Meredith's story....Long and Crazy

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#1 Apr 9 - 10PM
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

Meredith's story....Long and Crazy

Hi everyone,

I am trying to come to terms with my breakup and my ex-bf's strange behavior during our relationship. The more I read about narcissism, the more everything is beginning to make sense. The more sense it makes, the more upset I am getting, because I feel like my relationship was all one big lie and a huge mistake. I thought X was the love of my life. He was sweet and he was SO GOOD IN BED. Sex with him was magical. We were inseparable.

John and I first met on an online dating site. We went out around 5 times, and things were going well until he informed me that he was also talking to another girl from the dating site on the phone, but they hadn't met yet, since she lived out of state. I begged him not to pursue things with her, but he told me he "had to meet her", and that it was "his mistake to make" if it didn't work out. Well, needless to say, he broke up with me after they met. I was devastated, but I moved on.

During that time, John dated this other woman, had her move from Ohio into his house in Michigan, and subsequently married her. Their marriage lasted only one year, when I suddenly heard from him. He said that he was going through a divorce, and that he needed friends to hang out with. He has no close friends. In fact, he doesn't even speak to most of his family.

Silly me, I went out with him, and heard about all of his problems. When I heard the things that he did to his second wife, I felt sorry for her. He wanted her to participate in swinging and threesomes. He became emotionally involved with one of her friends, who was prettier and thinner than his wife. When she couldn't handle it, he abruptly wanted a divorce. His wife was so devastated, she told him she was going to kill herself. This "HURT" John so much, he said he would "never forgive her" for scaring him like that. He blamed her for being upset!

Are there enough red flags yet??? It gets worse, because I got involved with him, and believed his "woe is me" victim stories. His mother died when he was 7. His ex-wife #1 was a monster. His 2nd wife wasn't attractive and wasn't doing anything with her life. Wah wah wah.

We continued to hang out and then I broke my foot. He would come over every day to visit me. He would take me places. He would keep me company. I let him stay at my house during his divorce. We were helping each other. His divorce was final in October 2009. About 2 months in, he told me he was in love with me, and then the romancing really started. He wooed me with cards and flowers. He was fun. He was open to learning all about what I liked. He seemed to understand me better than anyone. I felt I could open up to him. We cried happy tears together.

In December 2009, X took me to Jamaica. That's when things started getting really weird. John complained that he was having flashbacks to his first marriage. He was very distant. One morning, he took a viagra, without consulting me,right when we were going to go to breakfast. I told him I didn't want to have sex, i wanted to go eat and enjoy the sun. He pouted about it the rest of the day. That afternoon, he had a strong drink, and proceeded to tell me that he could say and do things that would really hurt me. He was cold and unemotional. I got scared. Here I was in Jamaica with this guy who was being a total asshole. Somehow, I managed to snap him out of his foul mood, and we tried to enjoy the rest of the day. That night, he said he wanted to be by my side the rest of the trip. I agreed.

The next day, we went to the pool area. He went to the front desk to check on something, and told me to wait for him. He was gone for 1/2 hour, so I got in the pool. When he got back, he was upset that I got in the pool without him! He said that he told me to wait for him. I said that he didn't tell me not to get in the pool. He proceeded to go pout. Then when I turned around, he wasn't there. He had gone up to the room and started writing me a break-up letter. After crying and begging, he agreed to stay together, and we tried to enjoy the rest of the trip.

When we returned, I told X that what had happened on the trip cannot happen again. He agreed. But over the year and a half that we dated, there was so much more....Oh. My. God.

Here are just some of the highlights:

1. He would tell me I hurt his feelings when I told him he had bugs on his windshield.
2. He got upset when I suggested he get different flavors of yogurt for his sons instead of the flavor he liked.
3. He accused me of criticizing his son while I was having a discussion with his son about global warming. All I did was tell his son to do more research on the subject!
4. I offered to take his sons swimming and asked him for some money. He said that if he wasn't going, why should he pay?
5. He broke up with me after the global warming/pool argument.
6. We went to a couples' counselor after the breakup. He proceeded to tell the counselor all of my faults. The counselor asked me point blank why I am putting up with this abuse? She told John that he was unhealthy for any relationship. Of course, John was very upset about this.
7. We got back together, but he didn't want to call me his "girlfriend", and he didn't want to call it a relationship. He changed his status on facebook.
8. We went up north for my cousin's wedding, and kept making remarks how we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.
9. Finally, he decided he did want me as his girlfriend, and put me back on facebook as his girlfriend.
10. We went to a movie with his boss, and John was complaining about some people in the audience after the show. I told him not to let it ruin his evening. He said, "OK, I will just shut up then", and proceeded to give me the silent treatment in front of his boss
11. We went to see one of John's favorite bands in concert. He wanted to dance all night. My feet started to hurt, so I asked him to come with me to sit down and get a drink. He went with me, and then told me that I ruined the concert, and we might as well leave. He said it was HIS NIGHT and I ruined it.
12. He broke up with me after this.
13. We got back together a week later. We both agreed we should see a different couple's counselor.
14. We started seeing another counselor, where John complained about me and talked about himself the first 2 sessions. The counselor made him promise to not break up with me while we were in therapy. John agreed.
15. When I told John I was upset about things he said, he said I was being bitchy, and he was really hurt.
16. I wanted to take John's sons to the mall. His middle son, aged 13, was sleeping in. I wanted to wake him up to see if he wanted to go. John refused to let me. He said "I know my son, and he doesn't want to be woken up". After some convincing, he gave in, and it turned out that his son did want to go, but then John treated me like shit the rest of the day.
17. When I later told John how bad it made me feel leaving one son home, and taking the other sons, he said that HE was the father and I have NO say. Very cold. Very mean. When I got emotional, he made me leave his apartment. The next day, I apologized to smooth things over.
18. On our 3rd counseling session, I told the therapist about the mall incident, and John got furious. He accused me of "gaslighting". He walked out after the appointment, and proceeded to tell me he needed space. The therapist reminded him that he promised not to break up during therapy. John said that he did not want to continue therapy. That night was the end of our relationship.

Of course, there were many more incidents in between...

Like X mentioning swinging and threesomes...when I didn't want to talk about it, I was accused of "not wanting to know the real him."

X would let things that upset him add up, and then drop bombs on me by breaking up.

X talked down to me in front of his sons and other family members

X always managed to make me feel that I was a bad person or I hurt his feelings!

X would say he wanted to do things I enjoyed, but later make me pay for it with pouting or the silent treatment because he really didn't want to do those things.

X was willing to try to stay friends with me even after this last breakup, but he was still sleeping with me while he was actively trying to date other women.

X told me he slept with someone else, and he was into the D/s lifestyle all of the sudden. I told him I cannot be his friend. We have been NC/LC since 2/14/11. I had a couple of weak moments. The last time I talked to him, he invited me to tell him the things he did to hurt me. I reluctantly told him, and he apologized. Then he proceeded to mention that his therapist used to be a "Dom", and he is talking to a girl he used to sleep with, and that I couldn't handle his new lifestyle. When I got upset, he told me he has heard enough of my bitching, and he HUNG UP.

I pathetically apologized in a text message, and he wrote me back accusing me of "manipulating him" and "taking advantage of his kindness."

So......that's all I have for now....Is he a narcissist, a sociopath, or just plain insane?

And WHY did I put up with all of this????????

It's so hard to forgive myself!!

Thanks for reading this...


Jun 16 - 3PM
BadaBing's picture

so sorry

WHat a Jerk! You are better off without this one!! hope you feel better soon reading that is awful you didn't know how he was but u do now and you aren't missing anything but more pain!
Jun 16 - 7AM
Hunter's picture

This is not someone you need

This is not someone you need in your life, Deep down you know it, make plans for you. Keep moving forward. Hunter
Jun 16 - 7AM
badjer's picture

Judging by what I have read,

Judging by what I have read, you have had a very, very narrow escape. Perhaps it might help to look at him in terms of someone who, if their conduct were made 'sectionable', they would be in a secure facility. I mean that without malice. he sounds like he has bipolar disorder, as well as many more. He is one angry, conflicted man without any ability to address, see, feel or understand how he damages others. I read that psychopathy is an inability to change or adapt one's emotions. I don't know a lot about it but I do know that you should have been WELL AWAY from that one. This website might help: I really hope that you get the clarity you need to move on. I think the hardest bit, or one of the hardest bits, is accepting our own culpability in allowing ourselves to be taken in, not heeding our gut (it is there for a reason) and being made a fool of over and over. The really big question is what is lacking in us, in our make-up, in our psyche, that makes us return to the empty well? You may also benefit from reading some of Beverley Engels books on abusive relationships. They were very, very helpful and made a lot of sense. The other thing to keep in mind is the phrase "when you say 'NO' to something you are saying "YES" to something better down the line..' My battered and bruised heart feels that that is what my ex has done to me (said 'NO to me in the belief that there is something or someone better out there for him and it hurts like hell) but your situation is far different - you really were involved with a nutjob. Try, really really try, to be thankful for the lesson you have just been given! XXXXXX
Jun 16 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

Thank you BB.

Looking at the site you sent me now. My ex really was a nutjob, but somehow I keep forgetting how nuts he really is. XOXO Mer
Apr 12 - 10AM
momoya's picture


You MUST feel some relief. I know it is painful but my gosh after reading all you have been through, and the many ways you have bended and twisted yourself for his benefit and this relationship, to be free of him you have to embrace this liberation. I have a feeling that once you begin to research this disorder you will begin to understand how you were manipulated for so long. all the best to you!!


Apr 9 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I'd have to say he's all three! I am so sorry to hear you have gone through all of this!!! Welcome to the board, you are in the right place. I sent you a pvt. message, not sure if you received it, I have been a moderator here in the main area; however, I wanted to focus more with the newcomers and help them process all of this...the beginning is QUITE overwhelming. It seems you have a very clear idea that things are not right with John...plese tell me that isn't his real name...we ask that you don't identify individuals by their name here. Take a moment to review the rules if you haven't had a chance to do so. I do want to ask however, while you can artiuclate a whole bunch of things pertaining to the you know if you really understand the dynamics of a personality disorder and what it means in relationship to what you have just experienced?
Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
TLSM's picture


Wow. He is a wreck. He sounds VERY Borderline, too. (BPD) Playing the victim, taking everything personally,paranoia-BPD. He is a monster. Please never go back to him!!! Sex with my crazy ex was the best I've ever had, and that can MESS with you so bad. I'm thinking I thought it was so good cuz it was the only time I felt close to him, and for him it was the only emotion he could show me that was "real" to him- an orgasm. These guys are beasts. I'm sorry you went through that!!! You are at the right place! This place has saved me in so many ways!!!
Apr 9 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture


Thanks for commenting. I told J that he was a "wolf in sheep's clothing" when we started talking again. At first he was offended, of course! Now, I think he wears it like a badge! He is only going to destroy the next unknowing victim. What bothers me is that I KNEW about things he had done to his second wife! Even his first wife told me things when we broke up last summer! I refused to believe he was like that with me. How insane was I? I was burying my head in the sand! Now, I feel like a shell of my former self. My work has suffered. I have lost weight. I have not cleaned my house in ages. I feel like he is just moving right along, and I am stuck in this nightmare limbo, blaming myself, thinking I may be over exaggerating, even though I know I am not! What's worse is that he moved right around the corner from me, so his presence is always felt. It's so tempting to text or call him, but what would that do??? And why would I want to? Help! M
Apr 12 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
terri's picture

About living so close..

After a torturous 6 years in a long-distance relationship, we got engaged and he moved 1/2 mile away from me! Now, after the final breakup, it is unbelievably difficult to worry about running into him anywhere and everywhere I go. When he moved here, he joined the same health club so I'm afraid to go there. He shops at the same stores and lives right across the street from my son's school. It really does seem impossible to move on to a new life without him when he is still so present and close.

Believe in yourself!

Apr 10 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I haven't responded to this as it is between you and TLSM...I'm still trying to organize.... If you want to add more, please continue over at the main message board within the thread we started between you and I so that I can keep everyone's threads/stories/etc...all in one place. I will discuss logistics with Lisa tomorrow to try to come up with a better method. In the interim, I left a response for you on the main board under the thread you started. Of course, you and TLSM can continue here as it looks like you both have some things in common and continue to interact with the other members as well - this is about YOUR recovery, you go at your pace, but I like to focus on shoring up the first three steps so that the next levels find you much stronger and there will be less chance of a "relapse" a.k.a. breaking NC Have a good night Hugs!
Apr 10 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
TLSM's picture

Oh Meredith! ME TOO!

You wrote this. Now, I feel like a shell of my former self. My work has suffered. I have lost weight. I have not cleaned my house in ages. Everything you wrote. Same with me! I'm not myself, I lost 20 pounds in 1.5 months and my house! OMG! Its BAD and iit takes everything I have to semi clean it for my daughters sake. I would DIE if anyone saw it. They'd put me away! I own a business and it has suffered! That is NOT ok! I have got to get it together. Its sooooo hard. Hardest thing I've ever gone through! I bet for most of us here for sure! Bastards! My ex is moving right along happily too, with a girl 20 yrs younger than him while I am practically a hermit and have no desire to date cuz I can't stop comparing his looks and his SEXINESS to every guy I meet. Guys just seem geeky and square to me and are too in my bubble. Ewww. That's not good. That is a defect in me I wish I didn't have. I like the bad boys, the players, THE CHALLENGE. Omg. I feel SO bad he lives so close by to you!!! What a nitemare!!!! My ex N lives 600+ miles and that is my only saving grace. But it feels like he is close by and that I will bump into him and her at any time. How crazy creepy is that??? Doesn't make sense! Please don't beat yourself uo about knowing things and still staying with him! Its part of the reason we are all struggling! It doesn't make sense! I've stayed with my guy regardless of what I already knew, the abuse, the lies, the cheating, me knowing he had a 5yr affair mehind his ex wifes back. I still stayed with him, went back to him repeatedly, begged him back...most of us have this in common. This is the goal of these Narcs/PD. They have brainwashed us and want us addicted and obsessed with them! There is a reason you ended up at this board!!! You are SO at the right place!!!
Apr 10 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture


I am so sorry your work has suffered too. I am a teacher, so it is not good that this has been affecting me so much. I guess the weight loss isn't such a bad thing, but I feel like I am not healthy, know what I mean? The funny thing about my ex is he is NOT that great looking! And he wasn't a player...he was married to the first person he slept with, then just 3 others after that, including his 2nd wife and me. NOW I guess he wants to be a player. He tells me he rarely has sex, but who knows what the truth really is. But it is so hard that he lives close by. Everywhere I go reminds me of him. I wish he would move back to where he came from. It would be so much easier. The thing with me is that I am not even sure if he is a Narc. Maybe I am just trying to come up with an explanation for his shitty behavior???? I don't know!!!! My big problem is that even though he hung up on me, I STILL want to talk to him! What the hell is wrong with me??? I keep thinking maybe this time he will be nice.....I want the man that I fell in love with back!
Apr 11 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


I am wondering what is causing you to wonder whether or not he's a narc... If you wish to respond, start a new thread in the share your story section since this thread will be deleted at some point soon. Hugs!