Long Distance Relatinships

85 posts / 0 new
Last post
April 7, 2011 - 6:35pm (Reply to #35)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

I apologize if this post offended you that was not the intention.
April 7, 2011 - 4:00pm
TLSM
TLSM's picture

There is truth to Michele115 post

For me at least and I believe for the LDRs who met through match.com...or other dating sites, they are a playground for narcs. Not all men on dating sites are narcs, but there sure seems to be a lot of them there! Its the perfect situation to meet their prey! My ex N responded to my wink on match because he thought I was beautiful, but more importantly, he could tell by my profile pic, by my face, that I was a vulnerable girl, with just the right confusion. Those were his exact words!I thought wow, he KNOWS me! Its fate! LOL!!! Duh! Predator! Isn't that scary-creepy? I live in N cal. My ex N lives in S cal.like I mentioned, we met on match. I winked at him first because guys here were not doing it for me(probably normal nice guys that I blew a chance with cuz I love narcs! BLAH). Anyways, part of me liked that he lived so far away so that I could have my space while fantasizing about him! Hello!!! illusionandidealism dot com!!! And that is exactly what happened. I really have to look at that!!! And as soon as I was with him for more than an hour, my body and my instincts were SCREAMING at me that something was wrong and to run for the hills! But I'd stay involved, because when I was away from him, I created the perfect man in my head. He was awesome, btw!!! So awesome, I stayed with illusion for over 4 years. AND on top of my own created man, narc was fooling me with his pretend perfect self. Yikes. No wonder it lasted as long as it did! We would see eachther once or twice a month. He'd fly up here and he'd fly me down there Great at first, but the more I got involved and time went by, the more desperate I became and had to see him all the time. I became addicted to him-even though I knew something was off with him. The more he would pull away, the more I wanted him and convinced this was the real deal. Red flags waved all over the place starting with the first time we talked and continued for 4 years. We didn't meet until 2 weeks after initial wink. But before we met, he told me he loved me after the third or 4th day of talking!!! And sent me 3 dozen roses within 4 days. Who does all that before meeting? NARCS! Bottom line, I chose to have a LDR and he did too. I couldn't move down there cuz of my daughter and he couldn't cause of his youngest daughter. We would have to wait until my daughter is 18. She is 7 now!!! It was an impossible situation. But he wanted to marry me a month ago and have a long distance marriage... Yeah, I bet he did! So easy for him to fuck around! Most of LDR I have ever heard of did not work out, but some worked out. The reason they worked out is because one of them was able to relocate as soon as they could- didn't wait for yrs to drag on - but some of us, like myself, couldn't. Plus I was dealing with Satan. Oh yes! I read that borderlines and narcs tend to have LDR!!! So I get Micheles post. It rings very true to my situation. And I need to find out why I chose someone far away! Sorry so loooong!
April 7, 2011 - 7:00pm (Reply to #33)
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I Agree!!

Mine situation was similar to TLSMs in several ways. We met online (not Match), I'm in N MI, he was in S MI, I messaged him and we emailed and phoned for a month before we met. Before I met him in person, he told me he loved me. I was sent a huge poinsettia (December). I believe he targeted me. There were the great compliments I was "hungry" for. He would visit me (drove) and stay in my duplex for several weeks (he's retired) and when he went back home, I would rest up. All that talking, chaos, drama was exhausting along with my regular duties. I had a part time job and an elderly mom in a nursing home. He talked about marriage, wanted to get me a large ring (we argued about it because I didn't want one and felt he was trying to show off), but I didn't feel he would follow thru. I told him I thought if it got right down to it, he wouldn't marry. So far, since his divorce, he has broken up with at least 6 women or they broke up with him.
April 7, 2011 - 3:42pm
shortway2
shortway2's picture

Sorry to attach self-esteem

Sorry to attach self-esteem issues,this and that..I am finding we just want to assoicate everything with a NArc..Oh he's 50 minutes away..THAT's it..!!..it's the distance...No..a jerk is a jerk..period..done
April 7, 2011 - 3:40pm
shortway2
shortway2's picture

To me this is the most

To me this is the most far-fetched idea possible.I have had two long distance situations because I work in two countries..I spend time in two countries.I developed the deepest,most sincere,respectful relationship I've ever had with someone long distance.When you want it to work, you will make it work no matter what.. To imply that because someone is distant there must be some sort of fantasy,illusion,magic trick going on .NO.It is called two people meeting and really connecting and being screwed because they happen to live in different places. I've sat next to my ex- N on a sofa and felt more distant then I have ever felt with a long distance situation.If you have never had any,you really don't understand the potential of one..To me it is the opposite.YOu build a strong spiritual connection,NOT always based on the physical because you aren't judged so much for it.When it comes down to it don't you want someone who loves you for your spirit?????..not body and sex...For me I met someone abroad years ago we had the best thing anyone could ever ask for.It is by far the best thing that ever happened in my life..Distance between two people does not have to do with miles,it has to do with the distance between the heart....Haven't you ever watched you've got mail.etc..There isn't a fantasy there is a connection people can make and SHOULD make based on spiritual+their soul..
April 7, 2011 - 4:02pm (Reply to #30)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

In your case you say you WORK in two different countries, so you are back and forth...so you meet you spend time and you carry it on from there. I'm talking about someone who carries on a relationship with little opportunity for one on one quality time... In between the space...what does one have at thier disposal to judge WHOM they're dealing with? LOOK - flip side, I'm going to USE idealK's counter...MY NARC wasn't in my backyard - he was in MY BED EVERYNIGHT!!! for four years...and it turns out I didn't know him... SO coming out of what we've come out of...allegedly being cautious and "learned"...how do we spot those subtle red flags with the DISTANCE factor?
April 7, 2011 - 3:39pm
terri
terri's picture

I think you're spot on!

I've read where your comments here have offended but I think you're absolutely onto something and glad you've posted your thoughts. I guess I should be one of the offended here as I was in a long-distance with my exN for 5 years (YES, that many!) before he lost his job and decided to move here (1/2 mile away from me now - UGGGGGHHH!!). Before I knew anything about narcissism, I got suckered into believing that he had been pining over me for 20+ years until I was finally separated from my then-husband. But I can attest to the many many many weeks, months, years of waiting and wondering if the promises he would constantly make for "a life together" would ever happen. If I only knew then what I know now! When I remember all of the "I can't wait until we're together and spend our weeknights together, whole weekends together, go to bed together at night, etc. etc." - I feel like vomiting. Once he was here, I learned the hard way what true emotional unavailability was!! I think I might have seen more of him when we were long-distancing. And I think I was better off not having him so close. But, since this is a common denominator among many of us, I think it can be safely listed among the common traits of the narcissistic personality disordered male. And, when I began finding evidence of the many other ex-girlfriends and other female "friends" - guess what? YES, they are all in other states!! It used to turn my stomach and make me want to scream - now happily, I can just say it makes me laugh at what a pathetic loser he is. Anyway, great post and I agree with every bit of it!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

April 7, 2011 - 5:26pm (Reply to #28)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

terri

Our situation wsa similar in some ways, except his cheating happened nearer to him. Read my response to michele115. I loved my narc- on the phone- which was 70percent of the time. In person? I didn't like him much at all. Attraction and sex was intense, but that was it.
April 7, 2011 - 4:08pm (Reply to #27)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AND TERRI...

Guess what...you just gave me some insight as now that I think about it...MY narc...hahhahaha..."my narc" what bullshit! anyway I digress... HE was trolling guess where...yup LONG DISTANCE!!! for tushie...while I was resting in my self imposed stupor in the NEXT ROOM!!! How clever of him...um hmmmm Gee, look lightbulbs are still switching on... I think slowly we are getting close to something... LOL
April 7, 2011 - 2:58pm
shortway2
shortway2's picture

Michele I have to admit I am

Michele I have to admit I am literally shocked at what you wrote here and I am highly offended right now.
April 7, 2011 - 2:53pm
jen79
jen79's picture

Michelle

I think it goes hand in hand with being emotional unavailable due to self esteem problems, or because you are afraid of "really" getting hurt, when someone comes too close and then he would "really abandon" you. There is a great book, "he is scared, she is scared", I think thats the title. They dont talk about narcs, but its about the topics with people who "run away", and people who are running behind them. I can tell you, I thought long about it. I didnt met him online first, but I asked myself, why did I think that someone on another continent could be the answer to all my prayers and problems. Its on one side, distraction from daily life and struggle, its also dreams of getting away from this life, far far away to the praised land (california and vancouver), away from europe. It was also, you can put all your love and passion within it, the dream, cause you know there is no danger, danger of what. Thats the question. True intimicy? Someone that gets to know your whole self? You have to look deep deep within you to get the answer, cause if you are the part who is loving, there is nothing more than wanting to be close to that person and love him...thats what you feel and think, but the reason for the intensity comes from, there is no danger. I also realized for me personally, I want to leave europe, and one day I will do this, start a new life somewhere else, I am pretty sure of that. Sometimes all kinds of dreams are connected to it. I cannot explain about the " we first met online, never saw each other" thing. But I do get the long distance itself.
April 7, 2011 - 2:58pm (Reply to #22)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

But that is significant insight there...very significant, I can realte to what you're saying... But is that harmful to the self? Is that an indicator then, that something needs some tweaking... There is a want/desire for connection, a relationship, but at the same time a fear of intimacy...so this kind of set up is attractive...but then at a certain point, one expects more and then ends up disappointed. It would seem then that this becomes a "self fulfilling prophecy" and I'll even take this OUT of the realm of Narcville...in general...
April 7, 2011 - 3:04pm (Reply to #23)
jen79
jen79's picture

michelle

its like this, the same reason why some women are obsessed with certain actors, obsessed with novels and tv shows and movies. They can live pain and drama, intense emotions, within a "safe" realm. Sometimes the only way they allow themselves to cry and to feel really deep. The trap is the same. But the answer to this is, like everything here in this journey, accepting and loving yourself, all parts, the good and the "bad", then true intimicy is nothing to fear anymore. And maybe also finding some standards for relationships, where you can live the intensity, not only dream about it, maybe not through drama, but through real connection, through things you do together. I abandoned that part, and then the result was, I ended up in this.
April 7, 2011 - 3:18pm (Reply to #24)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

I agree, I think alot of how I got caught up had to do with the "dreamy" parts... I can see clearly now how in my head, I created a lot of the illusion and filled in a lot of the blanks.
April 7, 2011 - 2:37pm
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Well that's all good and

Well that's all good and fine! What difference does it make? Every relationship here has a story some narcs are long distance and some work with their Narc's they see them every day! Michele ,if I recall isn't your narc in your city/backyard! A Narc is a Narc as an asshole is an asshole! A smokescreen exists no matter what! Only time and awareness will result in who people really are! Idealk
April 7, 2011 - 3:16pm (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Idealk

it seems you're missing my point.
April 7, 2011 - 3:45pm (Reply to #17)
shortway2
shortway2's picture

I don't think ideal is

I don't think ideal is missing the point at all.She is making a great point and I agree with her point..being I have had BOTH long distance and guy next door... I"m the pro at this topic..and it doesn't sit well with me or make any sense..if you are talking about NEVER seeing a guy or meeting and merely sitting here for 7 years online then maybe..But for people trying ot make it work and see each other .It can't be connected...thats where I find it insulting because I've mad it work with long distacne and it takes patience,time,and work...but it can work..
April 7, 2011 - 3:51pm (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

I posted a response to susan at the bottom of this thread and I asked some questions about distance and whether or not distance make it harder to sniff out a narc. Since you've had both and I am presuming that this one is not the one you are referring to that WORKED...could you maybe share how the other one worked and how given your knowledge of narcs how one that elects to go long distance relationship might be able to sniff out a narc given the handicap of distance as I presume that while obviously no longer in that relationship you view it as sucessful given the circumstances. I am keeping in mind that just because you are no longer in that relationship doesn't mean it wasn't sucessful, sometimes people grow apart...BUT since we are victims and are trying to change patterns, I guess it is inevitable that some will elect to go the long distance route. So would you mind sharing what you think would be helpful to weed out the narcs given the distance? Narcs, vs. Assholes as we had that thread too...I'm talking about avoiding the major mind effs we've suffered at these diabolical creatures that by statistics seem to find the internet their tool of choice for seduction.
April 7, 2011 - 4:41pm (Reply to #19)
shortway2
shortway2's picture

I had a 7 year relationship

I had a 7 year relationship which was successful..long distance..coupled with me living in his area for time periods and him here,etc.never losing each other,when I say losing I mean spiritually and next to the heart.Even with the distance he was the closest thing to me..The one that is happening now,we'll have to see what happens.I might be giving him HEll's fury because I am making him pay for the ex N's sins...and one minor slip up,i am a raging maniac...My mother just said 'he didn't do anything to you so far,give him a break,so what he can't make a transcontinetal move righ this minute".So we'll put that on the shelf for now before I take the N's crap on him. I have dabbled in match.com and have talked to other men..I think it has to do with this and this is a big factor.. I have noticed with some men.long distance or not,match or not..meeting at a bar or not.ThIS is the major red flag..IF THEY PUT OFF MEETING YOU,MEETING,MEETING,...they just want attention.I found on match.com and a friend's friend that some guys clearly just want ATTENTION...and when it comes to let's meet for the first time,or second time..They buckle..They are clearly there for attention and to have you on a shelve..If you meet someone at a bar and they sweet talk you and put off getting together,or match.com or this or that..That to me is the red flag.I've met quite a few that do that.. My old relationship,we never grew apart and never would.He had a child and the mother was a psycho and pretty much would make my life a living hell...I would say the same rules apply that could happen right next door..Is his phone off alot?..etc..To me,spotting a narc,self-absorbed person,make sure you ask to meet pretty soon..or else he is just in it for attention.. I'd like to point out that on match.com there are some narcs I have found,not because it is internet based. But because there are some who maybe are just rebounding,...and that is all they are really looking for.They will hide behind a facade of looking for someone when they aren't..But that is with anyone really,at a bar etc..I think it is just there are soooo many people on match.com we tend to generalize that they are ALL like like..when they aren't..In fact they aren't really distant per say..I would put in a 15mile radius..Are they hiding behind a fake facade that can be easier behind a computer..Maybe..But also men hide behind a drunk facade at a bar.. To me,he can hide behind a computer or walk with you day to day in the physical and can be hiding behind his own narc self.Which will take you just as long to find out.IT"S ABOUT PULLING THE BULLSHIT MASK OFF....here,there,anywhere!
April 7, 2011 - 5:23pm (Reply to #20)
momoya
momoya's picture

Attention

I understand what you mean about guys delaying meeting and that being a red flag. But,all Narcs live for attention. I am going to qoute from Lisa's front page blog post: "Narcissists feed off of attention. Adoration from others is what fuels them. It is like a drug to them and they are addicted to it." The ass exNPD was the epitome of the disorder. He created elaborate methods to seduce me and I went along with it -Long Distance- because he encouraged my imagination to go wild with his convincing words. I think we all get caught up in the dreaming of how things will be etc when we finally are together. There is also a sexual attention method to his seduction as well that was long distance prior to meeting. I felt connected I felt it was real. We all fall easily into this dream that feels quite real from far off but it's not real. he was effin! married.!

momoya

April 7, 2011 - 2:57pm (Reply to #14)
shortway2
shortway2's picture

I agree.. I have to admit I'm

I agree.. I have to admit I'm a little offended by this topic being I just wrote about my situation....the fact that my problem with this current guy doesn't constitute his being a long distacne.i had a wonderful long distacne situation with a guy for 6 years,vacaation ing together,staying for months,it was the best guy I ever met,the most beautiful time of my life..Although things are a little sketchy write now with my situation,the distance has nothing to do with whether someone is an Narc or not
April 7, 2011 - 3:00pm (Reply to #15)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

Don't be offended, as I read other boards as well there are tons of stories out there. One in particular I think it was someone in Europe somewhere and she carried on this long distance affair with someone stateside. She flies all the way over here and turns out he was an addict. He put on a great front and was essentially living in a broken down trailer getting high off of crack on a regular basis and she was terribly terribly duped. In reviewing Jens response, I think for some this might be helpful as I think her insight and explanation is helpful and it brings some insight back to what one of the motivations MIGHT be and perhaps may help someone examine if that might be an issue for them. As always, one can take what applies and leave the rest.
April 7, 2011 - 2:33pm
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I can't imagine who this

I can't imagine who this thread is about. :P I don't know why I got involved with him...the fact that he's long distance, is the least of the factors. :=( He would show the same lack of respect if he were in the same town.
April 7, 2011 - 3:06pm (Reply to #12)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

You are absolutely correct in terms of his being disordered no matter WHERE he was. BUT we speak of "red flags" in "hindsight" and I'm wondering...going forward, we presume that this "lesson" we've learned, we say: "Okay, I will listen to my gut, I will try to be aware of red flags, I will pay more attention to his actions, blah blah, blah..." SO going forward, is that possible with something long distance...yes or no? I think that there is alot of "BLANK SPACE" when there is such a distance...a blank space we can FILL with our fantasies, ideas, etc...this is how we as women tend to operate we are more "emotional" so we have these conversations and such and get caught up on how nice and sweet and charming and go to bed with his last few whispers in our heads, and dream of him and wake up on cloud nine, mind you....we have no idea what the heck he is, who he is, how he lives, what he comes from *family* which should have served as a big clue for me in my case...and YEA like Ideal said, mine was in the back yard...BUT moving forward, I think I'd be over sensitive, but would have a hard time "reading" someone long distance just because of the distance...
April 7, 2011 - 2:35pm
momoya
momoya's picture

LDR

In my case I got involved in a LDR as a safe way to get to know him again after 20 years absence from each others lives. I really did not plan to get heavily involved with him because I believed he was just divorced (lie) and I knew better than to jump into a relationship at that crucial phase/time. I felt we knew each other and had loved each (so I thought)20 years ago. He and I had history. And it created a false sense of trust and security for me to open up. I did not want him to come visit me, he was pushing it along so quickly, all of a sudden he was calling me all the time, emailing me, then a cell phone showed up that he bought. How nice for him to have his supply at his beck and call. I gave him to everything he wanted because he was adamant. But this would of never worked on me with a complete stranger I met on the net. I will not join any online dating sites or find someone on FB even, I just do NOT trust it, esp now. We had a great time on the phone, and we had a great visit in the beginning but there was a point that I had the thought " uh, oh - how did I fall for someone I don't even KNOW?" This was right at the point his behavior changed from sappy sweet to void/vacant/cold. It really hit me after the fact that I allowed him to rush me along into this. It was a sand castle relationship based on nothing real. There was no substance. Truely in relationship replay I see it so much clearly now. I understand why I stayed awake a night replaying convesations in my mind, because I really needed to see it for what it really was.

momoya

April 7, 2011 - 3:14pm (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Momoya...

Yes, and something else came to mind with what you SAID...someone else here mentioned a similar scenario an old flame from many years ago... AND I think again, those "old flames" from many years ago...who they were THEN and who they are now...two different animals. I remember about eight years ago I connected with my "first love" over a "favor" I needed and for a minute I got caught up in "fantasy" the "what if" and he was married at that point... Nothing happened between us and he was faithful to his wife...but I can't say in my LONLINESS back then I might not have entertained a re-run completely selfish and just thinking about ME...which I can say I am glad he was a faithful man. I mean NOTHING Happened....this was all in my head...I had that all mapped out the FANTASY...and that surfaced because of loneliness. Now, the thing is, that let's just say he wasn't married and we hit it off...LIFE happened, he's not who he was and I'm not who I was...we would essentially be strangers...but in the MIND...I really created this scenario almost middle aged but had the mindset of a teenager. THAT was delusional. AND that seems to be a pattern...something that happens...we get nostalgic and such...but I wonder if those memories are triggers of just a happier time, an indication that we need some tweaking in our lives...and that the answer isn't hooking up or looking to another to re-create that for us, but our creating it for ourselves? I remember seeing a few years back, a website that was followed by a trend having to do with hooking up/re-connecting with first loves...I wonder how it panned out for them...I'll have to peek in there one day and come back with a report...LOL
April 7, 2011 - 2:27pm
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Michelle

I agree totally with what you just wrote, as for me, only had one long distance relationship in high school, with a guy who lived in England, went over to see him after 2 years of letter writing and we did not get along, but still enjoyed my stay with his parents, but after that , never again, even in the same state, espically if it is a big one, can be hard, FACE to FACE is the only way to go in my book!!
April 7, 2011 - 2:20pm
Susan32
Susan32's picture

So true!

The ex-Psych professor had a "serious" girlfriend in LA, while I was the one who saw him on a nearly daily basis. It was odd... I felt like I had an LDR with him despite being in the same town. The ex-P of course, mainly communicated with his girlfriend by phone and email... I was the one he saw in the flesh. I don't know if the girlfriend was a normal person who got duped like I did, or if she was as much a Narc as him. I don't know how long he carried on the LDR. I don't know if she knew about me (I didn't know about her), or if she knew what he was doing to me and cheering him on. She moved in with him, she sacrificed her career to be with him, pull up her roots in CA to go to NM, and he got her pregnant around the time I left NM. It does explain the hoovering I got after she moved in. She was no longer the distant Madonna;she was a real-life person with needs LIVING WITH HIM. She went from being in LA to working at a museum down the street from the college (was that to be close, or was that control? I'll never know) The ex-P would say he wanted a companion who'd admire his writing.
April 7, 2011 - 2:24pm (Reply to #2)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I presume they're still together

But your stories of the Ex Psych Professor are enough to leave me in trauma... AND this is what I'm saying... It gets caught up in the fantasy...in the dream...promises are made... ALL this cooing online And then you meet AND maybe he keeps the act up until you give up everthing based on a FANTASY. This happens all the time with mail order brides...then they get their asses beat to a pulp. In their case, they want citizenship and such.... That ain't the case here... SO how does one explain how this is a viable option when there is such a great risk invovled. You are divulging things to a stranger...yea, could be a psychopath a DAHMER on the other side...and you just up and get lost in illusion? That is what I am trying to understand...how is this rationalized? Not criticizing and I've seen dozens of stories, I'm not pointing the finger at anyone in particular...I'm trying to understand this.
April 7, 2011 - 3:30pm (Reply to #3)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Why I presume they're still together...

Is so *I* WON'T entertain any fantasies about getting back together with him! It gives me closure. If I had stuck around, I would've found out if they stayed together or got a divorce (I told my story at another forum, and a woman said that she doubted the two would stay together-since he lied to me about having a girlfriend) A common theme here is "It won't last. He'll discard her just like he discarded you." Who knows? By now, it's not my business. Maybe the ex-P's wife was fine with him toying with me... maybe she's in the dark like the rest of us once were. Ns care about image, but Ps want to come across as NORMAL. It's been a decade since they married. Some women stay married to Ns for decades... Sofia Tolstoy was married to Leo till his death in 1910... Nina Fawcett kept the home fires burning even when her husband disappeared into the Amazon in 1925... she eventually died at the age of 85, poor, demented, in a poorhouse, and one observer said she had sacrificed herself for her husband&his memory. Sometimes the marriages of Ns last. Boris Pasternak stayed with his wife, despite the fact he saw his mistress (the inspiration for Lara in "Doctor Zhivago") in the daytime, and went back home at night. It's easy to have fantasies about LDRs. My Narc boss had a boyfriend who lived about 2 hours away, in another city.. he wasn't all that keen about moving in with the boyfriend. My Narc boss would joke about how he refused to be in the same bedroom or bed as his boyfriend when they vacationed in China. The ex-P held me at a distance, so I fantasized. His girlfriend was in another state, another time zone... she probably fantasized. She wasn't one of his colleagues who'd simply roll their eyes at him (they did, en masse) She didn't meet his exasperated students, let alone those who milked the masturbation jokes at his expense for what they were worth. Unlike me, she gave up her career, whatever she had in LA, to be with him. I was just a student. The fact that she had been in an LDR made me see her more sympathetically. The ex-P expected me to want a cat fight... instead, I felt bad for her.
April 7, 2011 - 3:44pm (Reply to #4)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Susan

The distance was part of the "lure" I presume but you had the tactical advantage of seeing him for who he was...she on the other hand, had the "image" he created for her... Sometimes I guess people get caught up...or they might have an "understanding" I think you mentioned she was about as masculine as he was feminine?...So they might just be okay cause, they serve eachother's "image" purposes..that happens too... But if I'm understanding you correctly, you had an advantage being able to see how others responded to him, viewed him, you had your own observations... All this lady had was a "dream" or "concept" and abeit they are presumably still together but I wonder if she had it to do over, would she make the same choice, would she have left to join him... Would her life be different. Then there is the trauma bond thing...she might still be there cause she's trauma bonded...who knows... But, I do think distance makes it significantly easier to get caught up in the illusion...and we get "emotionally" invested before we can even gage...if we can even stand really being around them...is it true intimacy with such distance. Can intimacy with that kind of distance be established? Would the distance make it HARDER to sniff out a narc NOW that we know what the signs/flags are? Would the distance cause a delay in sensing the flags?
April 7, 2011 - 4:00pm (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's all about the distance

The whole theme of the final D&D was the ex-Psych prof lecturing me on keeping a "respectful","polite", "formal" distance... if I want to get my jollies off propriety, I'll watch Colin Firth lounging in the bathtub in "Pride&Prejudice" thankyouverymuch! He was lecturing me endlessly about emotional distance.... and ironically, that's how the "How to deal with Ns/Ps" give advice. We're told here to go NC, to keep an emotional distance, so we DON'T GET HURT. It gives us the ability to heal. "She was about as masculine as he was feminine"-Interestingly, his idol Arthur Schopenhauer spoke of effeminate men being attracted to masculine women as part of the cosmic Will. If there's a World as Will&Representation dating site, it worked out for them. Everybody assumed the ex-P was gay&that he'd be flaunting a boyfriend... and the girlfriend didn't quash those rumors. It quashed those rumors the same way throwing gasoline on a fire extinguishes it. "You had an advantage to being able to see how others responded to him, viewed him"-Over the course of 4 years, no less. And the more I remember, the gladder I am that I did *NOT* marry him, didn't move in with him, didn't jump into bed with him, and didn't have his kids. Once, I dreamt of marrying him. I'd pray that one day I'd have a nice church wedding him. I used to pray that way. God's answer was "NO!!!!" and it saved me. Better I left NM, than stuck in court fighting for custody. Or going nuts after the latest abandonment. Or being paranoid. Or having an STD. I wasn't in LA, dreaming about him. I saw him. Did the girlfriend know about the final D&D inflicted on me? Was she in the dark, enamored, ignoring red flags? Or was she quite knowing&happy with it? "Distance makes it significantly easier to get caught up in the illusion"-Definitely. One of my friends said I was the so-called "waitress test." I was a neutral party of the opposite sex. Distance keeps us fantasizing. Leo Tolstoy would write incredibly loving letters to Sofia when he was off researching Masonic rituals for "War and Peace", from a distance... he could be tender. But as soon as he was dealing with her emotional pain when a child died, he'd abandon her;if she was unable to breast feed, he'd berate her. I grew up with an LDR with my own father. He goes on business trips A LOT. He still does. My mother says it keeps the romance alive. Unlike the ex-P, he treats her respectfully, listens to her opinions&takes them seriously, they work TOGETHER. He treats her as an equal, not a servant. I think distance makes it harder to sniff out Ns/Ps, and YES, it would cause a delay. Now that I have emotional distance... I'm glad I'm out. I remember how the ex-P treated *ME*, and I'm relieved that I didn't have sex with him, live with him, and be his wife&the mother of his children. I don't think I could've survived that.
April 7, 2011 - 4:00pm (Reply to #5)
jen79
jen79's picture

Michelle

I had a LDR with a normal man also, but we lived one year together before that, and then long distance for a while and then together again. So I can tell you, long distance feels very different with a normal person, not only cause they call and text regularly, meeting each other is planned together, not only one one side term. It feels different cause you trust each other. Spirtual you are connected, if you want it or not, so you feel you can trust, there is not even a question about it. And the same way it goes with narcs. I felt it from the beginning, the witholding of open honest communication sharpened my sixth sense to such a degree, gosh I even have to thank him for that, I had to read his mind, and yes I started to get psychic lool. You still feel it Michelle, that somethings wrong. You just need longer to get rid of the illusion due to the distance, that illusion overwrites your intuition and what else you pick up. So at the end its all about trusting what you feel and what you pick up, all the unspoken stuff, I had visions, dreams, gut feelings, all kinds of other signs, and I didnt listen to it, instead I listened to his words. The distance doesnt exist on a higher level, distance is an illusion. We will have to start to trust our feelings and what else we pick up, that is not spoken.
April 7, 2011 - 5:37pm (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jen

But the living together first then distance is different...you had a foundation then circumstances created the necessity for distance... I'm referring to getting caught up with someone totally new that is long distance. Military wives deal with distance all the time... There are other situations as well...I'm talking about not having a foundation and falling head over heels on..."faith?" I don't know what to call it, I wanna hear what folks have to say about it. I know that the net is plastered with tons of suggestions on how to make it work... and dating sites and all that... BUT the fallout I'm encountering not only here... ALOT of boards..it's a whole OTHER story...so that is what I'm trying to understand better as if we are "healing" i think we need to think about a lot of different things...this discussion for me it wouldn't apply it's not my thing, but we do have a population who is engaged, so I figure, I'll put it out there and see where it leads...unless we think and examine...how do we know....we'll do the same things over until we figure out what our "truths" are or aren't.