical at that point.

As is typical with these relationships I've learned, the beginning was a whirlwind, too-good-to-be-true romance. That should have been a red flag right there, but I was too busy being swept off my feet to notice. I had never in my life (I'm 46) been with someone so romantic, tender & affectionate who made me realize what I had been missing in my life: chemistry, passion, intimacy, love. Needless to say, within a short time he led me to believe he wanted a future with me, said and did everything "right" until I fell in love with him, then proceeded to start pulling away for no apparent reason (about 6 months into the relationship).

The last 6 months was a constant roller coaster of mind games, baffling, hot and cold behavior, gaslighting, mixed messages, and lying as I later discovered. There were times it seemed as if he was purposely trying to drive me away so that I would be the one to call it quits and be the "bad guy" but then he wouldn't let go. Every time I reached my limit and was "done" he would come chasing after me again and pull me back in. I don't know how many times this happened but it got to the point I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In spite of all that, I kept trying to make the relationship work because I was so attached to him and anytime there was a threat of it ending, the pain was unbearable. I couldn't imagine my life without him at that point and didn't want to give up what we had (the passion, intimacy, over-the-top chemistry and amazing sex). I was seriously considering giving up my life and leaving my husband to move there and be with him. Plus I have friends and family there and want to move back anyway, but he was the real catalyst for speeding things up.

I went out to see him a total of 4 times last year. The first two times were still during the Honeymoon period and are my fondest memories of us. That is the part I miss so much now. The amazing connection and bonding that took place, especially the second time. We continued to grow closer after I returned from that trip, but I remember the first time I felt him pulling away, which was about 6 weeks after that. It was subtle at first, one small thing at a time. After I noticed all these things starting to add up I questioned him and he denied it, saying I was too demanding and that what he was doing apparently wasn't good enough. Hmm...... the mask was slipping, and the mind games, projecting, gaslighting, and mixed messages were starting. Let the *covert* D & D begin.

The third visit is when I experienced my first *overt* D & D. I planned an 11 day trip around his birthday and vacation time only for him to try and avoid seeing me while I was there and I was there specifically for him! On my first night I asked when we were getting together and he was vague and non-commital at best. Fortunately I was staying with my best friends and when they saw the games he was playing told me to ignore him and quit talking to him. Well, we all know what he did when I did that. Couldn't track me down fast enough - numerous phone calls, text messages, apologies, I love you, please don't go, etc. This went on all week. A ridiculous roller coaster of insecurity - seeing him one day and having amazing sex, but wondering if it would be the last time, him blowing me off the next day confirming my worst fears, me then ignoring him or calling it quits, and him chasing after me again.

At one point he said, "What if we never talk again after you leave, are you going to be ok with that?" Of course I wasn't ok with that, but he said he couldn't continue like this - the sneaking around, the long distance, there was no future in it, and he was now feeling guilty about my husband. Yeah right. He doesn't do guilt - he even said that to me once. And he also knew all these things about me when he set his sights on me and pursued me to begin with. So this was hanging over my head all week, but I wanted to make the most of the time I had with him. On my second to last night there he broke it off with me and said we would never talk again. He sat there cooly detached and watched me sob hysterically, balling my eyes out for I don't know how long and I told him this was his idea, not mine, and not what I wanted.

The following morning my friend asked me what the outcome was and I told her, "We're not going to talk anymore. It's over." And guess what happened next? Yep. The text messaging and phone calls started. "I don't want this, I'm sorry..... I'm already missing talking to you on the phone on my way to the gym and during my workout, and then later when I'm on my route. I want to have a future with you...... I love you...... blah, blah, blah." I ignored several calls before finally answering. It was my last day there and he wanted to see me and take me to get something to eat. I told him no, I already had plans with my friends and we were having a BBQ with some other friends. He asked a few times if he would get to see me at all and I said no. So what does he do? Later on that evening, as we're all hanging out in the backyard, he shows up unannounced! And yes, we talked, he played the broken-hearted, I'm sorry, I want you and love you card, gave me a card and a little teddy bear (yuck), gave me false hope, and reeled me back in.... again.

Of course, after I returned home, things were ok for a few days, but then they started going downhill again. It wasn't even a roller coaster anymore with highs and lows, but a continuous downward spiral for me over the next 3 weeks. I tried going NC at that point but only lasted 2 1/2 days. Every day I didn't talk to him only got worse, not better. Of course, I didn't have any idea what I was dealing with then, I was just very confused and trying to figure it all out, AND TRYING TO STILL MAKE IT WORK! I was still clinging to the memory of the first 6 months and trying to get back there.

As luck would have it (or unluck as I consider it now), I had to go back out there in December for a wedding. Somehow the relationship had "improved" in between this time by returning to a roller coaster instead of a downward spiral (funny what we'll consider acceptable when we're desperate). He was "trying" again. I know now that he was just stringing me along until he found new supply. Anyway, one of his complaints for the past few months had been that if he really meant as much to me as I said he did, he wanted to come first instead of my husband. He wanted me to prove it to him. So I did, or so I thought, but of course you can't prove anything to a Narc and no amount of anything you do will ever be enough. I not only went for the wedding, but stayed for the entire month and through the Holidays to spend them with him. I was more invested in that relationship than my marriage. The first couple weeks of that trip were pretty good, except for the game playing and drama. The arguing that would inevitably break out because of his interaction with other women. The second couple of weeks started reminding me of the trip when I was out for his birthday, only not as bad. His excuse was, what's the point? Next week you'll be returning home to your husband.

He took me to a New Year's Eve Party where I didn't know anyone, and basically ignored me the whole time, treating me like a buddy instead of someone he supposedly loved. He wandered off immediately after we arrived and left me on my own. When I spotted him I went over to him and he walked away again. At that point I wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy dog, but I don't have a good poker face, and it was obvious I wasn't very happy. Of course, he later pointed this out to me, about how I'm so negative and unhappy. I used to be a lot of fun and the life of the party, but he sucked the life out of me. He even rejected me at Midnight during the New Year's kiss and someone got a picture of that - him standing there stiffly with his arms at his sides while my arms are around his neck trying to kiss him, with him barely kissing me back, coldly staring at the camera the whole time. It was humiliating.

My BIG D&D as I'm calling it now came a little over 10 weeks ago after a former girlfriend of over 25 years ago reappeared in his life and they immediately picked up where they left off. This was only 3 weeks after I returned home. He let me know by posting it all over Facebook. Pictures of the two of them kissing, holding hands, and hugging at a party. Plus the status updates he posted to go along with them that were heartbreaking to me. He pretty much announced to all our mutual friends this was his new girlfriend. The really messed up part though is that he was so mean about it. Not only was he indiscreet and insensitive to my feelings, he rubbed my face in it. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart by dumping me the way he did, he had to crush me in the process. He had already de-friended me so I couldn't see what he was posting, so he made sure to describe everything in excruciating detail over the phone. All of it. The "soft, sensuous kiss" between them caught on camera, how everyone at the party thought she was "The One" for him and she was a keeper, how she was the life of the party, and how they liked her so much better than me (these were the same people who had the New Year's party). And he slept with her and had sex with her that same night.

He kept calling me and texting for the next several weeks even though he now had a new GF, changed his relationship status on FB and practically made his FB page a shrine to her. And he opened his page up to Friends of Friends, which he'd never done before, just so I could see the progression of his relationship. He wanted to keep me around as a friend and back up supply to listen to him talk about his relationship with his new GF and to hurt me some more. He made sure to tell me about all the gifts he got her for Valentine's Day, and even insisted on reading what he wrote inside one of the 4 cards he got her. When I repeatedly said, I don't want to hear it and he proceeded to try and tell me, saying "Yeah you do...." I hung up on him.

I finally went completely NC 4 weeks ago today. Up until then I had tried and would avoid his calls and texts for 2 or 3 days but he would wear me down and I would respond, even if it was just to fight with him. He knew exactly which buttons to push. But every time I did he only hurt me more and proved what a sadistic son-of-a-bitch he really is. I couldn't believe the things he was telling me about the new GF, the previous GF, and the lies he admitted to. He told me hurtful things there was no reason to mention at that point except for the sake of being cruel, just to rub salt in the wounds. And how I realized in horror that ALL OF IT, EVERYTHING, the entire relationship had been one big lie! None of it was real!

The last contact we had it was finally over, because I think he realized I wasn't going to give him the supply he needed when I told him for the umpteenth time he couldn't talk to me about his new GF and he had no use for me anymore. He sent me a text telling me to never contact him again in any form. I sent him one last text saying it would be the last he'd ever hear from me and that he was dead to me now.

Apr 13 - 8AM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you all so much for you

Thank you all so much for you kind words and responses. I'm so grateful I found this board and I'm sure my friends are too!
Apr 12 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Smitten

He's a weird Ass. I have the same story. Don't go back you don't need to be abused. Be strong and go NC forever. Idealk
Apr 12 - 2PM
dudette
dudette's picture

oh smitten

I am soooo sorry to read your story. It sucks really!!! Those narcs are evil, there is no doubt about it!!! I hope you are starting to feel better with NC. such heartbreak, such horrible and callous treatment..... All the best for your recovery Smitten x x x
Apr 12 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smittenkitten

Thank you for sharing your story. We encourage you to get it out. While you've shared your story, there will be so many thoughts and ups and downs and getting those thoughts out and sharing with others is what will help you overcome this emotional wreck you've experienced. I am glad that you are NC, and that will make the process of recovery so much easier. As you distance yourself, the fog clears. So continue to share, vent, and let it all out...we're all here to support you and I note you have interacted already with other members...and can pretty much conclude this is a safe haven filled with others that understand and "get it" Hugs!