I don't know how to stop the madness. Terrified.

I do not know what the drama was all about. With all my heart I swear to you I get it and you are not alone. There are ladies here so beautiful and loving and thet WILL help you. Sh*& happens. Im sorry it happened. Until your legs return jump on my back and i will give you a piggy back until you can walk on your own two. Dont give up. I had to retreat from here for a while to get over the shock but dont stay away too long. This place is the path to love and laughter. You will make it!!! Hugs and big chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to you!! Love and light.

I fear you may be going crazy try and relax

Hi sweet heart.....theres so much to say but I will keep it simple. I was where you were not very long ago. The PTSD really complicates things. It also explains alot of the madness. You have been tramatized. You are fighting for survival. I promise you from one broken heart to another, you will live again. I know it means nothing now as depression and the haunting ghosts will not leave your bed side. I know the agony and the grief. I offer you the gift of hope today though I know you may not be able to feel it, it does exsist. You are more loved than you will ever know and you are fighting for your heart whether you are willing to acknowledge your strength or not. I know the shame and the feelings of being out of control. This is not you. This is the disease that has infested your soul. I am not going to lie to you and tell you this will be easy and fast but I will tell you that I used to worry I would never laugh again. I laugh. This weekend...I laughed so hard with my girlfriend I literally almost peed my pants in a public resturant. I laughed so hard I cried and then I cried because for the first time in 8 months I laughed with my whole heart and soul. There is grace in this world and hope remains. Its coming for you...I promise you. ake a chance on me. The women here are wonderful, they will understand your mess and hold you hand in the darkest hours. I will be thinking of you and praying for your recovery. You are not alone and we all fight this battle along side you. please dont forget that. love and light.

I haven't posted in awhile. I was where you were last summer, at 2.5 years into the relationship. Yes, I should have cut him out of my life last summer (and many times before) but finally, yesterday, I did it. I was not strong enough last summer to go NC and wanted him desperately, so i did what i had to do to get things back on track with him (no matter how humiliating), then I worked on myself. During my 3 weeks in bed (literally no energy for anything), i read everything I could on every related subject, got on anti-depressants, used ambien to sleep and heal my body, tried to keep down good food (I was down 15 lbs). I couldn't heal and deal with losing the relationship so I worked on me first. I was so depressed I thought about suicide. I even thought my daughters didn't need me any more. When I told him this, he responded that my state was really unattractive, no compassion at all even tho i had done nothing wrong. I tell you this because others told me and it was hard to believe - YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS, YOU WILL GET BETTER. Slowly, I got stronger, very slowly. I was better able to deal with his craziness when I focussed on me. He D&D'd me on Christmas morning and i still managed to have a good Xmas with my daughter. We got back together after that as I still felt I wanted him. I still do, I still miss him terribly, but finally yesterday, I wrote a 3 word response to his TM, cut him off FB and blocked him. Do I wish he'd write and beg for me to come back? Yes, but I don't think that will happen and part of me is ready for this space between us. PLEASE, take care of yourself STARTING TODAY. I am PTSD as well, still in therapy and will be for a long time. Take care of you physically first - good food, some meds as needed (you're sick right now, you need the meds don't fight it), stay with the site. Little by little you'll get YOU back. When you're ready, you can cut him out, when you're strong. I am now off all meds and have some balance - this month would be 3 years. What a ride. Many, many hugs, Jaded. I'll be thinking of you...

I soooo wish that I could help you more. All I can tell you is that once you get away from him longer than a couple months everything starts to fall into place. The brainwashing starts to go away. The PTSD actually got worse for me when I was away from him for about a month. I was still thinking about how mean he was and still trying to make sense of it all. I know it hurts so much right now but you have to keep your chin up and keep moving through the pain. You will laugh and be happy again. Stay Strong!!!

This is the only way to break the cycle. He has you brainwashed. The only way to begin to see what is up is to get out!!!! Give yourself some time to clear up. God bless, Goldie

and we are all in various stages of grief....and we all have various ways of talking about it..... Somtimes when we see in others behaviours thar we find frustrating, we probably feel like shaking the person by the shoulder ( or take them for a walk or lunch etccc) but physically that cannot be always possible so our posting here is the only way we can express this I have complex PTSD and a bunch of other issues, some physical and some mental but all due to the narc and my PA husband.... Sometimes I get CD and get things wrong. Sometimes I feel very lonely with it. Sometimes I get some online tough love and take it very personally indeed.... Sometimes I think I have moved on and know better, and the morning after I wake up feeling over anxious and in pain again... I think all of us are like this in some way....I guess we can only try and give each other a bit of the benefit of the doubt, a bit of "I am having a bad day and so is everyone else..." I know today is very very painful for many of us......Let's just try and ride it together hey.....

Who or what is at the root of all of this controversy? It seems that there is constantly some kind of controversial exchange going on here all the time now? Is there a pattern? Is there one person or persons involved everytime? I think this needs to be examined. Its happening way too much on here. This just happened with me not even a week ago. This time I wasnt even part of this? So what gives here? There is some dynamic going on here? Honestly the only reason I am still hanging around is because Lisa asked me to.

If we lived close to each other I would pick you up and take you out for a long walk, a nice lunch, a funny movie and hours of letting you cry and talk and tell your story and get it all out. I am a little over one week out from my break up (the absolute LAST of many) so I know exactly what you are going through. I was on and off with mine for 4 years, 3 of them as friends, the past 9 months as a "couple." I gave him everything, did everything he needed, was there for him when he was low or struggling, paid for a lot of our expenses (even though he made much more than what I did), cooked for him, supported him, defended him (BIG mistake). I did not even know until this past week, when I started telling my "story" for the first time, that he had been verbally and emotionally abusing me. I told friends what I had been through, my doctors, my ex-husband ...and they all told me that I had been abused. I had no idea. I just thought I wasn't good enough for the xN and never would be. I have been a basket case for the last week plus and don't even remember 6 of those days at all. Friends and coworkers (he used to work with us) have been SO supportive but only because I actually told my story this time around. Before, I had been silent. That was a mistake. Now I have an army to protect me. Many of them told me that they knew he was bad for me and they didn't like him but they wanted me to be happy. I will NEVER go back to him again. He is blocked from every area of my life. I have discarded everything that reminds me of him in my apartment. If we are permitted to, I will give you my gmail address so we can chat. The most important thing we must do now is reach out to those who love us and are (or were) our friends, even if it means admitting we had been involved with the wrong person and are now suffering for it. I isolated myself, too, and removed myself from my friends but they have taken me back in and are supporting me. I even isolated my family. I am 50 years old. This is the first relationship I have ever had in which I was abused. We WILL get through this and leave the abuse and narc behind! We can support each other. All of us here on this board. Email me if you want to

With all my heart I have been exactly where you were many times in my life from the abuse I suffered as a child and from subsequent abusive men. There are many days including today that I felt I couldn't get out of bed. I was hospitalized twice for a few days for postpartum depression and I did continue to seek seek seek the right doctors to find the right meds and ultimately I did and I was not depressed or anxious faster than you can possibly imagine. It was a miracle. I got a great new therapist because I had moved with my family and needed someone good and I found her. Trust me...you are going to be okay. Do what you need to do and go over to the ER and just start talking to the doctor on call and the residents. They will take it from there. You need rest, some meds for anxiety and depression, and to be cared for right now. You have been through enough with the PTSD and now it's time to get real help. I am sending so much love and telling you I am living proof that I was not my depression, rather, the depression and anxiety was taking my life away until I said no to it. Just get up and go over there. Nothing has to make sense now...it will soon. But now just get some rest and help. HUGS

I have been exactly where you are also. It's a living hell. They break us completely down and then out of fear, we cling to them. I was to the point where I literally could not get out of bed except to take a 20 minute shower, and I had to work up to and force myself to do that. And then it terrified me because I wondered what would happen to me when I could no longer manage to even do that. I realized I would perhaps lay there in my own filth until I died. I also had NO ONE to turn to other than him-and of course he only made things worse. I suddenly got a $3,000 amazon gift card. I began researching and trying many, many different supplements-spent the entire thing and then some. But the things I stuck with that worked the best for me are very affordable. The thing that within a week enabled me to start forcing myself to begin adding some exercise everyday was a supplement called DHEA (I got the Natural Radiance brand lotion on Amazon for $20). I used 1 pump 3x daily. This also REALLY helps my sleep. The 2nd biggest helper was an amino acid called L-Glutamine which is super inexpensive-like $10. I took 1 1000mg pill 3xday on an empty stomach (protein eaten before or too soon after inhibits absorbtion). This stuff was such a lifesaver! My obsessive thoughts went from being completely out of my control to, though it still took effort and work, usually controllable. I could find an off switch for my brain! Heaven! And the 3rd thing for me was L-tryptophan, another amino acid (again-not with protien). I hadn't had a good nights sleep for years. I take 4 500mg pills before bed and adding this to the mixture enabled me to finally start sleeping 6-8 hours a night. The healing powers of a good nights sleep are immense. I take many more supplements now and I'm exercising nearly everyday, etc. I seem to have one day that includes moments of pure joy (I found God in this healing) and then one day of darkness again. But the days full of despair are much easier to get through when I can tell myself that tomorrow will be better. And the only times I get back to remaining in despair for several days at a time is when I have contact with the N. Anyway, I hope something here can help you or someone else. I've been thinking of writing a more detailed post and sharing my trials and errors, and stuff that didn't work for me but that I learned while researching that many others seemed to swear by. But maybe there is at least a start-something to try? We are all different of course but these are the things that helped me with my adrenal fatigue from the PTSD. And I'm 39 so we're around the same age. I have zero side effects from any of this stuff so far other than peace of mind and I've been using it for about 6 months now. Hugs and best wishes to you P.S. Most of the feeling out of control and craziness that feels like a personal weakness to us is really caused by all of the imbalances the constant stress creates in our bodies. That's why it has gotten so much worse over time-your body was wearing down. You're not weak or crazy-when you correct the physical imbalances in your body, your brain will follow. It's just yet another sympton that stress creates-like a headache. It's REALLY not a you.

You are being way way way too hard on yourself! I've been there and sounded just like you. These ladies on this site picked me up and put me back together. Listen to them and follow what they tell you because everything they say is from experience!! We've all done the things you've done and been where you are. WE GET IT! Your friends and family won't ever get it. Nobody can understand all of this unless they have been directly effected by a Narc. The first thing you need to do is see your Dr ASAP. You need to get some anti-depressants to help you calm down and cope. You can't fix anything in the mess your in right now. The 2nd thing you need to do is find a good therapist. Those 2 things are a MUST. You sound so depressed and you need help! GO GET IT! I agree with Michele, if you feel like you need to go to the ER!!! I had a complete meltdown Tuesday because of my Narc and a very WISE woman told me that this is NOT about him anymore......it's about ME. You've got to wrap your head around that and you've got to do in NOW. That person you described that you "use to be" is still there. I PROMISE YOU! You have to find her and get her back. When you realize that you will start the healing process. This is about YOU now. NOT HIM! I was with my Narc for 3 years and in 3 years we broke up 100 times and I always went back. He mentally and physically abused me and I WENT BACK. It took me a long time to get away from him and it took this site to help me but I finally did it!! There are still run-ins with him but we are not together and won't ever be again I'm happy about that!! I never thought I'd say that. You can do this!!!! We will be here for you day and night. HUGS!!!! Sara

Oh my God. I could have written that post a year ago--six months ago. The only reason I'm not still there is because HE went silent on me three months ago after I found out he had at least five other women the entire time we were planning our marriage and babies and "raising" my daughters and "our" foster child. It's not pretty now, either. I'm pissed as can be, enraged, but his silent treatment has given me the distance at least to look at the whole thing from outside of it. It scares me that I was powerless over the whole thing, as I know you feel you are. I don't know how long it takes. My life is still pretty much ruled by thoughts of him, but I AM getting better, in miniscule amounts every day. You HAVE to go NC and go to therapy. I am making incredible progress setting tiny goals each week with my therapist. You know what? Turns out the focus of everything is YOU, not him, in therapy. And you know what? The focus of what's wrong in your relationship is that you're still there. I knbow it sounds harsh, but I have realized after about nine months of therapy that most of the problems of my life came from my willingness to put up with people that treated me like crap. I know, I know I know that where you are right now is a place of incredible, impotent SUFFEREING. I was there for four years. I know the self-loathing, I'm feeling it still. I know the feeling of knowing how great you are and that you threw it all away on him and are now the crazy woman he said you were all along. But you're not crazy. He is. The bitch is this: it takes time for the real you to triumph--over him, over all those who have watched you be nuts with him, and over you, most of all, who has come to expect not much of yourself. Giving it time is not a pleasant prospect, I know. It's truly like hell, living through the excruciating moments of getting better, when you don't even know if you really are. You have to just make a start. The only way to start is no contact + therapy. And if you are drinking or doing drugs to cope, that's gotta go, too. Also, I totally know what you mean when you say all you want is to be with him, but when you are you hate him. I spent every day begging him to see me and then, as soon as he said he would, I would go into a panic, shaking and sweating and crying and thinking, "Now what? How do I get out of this? I don't want to see him!" When he'd come over all I could think of was getting rid of him before my daughters woke up and saw him because they, too, hated him. I just wanted my little cozy life with my girls but some demon in me kept trying to see him, kept trying to bring him in to make everything dirty and awful. God, I feel so deeply for you. I'm so sorry. Please NC!