Meredith's story....Long and Crazy
Meredith's story....Long and Crazy
I am trying to come to terms with my breakup and my ex-bf's strange behavior during our relationship. The more I read about narcissism, the more everything is beginning to make sense. The more sense it makes, the more upset I am getting, because I feel like my relationship was all one big lie and a huge mistake. I thought X was the love of my life. He was sweet and he was SO GOOD IN BED. Sex with him was magical. We were inseparable.
John and I first met on an online dating site. We went out around 5 times, and things were going well until he informed me that he was also talking to another girl from the dating site on the phone, but they hadn't met yet, since she lived out of state. I begged him not to pursue things with her, but he told me he "had to meet her", and that it was "his mistake to make" if it didn't work out. Well, needless to say, he broke up with me after they met. I was devastated, but I moved on.
During that time, John dated this other woman, had her move from Ohio into his house in Michigan, and subsequently married her. Their marriage lasted only one year, when I suddenly heard from him. He said that he was going through a divorce, and that he needed friends to hang out with. He has no close friends. In fact, he doesn't even speak to most of his family.
Silly me, I went out with him, and heard about all of his problems. When I heard the things that he did to his second wife, I felt sorry for her. He wanted her to participate in swinging and threesomes. He became emotionally involved with one of her friends, who was prettier and thinner than his wife. When she couldn't handle it, he abruptly wanted a divorce. His wife was so devastated, she told him she was going to kill herself. This "HURT" John so much, he said he would "never forgive her" for scaring him like that. He blamed her for being upset!
Are there enough red flags yet??? It gets worse, because I got involved with him, and believed his "woe is me" victim stories. His mother died when he was 7. His ex-wife #1 was a monster. His 2nd wife wasn't attractive and wasn't doing anything with her life. Wah wah wah.
We continued to hang out and then I broke my foot. He would come over every day to visit me. He would take me places. He would keep me company. I let him stay at my house during his divorce. We were helping each other. His divorce was final in October 2009. About 2 months in, he told me he was in love with me, and then the romancing really started. He wooed me with cards and flowers. He was fun. He was open to learning all about what I liked. He seemed to understand me better than anyone. I felt I could open up to him. We cried happy tears together.
In December 2009, X took me to Jamaica. That's when things started getting really weird. John complained that he was having flashbacks to his first marriage. He was very distant. One morning, he took a viagra, without consulting me,right when we were going to go to breakfast. I told him I didn't want to have sex, i wanted to go eat and enjoy the sun. He pouted about it the rest of the day. That afternoon, he had a strong drink, and proceeded to tell me that he could say and do things that would really hurt me. He was cold and unemotional. I got scared. Here I was in Jamaica with this guy who was being a total asshole. Somehow, I managed to snap him out of his foul mood, and we tried to enjoy the rest of the day. That night, he said he wanted to be by my side the rest of the trip. I agreed.
The next day, we went to the pool area. He went to the front desk to check on something, and told me to wait for him. He was gone for 1/2 hour, so I got in the pool. When he got back, he was upset that I got in the pool without him! He said that he told me to wait for him. I said that he didn't tell me not to get in the pool. He proceeded to go pout. Then when I turned around, he wasn't there. He had gone up to the room and started writing me a break-up letter. After crying and begging, he agreed to stay together, and we tried to enjoy the rest of the trip.
When we returned, I told X that what had happened on the trip cannot happen again. He agreed. But over the year and a half that we dated, there was so much more....Oh. My. God.
Here are just some of the highlights:
1. He would tell me I hurt his feelings when I told him he had bugs on his windshield.
2. He got upset when I suggested he get different flavors of yogurt for his sons instead of the flavor he liked.
3. He accused me of criticizing his son while I was having a discussion with his son about global warming. All I did was tell his son to do more research on the subject!
4. I offered to take his sons swimming and asked him for some money. He said that if he wasn't going, why should he pay?
5. He broke up with me after the global warming/pool argument.
6. We went to a couples' counselor after the breakup. He proceeded to tell the counselor all of my faults. The counselor asked me point blank why I am putting up with this abuse? She told John that he was unhealthy for any relationship. Of course, John was very upset about this.
7. We got back together, but he didn't want to call me his "girlfriend", and he didn't want to call it a relationship. He changed his status on facebook.
8. We went up north for my cousin's wedding, and kept making remarks how we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.
9. Finally, he decided he did want me as his girlfriend, and put me back on facebook as his girlfriend.
10. We went to a movie with his boss, and John was complaining about some people in the audience after the show. I told him not to let it ruin his evening. He said, "OK, I will just shut up then", and proceeded to give me the silent treatment in front of his boss
11. We went to see one of John's favorite bands in concert. He wanted to dance all night. My feet started to hurt, so I asked him to come with me to sit down and get a drink. He went with me, and then told me that I ruined the concert, and we might as well leave. He said it was HIS NIGHT and I ruined it.
12. He broke up with me after this.
13. We got back together a week later. We both agreed we should see a different couple's counselor.
14. We started seeing another counselor, where John complained about me and talked about himself the first 2 sessions. The counselor made him promise to not break up with me while we were in therapy. John agreed.
15. When I told John I was upset about things he said, he said I was being bitchy, and he was really hurt.
16. I wanted to take John's sons to the mall. His middle son, aged 13, was sleeping in. I wanted to wake him up to see if he wanted to go. John refused to let me. He said "I know my son, and he doesn't want to be woken up". After some convincing, he gave in, and it turned out that his son did want to go, but then John treated me like shit the rest of the day.
17. When I later told John how bad it made me feel leaving one son home, and taking the other sons, he said that HE was the father and I have NO say. Very cold. Very mean. When I got emotional, he made me leave his apartment. The next day, I apologized to smooth things over.
18. On our 3rd counseling session, I told the therapist about the mall incident, and John got furious. He accused me of "gaslighting". He walked out after the appointment, and proceeded to tell me he needed space. The therapist reminded him that he promised not to break up during therapy. John said that he did not want to continue therapy. That night was the end of our relationship.
Of course, there were many more incidents in between...
Like X mentioning swinging and threesomes...when I didn't want to talk about it, I was accused of "not wanting to know the real him."
X would let things that upset him add up, and then drop bombs on me by breaking up.
X talked down to me in front of his sons and other family members
X always managed to make me feel that I was a bad person or I hurt his feelings!
X would say he wanted to do things I enjoyed, but later make me pay for it with pouting or the silent treatment because he really didn't want to do those things.
X was willing to try to stay friends with me even after this last breakup, but he was still sleeping with me while he was actively trying to date other women.
X told me he slept with someone else, and he was into the D/s lifestyle all of the sudden. I told him I cannot be his friend. We have been NC/LC since 2/14/11. I had a couple of weak moments. The last time I talked to him, he invited me to tell him the things he did to hurt me. I reluctantly told him, and he apologized. Then he proceeded to mention that his therapist used to be a "Dom", and he is talking to a girl he used to sleep with, and that I couldn't handle his new lifestyle. When I got upset, he told me he has heard enough of my bitching, and he HUNG UP.
I pathetically apologized in a text message, and he wrote me back accusing me of "manipulating him" and "taking advantage of his kindness."
So......that's all I have for now....Is he a narcissist, a sociopath, or just plain insane?
And WHY did I put up with all of this????????
It's so hard to forgive myself!!
Thanks for reading this...