Gaslighting

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#1 Apr 12 - 5PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Gaslighting

Gaslighting: how it can affect Extreme Abuse survivors' recovery processes
by Kathleen A. Sullivan, MSW
http://naffoundation.org/Gaslighting.htm

What is gaslighting?
First stage: abuser-victim gaslighting attempts
Second stage: transitional period (from victim to survivor)
Third stage: peace, calm and rehabilitation
Fourth stage: abuser-public gaslighting attempts

What is gaslighting?
The best book I've found to-date, in understanding how to recognize the effects of gaslighting (and to protect myself from it) is The Gaslight Effect by by Dr. Robin Stern. In it, she explains how people who have strong difficulties with anxiety have a deep underlying need to control and manipulate others, to meet their needs and keep themselves safe.

Such individuals have tremendous difficulty recognizing and valuing the needs of targeted victims, because they are so focused on using those individuals to meet their own needs.

On occasion, "their" victims may begin to wake up and realize that they're being used and abused. Whenever that happens, the abusers may become nervous because 1) the victims can tell others about the abuse and 2) the abusers may lose their power and control over the victims.

The rest of this article details some of the most common stages that Extreme Abuse survivors may experience as they work to make themselves safer.

Please be aware that survivors may go back and forth between some of the stages, depending on their personal experiences and life challenges.

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First stage: abuser-victim gaslighting attempts
Whenever a victim tries to break free, the abuser will usually respond by trying to regain power and control over the victim. Here are some of the most common tactics that are used by abusers to attempt to regain power and control over "their" victims:

They use false or distorted logic to convince the victims that their negative behaviors aren't really abusive, or that the behaviors aren't as awful as the victims perceive them to be.
They honeymoon the victims.
They promise to change, seek help, get better; but they don't follow-through.
They convince the victims that nobody else will understand and/or care about the victims the way they do.
They remind the victims that the victims need the abusers to meet their and/or their children's basic needs (food, shelter, income, safety and security, being loved, and a sense of belonging).
They threaten to keep control of the victims' children, should the victims attempt to leave.
They threaten to destroy the victims' belongings, should the victims attempt to leave.
They use other forms of blackmail and coercion.
They convince the victims that the victims are so awful, shameful, and unworthy of love and acceptance that the victims will never be welcomed, supported and aided by people and groups who could provide help and support.
They convince the victims that nobody will believe what the victims say about the abusers (often, this is true).
They use religious texts, often out of context, to trick the victims into believing that they victims would be sinning if they leave the abusers.
They convince the victims that their intuition and judgment are faulty.
They enlist help from gullible or abusive family members, neighbors, religious peers, and more to convince the victims that they are crazy, delusional and/or mentally ill.
They enlist help from others to convince the victims that they are making a mistake if they leave.
They enlist help from others to convince the victims that they haven't really been abused.
If the survivors have been mentally controlled or brainwashed by the abusers, the abusers may try to use previously installed mental commands or hypnotic suggestions to confuse the survivors and keep them from being able to get safe.
If all else fails, the abusers will portray themselves to the victims as the real abused and wounded victims, thereby confusing the victims and keeping them hooked into the unhealthy relationship via bogus guilt, embarrassment, and shame.

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Second stage: transitional period (from victim to survivor)
If the abusers' first-stage abuser-victim gaslighting attempts are unsuccessful, they may work even harder to use the above-listed tactics to try to influence the survivors to return to their old victim roles.

The following is a list of some of the reasons that the transition from victim to survivor may be the most dangerous and stressful recovery phase for survivors:

The abusers may recognize that the survivors are not yet strong enough to trust their own intuition and judgment, and may use the survivors' insecurities to continue to undermine their confidence that they can survive without the abusers.
The survivors may not have developed basic life and social skills that they require to meet basic needs for themselves and their dependents.
The survivors may suffer from great loneliness if they found it necessary to cut contact with friends, family, neighbors and religious peers to feel safer.
The survivors may miss the intensity (mental, emotional, and physical) that they experienced with the abusers.
The survivors may experience deep grief over those and other relational losses, and may believe that going back is the only way to meet their relational and social needs.
The survivors may risk contacting unsafe family members, friends, neighbors and religious peers to meet their relational and social needs.
The survivors may not know how to develop and enforce healthy relational and social boundaries, which may make them easy targets for other abusers.
The survivors may believe that only the abusers can really understand and accept them as who and what they really are.
The survivors may view themselves as too damaged or unworthy to live a safer and healthier life.
The survivors may suffer from addictions to which the abusers are able to provide fast and easy "fixes".
The survivors may believe that abusive familiarity is more bearable than the frightening and overwhelming unknown.
The survivors may miss some of the unhealthy dynamics that they experienced with the abusers.
The survivors may miss some of the positive dynamics that they experienced with the abusers.
If the survivors have altered states of consciousness, they may, in those altered states, recontact or reconnect with the abusers without being consciously aware of those newer experiences.
If the survivors have altered states of consciousness, they may experience significant disorientation due to changes in lifestyle, environment, and more.
If the survivors have been mentally controlled or brainwashed by the abusers, the survivors may need professional support to avoid acting on the abusers' old messages or mental commands.
The abusers may use legal abuse to try to force the survivors to return, or to try to ensure the survivors' silence about the abuser's negative and harmful behaviors towards the survivors and other victims.
The abusers may use a variety of tactics to drain the survivors' financial resources.
The abusers may use the survivors' children, pets, finances, shared property or businesses, or more to blackmail or coerce the survivors to either return to the abusers, or to remain silent about the abusers' harmful behaviors towards the survivors and others.
The abusers may actively stalk, harass, and/or threaten the lives of the victims (and/or their loved ones).
The abusers may employ third parties to actively stalk, harass, and/or threaten the lives of the victims (and/or their loved ones).

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Third stage: peace, calm, and rehabilitation
Many survivors never make it past the second transitional stage. Those who do are usually so drained and traumatized - due to the many losses and stressors they've experienced - that they are barely able to move forward in life.

In fact, it's usually at this stage that survivors begin to realize how much they've been abused, and how much stress they've suffered.

In other words, until victims of chronic abuse are able to experience consistent safety and security, they usually remain in a state of survival. And so, it is after they begin to feel safe and secure, and they feel certain that their world is not going to go topsy-turvy again, that they feel the full impact of their many losses, abuse experiences, and life stressors.

This is the stage in which survivors are more likely to become ill (due to a stress-related decrease in their white blood cell counts). This is also the stage in which they are most likely to notice that they are experiencing symptoms indicative of abuse- and trauma-related psychiatric "disorders".

And so, as the survivors come out of their numbed survival mode and begin to take stock of themselves, this is the stage in which they are more likely to seek rehabilitative aid from therapists and other supportive groups and professionals who can help them build their esteem and confidence, strengthen their immune systems, and help them develop healthy new life and social skills.

Understandably, this is also the phase of their recovery in which survivors are least likely to speak out about the abuses they've endured. Because they now need to focus their energy inwards (to rehabilitate from teh abuse and stressors) and outwards (to build healthier and safer new lives), they do not yet have the energy to tap-into their outrage about the abuse experiences.

During this phase, survivors are most likely to convince themselves that the abuse doesn't matter anymore. They're safe, they're getting on with their lives. What's past is past. Instead of focusing on the abusers as they have before, it's now time to focus on themselves.

As they work more actively on recovery and self-healing, they will pay more attention to their rehabilitative mind-body needs (healthy sleep habits, healthy diet, regular exercise, consistent daily schedules, catching-up on medical care, going to therapy, addressing addictions in 12-step programs, and so on).

They also need to conserve their energy to focus forward on the future. It takes enormous amounts of energy, time, and outside resources to build brand-new support systems, healthier new relationships with others, pursue educations, establish safe new residences, find new jobs or build new careers, and build up their financial reserves. Life is even more challenging if they have children who have their own rehabilitative and recovery needs.

During the survivors' recovery phase of focusing inward and forward, they are less likely to pay acute attention to abusers' negative behaviors towards them, unless the behaviors are acute. Self-absorption can be necessary blessing for the survivors; because if the survivors were to continue to focus their attention on the abusers' activities and behaviors; the survivors would not be able to build up the energy and strength they need to rehabilitate their minds, bodies, and lives.

While the survivors are rehabilitating, they are much more likely to share their abuse histories with therapists and therapy group members, and with 12-step group members and sponsors. They are not yet ready or able to survive harsh responses and retaliatory assaults from people who will not listen to, or read about, their abuse histories with compassion and respect.

Such responses would remind them too much of the abuse they experienced in the past. Newly cutting words and comments would simply be too triggering; they would reactive the deep wounds in the survivors' minds and souls that need more time, gentleness, compassion and love to fully heal.

During the rehabilitative stage, survivors also need lots of time and support to build their esteem and confidence, and to develop stronger and healthier psychological boundaries, so that they will be less likely to allow negative behaviors from abusive persons to affect them as deeply, as they've been affected in the past by the survivors' former abusers.

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Fourth stage: abuser-public gaslighting attempts
Some survivors who share their abuse histories in safe environments with therapists and other survivors may, at first, develop a false sense of security that influences them to believe that the rest of the world will be equally accepting, nurturing, and caring.

And so, one of our greatest challenges in recovery from Extreme Abuse is to learn how to protect our inner fragility and vulnerabilities as we transition from being inward-
focused to outward-focused, and as we begin to explore and connect with the larger outside world in newer and healthier ways.

During the transition, it's helpful to stay in regular contact with healthy support people who can teach us how to respond in positive ways to any new encounters with human cruelty and abuse.

Some survivors fear such encounters, because they've already been severely traumatized. And yet, an important part of growth and development is the willingness to risk new unpleasantness, so that we can use such experiences to develop new coping skills that can benefit us for the rest of our lives. And yet, at the same time, we must be careful not to put our minds, hearts, and bodies through more stress than we have - so far - developed the skills and abilities to successfully cope with.

One of the biggest and most devastating emotional shocks experienced by many recovering abuse survivors will occur as they emerge from their intensive, rehabilitative stage of recovery and begin to connect with the larger world. As they connect, they may discover that "their" former abusers are not the only people who are sometimes cruel, callous, uncaring, and perhaps downright predatory.

And so, an important challenge is to figure out how much we can handle as we deal with new people who are abusive and cruel, and seek help from others to develop healthier new psychological boundaries, so we can avoid being as deeply hurt or traumatized by them, as we may have been hurt in the past. Another challenge is to not get hooked-into unhealthy relationships with new abusive people in our lives. Still another challenge is to avoid getting into psychological or manipulative battles with abusers.

Again, it is important to seek help from healthy support persons, who can teach us new cognitive, social and life skills that will help us to respond towards abusive people in healthier and more positive ways.

Survivors may also feel discomfort and distress, during their inward-to-outward transition, if they discover that the former abusers have been approaching their new support systems, friends, neighbors, family members, employers and coworkers, religious peers, and more to gaslight those people about the survivors' real and imaginary flaws and faults.

Having just come out of their psychological shells, the survivors still be emotionally and psychologically raw in their responses to such news. They may fear that the people who the abusers are attempting to gaslight, will believe what the abusers are saying or writing. The survivors may also fear that if the new people in their lives learn - from the abusers - about the survivors' still-hidden truths about themselves or their pasts; then the new people in their lives will reject and abandon them.

One of the most practical ways of dealing with such fears is to be the first person to tell our hidden truths to the new people in our lives, before the abusers can. In fact, some survivors have discovered that telling the worst about themselves, to new friends, can be a practical way to find out if the new people in their lives are really committed to deeper or longer-term relationships with the survivors.

Some survivors have even concluded that the former abusers' public gaslighting attempts can be a positive new event, because:

The survivors are challenged, by the abusers' negative behaviors, to be more honest about themselves than they'd ever dreamed possible.
The survivors can use personal disclosure to figure out who their real friends will be.
Telling the whole truth about themselves can help the survivors experience unconditional love and acceptance.
Telling their most hidden truths can free the survivors from being blackmailed or coerced by the abusers in the future.

Sometimes our greatest recovery gifts can come to us in the most unexpected packages.

Apr 12 - 9PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ironically,

last summer I posted a status update on Facebook about gaslighting. It said, "I'm so tired of people gaslighting me. I know what I know and you know that I know it!" It was mainly intended for my husband, but also for my Narc, who I didn't know was a Narc at the time and I didn't realize gaslighting was a common behavior of theirs. The post drew a lot of commentary from friends, one of whom was the Narc, and he got pissed! Everyone who commented was basically of the opinion, why do you have someone like that in your life and you need to get away from them now (without knowing any details!) I ended up having a phone conversation later that night with the Narc that escalated into our first major fight when I admitted that it was a little bit about him although mostly for my husband. My husband is not a Narc, but he was continuing to lie to me and trying to make me believe he wasn't. This was the first time my Narc de-friended me from FB. I could say this was the beginning of the D&D, but that was already occurring which led me to post that in the first place. I knew what I knew and felt what I felt, and both of them were trying to convince me it wasn't true. Nothing like having the two men in your life BOTH gaslighting you. Looking back though, that was the first inkling my Narc had that I was on to his charade and it infuriated him. At the time I thought he was mad I was comparing him to my husband. Now I know it's because I was hitting too close to home.
Apr 12 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten

What kills me the most is how many times I say..."yes, me too" Oh yea, that happened to me too..."Oh my really - that is so funny so did I" AND so I won't say that but just say...LAST summer the words "You're 'effin trying to gaslight me?!" escaped my lips and I won't say "just like you" I didn't know then what I know now... BUT I do feel safe to say...intuition is our best friend...and somehow through it all, despite what was happening, I instinctively was led as my brain was out to snacks and not functioning AT ALL, but something guided me to make all the right moves to protect myself before it got really really ugly...before he pulled it off, before he totally brainwashed me....before I was bonded in TRAUMA...something saved me and to this day I can't even explain it...he never laid a hand on me...but something pulled me out of the sickness that I could not see and it is so funny, my ptsd kicked in AFTER the fact... Listen to all those voices and things that fly out of your mouth... I don't believe in coincidence any more... Hugs!
Apr 12 - 5PM
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Thanks for posting this. I

Thanks for posting this. I had just made a thread about feeling paralyzed and irreparably damaged moving forward, but this answers some questions and gives me a few things to focus on/think about.
Apr 12 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

deecbee

My pleasure, looking forward to travleing along the journey with you and sharing. I believe I can say this holds true for all the other members here as well. Hugs!
Apr 12 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
deecbee
deecbee's picture

Hugs back at you and every

Hugs back at you and every one else here. Very glad I found this place.